Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread

[canadiangirl]

I often thought, and still do, that it was very important to have a safe place for people to discuss their desire not to recouple.

It's my place, in the context of the widowed community, to provide validation of the feelings widowhood engenders, even those I have not personally experienced. I think we are so mindful of validating those who choose to recouple because we understand that people who choose to do so may feel conflicted, that we (royal we, meaning widowed communities) inadvertently may make those who choose not to feel invalidated.

But there were times I felt very alone in my intense desire not to recouple. I didn't want to express it, as much because I didn't want to invalidate those who were dating as because I didn't want to be invalidated myself.

Thanks for articulating things so beautifully, MrsDan.  I hesitated to create this thread precisely because I didn't want to seem like I was invalidating the pain and views of those who seek to recouple or who have found someone new.  I don't feel superior or like "I got this", not at all (see solo parent angst).  But I do think a little corner of the board needs to be created as a safe space for those who self-identify along these lines to express that it's okay to actually prefer to be alone going forward, or not to be looking, and acknowledge this without judgement.  You have captured perfectly what I strongly believe the primary purpose of a place like this should be:  a safe place, to vent or articulate thoughts without judgement, and for people to validate and support one another.  Thanks for getting it, and as mentioned I am happy for you and others who are in new relationships.  It inspires me, it is brave in many ways, and it is not for me.   

[Freelancing]

I hesitated to create this thread precisely because I didn't want to seem like I was invalidating the pain and views of those who seek to recouple or who have found someone new.  I don't feel superior or like "I got this", not at all (see solo parent angst).  But I do think a little corner of the board needs to be created as a safe space for those who self-identify along these lines to express that it's okay to actually prefer to be alone going forward, or not to be looking, and acknowledge this without judgement.

There is a safe place for them under Relationships/Remarriage (I never ever open it, that is their domain). We also share Social Encounters and General Discussion with them. Where is our exclusive safe place?
Don't ever hesitate in posting issues/questions regarding singlehood. Everyone has the choice to open or close any thread they find offensive. No matter the circumstances we have the choice to endure &/or take a time out whenever we are overwhelmed. No one is responsible for ones own choices or trigger reaction in such matters. Blatant deliberate provocation or targeting an individual(s) or group of people is just cause for a complaint to the moderators ... not conjecture, which I am not a fan of at all.
Even facts and helpful suggestions more often than not sound like judgements/opinions. I, for one, have made good sound suggestions to decompress grief, provided support and encouragement. Geez, oh peet, suggestions I value, I developed during my own personal experience with grief! They were dismissed in favor of a trigger reaction being more important. What can you do when a person is blinded by grief to see the big picture? *sigh*

Hells bells, I can"t remember if I was going to add anything else because the door bell is ringing. My daughter is stopping by to "borrow" tape and probably raid the pantry. I should've sold them to the gypsies when I was grieving -never a moments peace even though they no longer live with me! 

[Shawn823]

CG, I am in the same place as you. The thought of seeking a new relationship just never crosses my mind--ever. I knew my husband for over 29 years as very close friends and soul mates, but didn't marry him until I was forty. I was very content living solo, but even happier sharing my life and home with him. But now, I am back to solo and it works for me. I am fortunate to have a close network of friends and family, including my 26 yo SD. I am very lonely for DH, the person and our connection, but not for a new relationship. Mrs. Dan's thoughts resonate very much with my own. If something changes, I'm not opposed, but stumbling across a special someone who I could imagine evoking that significant a change in my thinking and feeling seems very unlikely to me, especially since I'm not putting any effort into trying. I do enjoy reading about the wonderful new relationships that other widows have found, but I don't feel envy, just happiness for their new found joy.

[SoVerySad]

I am in a similar position. While I loved being married and miss my husband desperately still, it is him I miss - not just being part of a couple. I've surprised myself with the comfort level I've reached to being by myself. I was completely panicked about it for quite a while as I had started dating my husband at 16 and we never spent more than a few days apart for work meetings in our 27 years of marriage. I am lonely for friends as he was also my best friend, but I've had no desire to date. In honesty, even after 2.5 years I still feel married with the exception of not having my co-parent or helper for all the responsibilities.

[running with scissors]

Will be going on 6 years soon since I lost my husband.  I have no interest in dating.  I miss my husband.  I still cry for our loss, that he and I won't grow old together.  I am ok alone, sad at times, but couldn't see myself with another.

[canadiangirl]

Thanks again for the responses.  I think it must be really hard to have had a significant amount of time with one's spouse (20+ years, some of you said), and then re-establish a new identity after this.  When you've been part of a couple so long, I imagine it changes you in fundamental ways.  I had only 6 years, which may help to explain why I feel in some ways I am just taking up the cape of my former life, interrupted.  When well-meaning people IRL say that they want me to find someone else, not to be alone, to be honest I want to let out an existential yell in their faces (glad to report I just smile though).  Thanks for helping me feel less isolated- why I appreciate these boards. 

I would still love to hear from others who happen upon this thread now or in the future who are in the same position.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey CG, 21 yrs or 6 yrs doesn't matter when they are your one love. I know what you are saying with time together but don't diminish your pain or loss by time together. It is just as profound even though a tad different. You have a lovely soul

[MissinGrizz]

Only you know what's right for you.

[TalksToAngels]

I've thought about this for a while. Truth is I never have found anyone I would like to join forces with again. I had so much in common w my Wife we were inseparable. Even my Mom has said, you won't ever find what you had again. There wasn't a day in our time together of any jealousy, playing games (which I have dated exclusively several times to find out the person wasn't what they portrayed (hard to explain). I'm at a point where I know i won't change. Sure I'd love to date, meet someone nice, but something that rang in my ear, someone told me, who was (is) much wiser than me, he said if you have to "work" at a relationship, or things don't fall into place naturally, it's like fighting a rip tide. And they were so right.

[Catnip]

I keep telling myself I?m ok being alone and not seeking anyone because it?s been 9 years for me. I dated my husband for 4 years and we were married for 26. I married to set up a house and raise a family. I did all that. And, I had him broken in just the way I liked him! I?ve found out that I can do this alone (altho I still hate doing the trash). I have the same house, same job, same kids. I like my own bedroom now and my own closet. I guess I?m used to it by now.

I have a few problems:
I?m Catholic. That means I can?t marry a divorced man (stupid rule).

Men who have never married are men who I would hardly have anything in common with since I have raised a family. Not many unmarried men my age (I?m 60 now).

Widowers my age are not around. I belong to a widows and widowers Meetup Group in my area and men hardly ever attend.

Next time I?m marrying someone younger than me seeing as how it turned out that we were both the same age. Again, how?s that going to happen?

I?m petrified of attempting on-line dating.

I?m now 9 years older, probably look it and definitely feel it.

Where do I go from here? I can make a New Year?s Resolution to date this year, but I don?t know what to look for. Or rather, I?d like to find someone who can cook and who is rich. I guess I?m too picky this time.

So at this moment, I?m ok with being alone. Really I am.  Really.
I?m ok, I?m ok, I?m ok. Really.

PS
I?m still wearing my engagement and wedding rings, on my left hand, right where he put them.

[Jen]

I'm alone. That fact gets drilled into my head every night when I climb into bed and every morning when I open my eyes and pretty much every minute in between. I honestly don't think that will ever change. Am I okay with it? ... good question.

Sometimes I am. I've always been a loner. I'm an introvert, happiest with my own company. I have to confess that there were times when LH was too clingy, wanted too much of my attention. Just before he died, we had a bit of a blow-up because he hadn't wanted to leave the house in a week and I was getting cabin fever-- the next day I drove 5 hours to Dallas by myself, with his blessing. It was his birthday. He died three days later. I will never, ever forgive myself for that.

But the reality is that I do just fine on my own... most of the time. I spend my days off alone, and often I find excuses to leave my family for an hour or two on days when we're all off together. I prefer to be in my room or my car by myself. Throughout my adult life I've been self-sufficient-- I've always been the breadwinner and bill-payer and house manager. I guess that's a good thing... some wids have to learn all that cold. I do fine with the nuts and bolts of singledom, although I hate, hate, HATE being a single parent. I did not sign up for that!

So, as I say... I'm usually okay. Except when I'm not. Except when I wake up in the dark, cold and alone and terrified. Or when my co-workers are laughing about their various spouses' latest hijinks and I have to slip into the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. Or some random moment in the day when all I need is one person with whom I do not share mitochondrial DNA to tell me, "It's okay, I'm here, I love you."

As much as it hurts me to say this, or even to think it, I do not believe there will ever be such a person for me again. Now my herculanean task is to learn to be okay with it. I don't know if I can... but I'm trying.

[Max2507]

I feel like it is very important to be ok alone and focus on yourself. I too married later after being independent. We both had a brief previous marriage. We had dated several others before dating each other. We had something together that neither of us had experienced with anyone else. We just clicked and got each other. I guess I don't think I could get that lucky twice in a lifetime and at this point don't feel like putting any effort into it. I am lonely at times, craving physical attention, and would love to have someone to do activities I want to do that mostly need a partner (camping, backpacking) but just see potentially having a buddy not a relationship.

[SimiRed]

I'm ok being alone too.  I guess after what I've been through, (not my late dh, but the abuser after...) I'm scared to trust anyone.  No way am I trying dating sites since I've heard too many stories of what is out there.  Sure, there has got to be decent people on them, but I guess that I will never find out since I won't create a profile.

Like Max, I am not sure I can get lucky twice in a lifetime.  I am thankful for the years I had with my late DH, and yes, it gets overwhelmingly lonely but it's okay.  Time to take care of me and my son.

[Eddienhp]

This is a great topic. I too feel the same way. I am just over 4 years out. I was with my husband for 18 years. We were business partners, soulmates, parents and friends. In the last few years before he died our relationship wasn't the best. It was strained by parenting a special needs child (autism/ADHD) and a new baby (typically developing). I was overwhelmed by working full time, caring for two small children, and maintaining a household. I felt my husband didn't help as much as he should have. None the less, I truly loved him. He gave me many gifts money can't buy; restored faith, self confidence, business mentorship, a beautiful stepdaughter and two children.

I do not have a desire to date. Sure I think about it. Sometimes even fantasize about it. The reality is my husband is irreplaceable. He was such a big part of every aspect of my life. I had my children late in life. Most men my age have kids in their 20s not under 10 like I do. You are right, I do not wish to share decision making regarding my children with someone else. There is also the autism factor. My son is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. It takes a lot of planning, tons of research to advocate effectively with the school district, managing government programs, teaching him, etc. I have no time to myself and I struggle to balance the attention my son gets with time to give my daughter attention. I simply just don't know where another person would fit in my life. They would have to follow me around as I tend to my responsibilities. I am sure that wouldn't be very rewarding or interested for them.

Some of my friends have asked about me dating again. I try to explain it to them but I don't think they understand it. Maybe because they can't see themselves living alone. I have heard it all; you are too young, you have no time to yourself, a man can help, etc. They don't understand I have no desire. They really don't know how consuming autism can be. I wouldn't change my son for anything. He is a beautiful soul with a kind spirit and amazing gift of creativity. I know he is meant for something great. My problem is not with him. It's with the school and government who are paid to help/take care of his needs and they don't unless I press them. I wish they would just do the jobs they are paid for, make our path easier and provide what my son clearly needs. It affects our family greatly. It takes time away from my kids because I am researching, making tons of calls, writing emails/faxes/letters, etc. Anyways, I kind of got off the topic but I think you can how a man would choose to pass up on a relationship with me. Who knows, maybe when I am older and my kids are grown I might consider a relationship. For now I feel blessed I experienced true love in my life. I am content with where I am. I realize I need time alone to resolve some of my own issues.

I think it's wonderful some of our fellow widows/widowers go onto recouple. I am always happy to see it and share in their joy. I as well as you are on a different path. Alone doesn't mean lonely.

My best to all of you,
Eileen

[Mr C]

Love is a beautiful thing; I enjoy reading about my friends on the forum who find the love they are searching for. However, recoupling is not something I desire for myself.

At 22 months out, I still feel married to my wife. I start every day telling her that I love her and complete every night the same way. I talk to her all the time, write to her and still get her cards for special occasions including this past week for Christmas.

It sucks not having her here with me to enjoy what was supposed to be our time together with the kids starting to leave the house. I do feel very lonely without her. However, the thought of being with anyone else sickens me. I cherish the fact that all of my memories are with her. While thousands of kisses and hand holdings can blur together, I know that those and so many other moments were only shared with her.

At the age of 17, I knew that I wanted to find that ONE special person to build a life and family with. I grew up with my father and it was his second marriage that had an impact on my desires. His second came along after he was successful; and there was something I saw in that relationship that I didn?t like long before it eventually failed. It shaped what I was looking for in a life partner.

When I met my wife, I knew right away that she was the ONE. We talked ever since about the life we wanted to build together, how we wanted to raise our kids and even what life would be like when they grew up and had kids of their own. It saddens me that she won?t be here when that day comes to have grandchildren?she would have been the best grandmother.

Though life hasn?t gone as planned, it doesn?t mean that everything has to change. My heart still says that she was the ONE (and only). The life we created is still in motion. Our plans don?t all go away because she isn?t here. It is important to me to carry out the commitments that I made to her, to me, to us.