Author Topic: Non widow dating  (Read 6034 times)

Chrispy89

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Non widow dating
« on: March 15, 2015, 07:09:22 AM »
There's lots of success stories of widows meeting other widows which is fantastic, but I'd love to hear some success stories of widows meeting non widowers and making it work. Anyone got a story to share?

MrsT85

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2015, 08:42:17 AM »
My story is still a story-in-progress, but I'd be happy to share.

I was 27 when my husband was killed in a car accident almost two years ago.  I've always been kinda a nerdy "guy's girl" in that I'm not into most of the stereotypical "girl stuff" (or as my friend Quinn sometimes says, I'm a "chick-dude"), so for all of my adult life most of my friends have been men.  Which was fantastic for Tim and I - since our interests were almost identical, we didn't have "his friends" and "my friends" - all of our friends were "our friends" and a handful of them did an amazing job of rallying around and being there for me after he died.  I had moved back in with my parents almost immediately after losing him, which almost immediately started to drive me crazy, so one of the biggest ways they were there to support me was to keep me out of the house and keep me busy.  I don't have children to focus my attention on, so most of my time alone at that point consisted of drinking, screaming at an urn, and obsessively refreshing various ywbb pages.  Three months after his accident, I was invited by one of these friends to a big pool party at his dad's house with a whole bunch of his other friends, many of whom I didn't really know.  I didn't feel like going, but (never being the social one in the relationship) figured I probably should - if for no other reason, than as practice in just being out in public and making friends and talking to people I didn't know.  I got there and over the course of the first couple hours made a few random and awkward introductions to these friends-of-friends, having each of those conversations last a couple semi-pleasant minutes before ending.  Then, much to my surprise, one of these introductions turned into a rest-of-the-night conversation with a man who unbeknownst to me at the time was the childhood best friend of the dear friend who had invited me to the whole event in the first place.  He was 32, never married, and childless.  This hours-long discussion led to some online gaming, which led to some Skype calls, which led to a first date....

And so on and so on.  Until this Christmas, when he surprised me with his grandmother's engagement ring and asked me to marry him.  I said yes, and we're getting ready to move into our first apartment together at the end of the month.  The wedding will be end of June 2016.

While I feel so lucky to have met a nice, normal guy who seems to love me despite all my widow craziness, there have been several bumps in the road caused at least in part by the scars this trauma has left on me.  In August, he was making it sound like he was thinking of leaving me because he could never be my "first choice."  There's been some additional stress and fighting going on with planning this upcoming move because it's my third move in two years (the first of which was right after Tim died and extremely traumatic) and I'm emotionally exhausted just thinking about it and reacting to things in ways that I'm sure make no sense to him.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes envy the wids who've found other wids and might therefore share a deeper understanding of the kind of emotional baggage it leaves you with, but the vast majority of the time my New Guy does his very best to be patient and kind and understand as best he can.  And I'm quite a handful sometimes - especially in our early months together, since we met so recently after my loss. 

Things can still be rough sometimes, but I'm back on my way to building a good life with a good man again.  I have a future to look toward and someone who wants to build it with me.  We've been together less than two years (which - after my 8.5 year relationship with Tim doesn't seem too long) but so far we seem to be making it work :)  And I'll make sure to keep  you all updated - a remarried widow is still a widow, and I'm not planning on letting go of this wonderful community any time soon!
« Last Edit: March 15, 2015, 08:47:11 AM by MrsTim85 »
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Lisa

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2015, 09:25:23 AM »
No happily ever after yet but one of the worst dates I had was with a widower. Many people I know found love and marriage with non widowed people.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

fctyler

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2015, 09:45:47 AM »
I really wanted to meet a widower because I felt that he would understand what I was going through and I wouldn't have to worry about him being jealous of my husband because he "got it."  Well, I got set up through mutual friends with a widower.  It was a perfect match: we had both been happily married, we had mutual friends who thought we would hit it off, He had kids around the same age as mine, etc.  I tried for 4 dates, I even wrote a post on the YWBB and asked people if everything is there but chemistry, is that OK?  Most people said NO!! which I am thankful for now, because I realized I wanted passion and connection and I wasn't getting it with my widower friend.

I took the leap and went on Match.com. After a few false starts, I met a man who had been divorced for 10 years and had no children.  Two big red flags for me because I felt that divorced people were probably angry and hated marriage and that someone with no kids would get sick of talking about kids or doing stuff with mine.  I really liked what I saw on his profile though, so I decided to give it a go and meet  him.

He turned out to be charming, kind, humorous, happy, and a lover of kids and great with mine.  We are getting married in June.  :)

I learned how being widowed/divorced/never married should never be the sole reason to date or not date.   

nonesuch

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2015, 12:14:23 PM »
I'm seeing a divorced man.   He's not bitter, most of his marriage was good to okay.  He tried counseling at the end.  It didn't work.  He was married 30 years, he knows what commitment is about. He said he cried the day his divorce became final. This is what made me sit up and take notice:

He's on good terms with the women he's dated since then.

Aha! someone who treats people well, is honest with them, and ends thing amicably before it goes too far. 





Portside

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2015, 02:47:41 PM »
Sure do! I have been remarried for a few years now to a woman that was not previously widowed.

The fact that one of us has been widowed and the other not has not impacted us in the slightest. We both know we have a history of which the other was not a part. So? We love each other without limit or qualification and, as a result, can talk freely about what each of us has experienced before we met. It has never been an issue.

My wife treats my children as her own - I do the same. We didn't have any blending issues with the kids at all. (Six in total). We have combined everything including our finances without incident or worries. Truly, it couldn't have been easier.

I honestly do not see any value when dating to limit oneself to widow/ers or non-widow/ers. There are folks that are good for you and bad for you in each of those groups.

But you do need to choose wisely.
Good luck - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Sugarbell

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2015, 03:44:34 PM »
I am seeing a divorced man...so far we are very compatible.

But more than his "status" came into play. He had been divorced 15 years, one college age daughter. No drama from ex. If he had been widowed and worked through issues...that would be fine too.

My big thing was someone independent and that had their life together. That's appealing to me. Whether they were never married, divorced, widowed-I didn't care...It was more on the stage of there life I was looking for.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

lcoxwell

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2015, 06:12:45 PM »
I don't know if I should be posting this here or in the "Confessions" thread.  I found YWBB a few weeks out, and I spent weeks reading through EVERYTHING.  The "Social Situations" forum gave me hope, but also had me a bit worried.  I live in a remote area, where finding a potential date could be difficult.  From what I was reading in the forum, online dating seemed to be the way to go, but it seemed like it might take a while to find someone I would be interested in dating.  From what I was reading, online dating seemed to be an art form, with a learning curve, which might take a few months to figure out.

I wasn't ready to start dating, yet, but I figured that, if it was going to take a few months, I didn't want to wait until I was ready to start looking.  So, I researched a few online dating sites, picked one I thought would work for me, and developed a profile.  Never in a million years, would I have ever guessed that I would end up in a relationship with one of the very first people I was matched with, and the only person I ever met in person.  What can I say?  I always was a fast learner, and our first few interactions with one another intrigued me.

New Guy has never been married, because he knows what he is looking for in a relationship and refuses to settle for anything less.  Our first date was very early on, probably before I was truly ready, but he waited another 5 weeks before asking me out on date #2.  By then, I was definitely ready for dating, probably too early on for most people, but I knew that, the longer I waited, the harder it would be me.  While I do not recommend dating early on for most people, it was right FOR ME.

My New Guy is a remarkable man. He has a profound understanding of the widow brain, asking questions and encouraging me to talk about my Kenneth, when I need to. He recognizes that I will always love Kenneth, but he also knows that the heart has an unlimited capacity to love.  New Guy is a secure and confident man, who knows I love him and who does not feel like he has to compete with Kenneth, or his memory.  He knows he has more than enough good things to offer in a potential relationship, on his own right.

New Guy tells me that he thanks God for placing me in his life, and he tells me he thinks God made me "nearly perfect". He has a calm and peaceful manner about him that is just what I needed after years of turmoil and struggling in my life. Being with him just feels easy and natural. He knows how to bring romance into a relationship, how to build chemistry, and he can kiss like no one I have ever dated.  He's intelligent, funny, and engaging.  He is also just as comfortable sitting at home or going out.  Most of all, for the first time in years, I have someone who wants to take care of me, for a change, and I cannot even begin to describe how good that feels.

New Guy and I are at the point, where we are talking about a future together, but we aren't rushing into things.  We are taking our time and letting things develop naturally, and we pray about each and every decision along the way.  Now that I have passed the one year anniversary of Kenneth's death, we are starting to talk more seriously about the possibility of me moving this Summer to be closer to him (he's two hours away).

My Kenneth and my new guy are pretty much polar opposites, but I think Kenneth would approve. He wanted me to be happy, and he wanted me to find someone that would be good to me. Will I ever stop wishing Kenneth were here with me? Probably not, but life goes on, even when I don't want it to, so I am going to do all I can to reach for happiness, and thank Kenneth for teaching me just how precious life is.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Chrispy89

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2015, 12:50:57 AM »
Lovely to see lots of people happy :) I'm not ready to start dating yet but it was interesting to see that most of the stories on here were widows finding other widows, but I'm sure that's probably because a lot of people actually met on YWBB! I'm only 25, the chance of me finding another widow my age and where I am living at the moment is slim to none, so it's nice to see people dating non widows with success stories... Although it's unlikely that I will end up dating someone who has been divorced for 30 years also haa haa. Everyone has their emotional baggage so you would have to judge each person on their own merit anyway.. I'm enjoying the stories tho, so keep them up!!

robunknown

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2015, 08:01:00 AM »
I don't believe I am ready yet. But I have had anxiety over the thought of who I should date when the time comes (divorced, widowed, never been, ...), reading some of the previous horror stories about dating. But this thread gives me hope that when the time comes not to judge the other person solely on their "status".

Thanks.

Mizpah

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2015, 09:31:02 AM »
Most of my widow friends have recoupled and most of them are (happily) with non-widowers.  Some met far out, some men soon after, some were instantly in love, some gradually fell in love, etc., etc.  (I am with a widower, and it is NOT easy, it's the most difficult and complicated and work-intensive and patience-requiring relationship I've ever been in.  Not sure if it's because he's a widower or because he's who he is....)
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MissinGrizz

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2015, 09:32:52 AM »
I married a non widower last summer. He knew my situation before asking me out, as his son went to school with my son, and he was very patient and told me all the way through that he knew I would always love my Grizz and didn't feel threatened. Perhaps he understood somewhat as he lost his only sibling when he was a teenager, but I believe there are many wonderful people who understand enough or are man/woman enough not to feel threatened.

He took my kids out before he proposed and explained to them he'd never try to replace their dad and would try to honor him always and that they should always feel free to discuss him as he's a part of our family forever. He brings him up more than I do.

I don't compare or overshare, and I think that's important. He's come to the cemetery with me, seen me cry and give me space when I say I need it, etc., but I don't wallow and only had a major meltdown once in front of him, when we were moving and I broke something special Grizz had given me. That's not how I work, normally. I'm pretty private with my tears. :-)

I truly love this man differently but as much as my late husband. I spent 21 wonderful years with him, and hopefully will spend that and more with my chapter two. I'm blessed to have found love twice.

Kamcho

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2015, 12:27:51 PM »
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« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 07:32:53 AM by Kamcho »

Melbar

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2015, 12:40:07 PM »
My guy is divorced, was married 15 years.  The circumstances of his divorce are heartbreaking - I think I was far enough along in my widowed status to understand that both of us suffered a very painful loss... no trying to 'one-up' each other.

He lost his father many years ago to cancer - his dad was the same age as my husband when he died.  He grieved that loss very hard as did his mother, so I know he gets it.  But all that aside, I just love who he is and I'm glad I waited long enough to get past my initial feeling that divorced people can't possibly understand.

markb74

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Re: Non widow dating
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2015, 01:08:43 PM »
I thought I was ready for a relationship with one person, they were good to me, good to my son, there when I needed them... But they did a few things that made me realize that if I was ready for a relationship it was not with them. she was house sitting for my dogs, and one day while doing so she decided to start putting my son's mother's/grandmothers stuffed animals in bags, and left them in the garage. Then I realized she put my bear in there. now I am 40, but my bear was the first gift that a girl ever gave me in school for the LARGE present at the end of the Kris Kringle week. it was one of her own personal stuffed animals and I promised to always take care of it... at first I accepted it but a week later it bothered me so much I could not deal with it. I was so annoyed that this person just expected me to change my house around to suit themselves... It made me second guess everything.  I did not meet this person online, I still see them weekly and I call her a friend, but she has some remorse against me, and while things are good with laughter and smiles she will always get in that one snide sarcastic remark.... I had a match.com account that I was not really active on, I do have one good friend i met on it, me and her talk a lot. she was very attractive and we had some spark, she was just at the end of a divorce, it was just bad timing, but we keep in touch since we have kids the same age. my coworker said i should get back on match and just see who is out there, it never hurts to meet someone for coffee and conversation... 3 weeks ago i had someone shoot me a message and we chatted. my plans fell through on a Saturday night and she was on her way out with the girls and said lets meet up over a single beer to see if there is a spark. I figured my son was at grandma's for the night so I had nothing to loose. well we had 2 beers that night and went our separate ways that night... but we continued to chat, and talk, and meet for lunch, and dinners... she has a son who is close to my sons age. she is on match the same reason as me... no time for the bar scene to meet people and did not like being alone.... and we joke around a lot, we get each other... we have lots of common friends its kinda scary.... her parents are within walking distance of my house. i drive past her house to get to my brothers, our birthday is 2 days apart, she is bubbly, a teacher for almost 19 years. she is wanting to take it slow because of both my past, and her last relationship. keeping the boys in the background and see how we pan out. we both have the same feelings about match.com... its BS... people using old pics and lying about bad habits... etc... but even as close as we live, and probably passed each other on the road, or saw each other at the store we never would have met if it wasn't for that damn website. in fact, even if things don't turn out as expected I know she will still end up being a close friend I can depend on.
It's OK to dig a pit of despair and jump in.
It's NOT OK to stay in there and wallow.