Author Topic: Expect too much ?  (Read 6625 times)

Momtojandj

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Expect too much ?
« on: March 14, 2015, 08:08:38 AM »
I had a really rough Nite Thursday with my grief group, which resulted in a lot of crying and no sleep. I had told guy I'm seeing about it yesterday am, and he did call and we talked . Only thing I had heard from rest of day was a Ty in response to a text about me telling him something. By 11 last night when he hadn't texted, figured he fell asleep early, but then I was mad .. He couldnt take 30 seconds to text and say , hope your day got better? So I called , and told him I was hurt and maybe I expect to much .. He apologized and agreed I was right.
      Of course I wondered if was right thing , but it bothered me and I couldn't pretend it didn't . I don't want to ever come across as needy , but we have been seeing each other since August , and I said to him when he's in a funk, I worry and check on him , so I don't think I'm asking for too much. Also honestly if it was another day, wouldn't have thought twice about how much I spoke with him .
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Bear1956

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2015, 08:48:52 AM »
"Expect too much ?"

In my opinion, yes.

(This post might get flamed but it is my opinion8) )

OSAAT

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 09:00:14 AM »
I don't think you expected too much. I have a question, did he agree that you were expecting too much? I was confused about that. I expect a man I am dating to be emotionally available. That is not expecting too much, that is my personal expectation odf a partner. You have to decide your limits. For me, I would want a guy I am dating to care to ask how I am after an emotional day. He knew you were upset, correct? Was he intentionally avoiding you and/or the emotional aspect?

Momtojandj

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2015, 09:23:24 AM »
Thanks bear .. No flaming.. I know men aren't as complicated as women.

Osaat.. No he agreed that he should have called or texted me and said he was sorry.
I agree about emotionally available , I didn't think it was too much for him to worry and check on me. Yes, he knew I was upset , we had talked on phone earlier in day , maybe he thought I was fine .. I wasn't , and yes I could've reached out again to him. Honestly thought just a text to say u ok, day better .. No he wasn't avoiding me, he is honestly busy and think unfortunately he's a guy ( sorry guys) and just didn't have clue. I needed him to know though , i was hurt that he hadn't tried to reach out later in day. 
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Bear1956

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2015, 09:30:23 AM »
Thanks bear .. No flaming.. I know men aren't as complicated as women.

 :)

BTW, we (men) apologize out of habit, to make the gal happy, and because we hate sleeping alone.  ;)
« Last Edit: March 14, 2015, 10:09:43 AM by b?ar »

Momtojandj

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2015, 10:23:12 AM »
Bear.. Advise taken .. Feel like maybe I over reacted a tad.. Nothing I can do now .. Ugh lol
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

anniegirl

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2015, 11:35:21 AM »
Momtojandj, maybe you handled it in a way that increased tension but I am in the camp of "speak your mind" when it comes to relationships and what you expect.

No one is a mind-reader. People can't know what you need unless you tell them.

You told him. Maybe a bit too harshly. But now he knows. So you go on.

Relationships are a bit of work in the communication department.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

swilson

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2015, 12:05:08 PM »
Men Anonymous Creed

I'm a man, But I can change, If I have to, I guess.
 ~Red Green
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

lcoxwell

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2015, 12:35:56 PM »
Personally, I feel that the answer to the question, "Expect too much?" really depends on your individual relationship with your significant other, on how often and how well you communicate, and on whether he has been there during times of need before, or not.  In some relationships, this would, by no means, be expecting too much.  In others, it might be.  Only you can truly answer that, though the rest of us might be able to give our opinions.

From my perspective, I think it is good that you are comfortable enough with him to communicate that you had a need and that you were hurt.  The only way a relationship can grow is for the people involved to be able to share their thoughts and feelings and to be honest with one another.  If you think you overreacted or handled it badly, then apologize, and go from there.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Bear1956

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2015, 01:56:06 PM »
Men Anonymous Creed

I'm a man, But I can change, If I have to, I guess.
 ~Red Green

I luv the wisdom of Red Green.  8)

TooSoon

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2015, 02:29:21 PM »
For what it is worth, you are not expecting too much.  Sure, we all screw up sometimes and it sounds like he wasn't being deliberately thoughtless, maybe just clueless.  If he was receptive, the more important thing is whether or not he takes that cue and acts on it in the future. 

Also, I'm with someone I met here a year and a half ago and I guess we've been "together" for about a year but we are not in the same place, not by a long shot.  Anyway, our relationship would not work without consistency.  That hasn't been a problem but I was so doggedly determined not to be needy (he's got 7 more years into widowhood than I do) that I would just bottle everything up.  I've really had to FORCE myself to break that down and tell him what I am feeling and more importantly what I need.  Each time I have managed this, whether in person or via email), I have felt such a relief to have unburdened myself.  I can't speak for him but I think it is a relief for him, too. 

Hang in there!  I'm rooting for you! 

Momtojandj

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2015, 03:14:54 PM »
Thank you all, someone should really take my phone away however when I'm in this funk... Starting second guessing , and sent a quick text to him saying I felt bad for how I came across , I haven't been myself since group and I might have over reacted and I could as well just called Him to say I needed him. Yea , so that was 2 hours ago and nothing back. We did talk this am, but no mention of last night. I might have crossed line to crazy behavior .. Let's see if I hear from him. Argh :-(
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

Momtojandj

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2015, 03:15:52 PM »
Oo and bear....No comments on the crazy ness that is me lately... Haha
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

fleur

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2015, 03:27:29 PM »
Momtojandj,

First off, I am sorry you had a rough night and quite honestly there will just be times when we are all more needy than others.

No, you were not expecting too much, instead you were expecting what you were needing at the time.  Relationships are full of give and take but they don?t work in the long-term if either person?s needs remain unfulfilled.  The real question then becomes, is what I need too much for my guy to give?  The answer would be yes if your guy was Barney but you are not in a relationship with Barney and it's up to your guy to answer that question for you.

Quite honestly, your guy was most likely just in a different mindset than you were and didn?t realise that you needed to hear from him again.  It?s a really good thing that you told him though because like AG says, ?No one is a mind-reader.?  Now, at least he knows where you stand.  Had you not told him how you were feeling, your hurt would have likely surfaced in other ways, most likely passive aggressively, which is not really fair play.  I hope your guy could hear what you had to say and cares enough to try and make it better. 

Good luck.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2015, 05:31:43 PM by fleur »

Bear1956

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Re: Expect too much ?
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2015, 11:08:21 PM »
Oo and bear....No comments on the crazy ness that is me lately... Haha

 :)

Repeat after me: "I am responsible for my own happiness."