Author Topic: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread  (Read 18009 times)

MissingSquish

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  • widowed 5/20/12
I've tried recoupling twice in 4 years. Both didn't work out. Both men, though nice, were just not husband #2.  I'm finding more comfort and craving being alone than really trying to date.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

SemperFidelis

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #61 on: July 25, 2016, 06:38:45 PM »
I am recoupled now.... But we live apart and will continue to do so for a long time I think. I really like having a relationship, but I LOVE having my space too. I never dated my dead husband, we just went from 0 to 60. This thing where I live apart from the man I am currently seeing is so awesome..... Its the best of both worlds. And that is a view I never thought I would have.

MamaZ

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #62 on: August 14, 2016, 11:20:12 AM »
Wow! There are others! I am not some freak of nature for not wanting to play the dating game? I am ten years out. My kids are now 16 and 19. My closest friend is my mom, four states to the north. I socialize casually, but mostly live my life in solitude. As I view an emptying nest, I do not quake in fear, but fantasize about finally getting my house to stay clean. I do have my missing D moments, and can imagine the pleasure of a cuddle, or even sex, but don't have any face to go with that, and cannot fathom that I ever will.

Do any of you ever consider more socializing (on line or otherwise) with other widows, contentedly not reattached? All of the wids I know IRL are either remarried, or trying to be, which makes me feel like an enigma, even amongst those who stand a better chance of understanding me (than most).

Anyway, a sincere hello and high five to you all, my fellow oddballs.  (;

canadiangirl

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #63 on: August 17, 2016, 01:22:25 AM »
High five back, MamaZ!  I don't think we are freaks of nature, although naturally in the minority I think (us all being "young" widow(er)s, it makes perfect sense that many wish to find or have found another life partner -heck, the not-so-young also understandably seek the same outcome).  I'm glad you found this thread: giving a voice to those seeking a different path is why the mods pinned this post, I think.  It IS a bit isolating. 

Myself, I don't have much time to socialize IRL period as my child is still young, and I only know one other young widow in my city, who will soon begin trying to date if she hasn't already (and she is awesome).  I don't fear the empty nest either and am looking way in the future to my retirement already -big plans!  It helps a lot to be interested and curious in life in general, I think.  Although I miss my DH every day, and I still feel traumatized and exhausted, mostly I feel hamstrung and held back from living my best life by the necessity of having a secure job, not by not having a partner.  If that makes sense. 

soloact

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #64 on: August 31, 2016, 09:28:03 PM »


Anyway, a sincere hello and high five to you all, my fellow oddballs.  (;

MamaZ, hello from a fellow oddball! I wouldn't mind more socializing with other like minded wids. Gets old when wid friends keep talking of  "putting me out there". Not for me.

I do have a young widow of 91 who is my hero. I told her I want to be just like her when I grow up. She always gets a laugh from that. She dresses nicely, keeps hair neatly styled and drives a pretty red car. She misses her husband and makes no apology about that. I like it when I can speak from the heart. I miss my husband too. Always will.

She's good company and I always look forward to our next meeting.

Sugarbell

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #65 on: September 01, 2016, 06:21:19 AM »
It seems like many don't understand not having time for a relationship...Or they say it's an excuse...between work, taking certification texts, being actively involved with my 9 11 and 13 year old, taking care of my house...

There isn't much left for a real relationship. Dates..on occasion...

The only time I craved a relationship throughout the past 9 years..well it's when I have time on my hands...needing something to divert my attention.

So I don't need it...too many tabs are already open...I would have to short change my kids or work or something else.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Nog1

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #66 on: September 03, 2016, 06:31:36 AM »
Yes another one of the exhausted single parents who has not got time for actively seeking another – between looking after my 3 teenagers, running my own business (from home), housework, garden, dogs, gym etc etc. Just felt I had to add my bit here – have loved reading everyones responses.
 
I am now in year 4 since DH died and I spent a lot of year 3 trying to heed well-meaning advice such as “get out there” re socializing in general, not dating. But in truth I found it another thing on my to do list and a bit of a chore (and I know you often reflect back what you give etc). It takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends; I found the superficiality of meeting new people often drained my already limited reserves. And while some of me misses being part of a couple I really do not have the emotionally energy for online dating. So unless Man Perfect marches up to my door and sweeps me off my feet I will likely be on my own for the foreseeable future…… I do like to think that I am open to a new relationship, but I think in reality I’m not. I enjoy my own company and for the most part I am happy alone and do not fear doing things on my own.

I had a bit of an aha moment around the year 3 mark - I was shocked at how I had disengaged emotionally from life in general, although most people looking on would see someone who runs around sorting the kids out, working, organizing holidays, family visits etc. I sat down and really tried to work out what I wanted for me and not for anyone else. And in truth I am often at my happiest pursuing solitary activities, reading, long walks with the dogs, biking etc. So I took the decision to concentrate on and enjoy these activities and not worry about “socializing”. And by doing this I really feel that now I am re-engaging in and appreciating life in a way that suits me personally.

Eimear McBride the Irish writer (who had trained to be an actress), was asked about the death of her 22 year old brother: But why did Donagh’s death turn you away from acting? “I realised that I’m not a communal person. As an actor you need to be able to be around people a lot. And I can’t. I couldn’t because of the grief. And then once I’d learned to live with it either I had been changed into a more solitary person or I realised that was the person I had always been”.

Don’t get me wrong I am not a recluse (yet) I have close friends and family although not locally. But if my circumstances were different I could think of nothing better than a year or so on a remote island somewhere…..  So for now seeking solitude in my limited free time is really much more helpful for me than seeking the company of others.

Maybe I’ve rambled a bit off topic but yes I get it…

Euf

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #67 on: September 10, 2016, 04:05:48 PM »
I’ve been widowed for 10 years and for the past 10 years I’ve heard about chapter 2.  I am probably older than most of the widows here, partly because people of my age are less likely to be hanging out on the internet and partly because even though I am one of those that came from a previous site called YWBB (YOUNG Widow Bulletin Board) I was just trying to pass there. I haven’t been young for a long time.

When I joined YWBB I was just trying to fit somewhere. YWBB defined itself as young although the only thing I felt was widowed. I couldn’t find a site for middle aged or old widows so by default joined the young ones.

It is hard to define young, especially when talking about being widowed. I assume that whoever is left behind feels too young to be widowed.  At least that’s how I felt.

I’ve always been happy for those that found love again and remarried but the phrase “Chapter Two” always rubs me the wrong way when it means remarriage. It so often seems to be some sort of race and the finish line is that whoever remarries first wins. To me, it both trivializes new relationships and also pits us against each other. There is a race to the finish line and those of us who are still single are the losers.
Maybe it is because I am older, but I passed chapter 2 long before my husband died and it didn’t involve remarriage. In fact I passed chapter two before I even met my husband.

I guess that is really where my dislike of the term “chapter two” comes from when it only relates to being married.  As if we are measured only by who we marry, when we marry, how long we are single.  I have no plans to remarry or even fall in love again, but who knows what may happen? I’m not looking for love but if it says hi and shows up on my doorstep, I’ll pay attention.

Either way, I’m not in a contest with anyone. I’m not counting chapters.  I’m just living my life.

canadiangirl

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #68 on: September 14, 2016, 12:50:57 AM »
But in truth I found it another thing on my to do list and a bit of a chore (and I know you often reflect back what you give etc). It takes a lot of time and effort to make new friends; I found the superficiality of meeting new people often drained my already limited reserves. And while some of me misses being part of a couple I really do not have the emotionally energy for online dating...

I had a bit of an aha moment around the year 3 mark - I was shocked at how I had disengaged emotionally from life in general, although most people looking on would see someone who runs around sorting the kids out, working, organizing holidays, family visits etc. I sat down and really tried to work out what I wanted for me and not for anyone else. And in truth I am often at my happiest pursuing solitary activities, reading, long walks with the dogs, biking etc. So I took the decision to concentrate on and enjoy these activities and not worry about “socializing”. And by doing this I really feel that now I am re-engaging in and appreciating life in a way that suits me personally.

Eimear McBride the Irish writer (who had trained to be an actress), was asked about the death of her 22 year old brother: But why did Donagh’s death turn you away from acting? “I realised that I’m not a communal person. As an actor you need to be able to be around people a lot. And I can’t. I couldn’t because of the grief. And then once I’d learned to live with it either I had been changed into a more solitary person or I realised that was the person I had always been”.

Nog1, thanks for posting this, not off-topic at all. What you wrote spoke to me because I have become quite reclusive as well and have been a bit worried about it.  I honestly would prefer to be alone when I don't have child responsibilities, but I have been trying to maintain friendships. This can be difficult because I have no family in town, no real babysitter and not much energy, not to mention emotional energy (I hear you!).  It's petty but I also feel some resentment about how friends just have not been there for the two of us (my child and me), or when DH was dying- that adds to my reclusiveness.  I've been fighting it, and trying to say "YES" when offers for social outings (rarely) come my way, but maybe it's time to reframe things. Embrace the solitude in some ways...although I do still try to be social in part for my child, feel it's necessary.  If I struggle with friendships, I can't imagine dealing with a relationship.  I seriously cannot fathom how people make it work, but applaud them.

I’ve always been happy for those that found love again and remarried but the phrase “Chapter Two” always rubs me the wrong way when it means remarriage.

Either way, I’m not in a contest with anyone. I’m not counting chapters.  I’m just living my life.

Euf, thanks for this post, it also made me think.  The first time I saw the phrase Chapter Two on YWBB (the old board), I was surprised that it referred to re-coupling, because I thought everyone widowed was already in the next chapter. I think you're right, Chapter Two should just refer to the next phase of our life post-loss, not exclusively to being re-coupled.  If it's used at all- I too am far beyond Chapter Two. My story is still being written, and surely it might still be an interesting tale even without the formulaic ending.

Sirin

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Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #69 on: September 16, 2016, 08:11:34 PM »
Thank you for this thread, it's good to feel validated.
I had a couple of very irritating conversations with my mom and my friend, who were both insistent that maybe one day I can find someone else who "makes me happy"/remarry/have children, etc.  After I forcefully explained that I don't ever intend on remarrying again, and I have no desire to look for anyone else, my mom said that of course I would say that, it would be weird if I was saying something otherwise only six weeks after my husband's death. Then why bring it up even?? It is not helpful, and it's making me feel gross.

Bear Shannon

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #70 on: October 08, 2016, 02:13:15 PM »
I cohabited for about six months. It didn't work out. I'm not very good at that domesticated stuff.  8)
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

TofinoMan

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #71 on: October 24, 2016, 07:52:49 PM »
Very simple for me.
My daughter is not going to be subjected to me dating till she is an adult.
When she is 19 or older, and if I meet some truly amazing woman, I'll consider dating her.
Till then no damn way!
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....

Missmybecky

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #72 on: October 27, 2016, 11:16:23 AM »
I check in here on Widda and read pretty often but never have anything to say. I finally got around to reading through this thread and found it to be really helpful. I have been dating off and on but I have not yet had a relationship with anyone that felt great or lasted very long. I feel like I am broken, because I know it is because of me that these relationships end. I am really good at being alone and I have my kids to keep me busy. I keep telling myself that I just haven't met the right person yet and I try really hard to not compare anyone to DW but she set such a high standard. Maybe I am better off alone for a while. I have been widowed for 3.5 years and I can honestly say that I am happy once again. Why make myself miserable by repeating this process of meeting new people and then separating?

Julester3

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Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #73 on: October 28, 2016, 10:21:08 AM »
This resonates for me. The kids asked me about this and I simply said your father broke me. My standards are too high and I can't selfishly expect someone to live to this standard. It's not fair but I can't settle for any less. No man in his right mind would want a women like me who is going to be forever tied to her dead husband. I already bought the plot next to him and bought a double plaque to accommodate us both. My side is blank.

 If fate throws such a man in my way, I'll deal with it then but I am not looking and not actively trying to either. I am content with keeping busy and my hobbies make me happy.

RyanAmysMom

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #74 on: January 01, 2017, 07:25:41 PM »
My sweetheart left 18 months ago - I have two young teens, and I teach 5th grade.  I have vowed that I don't need any man or anyone else's baggage - I don't need to subject my kids to the kind of nonsense that I see single/divorced parents doing to my students.....  I don't need anyone meddling in my parenting, and I don't want to take on the stress of anyone else's kids....
So I'm totally fine alone. And I have been all along.

Until the moments when I'm not. 
Until I've had too much of my kids, too much of my students, too much of my girlfriends' bitching - and I just want to have a man smile at me and remind me that I have a brain that's interesting and alive.  And then I get confused and distracted, and moody....  I really appreciate that some others here have had the same feelings - and I like that some of you have found solutions to those issues.  Thanks for the insight.