Author Topic: Transmissions from Hell  (Read 8457 times)

Carey

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #15 on: March 27, 2015, 07:51:30 AM »
Michael you silver tongued devil you.  You just made my day :)
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

Michael797

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2015, 11:23:44 PM »
Submitted for your consideration or something - yet another unaired transmission from the vault ? probably withheld due to its being too weird.

WEIRD WIDOW THOUGHTS

1.   I wonder if I stand in front of a mirror in a candlelit room and say her name three times, will she show up? And if she does, will she drag me to Hell?

2.   So much for ?life after death? ? after her death, I pretty much lost my life.

3.   Sunlight feels creepy now. Grey seems more familiar.

4.   Is it possible that I?ll never give a fuck about anything again?

5.   Secretly I despise your lack of concern. You actually make death feel worse.

6.   How do you know if you?re grieving correctly?

7.   Never knew there were so many cemeteries around here.

8.   So this is what it?s like to be an alien on a strange planet. Pretty much sucks.

9.   The only advice I can give for your marital problems is ?Fix It!?

10.   I really miss doing anything with you, but mostly the touching.

TTFN from Radio Hell - the eternal gum on your shoe.

swilson

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2015, 09:02:06 AM »
Oh Michael, your #1 touches my Beetlejuice fantasy. It would have been wonderful if we could have departed at the same instant then hang out together in the afterlife in our house with a quirky new family. Anyway back to real life  :'(
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2015, 06:45:54 PM »
Micheal, I just so love your transmissions!  You make me laugh and I thank you for that. Keep them coming :)
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Jen

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #19 on: April 05, 2015, 10:25:57 AM »
Yes to all of these. Re #1: Been there, tried that. Also various spells I gleaned from Buffy and Supernatural. No dice; it doesn't work. I'm not sure if that's a shame or a relief.

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

JacklessSally

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2015, 09:35:28 AM »
in response to #1

Due to the type of relationship that B and I had, I have often tried to do things that would make him mad, that would make him come back and get me, even if it were just to yell at me for doing it. Little stupid things,nothing huge... not like relapsing.. But I won't clean something the correct way.
B.H.S. 1-20-1974 - 11-13-2014

You will always be my Jack and I will always be your Sally. For we were simply meant to be.

Ursula

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #21 on: April 09, 2015, 09:56:23 AM »
Michael, I invited A to appear many times, but ....nothing. I expect he will appear when/if ever I am in bed with another man, that is just the type of guy he was- and I know I will talk to him and tell him to come back another time.... and that will be the end of the other guy.....I guess....  yes, I have definitively weird thoughts....
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

Joey

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2015, 10:37:04 PM »
With all warranted humility... I'd like to add a few of my own...

  • I searched Amazon.com for "acceptance", hoping for a 1-click buy, or perhaps overnight delivery. No luck.
  • I'm perfecting something I arrogantly call the "Joey hat-trick": eat, walk, bathe; all in the same day!
  • Last week I saw a beautiful sunrise. It was a new day... I thought to myself "really? again?"
  • Shouldn't widow(er)s be granted conjugal dream visits?
  • Watched a movie this week. Young woman lost her husband to the war; I yelled at the TV "See ya' on the forum... ((hugs))"

Michael... thank you for this.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2015, 10:38:50 PM by Joey »
"The winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so
When love is pain it can devour you, you are never alone"
In The Light
Led Zeppelin

rifatheroffour

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2015, 07:23:55 AM »
Shouldn't widow(er)s be granted conjugal dream visits?

IF ONLY...Hell I'll take any dream of her...
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

Jen

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #24 on: April 17, 2015, 07:26:22 AM »
I almost never dream about Jim, but when I do, he's always mad at me. I don't understand why. What did I do wrong? I'm not the one who left... I'm still right here in hell. :(
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Michael797

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #25 on: April 17, 2015, 09:32:13 AM »
Here?s a transmission that belongs squarely in this thread ? be warned that it?s pretty self-indulgent. As always, you?re cordially invited to go read something else, but this really needs to be brought into daylight.

Last year at this time was when all hell started breaking loose. She was beginning her treatments (3 times a week) and swelling up from blood clots. Between chemo, the clots, and the medications, she was nearly always unconscious. My days consisted of getting up in the morning, flying out the door, driving 30 miles to teach a class, flying back to take her to treatments, then flying back to school to teach night classes before flying home again.

She did have other family looking after her, but none of them had intended to marry her. For me, it was pretty personal.

In the beginning, she asked me if she was going to die. I gave the only answer I could possibly give; ?Hell, no! You?re going to survive this and write a book and wind up on Oprah. You?ll be the inspiration for every survivor ever.?

Three months later she was gone.

Lately it?s all been coming back, little Kodak moments from hell. Sometimes things trigger it and other times it just sort of slithers into awareness - flashbacks that are becoming more vivid. The memories are refusing to be suppressed any longer; the trickle?s becoming a stream. Does anyone sell flood insurance for this?

Everyone thinks it was Shakespeare that coined the phrase ?What fresh hell is this?? but it was actually a columnist named Dorothy Parker (did you know that?). Regardless, it?s becoming one astonishingly fresh ? one might even say springtime-fresh - hell. It's almost like the weather is bringing it all back; the days feel eerily familiar and the nightmares are returning with unmistakable grins.

So how?s things been with you?

Jen

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #26 on: April 17, 2015, 09:52:40 AM »
Michael, I'm sorry. Beyond sorry. There aren't enough words to express it, and it's too daunting to try. I could find quotes, but I promised not to do that, so-- here I am. Basically wordless. ((((hugs))))

How's things with me? Do you want the honest answer? Sigh.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 10:48:49 PM by Just Jen »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

jlp

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2015, 03:42:55 PM »
Oh, Michael, your post dredged up something I was trying to ignore, but it's useless, so I might as well chime in.

A year ago today, I took DH to the hospital as he as having trouble peeing.  Turns out he had a bladder infection, was catheterized, and given antibiotics.  Two days later (on Easter Sunday, a beautiful day), it was back to the ER because he couldn't poop.  Spent all day and most of the evening there, before he was admitted with a bowel obstruction.  In the hospital for a week, waiting for the obstruction to correct itself, which it did.  During that time, we were told that his tumors appeared to be shrinking a bit after the first round of chemo.  Yay, right?

Except he was gone ten weeks later, just eight weeks short of our 30th wedding anniversary.

With apologies to Alfred E. Neumann -- "What, me bitter?"  No wonder I haven't stopped crying for the last two days. 

The next three months are going to suck so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'll hang out with all of you and hope for the best.

Michael797

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #28 on: April 21, 2015, 10:37:20 PM »
The next three months are going to suck so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'll hang out with all of you and hope for the best.

All winter long (and we got smacked in the northeast this time), I couldn't wait until spring - just figured that the warmer air and sun would finally obliterate all the creepiness of this past winter and the holidays. But this year, spring feels like an alternate reality; I'm supposed to be driving all over creation for the sake of keeping my soulmate alive. Now there's no soulmate, and I have no idea where I'm going or why I'm headed there.

Yeah, I do think the next three months will be the creepiest time of all. So I, for one, am there with you. It's not much, but it's all I have right now. I can truly say, with more sincerity than I've ever possessed, I get it.

Michael797

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Re: Transmissions from Hell
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2015, 11:18:18 PM »
Really, you?re still coming here? This thread?s not so funny anymore, you know.

Oh-fucking-kay, you asked for it. The following post should mathematically be in the next forum over, but given the subject matter, we?ll just park it here with the rest of the crud (no offense meant to other posters).

This one?s called ?Letting Go.? Catchy, ain?t it? ?Giving Up? is more fitting, but it sounds too suicidal. Standards and Practices would be shrieking like cheerleaders. But anyway?

Everywhere I go now, I see ghosts. It?s just turned nine months, but everything that happened last year at this time is playing over and over in my eyes. A constant string of dead moments.

It?s like living in a Night Gallery episode. I?m nearly always alone now - can?t think of anything to do with myself, but I don?t want to be around anyone, either. All I can think about is last year?s fight and decline.

She hasn?t appeared in a long time. I think she?s really officially had to move on. Yet it seems appropriate to relive her nightmare over again; she truly deserved to have someone honor her for the rest of their life, so it doesn?t seem like such a bad thing to be doing. I can?t stop thinking about her anyway ? she always had the perfect response for whatever mood I presented her with. Nobody else can do that, nobody. You can really get to miss that when you lose it.

So I can?t stop thinking about her and missing her. But I really do think she?s gone, and now life is just a big drag. Nothing?s changed, but everything?s completely empty and soulless. That?s probably not good.

I just might have to finally let go. Whatever that means. Frankly, it doesn?t sound easy.

Ugh, apologies for the toxic content of this post. Please don?t track any of it out with you when you leave. Sorry.