Author Topic: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?  (Read 2358 times)

paulhaltom

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So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« on: December 23, 2015, 07:12:44 AM »
So its been 7 months since my beloved Hugh left me alone - and yes I fell off the wagon, hard, I know that using isn't going to solve anything, but I was sooooo tired of crying all day that I caved and I started using drugs - a lot of them. I guess what I find ironic is all the people that promised they would be there, aren't. I did what I thought I was supposed to do,and that was be honest and let people know, if your in this situation, DON'T tell anyone, and seek the type of help that you need. I lost my job, my step kids won't talk to me, most of his family stopped talking to me. My three closest friends all said the same thing to me "Paul, we know your going through a hard time, but this is unacceptable" - no whats unacceptable is that all of you that are trying to lecture me right now NONE OF YOU have been through this, NONE OF YOU have had to bury your spouse, watch them die - hold them as they gasp for their last breath - it breaks you - into a million little pieces - so would all of you stop giving me lectures on drug use, and help me put myself back together , i know its wrong, but I also know that life isnt supposed to hurt this bad

Jen

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2015, 08:54:35 AM »
(((Hugs))))

I wish I had something better. People mean well, but unless they have travelled this particular road through hell, they have no way of knowing how terrible it truly is. In the last 20+ months I've seriously considered taking up heavy drinking, smoking, and drugging-- the main thing that has stopped me isn't any moral objection, but practical considerations: I can't afford it, and I wouldn't know where to get anything anyway. :-\

No, life is not supposed to hurt this bad. I desperately wish I could say it will be good again-- or even that it will get better. Wids who are significantly further out have told me it does, but so far, every time I think I've seen a light at the end of the tunnel, it has turned out to be another freight train barrelling down on me. :(

I'm so sorry. I don't have it in me right now to be positive and upbeat. I'm still holding on as best I can, and it's frankly not that well. But I'm here, and I'm listening, and I can tell you you're not alone in this awful, awful place.

Hugs and peace to you,

Jen
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Justin

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2015, 10:26:46 AM »
Paul,

I am sorry for your loss, and thank you for being so open and trusting us.

I lost my wife almost 18 months ago. I drank more than I should before she died, but afterward I became a real problem drinker. After a period of that, I did better but it was a slippery slope for me back to drinking way too much when I went through a down period. I finally reached a point where I had to do better for me - not because anyone else wanted me to. I decided to do 60 days without drinking, and am almost there. In the beginning, it scared the shit out of me to be without my crutch and I found out that I had not been coping as well with my wife's death as I initially thought; but I pretty quickly found healthier ways to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. I resented my decision for a couple of weeks, but came to a clarity that had been missing from my life for quite some time. I will almost certainly return to drinking (mainly socially - and the plan is to manage "normal" consumption), but I now feel better equipped to handle life's stresses without reaching for a bourbon or beer every time. I'm not preaching or anything, just sharing my journey.

I realize that our experiences are apples and oranges, but just wanted to let you know that there are others of us who have had issues with substance abuse and I hope they will post, too. For what it's worth, many of us wids have seen family and friends quickly disappear for a multitude of reasons. They may or may not just be using your drug use as an "excuse" to not be there for you, and only they will know for sure. Just know that you are among friends here, and don't be afraid to reach out anytime.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2015, 10:56:11 PM by Justin »
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Trying

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2015, 10:56:58 AM »
Paul, I think it's a big step that you are being so honest here about your drug abuse.  It's a very hurtful reality for many of us widow/ers that people disappear when we need them the most and I'm very sorry that this happened to you.  Addiction also drives people away so you've got the double wammy of isolation.  It sounds like it's time for you to get some help on a professional level and put in the hard work of getting clean, only then can you get to the hard work of grief and sorting out who is left in your life to support you. 

My best friend was widowed 8 years before me and it was several years before addiction became apparent with her.  She lost her job and her kids for over a year and burned many bridges in the process.  She put off admitting her problem and accepting help for too long and she is now slowly working on rebuilding her life and her relationships.  Don't wait 8 years, make yourself a priority now. You have found a supportive community here who understands the pain of your loss.

Wishing you strength, peace and a healthy new year.
You will forever be my always.

Amor

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2015, 08:26:32 PM »
One person quoted this which helped me a lot.
"When you find yourself in hell keep going."
 

canadiangirl

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2015, 09:17:50 PM »
For what it's worth, many of us wids have seen family and friends quickly disappear for a multitude of reasons. They may or may not just be using you drug use as an "excuse" to not be there for you, and only they will know for sure. Just know that you are among friends here, and don't be afraid to reach out anytime.

Echoing this.  It does break you into a million little pieces.  I can see why taking up drugs or alcohol might seem to be the temporary glue to hold things together and get some relief from the seemingly endless pain.  I am sorry for all the additional pain you are going through, and I hope you find the help you need.  Sounds like you are taking the first steps towards returning to health- sorry it will be something of a lonely road.  Many have expressed here how being widowed has changed his/her address book.  This is the right place to express your feelings of pain, grief and trauma. That we can all get.

Sugarbell

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2015, 05:28:34 AM »
Hi Paul,

Addiction is isolating (whether family/friends know or not)... widdahood is isolating. The convo if the 2 are just over the too painful. People use drugs to cover up emotional pain. I am a prescription drug addict in long term recovery. I was a recreational pill head for years...then DH died and within months became a full fledge addict. The fact that you are speaking out to us on here is a HUGE step...you aren't in denial and you do want to stop...But you're living that perfect storm that makes your brain very susceptible to addiction.

Have you tried Soberecovery.com? It's a great online resource/forum and even has online AA/NA meetings. Did you have a sponsor when you got clean before?not sure what your DOC is...but different drugs so different things to the brain.

Please PM me if you want to chat. You need to break away isolation to get well. Your friends/family will cone around....but Unfortunately you may have to earn back there trust. Believe me I have been there too.

I am glad though you have found this place...((((Hugs))))
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

gracelet

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Re: So i'm kinda fucked up...and people are getting mad at me?
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2015, 07:11:30 AM »
Paul,

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the difficult path you are facing. Addiction's a bitch. I have no experience with drugs but after my wife died two years ago, I became an alcoholic. A high functioning alcoholic granted - I held down a job and never went to work drunk - but I needed the booze to numb the pain, to pass the time alone and to fall asleep. You and I both know that what we have done to our bodies is not good for us.

You have taken a brave step in admitting your struggles here. I'm glad you could find a safe space. It took me a while to admit to myself that I was struggling with alcoholism (read here http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/03/21/the-gorgeous-alcoholic/ ) and a very stupid incident of having a one night stand with a man (I'm a lesbian) to recognise that I was in a destructive pattern. Please don't let it get to a stage where It takes a massive cock up to knock sense into you.

As people above have said, it's crucial to break away from the isolation. People will judge you. Some people might not even believe you have a problem and are just crying wolf. But those who love you - who may be people who completely surprise you - will be there for you and encourage you along the way.

It sounds lame and like it would never work but two things that were very helpful for me we're going to the gym to dance classes, and mindfulness colouring in books. Gym gets the endorphins going when I need a rush, and mindfulness helps me switch off and feel the calm.

You owe it to yourself to live a happy, healthy life; don't delay, get that help. Reach out to people here who have been addicts in the past.

Wishing you all the best.

Grace
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com