Author Topic: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread  (Read 17647 times)

kjs1989

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Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #45 on: February 09, 2016, 03:53:52 PM »
Yep Sugarbell, I agree. I like having a guy to be my companion, be in my court, be my sounding board, have my back, and take my side when need be. I like having someone to cook a good meal for so I don't revert to  standing by the sink eating toast for dinner like I did back in my single 20s. I like having someone to nurture since I am an empty-nester these days. I like having someone to travel with and be a constant on Saturday night.

But, yeah, marriage sounds exhausting and complicated...the blending of families and finances. I think I actually thought about it more shortly after being widowed than I do now. At that time I just could not imagine NOT being married. It was all I knew.  But now, I have kind of found a "normal."  I own my house. I spend my own money how I please. I come and go as I want. I can read in bed at night without someone telling me to turn the light off.

Maybe I will change my mind at some point. I just live my life a day at a time. When I was married I could imagine the future with my husband and how it might play out as the kids got older.  I have no vision of the future now. None. I have kind of accepted it.

Captains wife

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #46 on: February 10, 2016, 08:16:03 AM »
I read a lot of the responses on this thread with interest as its a topic I have thought about a lot. I started dating about 14 months after my husband died and I desperately wanted to re-couple, I felt so lonely. Re-marriage was a real desire for me, and having a male figure in my young son's life. But I have been trying to date for almost 3 years and I've failed miserably at recoupling, even if I have had fun in the process. In a way, I miss being married as I loved the stability of it (especially with my son) but as time goes on, I too am getting more comfortable alone - and just being a family of two.  There was a fair amount of drama in my marriage to my LH and I don't miss that. I am enjoying my new friendships, time with my son and spending quality with me and getting over the loss of my husband/my son's father. I admittedly enjoyed having a boyfriend when I did but the angst that went along with it too didn't help my grief - and it took away from my family and work time.

At one point I thought I saw myself re-married again (and I wanted this for my son) but honestly I am not sure I am cut out for it anymore - and I don't want to bring my son into a situation that doesn't eventually work out. A number of people have said to me - "well, you haven't met the right person"....Maybe that is true but a part of it as well is that I enjoy my space and I enjoy my alone time with my son. (While I love socializing, I too am a bit of a loner).  I am on a dating break for the foreseeable future and while ideally I would like to meet someone down the road - my "ideal" situation is to be in a committed, communicative, supportive relationship where we would spend some quality time together but also quality time apart. My last relationship fell apart, in part, as we didn't have enough quality time together and the lines of communication weren't open enough when we were apart. But I think with the right person my ideal situation could work. I also know that full time co-habitation hasn't worked well for me in the past.  I have even thought about the idea of being re-married but would prefer 2 living spaces so we could each have our own space for part of the week and then we could be together for the other part of the week? Is that crazy?
« Last Edit: February 10, 2016, 08:19:22 AM by Captains wife »

daysofelijah

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #47 on: February 10, 2016, 10:06:43 AM »
I don't think your wish for two living spaces is crazy Captains wife. It doesn't sound all that bad to me. BF and I had a planning conversation about how to combine our families and while I think it will all be worth it in the end, it sounds scary and so much work and unknowns and disruptions for the kids. He really wants me to move with my kids into his house, the house he bought with his x-wife 20 years ago. I told him under no circumstances would I do that. I'm willing to move to his town, but my condition is that we buy a new house. So I left him with that to think about for now.

I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that that. Getting remarried will change all that. It will also be a huge change as far as privacy. Living with his two teenage boys will be a change in how comfortable I am in how I do things (walking to/from the bathroom with just a towel on, taking off the bra at the end of the day, stuff like that, lol).

So will it really be worth it? Worth the change and likely resistance from our kids? Idk, it's a lot to think about. I think the longer I stay single though, the harder it will be, so waiting for me would probably just make things even harder. I can see myself staying single, moving into a small townhouse and traveling places I've always wanted to go once the kids are grown. That doesn't sound all that bad, but it would be lonely.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2016, 10:08:17 AM by daysofelijah »
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

twistedmensa

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #48 on: February 12, 2016, 06:18:57 PM »

I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that.


You took the words right out of my mouth. I recently removed myself from the two dating sites I had signed up for. I may change my mind in the future, but for now, I'm perfectly happy flying solo.

Nuggets

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Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #49 on: February 23, 2016, 10:16:49 AM »
I thought of this thread last week after coming home from my first date in over a year --- I am not on any dating sites or actively pursuing romance, booty or companionship.  This came from an exchange started almost a year ago about living in Costa Rica via PM in a Closed Facebook group -- we have kept in touch sporadically after an initial * click * ..... he is an American from Oregon / PNW, I am a Canadian from north and west.  Typically this environment is Valhalla for older white men -- particularly those with secure income.  The sweet young Nicas/Ticas/Columbianas will find a older white (ie. non-local) guy with money attractive no matter how few hairs, how big the beer gut or how few teeth...  and there is a sad story that usually ends with a Gringo finding themselves paying child support out of their pensions.  It is probably the best time of my life -- because there are NO expectations for an older, chubber Canuck lady.... and I can pretty much do, say, act and wear however/whatever I please - it has been quite liberating.  So, I was quite surprised that he expressed interest in meeting me -- I also suspect he has sampled the local wares, there have been several long lapses in communication ;) but we're all adults.

I briefly thought about dressing up for lunch on the beach -- and then thought:  I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be dressing up for me, so I will wear CLEAN shorts and my nicer flip flops.  (My hunch was correct.)

I was once anxious and nervous about all this, now it's like going to an appointment -- sometimes necessary, not always unpleasant and minutiae for discussion when it's all over.

I am happy with my life, I had magic -- magic is fabulous, it would be nice to have it again.... mediocre just isn't gonna cut it. 
And to be fair:  It's probably me, I've met some nice guys -- like the guy on Wednesday.  I didn't think I would hear from him again -- but was surprised to get an email 3 days later:  '...it was nice to meet me' and to 'stay cool' --- not particularly effusive, but mannerly and polite.

I have a suitcase to pack for El Salvador, a compost pile that should be turned and a garden and greenhouse needing my attention --- I'm too busy for courting and acting cute.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov

hachi

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #50 on: February 24, 2016, 07:56:49 AM »
Nuggets, I still want to be you when I grow up!
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

canadiangirl

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Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #51 on: February 26, 2016, 10:43:19 PM »
I'm too busy for courting and acting cute.

^^  This!   



canadiangirl

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #52 on: February 26, 2016, 10:53:38 PM »
But I also know the story of a man who died at 100, widower since he was 40. Raised his three sons alone at a time when everyone thought this was not possible for a man to do. He made the decision to focus on his sons. He's a friend's grandfather. I never met him but visit him every time I'm at the cemetary. It'll be ok, he silently tells me. And I get great comfort from it.

I love this story, thanks ieh21.

I really appreciate that the mods pinned this post to create a little easy-to-find space on this topic.  Before I forget, I wanted to re-post something that has already been put up elsewhere on this board.  It's the piece from Brain Pickings on How To Be Alone, and parts of it are relevant to some of the discussions taking place here.  Thanks again to all those who have responded to date.  I read every post with interest, and am very grateful for all views.

https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/09/03/how-to-be-alone-school-of-life/





mo12

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #53 on: March 08, 2016, 10:14:50 PM »
Thanks for this thread.  I haven't been on the widda boards for quite awhile but it really is reassurring to know you all are here.   I also met DH in my early 30s so already had experience managing life on my own- owned a house, travelled a lot, great career... once I met him though I couldn't imagine ever being apart, until we were.  I am still trying to figure out who I am now... I don't really want to be the person I was before I met him- I was previously pretty career driven and intense, and that's just not me anymore.  I admit I am lonely, so maybe I won't be on my own forever, but I respect that frame of mind and truly believe a life without a partner can be absolutely as fulfilling as a coupled life. I'm blabbering on but what I mean to say I don't know if I'll ever re-couple.  It's been two years and I've been on a few dates, but more so because i feel like I should not because i have any interest.  My daughter and I together feel like a family.

kjs1989

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*
« Last Edit: March 10, 2016, 07:42:32 PM by kjs1989 »

kjs1989

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Oh, no! , I just realized I posted in the wrong thread. The above post  was supposed to go in On-line Dating Vents! I have no idea how to delete it or move it!  I will keep trying! Sorry!!!

Nuggets

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #56 on: March 16, 2016, 03:04:06 PM »
Nuggets, I still want to be you when I grow up!

Don't grow up!  It's a wicked trap ~~ I tried it once and didn't like it, longest 20 minutes of my life

:P
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov

TalksToAngels

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Shit I blinked and 7 years passed by.

Taurus

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #58 on: May 22, 2016, 04:10:09 PM »
....
Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another?  To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss.

Have just seen this great thread. I'm 14 months since my soulmate departed and I honestly do not see myself recoupling in the foreseeable future. My beloved and I were together for 35 years, married 3 days shy of 30, and there's just no desire nor need for me to even think about a new relationship. I would forever be comparing any female to my beloved: tall, slim, great body, even greater personality, totally loyal to each other...

I'm an only child and before I met my soulmate I was a solo free spirit enjoying life, doing what I wanted when I wanted and with whom I wanted. This probably makes it easier for me to live a life without another woman in it: I already have 2 in my life (26- and 15-year-old daughters) who remind me so much of their mum it helps the emptiness.

I've had to learn new skills, house duties, Mr. Mum tolerance and patience, Dalai Lama wisdom ... really leaves no room for anyone else even if I had the desire. Who knows what the future holds...I know I'm not planning to seek anyone else in the future. My beloved was the best - anyone else has my memories to compete against.

canadiangirl

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #59 on: June 07, 2016, 02:19:49 PM »
Hi Taurus, thanks so much for your thoughtful reflections. Two things especially resonated with me with your post- (1) my DH and I were both free spirits in the manner you described prior to getting together, which may have contributed to my feelings now, and (2) no room for anyone else here either!  Take care, and please share your Dalai Lama wisdom. ;-)