Author Topic: meeting new people  (Read 3205 times)

imissdow

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meeting new people
« on: January 14, 2016, 05:29:34 PM »
So tonight I head out for my first ever kickboxing class.  I'm really hoping that there are a couple of people at this class that I feel comfortable talking to.  I know the instructor she was my trainer when I first started going to the gym a year ago.  I told her I wanted a class for fitness and for some adult time. She assures me that this is a good place for that. I have taken dance classes, gone to a grief group, did a stint at the local theater, joined a gym did meetup groups for a while and joined a couple of groups at my church.  I even got involved in my DD's marching band and color guard for a year or two.  I have met a lot of women but not a lot of guys.  I did on-line dating and met a lot of the wrong type guys and a couple of nice ones.  To be quite honest I'm really rather sick of meeting people. I have a hard time remembering names unless you did something that makes me remember you.  I have no interest in most sports, I'm not into bars and somehow I'm thinking quilting and dancing will just net me more women friends.   I'm now on e-harmony  and that's looking like a waste of my 45$. on the flip side I don't have a in box full of "do you want to meet for sex" e-mails.  In all my pictures I am fully  dressed  so it's not like I'm sending that type of message.  So we do you go to meet men that they won't think I'm looking for a hook up?

linda5

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2016, 05:43:44 PM »
I'd like to know the answer to that too!

daysofelijah

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2016, 05:55:15 PM »
It sounds like you've done a lot of great ideas, just hasn't panned out yet. I live in a small town right now so other than the bar scene the only option is really OLD. I've been fortunate and met a nice guy on Match who lives in the next town. Pay sites like match were much better that the free ones like OKCupid for getting more more serious contacts. These days it seems like the best option. It's how I met my late dh 15 years ago too. Sorry I don't have any ideas, it's a tough thing.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

Portside

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2016, 07:09:41 PM »
  So we do you go to meet men that they won't think I'm looking for a hook up?

Have you reached out and asked some of the guys on your dating sites if they'd like to meet for coffee? I think I'm in an older demographic than you so that my have some impact but plenty of women asked me out for the initial meet when I was dating online. Not much can go wrong if you meet at Starbucks or Panera just to introduce yourself to someone. I always found it very flattering when a woman asked to meet. Never had a bad time either!

Many of the group activities you mentioned are generally women oriented. Naturally, you'll meet more women than men. You will have better luck if you go where the men are: sport bars, golfing, Crossfit gyms, Home Depot, etc. I wish I was kidding but, honestly, that's where (many) of us are.

Guys love women that take an interest in what interests us. You don't have to be a big sports fan - hell, I'm not. But you can learn enough to bluff your way through the initial meet and hopefully, it develops from there on it's own. Ask a guy in Home Depot for his opinion on anything and he'll talk your ear off. Hand him a wax seal for a toilet drain and ask him how you install it. Presto! You'd made a new friend. If you are nervous, tell him you've never asked for help before. Double points!

Good luck! - Mike

The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Guaruj

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2016, 07:51:56 PM »
I agree with this last paragraph and would like to add my own two cents:

Guys love women that take an interest in what interests us. You don't have to be a big sports fan - hell, I'm not. But you can learn enough to bluff your way through the initial meet and hopefully, it develops from there on it's own.

Women who are clever about this will show just enough interest to ask questions. I'm sure you will often meet a man who enjoys the opportunity to explain what he knows to you. You don't need to be an expert on any kind of "guy stuff", he'll be happy to know that your interested in the subject and interested in what he knows about it.

Have fun!

lcoxwell

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2016, 09:52:56 PM »
Personally, I would love to be able to give you a bit of advice here, but I am quite the oddball, apparently. In my 20s, I was doing many of the things that you mentioned doing, in order to meet men. Just about everyone I knew was also busy setting me up with this friend or that one. None of it worked for me.

Then, I met my Kenneth randomly on one of those online chat rooms for Christian singles. Within a couple of months, I was packing up and moving across the country to be with him and we were together until he died. After reading the horror stories of the online dating world, I set up a partial profile, on a whim, before I was ready to date, and during a particularly bad night of missing my Kenneth. Now there's a good strategy for you!  ;)  Basically, I used the free version of eHarmony on a weekend that allowed free communications. In less than 24 hours, I was matched with my New Guy. A few weeks later, we met in person. Now, a year and a half later, we are engaged and planning a wedding.

Essentially, I took every piece of good advice that I was given (twice) and did the exact opposite. The two relationships that came out of going against convention have been the only two successful relationships of my life. Go figure!
« Last Edit: January 14, 2016, 09:55:41 PM by lcoxwell »
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Captains wife

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2016, 09:33:15 AM »
I hear you. Even though my prior dating profile mentioned I was looking for a serious boyfriend, guys just went after me for a fling. I also found Match.com the best of all sites but this also very regional dependent. I found it best to try and meet men as well as new friends through meetup groups or social groups where there are common interests. For example, for me it was sailing (and I joined local yacht club) and also my wine tasting groups. Some of the activities you mentioned may limit the men that cross your path. I know...the whole process is frustrating but it sounds as though you are doing many of the right things and making a concerted effiort. That's great. All the best,

Viva

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2016, 11:44:19 PM »
I did sign up for eHarmony too but it does?t work very well for me.I guess because I am not living in the US and that is impossible to meet anyone in person for coffee. I did sign up for a while before I met my husband though and I think the matches in those days were better.

I have no clue how to meet new guys again honestly. Every time the thoughts of not being able to be with my DH and maybe need to be with someone else just making me start to cry. :'(
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

Needytoo

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2016, 11:55:39 AM »
I could almost have written everything imissdow has written.  I have gone out and have found some great hobbies and have met a few people that I say our my friends.    I am so grateful for the few friends I have but I thought I would have so many more.  Why is it so hard?  I know in the past I was just so filled with anger but that is all gone, so I keep working on myself and just trying to be as positive and fill myself with gratitude. 
Early on I tried online dating and it didn't go well.  I paid for a membership at e-harmoney and match.  Didn't get one person from e-harmoney make contact.  Match was better but still didn't make any really contacts with anyone but deep down I wasn't ready. 
Now I can say I am ready even took a cheap course on how to write my profile.  I am getting more responses now.  But still get those people that just vanish but it doesn't bother me like it did before. 
How was your kick boxing lessons imissdown? 

Bear Shannon

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2016, 01:27:55 PM »
Fishing? Hiking? Monster Truck? Powerlifting? Strongman(woman) comps?

I have quite a few strictly platonic female friends.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2016, 01:30:32 PM by Bear1956 »
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

SunshineFL

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2017, 12:23:14 PM »
I thought I would pick up where we left off on @imissdow's post from this very week last year on such a great topic that seems to weave its way into many other threads, too. 

When I did a quick search here for "meetup groups" to see if there was a heading just for that, a lot of other posts came up. I know @klim is a big proponent of meetups and we've all chatted about them (pros/cons/hesitations/accolades) in different contexts here on the board - but the heading "meeting new people" seemed to fit best.  :)

I'm a new fan of meetup groups for a lot of reasons.  When I realized that new friends were not just going to walk into my house to meet me (LOL - you are laughing, 'cuz you've thought that too, right?!), and when my online dating experiences were just too full of insecure, quick to click, disingenuous players, I realized I really needed to get out more and do fun things that I enjoyed with others outside my "married with kids" circle of friends.

For those that have shared that they feel too shy or introverted to walk into a meetup group solo, I'd encourage you to give it a go.  Pick an activity or a few activities that you like, join in, make time on your calendar and just jump in the deep end and go. If it helps you, message the organizer privately to say it is your first time and you are little apprehensive and you can be sure that they will most likely go out of their way to help you feel welcome and transition to the group that first outing.

I joined a local walking group, a few social "new in town" and "happy hour groups," some art groups and a widowed group.

I suggest you look for a social widow and widowers group in your area (with fun activities to enjoy in a group, like dinners, museums, galleries, sports, sushi bar, happy hour, etc) - and if you don't see one, start one! It is very likely that you aren't the only one looking for that kind of connection on the widowed journey.  Pick a place for your first meet and greet and see who shows up. Even it if is one person - that one person gets to meet you that day - and you get to meet them. ;-)

I am friends with a widower from the former board here who started a meetup in his town that now has over 70+ members with an every Friday evening happy hour that the 20+ regulars really look forward to every week. Nice, right?  And I've read here that a few others have started meetups in their cities, too. (If you have and if you'd like, maybe share the links here if you want to.)

Even though I couldn't find an active local widowed group near me, I found one that had 100+ members an hour away. I figured that for one dinner, I could muster up driving an hour to a nice place, have a nice dinner and meet a group that turned out to be such nice people.

So glad I did.
They have welcomed the idea of hosting some meetups in my town periodically and they are looking forward to getting to explore cool venues that are a short drive away for us all.
I have made 4 new young widowed female friends who are just terrific.
And one widower I met that evening messaged me a few weeks later saying he enjoyed meeting me, didn't think he would be able to get to the next few scheduled meetups with his work schedule, and would welcome getting to talk with me on the phone and meet in person one day, if that was okay with me.  Two weeks later, we are still enjoying our new surprising connection and getting to know each other.

You never know what a day will bring.
Like my good friend @momtokam is so great about reminding me - there you go...you just never know.

Since it is the first of the year, new meetups on so many different topics and areas of interest are forming every day. My inbox always has a new meetup of interest posted most weeks.  I'm even going to go drive an hour away later this month to join an art group to paint in the park lakeside with the emphasis on "big talk" (a movement to engage in deeper conversation with others rather than "small talk" - cool, right?).

I am an introvert, too, and lean toward quiet rather than big events.  So, I hope my sharing helps others here think of other ways to make special connections, meet new friends, and enjoy the precious gift of every day that we get to have with more joy, laughter and good moments.

Friends, how 'bout YOU share your meetup experiences here with others as well - yes, would love that. And if not officially a meetup event, also do share other ways and ideas to get to meet new nice people.

Looking forward to reading others' experiences and suggestions.
Have a great day.
-SunshineFL



SunshineFL

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #11 on: January 11, 2017, 12:39:13 PM »
 ^^^^  ::) @Bear1956  ......Barney, I just noticed your new profile pic - are you starting a new "Topless Tuesdays" widow board policy?  Put your shirt on!!! LOL

imissdow

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2017, 06:41:37 PM »
Sunshine: It was cool  to see a post from a year ago and to think back on where I am now.  My kickboxing class netted me 1 female contact, much younger then me but we can chat. I ended up switching to boxing and met another lady my age, and a couple of guys almost as young as my kids. I'm now in a combat fitness class. However my youngest started karate at the same place, met several parents whom I can chat with and 4 men closer to my age who if nothing else are comfortable enough to chat with.  It's a great group! Had a Christmas party and planning a get together for summer.
I moved in May. I love my new neighborhood and have a few new friends I picked up along the way.  Still haven't found my next great love however I have a second date with a guy I'm finding very easy to talk to and for a change I'm having fun with it.
If you had told me 6 years ago that I would be comfortable meeting a stranger for coffee or dinner and getting to know them I would have thought you were nuts. I do that fairly often now. I meet people all the time some times we share a joke and a smile, doesn't matter if I meet them once or a dozen times.  I have a much larger circle of friends and acquaintances then ever.   

SunshineFL

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2017, 07:13:28 PM »
@imissdow - I'm so, so glad you saw the post and replied with your awesome update (reminding me that I had intended to close that long post with a shout out to you for an update and completely forgot!) ... so very glad you shared and let us know all the good you are up to, as well as the great perspective you have now in meeting new people. How inspiring!
Such resilience.
And one of the best sentences: "I'm having fun with it."
Loved reading all of that.
Thanks.  :D

momtokam

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Re: meeting new people
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2017, 05:31:40 PM »
SunshineFL, You already know how much I'm cheering for you! :-)