Author Topic: "Early" recoupling...  (Read 2875 times)

Wheelerswife

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"Early" recoupling...
« on: December 21, 2015, 09:06:44 AM »
I see that there have been threads recently addressing different aspects of how our cohort has lived after losing a spouse at a young age.  After I lost my first husband, I recoupled very early.  I was 6 months out when I met my widower second husband.  He was only 2 months out when we connected.  We also had a long-distance relationship at first and decided to close that gap as quickly as we could.  We hated being apart.  I moved to be with him 6 months after we met, and we were married at 18 months out and 14 months out.  We had an incredible marriage that sadly only lasted less than 3 years, with less than 4 years together.  He died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago.  My experience of the second loss has definitely taken me more time to process.  I find it intriguing that at this point after my first loss, I was already remarried. 

In the spirit of offering some balance, especially to newer wids, I think it would be good to tell other stories of early recoupling, both successful experiences and not-so-successful.  There is such a variety of people here and I know that others must be asking themselves questions about what they want and how to process the feelings they have, whether it is that they have feelings for someone early out or if they don't want to find another partner...or not yet.

Lets tell some more stories.

Maureen
« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 09:26:51 AM by Wheelerswife »
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

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hachi

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2015, 10:13:55 AM »
I lost my husband in July. At Christmastime, my brother invited an old friend to our family celebration. So basically he showed up at my door. I wasn't looking or ready for a relationship and struggled with it, but I could not see a good reason to send him away.

We were living together by the following summer and the consequences of "just letting things happen" without a clear plan included a few misunderstandings along the way. But time has been a friend to us, and our relationship has gotten better and stronger. I don't feel compelled to marry. I miss my husband every single day. But somehow, I am content in my new life.

Saturday, I was so, so sad. Trying not to let NG see how much I was struggling. He said "why won't you talk to me?" I said that I didn't want him to be upset that I was missing my husband so much. He said "How can I be upset that my girl has the biggest heart in the world?" Will this be forever? I don't really know what forever means anymore. I guess it will, because it is.
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

Trying

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2015, 11:11:22 AM »
I also starting dating someone early out and way before I was really ready. He is someone I went to college with my freshman year only(and had a little "thing" with) and turns out we both moved to the same town in the same state and connected after 25 years of losing touch.   I was not ready and my kids were really not ready. I kept the relationship a secret for about 6 months which I do not reccomend.

He is a great guy and has been so incredibly patient and supportive of my need to integrate him very slowly into my life even though our feelings for each other progressed very quickly. I wish we had reconnected at a different time so things would've been easier but sometimes someone comes into your life at a certain time for a reason.

I have learned to never say never and to avoid judging others for their personal choices. Not everyone wants or needs to be in a relationship and not everyone who wants one is lucky enough to find love a second time. I'm still working on letting go of the guilt that I feel by other people's reactions. I know DH would want me to be happy, he told me so when he was sick . I know that loving another man doesn't erase my love for DH or disrespect the 20 years we were married. But when family or friends have a negative reaction I feel like I am doing something to hurt them.
You will forever be my always.

Portside

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2015, 05:44:40 PM »
My late wife died in late April (of 2007). I began dating in July and started dating one woman exclusively the following January. We married a year and a half later and it has been wonderful. I have never been happier.

Some folks thought it all rather hasty but our take on it was why delay marrying a person who is perfect for you. As it turns out, my R's health is now very poor and a long partnership is uncertain.But, even if she goes tomorrow, it would have been all worth it.

As we all know, life is short and the future unclear. I hope to tell St. Peter that I tried mightily to wring every ounce of happiness from my time on earth.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas, Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Momtojandj

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2015, 07:39:00 PM »
"As we all know, life is short and the future unclear. I hope to tell St. Peter that I tried mightily to wring every ounce of happiness from my time on earth. "


Wow.. Port side .. So true , did make me tear up reading that .
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Justin

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2015, 08:35:51 PM »
Jess and I began our friendship back on YWBB, first via PM's, then our first phone call at less than four months out. From there, our texting escalated very quickly and so did our calls. It was quite evident to both of us very soon that we were attracted to each other.

I had to do a lot of soul-searching to make sure that I wasn't using Jess as a "band-aid" for my own hurt and pain - that was the last thing I wanted to do. I could hardly believe that I had real feelings for someone other than my wife so soon after she died, but I couldn't deny them. I felt absolutely zero guilt, and I think a lot of that can be attributed to the fact that I have tried really hard to do the grief work and face it head-on. I still love my late wife as much as ever, but I think I accepted rather quickly that she was gone and never to return to this life.

Just shy of a month from that first phone call (and a few days shy of the five-month sadiversary), I was on a plane travelling 1,800 miles to a state I had never visited before to find out just how "real" these feelings were. I had not flown for 12 years, and the nearest major airport is a 2.5 hour drive from my house - plus, I had to leave my daughter with my late wife's parents, since DD did not yet have her driver's license. This undertaking was not exactly like taking a drive across town but I had to meet her in person.

We affirmed that our feelings were very real for both of us. I didn't know that I could love so fully again. After that first weekend, we knew we were meant to be together. Fast forward to today, and we are looking forward to getting married next month! It will be a very private ceremony - in fact, the only blood family that knows and will be in attendance is my daughter (who is very supportive!). So any of you who are Facebooks friends of us, keep it under wraps on there :-)  We will have a "real" wedding later family and friends in attendance, probably after we move in May.

 I wasn't looking for love yet, but it smacked me upside the head. And I am so grateful!
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

klim

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2015, 07:06:22 AM »
My husband died in an instant in April2013. We were a very tight family unit. We just did things together.lots of things......but friends,socializing with any one other then with our extended families was nil.And even with family it was the obligatory bithday /christmas type stuff.

So all of a sudden I had noone to do things with. My kids were 15 and 17. Not really in the prime hang out with mom stage.
4 month after dh was gone, my older son moved out to go to university.I went from having 4 people in the house to only 2 of us. I had work but I was used to being active, hiking,biking.camping, looking after people in the house cooking washing clothes...I was bored. So I joined a meetup group at 4 months out.It got me out of the house doing the stuff I liked.It was a hiking and biking group. On Halloween they had a social and I decided to go. That is when I notice I was getting interested in the guys .Went to a couple more of the social events over the next month and was dating by December.( 9 months out)

Over the next year our relationship was on and off mostly to do with his issues around dating, not mine.Because of this rocky start perhaps, "love"has been slow to blossom. I have been very trpidatious about allowing my heart to be fully involved.  A great friendship for sure but what abot love?

Well now having been together steadily for the past year I allowed myself to tell him "I love you",just this past Friday. he responded with "I love you too".He's had such difficulty with this possibilty that he could ever love again( and he's divorced not widowed) that I was a little surprised we made it to this point.,

So I don't know that this counts as early recoupling but this is how my second chapter is playing out.
Now to see what the future brings??????
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 07:10:58 AM by klim »
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Mel4072

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2015, 08:26:42 AM »
My husband passed in March 2013 and by August I was "talking" to somebody online. We met right after Xmas and it just wasn't a good fit. My heart and head weren't aligned. I wanted to be the martyr and my heart wanted to love again. Thankfully, my heart took the lead and sent me on an adventure to find a compatible relationship. Quickly, I began dating somebody else. It was fun, but again, my heart was not in and I ended it after a few months. It just wasn't right for me. I took a six month break from dating. I defined some parameters and rules and expectations for myself before re entering the dating pool.
It broke my heart to break up with those men. I felt awful! There were a couple of others that I went on first dates with but saw no future... I questioned myself and my standards.
January of 2015, I signed up for Match. My head was more clear and I knew what I was looking for and wouldn't settle for less. I found him. 22 months after my husband passed away, we went on a first date. I knew immediately that we could be friends, really good friends. June 30, 2015, he got down on one knee and proposed to me. The ring is gorgeous and this guy is a PERFECT fit for me. I am loving again. I am completely vulnerable with another person again. I am completely safe with another person again. It's funny because after the second date, I was crazy about him and he was crazy about me. We still laugh at how we tried to continue to navigate dating even though we were falling heavily in love with each other.
No one should judge any other person. We are given one life to live; our own. As much as I thought that I wanted to be the widow who never married or dated after his death, I'm grateful that my heart had other plans. I've gained so much through this relationship and I've been able to give a part of me that he needed. Love. Unconditional, supportive, generous, spiritual love.
It's good.

Torn

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2015, 08:57:52 AM »
Mel4072
  Congrates to your heart :) I'm so happy to see others get to love again.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

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Bear Shannon

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2015, 08:58:21 AM »
"Early recoupling" works for few, imho.  ::)
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

Sugarbell

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2015, 11:16:39 AM »
I think it works for some....it totally depends upon ones personality, needs, stage in life circumstances, etc.

Just because we are all widow/era doesn't mean we deal with things the same way. Different people different walks of life.

8 months out I met a widower who was 2 months out. After a month of dating...he was ready for me to move, he wanted to adopt my kids and live happily ever after. I thought I was going to suffocate right there. I bolted. Within a month of me leaving he met another woman...they were married before he hit the one yeAr mark. They are still married and have a 6 year old.

It wasn't so much about me or the person...but more about his needs and Wanting to be married again-and it's worked for him. (Although I have heard his wife is now miserable but whatever)

I honestly think if my kids were grown and gone I would have been much more receptive to falling in love and remarrying early. But my mind and heart have not been there to go after that if that makes sense.

It work for some...it's a disaster for some. Just like everything in life.😳
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Bear Shannon

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2015, 04:43:21 PM »

I honestly think if my kids were grown and gone I would have been much more receptive to falling in love and remarrying early. But my mind and heart have not been there to go after that if that makes sense.



Good point. My youngest was 12 and in the fog of puberty. AND a girl.  :o
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

TalksToAngels

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2015, 07:16:25 PM »
I think it's beautiful when after our loss we can find someone to love again.
There's so much love we have to share, and it's so nice to hear success stories.

lcoxwell

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2016, 02:35:59 AM »
My Kenneth died slowly, bit by bit, for 13 years. We knew he was dying, that he wouldn't have the chance to grow old with me; and he was obsessed with the idea of me finding love again. He could not bear the thought of me spending my life alone, once he was gone. In that last week, he made me promise over and over again that I would try to love again. Strange as it may be, he even described the kind of man he hoped I would find.

New Guy and I actually met for the very first time on the two month anniversary of Kenneth's death. Right away, I found him to be an engaging conversationalist, and I knew I wanted to get to know him better. He must have enjoyed talking to me to, because we spent six hours together that day. We spent the next month talking on the phone, texting, and sending email messages back and forth. Five weeks later, we went on a nine hour date and shared our first kiss.

Our first few dates were spaced several weeks apart. We didn't want to rush into anything, but our attraction to each other was undeniable. Everything about being together was just easy and natural. Right from the start, we had a certain rhythm in how we interacted with one another. Even in the early months, it felt as though we had known each other our whole lives. When we were together, there was a sense of belonging, that neither of us had ever felt with anyone else.

It took us a little while to declare our love for one another. He is not a man to get in a hurry, when it comes to matters of the heart; and I wanted to make sure I was doing the hard work that goes along with grieving (so I could fully commit to our relationship). Fifteen months after Kenneth's death, I moved to be closer to New Guy. Before that, we lived a little over two hours apart. We have now been together for a little over a year and a half, and we cannot get enough of each other. Everywhere we go, we have to be holding hands, or kissing, or touching in some way. We are so in sync with one another, that people who see us together automatically assume we are married.

As much as I loved him, life with Kenneth was full of chaos and uncertainty. Life with New Guy is the exact opposite. He has a certain calmness and peacefulness about him, which is exactly what I needed, after all those years of turmoil. He is a steady rock, and I love that about him.

Actually, I love everything about him (except for his severe allergy to dogs, but everyone has his/her faults). Just the very thought of him makes my heart flutter. His touch makes me weak in the knees. When I see him across the room, I cannot help but smile. Each and every day, I am thankful that he is in my life and that he loves me just as much as I love him. He is my everything, and I am so very fortunate that he is mine. Kenneth would be so happy for me, because New Guy is everything Kenneth wanted me to find in a new love.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

anniegirl

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Re: "Early" recoupling...
« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2016, 12:41:27 PM »
LH died in Jan of 2006. Started casting about in the dating waters in July of that same year with not much success at all.

My husband's wife died in August of 2006.

He found the YWBB shortly after and I stopped lurking and joined that fall.

At some point our posts crossed and he contacted me via PM in early December. By New Year's we were pen pals and IM buddies and on Jan. 24 he sent me the email outlining his feelings, hoping I felt the same and asking if I'd like to explore the possibility of a relationship. He's earth and an engineer. It's their version of romantic.

We met exactly a month later in Idaho (more romantic a place than you'd think). I flew there from Midwest. He drove down from Canada.

We started planning to be together and talking marriage after that.

Got engaged on St. Patrick's Day while on a Spring Break trip.

I resigned from my job. Sold my house. Moved daughter and I to Canada in June and we were married that same month.

That was 2007.

We are still in Canada. Daughter and I are citizens now. Can't imagine being anywhere else because I've never been as happy, settled and content in my life.

I noticed a post in the BAG today that was talking about it having been nine years for this poster and it struck me that it's just shy of ten years for me.

Ten years and I will be married again nine years in June.

I know some widowed who married/coupled quickly - within a year. Others who took a year or two. Some longer than that. Some who dated but decided to remain single. A few who coupled and broke up. And there are folks who just didn't want to bother for a variety of reasons.

There's no one way to go on with life.

It's heartening to me that there is much less judgement about this than there was back in my YWBB days when everyone had an opinion and most of them were negative at best and scathing at worst (good lord the flaming threads!). It's better now and much more supportive which, imo, is far more helpful.

While other people's experiences and insights might help you put things in perspective and help you feel less like you're treading ground no one's traveled before, no one understands you and your situation better than you do.

Take what resonates, ignore the rest and do what works for you.
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