This is a great topic. I too feel the same way. I am just over 4 years out. I was with my husband for 18 years. We were business partners, soulmates, parents and friends. In the last few years before he died our relationship wasn't the best. It was strained by parenting a special needs child (autism/ADHD) and a new baby (typically developing). I was overwhelmed by working full time, caring for two small children, and maintaining a household. I felt my husband didn't help as much as he should have. None the less, I truly loved him. He gave me many gifts money can't buy; restored faith, self confidence, business mentorship, a beautiful stepdaughter and two children.
I do not have a desire to date. Sure I think about it. Sometimes even fantasize about it. The reality is my husband is irreplaceable. He was such a big part of every aspect of my life. I had my children late in life. Most men my age have kids in their 20s not under 10 like I do. You are right, I do not wish to share decision making regarding my children with someone else. There is also the autism factor. My son is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. It takes a lot of planning, tons of research to advocate effectively with the school district, managing government programs, teaching him, etc. I have no time to myself and I struggle to balance the attention my son gets with time to give my daughter attention. I simply just don't know where another person would fit in my life. They would have to follow me around as I tend to my responsibilities. I am sure that wouldn't be very rewarding or interested for them.
Some of my friends have asked about me dating again. I try to explain it to them but I don't think they understand it. Maybe because they can't see themselves living alone. I have heard it all; you are too young, you have no time to yourself, a man can help, etc. They don't understand I have no desire. They really don't know how consuming autism can be. I wouldn't change my son for anything. He is a beautiful soul with a kind spirit and amazing gift of creativity. I know he is meant for something great. My problem is not with him. It's with the school and government who are paid to help/take care of his needs and they don't unless I press them. I wish they would just do the jobs they are paid for, make our path easier and provide what my son clearly needs. It affects our family greatly. It takes time away from my kids because I am researching, making tons of calls, writing emails/faxes/letters, etc. Anyways, I kind of got off the topic but I think you can how a man would choose to pass up on a relationship with me. Who knows, maybe when I am older and my kids are grown I might consider a relationship. For now I feel blessed I experienced true love in my life. I am content with where I am. I realize I need time alone to resolve some of my own issues.
I think it's wonderful some of our fellow widows/widowers go onto recouple. I am always happy to see it and share in their joy. I as well as you are on a different path. Alone doesn't mean lonely.
My best to all of you,
Eileen