Author Topic: My 21 yo DD feels guilty  (Read 1735 times)

Chopperette

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My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« on: March 13, 2015, 06:40:13 PM »
Today my DD was telling me that while we were on a trip in Dec 2012, she sensed her dad was going to die.  She told me that during the trip I mentioned that we should go visit my grandma when got back since we didn't know how much time she had left. (She was 96) My daughter said she didn't want to because she didn't even know who she was anyway. My LH said we should and that he wanted to go visit her too. Well apparently at that moment a thought just popped into her head. She thought why is he saying that if he is not going to see her, since he is going to die before her.  She said she felt so guilty for the thought, and also she feels responsible for not saying anything.  If she had said something maybe he would have gone to the doctor and discover the aneurysm.  I told her that she didn't have to feel guilty because she wasn't responsible and she couldn't have prevented it either.    She said she never said anything before because she thought it was idiotic to think. Her father was going to die before her 96 yo great grandmother. I told her that was exactly what we would have thought, that it was like a nightmare or something and not a premonition, since she wasn't a psychic. (Indeed he died March 21/2013he didn't make it to his 53rd birthday.  My grandma died May 19/2013 and she. Made it to 97)  I'm sad that she has been feeling so guilty for almost two years! But I hope letting it out her chest helped her.  :'(

Virgo

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Re: My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2015, 09:23:25 PM »
There is always guilt that goes along with the death of a loved one. I honestly can't think of anyone close to me that I've lost that I haven't asked myself "what if?" We always wonder if we would have done something differently if it would have changed the outcome. I'm glad she shared with you. Hopefully it helps take that load off her shoulders.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

widowat33

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Re: My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 01:32:39 AM »
That's a heavy thing for her to carry, I'm glad she was able to tell you.
The night my husband died, I was worried that he hadn't came home and my youngest sensing my worry said maybe he was in an accident. He felt so bad afterwards because that's how my dh died, I had to reassure him that it was ok, and that it didn't happen because he said it.
I think you handled it wonderfully.

chasingsunshine

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Re: My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2015, 09:39:15 PM »
We've dealt with feelings of guilt too. My (then) 5 year old spent the night away from home the day before his dad died and felt bad for a long time. I have my own "what if" feelings to deal with too. One of the things I read that has helped us the most was this...


Quote
Like Karyn, perhaps you feel a measure of guilt for things you neglected to do. You might even torture yourself with ?if onlys.? ?If only I had urged Dad to see a doctor.? ?If only I had checked on Mom earlier.? If such thoughts plague you, remember this: It?s normal to feel regret over things you wish you had done differently. The fact is, you would have done things differently had you known what would happen. But you did not know. Therefore, guilt is inappropriate. You are not responsible for your parent?s death!


Regret is normal, guilt unnecessary and unhelpful. If you tell yourself, or her, this enough it does help. Eventually.


If you'd like to read the entire article the quote was taken from you can find it at http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1102011138. It's from a book written for teenagers and young adults and the article is "Is it normal to grieve the way I do?"

Chopperette

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Re: My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2015, 11:40:30 PM »
Thank you for all your responses.

Chasingsunshine, I will check it out and give it to her. Thanks!

Chopperette

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Re: My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2015, 10:11:47 AM »
Last night she told me she felt so much better after getting that out of her chest!    :D

ThalginsLuv

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Re: My 21 yo DD feels guilty
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2015, 10:25:38 AM »
I can totally relate to your daughter. Just before my 16th birthday I had a sense that my stepfather was going to die. It was a whole ugly affair and I was living with some family friends. My stepfather came over for a visit to the family friends not to visit me and I just knew. When he left I told John that I thought he was going to die this week. John tried to consul me and say that my stepfather was just going through a bad spell. 6 days later we found my stepfathers body at my home. At the time he and my mom were separated so I thank God she was living out of town at her brothers and didn't see him.

This isn't the only time I have had these feelings about death. Now I don't believe I am psychic or anything like that (I am not sure I believe in psychics) but I do think some of us are sensitive to it. I knew the night my grandfather died when I was a child and we lived 2 hours away. I was in my early 20's and the phone rang around 11 pm (which was all that unusual) and it was my aunt calling to say my uncle died and I knew before the phone was picked up. They lived an hour away from us. 

One of my dear friends had a son in his 20's who was dealing with alcoholism. The month before he died I talked to my friend about being prepared and to trust her faith and realize this was her son's choosing and he may die because of it. He wasn't quite that bad yet but I could tell he was heading that way. He died 3 weeks later.

2 months after that I kept having weird feelings. I tried to just dismiss the whole idea and the feeling of extreme loneliness I was having even though I was VERY HAPPILY married. Then one morning when my husband left for work I just had that sinking feeling that was the last time I was going to see him and it was. The crazy feeling I had been having were about his death but didn't realize it until that day.

I have had a few other times where I knew or had that feeling. The one thing I have learned is that I know is I can't do ANYTHING about it. I used to feel guilty at first or go through the would-a/ should-a scenarios but the reality is death is its own master. Trust me if I could have done something to prevent my husbands death I would have, or even my uncle's or grandfather's or my friend's son.

I understand your daughter's guilt. It sucks and if she were here with me I would give her a big hug! Just let her know she isn't alone.