Author Topic: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!  (Read 1857 times)

Brenda

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Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« on: December 16, 2015, 04:20:57 AM »
After months and months of worry that I was somehow betraying my wife by accidentally falling in love with another woman only five months after she died, recent events have been surprisingly easy.

First kiss - wow.  No issues whatsoever, and no feeling whatsoever that I had cheated on my wife.

Er, first sex - yeah, wow too.  No issues!  No afterthoughts that I had just done something awful.  I had been ever so worried that it would bring back memories of being with my wife, but nothing of the sort happened.

That said, the new woman is someone I'm truly in love with; she's not a casual relationship.  But I wanted to report back that all my fears about my wife "intruding" into my new relationship were utterly unfounded.  I do not feel guilty.  I do not feel upset.  I do not feel like I'm cheating.  I'm very happy with the new relationship, other than the fact that we live somewhat far apart and that makes things awkward.

So overall, good news.  Really good news.  Life does go on!

Justin

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2015, 10:24:56 AM »
Brenda,

Thank you sharing this with us! I didn't feel any guilt, either, when at four months out I realized I was having feelings for someone. It did take me some time to wrap my head around those feelings, but I never felt any guilt.

I accepted that my wife has died and is no longer here, so in my mind it was impossible to cheat on her. I still love DW and that will never change, but I learned that my heart could grow and I could love another just as much. To me, that was incredibly exciting and empowering - I felt really alive again!

In fact, losing my wife has encouraged me to be bolder in my own living. Knowing that she lost her life so young has made me more determined to fully live mine.

EDITED to add: I know that living far apart can make things hard, but hang in there: you guys will find what works for you. Despite living 1798 miles apart and having to contend with 2-3 hours time difference (depending on DST), Jess and I have been a couple for over a year! It's so hard to be apart, but having an end-game planned and in-sight makes it bearable. Good luck!
« Last Edit: December 16, 2015, 10:28:05 AM by Justin »
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

TooSoon

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2015, 10:43:02 AM »
I also felt no guilt.  I've felt a lot of other things but guilt is not one of them.  Like Justin, I'm also in a long distance relationship and have been for what feels like a long time.  Its not always fun but we've made it work and are working on getting all of the pieces in place so that we can be together.  My husband had a long illness.  He told me repeatedly that he wanted me to meet someone else and make a new life for our daughter and me.  It happened when I most certainly wasn't looking for it and for a long time I sort of pretended like it wasn't happening because I was convinced I wasn't ready and once it did happen, I was still tentative, not wanting to subject a widower who'd already been through it to a second round of grief.  In the end, though, I let him in and can't imagine life without him.  We've had some ups and downs as I've processed my own grief and dealt with coping with the distance and times apart (not very gracefully, I might add) but it just works (and I'm going to see him in six days!!!!!!!!!).  Yes, best of luck to you! 

gracelet

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2015, 11:28:11 AM »
Grinning from ear to ear here for all of us :-)
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com

Mizpah

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2015, 11:50:49 AM »
I also felt no guilt.  I've felt a lot of other things but guilt is not one of them.

Same here.  Widowhood is very complicated in new relationships, I've found, for me.  But guilt has not been an aspect of it - it's funny, because I think that's the big feeling non-widows would expect or maybe even we would. 

I was long-distance in my new relationship, but we moved in together about 2 years ago.  It was a hard, hard transition, but I'm happy to report that hanging in there was the right choice and things are looking up!

Go us! 

Congrats!  Glad you're feeling good and having goodness in your life!!!!
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MrsT85

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2015, 12:42:52 PM »
I also felt no guilt.  I've felt a lot of other things but guilt is not one of them. 

Same.  I've had a lot of conflicted and often negative feelings regarding my new relationship (I met him 3 months after Tim died and we had our first date about a month later) but guilt really hasn't been one of them.  Probably because there is not a single doubt in my mind that if Tim were still around I'd have never looked at another man and if there was anything or anyone I could trade for him I would.  But that's not how time and life works, so I'm doing the best I can with what I have left.

I'm glad things are going well with you and your new lady :)
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Trying

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2015, 08:52:20 PM »
I haven't felt guilt in regards to betraying DH with my new relationship.  I know he would want me to be happy and to keep on living.   My guilt was about upsetting my kids in the beginning but thankfully they are coming around now.
You will forever be my always.

Brenda

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2015, 12:46:44 PM »
So many long distance relationships!  Glad to see that some seem to work out, because my biggest worry now is that the distance will make any chance of success virtually zero.  We're 4,500 miles apart (although once you get beyond driving distance and into flying distance, the mileage really means very little), and it takes me about fourteen hours door to door to get to her.  Six hours time difference too.  I'm UK, she's US.

But fingers crossed.  She's wonderful.  I'm lucky.  Worth taking a chance.









TooSoon

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Re: Feeling surprisingly not guilty!
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2015, 01:08:30 PM »
My sweetheart is in the UK and I'm in the US.  Trade places?  It sounds insane but a weekend across the pond is doable. Its a challenge but it can work.  If you ever need an ear, just pm me.