Author Topic: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread  (Read 16452 times)

canadiangirl

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I am not sure if "Social Encounters" is the right place for this thread, but I have been reading with empathy the threads on recoupling and the thoughts expressed by those who have found or seek another, who do not feel like life will be complete without a partner.  While I understand and honour these feelings, I don't have these thoughts, and was wondering if there is anyone else on the boards who feels the same way.

Of course things may change, but I am not dating and have no desire to date.  I am two years out.  I am in no shape to recouple but I also have zero interest in doing so, and this may last my entire life.  I am okay with this. 

I met my DH in my mid-30s after a long dating history.  I have always done my own finances, been responsible for running the apartment or house alone, had evenings to myself, pursued a number of interests, etc.  I became used to being alone, doing things alone or with friends (theatre, restaurants, cinema, travel all good).  This is good, because the city I live in has a ratio of 7 to 1 eligible women to men.  I am happy to answer only to my child and myself, and I don't wish to share decision-making about my child with anyone.  My DH was a good man, the real man that I had been seeking, and I felt I won the lottery when I met him.  Statistically I am skeptical it will happen again, especially as I am older now.

Not long ago, I met the mother of my highschool sweetheart in the airport. She was widowed in her 40s, left with 4 children, the youngest of whom later died in a car accident (not my ex BF).  I think of this mom often. When I saw her and introduced her to my child and told her about my widowed status, she said, "I never met anyone else.  But I have been happy."  Happy -that's saying a lot, especially with her double loss.  I felt like I was seeing the future.

Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another?  To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss. 

« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 06:12:19 AM by canadiangirl »

TalksToAngels

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2015, 01:10:20 PM »
Very similar situation. I am a bit further out and have felt the same. I had what I considered a great life, and found it compromised by people expecting me to recoupe, etc. I know pretty much I am self sufficient now. Learned a lot of lessons, and how to take care of myself. Very pertinent topic.

donswife

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2015, 01:11:41 PM »
I am a little over a year from when My don died
for now I cannot picture myself with anyone else
My don would work some overnights so I was used to doing lots of things on my own
and had friends that I would do things with etc
I am prepared to be single and right now have no need to be out looking for someone
a fellow widower noticed I still have my wedding ring on (and dons on my necklace)
so until I feel I am no longer married to him I can't even think of anyone else
like you I feel like I won the lottery when I met don and chances of doing that again are slim
I appreciate you posting this as I am glad to see its OK to not be recoupled or even wanted to be
My everything

Mac

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2015, 08:33:22 PM »
I was married for 27-1/2 years. I have been widowed for 3-1/2 years. At first I was more interested in dating and potentially remarrying.  Things did go well. It has been easy to meet women. People have introduced me to their friends, I?ve met women through social interaction and I have done online dating. Dating is so much easier compared to when I was a young man. I did enjoy the fact that so many women were interested in me. But as this ?journey? has progressed I have adjusted more to my ?new life.?

Early on, a couple of people said to me: ?So many men remarry in the first couple of years, but we don?t see you doing that. You and Cindy were such a great couple but you were both so independent.? There is much truth to that.

I did so much by myself when I was a child and when I was a young man. Exotic adventures done alone by choice. I miss Cindy so much, but with time I have adjusted to my new life. I don?t ever feel lonely or alone anymore. I do enjoy my time spent alone.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman. Sometimes it might be two or more weeks until we see each other. I am open to being in a long-term committed relationship. I am also quite content to be by myself. I?ll see what the future holds. I am optimistic and do trust in it.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 08:39:11 PM by Mac »
Grateful for the past. Embracing the present. Trusting in the future.

soloact

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2015, 08:44:26 PM »

Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another?  To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss.


I feel as you do. No interest at all in a SO. I think it would complicate my life. I miss my husband very much. Nothing more to add.

Sugarbell

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2015, 09:00:28 PM »
Good for you CG!!!😊..

I had always been independent, living on my own..and didn't marry DH till I was 28. And when married was used to us being apart several days a week.

We all have different histories, experiences that shape how we handle different situations.

And I fell into the mistake of desperately needing someone to complete me after his death.(Something that was out of my usual self..but widowhood and pills can do that) ..And spent 4 years in some real messes.

I have said before my 2.5 years of being completely solo...was one of the best decisions I have made to date. I really healed and got to know myself.

Yes..I am now involved in a long term relationship....but honestly...I kinda like it when he leaves Sunday evening after the weekend. I like my space with my kids. And if it ended tomorrow...yes I would be upset...but I would be "Ok". I have learned to be happy alone. 😊

Glad to see this post.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

BrokenHeart2

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2015, 10:46:50 PM »
Great post CG. I too flew solo on and off and then met DH in my early 30's. He did it for me. Head over heals with him. Now I'm not so interested in dating. I'm more interested in finding me as weird as that may sound but that's how I feel.
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

TooSoon

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2015, 10:51:17 PM »
CG, I didn't meet my husband until my thirties.  I'd lived lives before him and he'd lived lives before me. Reconciling and excising the detritus of those past lives was a big part of the bond we shared.  No gospel says you need a new partner now or ever.  It is your life to live as you wish to live it.  I think we're all pretty well schooled in the "you have to make your own happiness" school of thought.  Yet, stay open to whatever life might bring - "recoupling" isn't the only model for fulfillment, not by a long shot.  xo
« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 10:57:09 PM by TooSoon »

widowat33

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2015, 11:37:26 PM »
Yes! Thank you for posting this!
For many of our married years hubby worked away, usually for two weeks at a time. I had to be independent, didn't have a choice. I loved the time we spent together, but was okay with the time apart too. I think that's why coping with the day to day stuff after he died wasn't all that hard, I was used to it. I was always the single one in high school, while all my friends had boyfriends, I just couldn't imagine anything serious when I was younger and of course the drama that came with teenaged relationships. I knew my dh liked me for several years before we got together I just wasn't ready for a relationship. But when the time came that I was ready it was amazing!
I'm not convinced I will ever experience that again..and I'm okay with that. Even though our time together was cut way too short, I'm grateful for him showing me how to love and be loved. Some people never get to experience that.
I am only a year and five months out, still early in some ways, and although sometimes I feel lonely I know I'm not ready for a relationship, and at this point I really can't see it in my future either. I have been doing a lot of self care and learning to be aware of my self identity, the biggest thing I think I've learned is that in order to be happy I don't need a partner, I just need to take care of myself, and do things that I enjoy doing. I see so many miserable married people and I feel sorry for them, and I see them look at me with pity when I'm doing things by myself,lol.
Yep I'm with you on this one and relieved that I'm not the only one!

canadiangirl

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2015, 12:18:22 AM »
Thanks all for the great responses.  The title of the thread was a bit misleading (and possibly offputting, sorry!)- I know very many fellow wids are just fine being alone and are independent, yet still found chapter 2s or seek a life partner.  I didn't mean it in a condescending way, as if to infer that if you are in the latter situation you are somehow not the former. I also validate the pain of those who seek a life partner, because in general I don't believe we are made to be alone. 

But I was and still am wondering if there are others who are doing okay on their own (from the perspective of not being a couple - I am so not okay as a solo parent, but that's a different thread) and not in or seeking a Chapter 2 now and possibly ever, and it seems like these people exist.  I feel less like a sore thumb, thanks for the responses.  I am glad to have a conversation and thread about this, and changed the thread title accordingly. 

Freelancing

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Re: OK being alone - thread for those who haven't/not seeking to recouple(d)
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2015, 12:28:09 AM »
I miss Cindy so much, but with time I have adjusted to my new life. I don?t ever feel lonely or alone anymore. I do enjoy my time spent alone.

Absolutely! I can't imagine it any other way!  ;)
DH was oh, so, special! We married eachother when we were both 30yrs old.
My DH worked out of town 5 days a week. I had the kids, I had to be independent.
I had a feeling something good would come of being on my own. The new me!  ;D

Canadiangirl,

Quote
Of course things may change, but I am not dating and have no desire to date.

That is so refreshing to know I'm not the only one! There has always been little or no support for widows who chose not to date.
I'm almost 9yrs out, still no desire to date. There's so much to do as well as explore.
 I'm doing those things DH and I had planned for our retirement that most people do - downsize. I'm sure we might have vacationed a bit more often. Day to day would have been spent filling up time with personal interests, meals together and maybe a dance class together. Nothing major. One thing I do know for certain we would never have been in any casinos!

Like yourself, I rediscovered power tools. I bought a set of Ryobi power tools. They're nice and light weight ... love them! I couldn't use any of DH's, they were just too heavy. I'm amazed at myself for learning to do so much more than I ever thought possible. Widowhood sucks, but it does get better when you know who you are and learn what you're made of.

Quote
I am happy to answer only to my child and myself, and I don't wish to share decision-making about my child with anyone.
I think you're very leveled headed, I thought and did the exact same thing. From the time I was a child I made a promise to never date or remarry if I became widowed with children till they were grown, Now they're grown and I'm still not interested. I'm single, not alone.
My father died when I was 9 months old, My mother remarried when I was 18 months old. She married a widower with a 16 month old plus 4 other kids. We were a family with 12 kids. He died when my step sister and I were 6 years old. She had gone to live with an aunt and uncle shortly after the marriage. As my siblings and step siblings grew older they began to put the time line together, from there on 2 at a time they became irrevocably resentful and bitter, started running away to different places around the US. Geez, all I remember was monthly going to the juvenile detention center to pick up one of them. One or more of them always seemed to be MIA.
My stepfather's youngest daughter attended his funeral only because her aunt and uncle brought her. His other 4 children did not attend. My siblings demanded I not attend. My mother died 5yrs ago, out of her 7 children, only myself and 2 brothers attended her funeral. One brother always addressed her by her first name and shook hands with her. One sister attended the mass only to chat with our cousins, but refused to walk her casket out to the hearse with me and our brothers. All 4 sisters attended the reception to hear the reading of the will which some how, some way were able to change. Court is finally over. They rarely, if ever, spoke to my mother much less visited. A good part of my life I wished they had never married, and tried to compensate for it. Sadly, my family nor my step siblings ever spent time together as individual families from the time of his death. Regardless of how much I tried to round up my family to be together it never happened. I begged my siblings to forgive her, to no avail. My mother lived miserably with the ramifications of remarrying early out from shortly after their wedding. It was brutal enough for her to become propably one of the most vicious, ruthless abusive mothers that roamed the earth another 45yrs.
My siblings refused to believe our mother ever loved our father. My step siblings refused to believe their father ever loved their mother (unfortunately, the girls don't beieve their father ever loved them and suffer from emotional issues - both brothers died from heroin overdoses). They never asked our mother "why" she remarried early on, in their minds, nothing would ever be a good enough reason. My mother became strong enough to hate her own children including me "Miss Fix It". I loved her, but due to her mental and physical abuse never said so till she was on her dying bed. I haven't seen my siblings since the funeral reception. My understanding is my sisters accidentally spilled their part of her ashes in a restaurant parking lot. I still can't believe instead of buying an urn they used an old candy tin they bought at Goodwill.

That's the reason it became so important to demonstrate to my kids strength, courage, character building to become strong and independent.
They get it ! I have so much pride in them! :)

I've been judged mercilessly for my decisions. Noooo, they don't understand what my life was like as a young child nor as a widow nor do they really care. Its all about thinking the quick fix is dating and remarriage. All I can hope for is if they become widowed they consider their children and not wind up living their life like my mother. I still find alot of sadness for it, and occasionally I weep for my mother. They say there is a reason for everything, my guess is it hhas been to keep me on the straight and narrow to influence my kids the best way possible.

The World Is Your Oyster!
Best wishes!


*Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.*
Albert Schweitzer
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 09:53:24 AM by Freelancing »

canadiangirl

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OK being alone and not recoupled or seeking to recouple
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2015, 12:54:37 AM »
I'm single, not alone.

Thank you for the response, freelancing.  It sounds like you had a rough childhood, I am sorry.  I do think that people can successfully recouple and blend families, and balance the needs of a child/children and a new partner -people do it all the time, including many on these boards.  I think it's amazing and I am truly happy for those widows who find a Chapter 2.  I'm not closed to anything that might happen in my future, just not looking and comfortable with that.  Sounds like you have similar feelings.   

MrsDan

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2015, 10:49:10 AM »
I am dating, so I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I often thought, and still do, that it was very important to have a safe place for people to discuss their desire not to recouple. Because for many, including myself for a very long time, it was a dominant feeling, one that I didn't really have any place to express. It was a feeling I took tremendous comfort in, and I think verbalizing it would have been helpful to me.

Dating is one area in my grief where I never felt any pressure from people in my real life, and I think it has impacted me tremendously in a positive way. Other things I felt like people tried to force on me, like celebrating holidays, for example, and those are areas I still have more trouble dealing with. Unlike a lot of young widows, I never got the, "you're young, you'll find someone else" spiel. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. I did hear it from other widows, not entirely in those words, but in a "never say never" kind of way. I didn't understand that. I thought, if never gives me comfort, why are you trying to take that away from me? Why can't I express this opinion that I feel with such intensity, without feeling like people were trying to invalidate it?

I know it was coming from a good place. That people who experienced happiness with new loves wanted other widows to experience that feeling. And I will say, I'm glad that I've met the guy I'm seeing, and it's working for me right now. But I would still never tell someone, oh, you'll change your mind, I did, or something like that. Maybe people will, and maybe they won't, but it's not my place to comment on whether they will or won't, or whether they should or shouldn't. It's my place, in the context of the widowed community, to provide validation of the feelings widowhood engenders, even those I have not personally experienced. I think we are so mindful of validating those who choose to recouple because we understand that people who choose to do so may feel conflicted, that we (royal we, meaning widowed communities) inadvertently may make those who choose not to feel invalidated.

My sense is that if dating had been pushed on me I would have been even more resistant. It might have become a more conscious choice, rather than what I simply felt. Instead, what ended up happening is that I just changed my mind. It wasn't particularly gradual; I didn't want it all, and then I did. I think if other people had tried to force their ideas in me I would have wrestled with it a lot more. But there were times I felt very alone in my intense desire not to recouple. I didn't want to express it, as much because I didn't want to invalidate those who were dating as because I didn't want to be invalidated myself.

You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

Quixote

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Re: Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2015, 11:44:59 AM »
I guess I'm in a similar, yet different, place.  I hate being single.  My relationship with my late wife was pretty much the center of both of our lives, and I feel completely empty without her.  Oh, I've learned to live and cherish each day as the gift that it is, yatatata, but I don't feel complete without her.  Call it the cliche of being two halves of the same person.

For all the fact that the loneliness is overpowering at times, I can't bring myself to actively seek out another relationship.  At four years out, I'm beginning to think that's the new normal for me.  It's hardly a happy place, but I suppose it's better than a string of dysfunctional dating experiences.  I'm open to the idea of a meeting someone new, I just doubt very much that it will happen.

Freelancing

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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2015, 05:30:17 PM »
Quote
Thank you for the response, freelancing. It sounds like you had a rough childhood, I am sorry. I do think people can successfully recouple and blend families, and balance the needs of a child/children and a new partner -people do it all the time, including on these boards. I think its amazing and I am truly happy for those widows who find their Chapter 2,

Thank for your response and compassion.  ;)
Widowhood is Chapter 2 of my life. I do not think of it as a state of limbo or dismiss it in any way. Who knows I might chose to stay single the rest of my life. That train of thought gives the impression my life is/was worthless after DH's death. I would never be a person if I never recoupled or remarried. I'm here, I'm alive and living a new life I created for myself without regret.

I've never read about a well balanced marriage with blended families these boards or any other, so I can't attest to it. I can only hope there are.

It is terribly unfortunate my mother and step father's marriage early on effected 12 children including myself; its our history and we are an example of what can happen when decisions are made during active grief. It shaped our futures, even though we are very educated, we all starved for love. My 72yr old sister after completing a successful career as a school teacher became homeless by choice after suffering a second trauma, divorce. We all have suffered from PTSD being part of a dysfunctional family. We have all had our PTSD come back worse than ever whenever we experienced a second trauma. For me, it was DH's death. We've all had our battles with hoarding to fill the void stemming from childhood. Whatever fairy tale my mother and step father had in mind it was for themselves only, they tried to whip their children into accepting it -we had absolutely no control over where our lives were beinh taken even though the older siblings tried to prevent the abuse or simply ran away to av?id beatings with a broomstick or extention cord, Can you ever imagine leaving younger siblings behind to save youself as well as the tremendous guilt from it. There wasn't a day that went by when one or more were MIA. I always went with my mother to what was then called the juvenile delinquent center to retrieve one or two of my siblings.It still pains me to think about it, but at least now I can cope with it.

Thanks all for the great responses.  The title of the thread was a bit misleading (and possibly offputting, sorry!)- I know very many fellow wids are just fine being alone and are independent, yet still found chapter 2s or seek a life partner.  I didn't mean it in a condescending way, as if to infer that if you are in the latter situation you are somehow not the former. I also validate the pain of those who seek a life partner

I was overwhelmed with delight to see you post!
As far as I'm concerned there is no need to apologize for your previous title. I dont think or feel like a victim any more, therefore I saw no condescension whatsoever. We are single widows with a different mindset than those who are dating or remarried. Just as widowed parents and widows without children are. Our mindset keeps us in check as we strive for our goals. People who don't get it probably don't realize we have our own set of issues to stay mindful of as well as our own recovery. I always closed a thread that triggered me.

To date, there has never been a category exclusively for single widows. I never once received any support on-line; it was accomplished through PMs, email and phone calls. You bet it infuriated single widows to have to resort to those methods of communication instead of being like everyone else posting freely and openly. We wanted to discuss singlehood without being flamed with name calling such as martyr, holy roller, virtuous virgin, prune p..sy, goody two shoes; these names were often used. It felt like we had to hide. No one cared how we felt, and because of it, sides were drawn. I never once asked to be coddled or flamed anyone because of it. What it did do was force me to take responsibility for my own shit without placing blame on others for how I felt or reacted.

My own mother use to tell me with shifting weird eyes I needed to get married so I would get over it and at least look normal. I never knew normal looked like that! Still creepy! But then again, it was the norm/acceptable back in the 60s to beat ones own kids without repercussion.
What is sad is my mother allowed herself to be triggered/controlled by the words "married too soon". She always complained about being unhappy, but when anyone identified the problem as a catalyst for her to make a truly sincere amends for it as well as forgive herself to move on to build a better life, she just went ballistic. Bless those family members who tried to intervene, they were strong enough not to feel as if they had to walk on eggshells to be honest with her. Mother never seemed to have gotten over it till she was so old she was ready to die. Who knows why my mother harmed herself like that.
I, myself, use to be constantly triggered by the words "dating and remarriage. I felt angry by the constant bombardment of threads pertaining to either or both during a time I felt and thought like a victim. It was no ones fault but my own that I felt like that. After months of that rage, I chose to get over it to prevent skirmishes, being haunted by it and to not become like my mother -rest in peace wild woman.  :'(

I look forward to more topics from you!  ;D
Freelancing ------
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 09:54:52 AM by Freelancing »