Author Topic: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?  (Read 8052 times)

anniegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 322
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2015, 12:58:59 PM »
I am glad that you had a great evening and sorry that it left you more confused.

There's no rush. Putting our lives back together seems like it all has to happen at once in the early years and any delay has the feel of a life-sentence to it. Neither of those things are true. It's somewhere in the middle.

Some things need immediate attention and others can take time (probably need time for clarifying and exploration purposes).

You are dating a wonderful man. There are bumps and maybe they can be smoothed out, maybe not and maybe you'll decide not to bother. If there is no reason to decide right now, then don't.

And confusion? Even when you know you are moving in the right direction in a new relationship - there is still confusion sometimes.

This is not the droid you are looking for.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2015, 02:19:06 PM »
I need to stop paying my therapist so much money and just come to all of you! I know that no one can make a decision for me but I appreciate everyone's perspective and the chance to talk things through. My practical nature makes it very difficult for me to follow my heart. I'm always the sensible one who doesn't take risks but life is too damn short (as we all unfortunately know too well) so maybe I need to let my heart lead a little more. 
You will forever be my always.

anniegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 322
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2015, 02:23:50 PM »
All things in moderation, as they say.

I think that when we stay true to who we are and remember that we can't help anyone else in our life if we aren't helping ourselves first, we will be okay.

And you know what, it's okay to give your heart's desires a little bit of leeway. Life is short and it's work. There has to be joy and hope.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

Sugarbell

  • Member
  • Posts: 763
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2015, 04:00:23 PM »
I now live life in mindfulness-in the moment.

Life is too short.

But I am the type that could be in love bad date exclusively for decades in separate houses until my kids are grown. So I am probably not a good one to give advice. I can see the pros and cons you are talking about with your new guy.

Bottom line....what can you live with and what is good for you? Only you can answer ((((Hugs))))
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 607
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2015, 02:22:32 PM »
I hope things become clearer for you MMT. This is tough. I told myself after losing my husband suddenly that in the future I would stop wanting more and be more appreciative of who I have in my life. Why is this so hard to do ? I keep analyzing my post widow relationship too and its driving me crazy - does this mean we are not happy, we expect too much, we want more, we feel unsettled..I just dont know. And how do we decide?

anniegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 322
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #20 on: March 17, 2015, 02:44:24 PM »
Quote
I keep analyzing my post widow relationship too and its driving me crazy - does this mean we are not happy, we expect too much, we want more, we feel unsettled..I just dont know. And how do we decide?

No, I think that's just what we do because we are human.

There is a little bit of social training in there too. Plus, our society has this weird thing with romantic perfection that's (imo) ridiculously unattainable.

Being unsettled is natural when you've lost someone though and it's not something that a new relationship fixes. It bubbles underneath until you feel safe again. And that happens when it happens. Time. And reassuring yourself that things will be alright and that it's okay to open up, be vulnerable and take a chance.

Over-analyzing doesn't generally lead anywhere good. If you made good decisions about people before you were widowed, you haven't lost that skill. You are spooked. Perfectly normal. Trust yourself.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #21 on: March 17, 2015, 05:24:13 PM »
Over analyzing is definitely a problem for me.  I want everything all figured out NOW!  I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that life is different now.  I thought I had my entire life figured out at 22 when DH and I got engaged and it followed pretty much according to my plans until I was 44 and he was diagnosed with cancer.  Not that everything was perfect, not that there wasn't struggles and disappointments along the way, but overall life went as I had planned it.  For the first time in my adult life I don't have a clear plan and it causes panic.  My oldest son is struggling and things are not going according to the plan his father and I had for him.  I never planned on being with anyone but DHf for the rest of my life but now he's gone and I'm in a relationship with no clear trajectory.  I'm questioning my career for the first time since I was 17 and decided I wanted to be a physical therapist.

I need to stop trying to fit my new life into my old plans, and trying to fit New Guy into my old plans.  I need to appreciate what he brings to my life right now which is love, compassion, companionship, passion, laughter.  When I'm with him I feel like he takes the weight off my shoulders and I can put it aside for a few hours. He's not the answer to my problems, I have to be the answer to my problems.  I also can't fix his problems, as much as I wish I could.  So maybe this relationship won't be forever, but for now, I am better off having him in my life than not in my life.  So for now, that is enough and I will do my best to be grateful.
You will forever be my always.

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 607
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #22 on: March 18, 2015, 03:06:50 PM »
Good idea Trying.

I hear you on the over-analyzing. I do that for my professional job as a financial market analyst - I think about everything ALOT when it comes to my work so its so hard to turn that off with my social life. As many on here recommend, I too want to just enjoy my current time with someone. Let me know how you get there ?! : ) Maybe I should just make sure my mind thinks of anything else....

I just wonder if the "uncertainty" of where the relationship is going gets to us, whether its the difference between having a married life vs dating someone or whether we (ummm, me) feels unfulfilled in their relationship for various reasons.   

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #23 on: March 18, 2015, 04:09:01 PM »
CW, if I ever figure it all out, I will gladly share all my knowledge, just don't hold your breath!  Lol.
Today I am happier with him in my life than if he wasn't.  There are too many variables right now to know if that will true long term, so I'm going to focus on today.

Please feel free to remind me that I said this the next time I start obsessing about the future! 
You will forever be my always.

hachi

  • Member
  • Posts: 221
  • Widowed 7-6-2012 YWBB Joined 6-10-2013 Loc:NH
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2015, 11:57:40 AM »
  So maybe this relationship won't be forever, but for now, I am better off having him in my life than not in my life.  So for now, that is enough and I will do my best to be grateful.

This is where I am most days in my relationship. I have been responding to this thread for days now and deleting my responses because I could not find a way to say this.  I am glad this is where you ended up. We may both look back some day and see this differently, but I don't think being grateful in the moment is a bad thing.
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

bartlebee

  • Member
  • Posts: 2
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2015, 12:46:47 PM »
What about bankruptcy to clear off his debts and give him (& you) a fresh start?

Alot of people find themselves in the position of having to file post-divorce. The bankruptcy laws are such that a person doesn't have ot be homeless and rock bottom in order to file. Rather they exist so a person can file (while retaining the equity in their house, their car, their personal items, etc) before they get wiped out, or before the person gets crushed under the debt.

If everything else about the relationship is in the right place except the debt burden then maybe getting rid of that would clear the path for the two of you to move forward.

fairlanegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #26 on: March 19, 2015, 04:15:27 PM »
Quote
My children do come first in many, many instances but never when it puts my relationship with the man I love in jeopardy. I know perfectly well how selfish that sounds. We live in a kid centric society (though perhaps we didn't grow up in it ourselves) and parents are supposed to sacrifice everything - including their own futures - to make certain our kids are happy.

But our kids are grieving. It's a process that takes time, and beyond being understanding, listening and keeping them from self-destructive behavior (which is nearly impossible once they hit a certain age), there isn't that much we can do. They have to weather it and come out on the other side. Just like we do. Giving them the power to decide what we, as the parent, should or shouldn't be doing is not a kindness to them (or to ourselves). We are still the parents. It sucks sometimes. It sucks harder when grieving is involved. But we have to think of the longterm future whereas kids (and they are kids up until the day you know they aren't anymore and that can be a long time) don't think longterm. They think about now and maybe a couple of days from now. They are not worried about us not should they, which is why we have the tricky job of balancing our very real and important needs against their perception that the world has ended when it hasn't.

I know that sometimes love isn't enough no matter how much we want it to be. I am glad that you and your guy are still talking. Still trying to find a way. That way - whatever happens - you can find a measure of comfort in that. You are a good mom. He is a good father. You both deserve your happiness. Together hopefully but individually if not.

Yes. Let's face it, it sounds like your young ones will be unhappy with any relationship you get into. Where does that leave you? You say you love this man and respect him. Those are the main things. I guess I am not very analytical, and have never had any kind of life plan. I have been with someone for three years, whom my children also love (they were 6 and 3 when we got together - easier I know). He would like to marry at some stage but logistically it is tricky right now, and he hasn't pushed it. Anniegirl makes a good point about how we want life sorted, quick, and initially I imagined we'd be moving in somewhere in a couple of years etc. but funnily as time goes on I am quite happy to have a bloke who stays over weekends and one night a week. And not to look for a new house etc. We love each other, and after what we have all been through, that is pretty good, especially looking back on the living hell of the early days.
Trying you sound like you have something good there - none of us can read your mind but please don't throw something good away too easily.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #27 on: March 19, 2015, 05:28:13 PM »
I started another thread in the middle of the night about grief being triggered by bald tires and a mailbox.  New guy had offered to both go get the tires put on and fix the mailbox but it really wasn't about that.  Any how, after everyone was so great in understanding here, I took a chance and told him that I was grieving the loss of DH, our partnership and how he got me these last tires right before he died as his last chance to take care of me.

New guys response was as perfect as I could ever hope for.  He told me that he doesn't want me to hide my grief from him, that he wants to comfort me and listen to my memories.  He told me he could never feel threatened by my love for Tim.  I really need to stop worrying about all of the other stuff and realize I have a wonderful guy.  The future is to be determined but I would crazy to walk away from him right now.
You will forever be my always.

lolamei

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #28 on: March 20, 2015, 12:10:38 PM »
I have no good advice, but just wanted to say DOESN'T DATING SUCK??????  This shit always makes me so resentful that we are in this situation.  I remember being so smug with my husband "Thank GOD we never have to figure this dating shit out again...aren't we lucky to have such a strong marriage"...yes, we were!!! 

It's so hard and so complicated and so painful but being alone forever is such a scary, lonely prospect it seems worth trying...but such a painful process...but also rewarding!

That was completely unhelpful except to say I totally know what you are going though...an empathy post, haha!

look2thesky

  • Guest
Re: Is it time to say goodbye to new guy?
« Reply #29 on: March 20, 2015, 12:13:41 PM »
Yes, dating sucks, omg so true.