Author Topic: An Introduction  (Read 1647 times)

skipd

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An Introduction
« on: December 28, 2015, 10:32:20 PM »
Hello everyone.  I'm Skip and I am a 30 year old widower.  My wife passed away unexpectedly about 3 weeks ago, leaving me with a 5 year old son and 8 month old daughter.  I've mourned her, but started the process of moving on rather quickly.  I am glad this site is here as it gives me even more peace that this is not abnormal.  In particular, the posts of reality shocks months down the road struck a note.

My wife was 31 and in her first year of law school.  She was studying for the last final she had to take and collapsed in the school library, never to be recovered.  We were working our way through a 10 year plan an were 4 years through.  Unfortunately, this has left me in a world of hurt, not only emotionally, but financially. 

My son is suffering the most.  She was everything to him and he to her.  She was the mother every child deserved.  I sadly am a part of this community now, and I would greatly appreciate any guidance from those who have experienced a loss at such a young age with such young children.

swilson

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2015, 06:50:37 AM »
{Hug} skipd, I'm sorry you lost your wife and the children are without their mother. I can't offer any insight on grieving while nurturing children but know Widda.org has a young parents with children forum. Finding this community has been a big help to me on this journey and sure they will be to you as well.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

Helena

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2015, 06:58:36 AM »
Skipd, I?m so sorry for your loss. :'( Big hugs to you.
I lost my husband in August this year. He was only 36 and probably died og a blockage in a coronary artery. Now I?m standing here with three children aged 8, 4 and 2. Life is such an ass sometimes.

Wheelerswife

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2015, 07:43:39 AM »
skipd and Helena,

Welcome to our club...some incredible people, who, like you, had to pay an awful price to join.  I hope you feel welcome.  Please remember to be kind to yourselves.  Feel free to tell your story in a safe place, to vent, scream, cry and even laugh here.  Eat when you can, sleep when you can, drink plenty of water, take any help that is offered to you.  Now is the time when life is about you and your kids.  Remember that this is your grief...and therefore your rules.  We each process our losses differently.  If you feel good about something, then do it.  There is no widow handbook, but a lot of experiences that you can read here and apply to yourself if they circumstances fit.

Hugs.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

skipd

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2015, 01:16:47 PM »
Skipd, I?m so sorry for your loss. :'( Big hugs to you.
I lost my husband in August this year. He was only 36 and probably died og a blockage in a coronary artery. Now I?m standing here with three children aged 8, 4 and 2. Life is such an ass sometimes.

Thanks to everyone for the replies.  Helena, I'm sorry to hear that.  I find the grieving process for me to fall more under my son than for myself.  It pains me to no end that he lost his world.  My daughter was already drawn more to me than my wife, so that makes things a bit easier there.  However, it still hurts that she will never know her mother outside of trinkets and pictures.  She was a great woman - I was the envy of many of my male friends and even gave one hope that he could find someone for himself.  She never said no to anything, but always asked for me to think things through.  On her list of importance, I think she fell last.  Unfortunately, I fear that may be what cost her her life.

I hope you are able to cope while taking care of those children.  There are many widows and widowers, but each one I know looks at me with complete loss on what to say because of the young chidren.  It is a unique situation - one that I feel makes it that much more difficult to address your own emotions.

Jen

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2015, 01:53:57 PM »
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Keep talking. We get it.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

canadiangirl

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2015, 05:12:39 PM »
skipd and Helena, so sorry for your losses.  My child was 5 when we lost my DH.  skipd, you said you wished for any guidance from others in the same boat.  I am two years out.  I have done many things "wrong" but the one thing I know I am doing correctly (for my family) is bringing up the topic of my DH with my child on a pretty routine basis in a factual way.  I want my child to remember my DH so I raise memories or things he did or liked. I respond to any questions my child may have in a calm and logical way as well.  My DH was cremated - it was the one thing I did not speak about in detail or explain early on, because I thought it would seem too violent or shocking to a little one, but I know others were upfront with this without challenges.  They are pretty resilient - mostly my child just wanted and still wants to play, which makes a lot of sense.  I don't feel a lot of joy or happiness myself, but I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) not to rob that from my child, as we were otherwise robbed of so much.  I hope that helps.  Take good care.

skipd

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2015, 05:41:46 PM »
Thanks CAgirl. 5 seems like such a tough age for this to happen... not that any age is easy. They are just forming longlasting childhood memories and really already have that strong bond with the parent.

calimom

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2015, 09:35:15 PM »
Welcome, Skipd and Helena:

There's never a good age to lose a parent; my own father died when I was 17.  I'm 8 years and change out.  When my husband was killed, my children were 1, 5, and 14.  I honestly feel that the ages of 4 and 5 are the most difficult.  They're old enough not for it to be a blur, and not yet able to cogitate the loss.  My deepest sympathies to you and your families.

My kids have done well and flourished, in fact.  The best advise I remember getting was from a more seasoned widow who said "when my mom was OK, I was OK."  In your case, Skipd, it's dad, but I truly believe our we learn from our kids as much as our kids learn from us.

Wishing you the best as you travel the widow road.
"I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full bloom" - REM

Jess

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Re: An Introduction
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2015, 11:19:33 AM »
Hi skidp and Helena, I am sorry you had to look, but so happy you found us. This group of people has done amazing things in helping me through my process of healing and living with this loss. I hope you find this community to be as big of a help as I have.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014