Author Topic: ... and the roll stops dead  (Read 6654 times)

twistedmensa

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2015, 09:38:34 PM »
I would give anything to be able to read a book again.  :'( 

You hit the nail on the head...there is no escape.  None of my coping mechanisms are in working order right now.  Books, music, motorcycles...none of my usual escapes hold any appeal.  My humor, which has seen me through a lifetime of PTSD has failed miserably.  My sense of humor has deserted me when I need it most.








Jen

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2015, 12:04:38 PM »

You hit the nail on the head...there is no escape.  None of my coping mechanisms are in working order right now.  Books, music, motorcycles...none of my usual escapes hold any appeal.  My humor, which has seen me through a lifetime of PTSD has failed miserably.  My sense of humor has deserted me when I need it most.

All these self-help gurus exhort us to "be in the moment," but what happens when the moment is utter crap? Sigh. And I used to be *so* good at escaping...

As far as humor-- Radio Hell is my go-to source. That's what made me start laughing again, and the first time it happened I was so shocked I cried. It was morbid, irreverent, sarcastic as-- well, hell-- and just what I needed. Being able to laugh did make a difference... I hope you find that ability again soon. Hugs.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

anniegirl

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2015, 01:31:44 PM »
Don't underestimate the healing properties of "escape". If we lived constantly in the moment of grief, we'd soon fry to a crisp.

Children are good grief models. They grieve like they grow - in spurts.

If old modes of escapism aren't working, it's a good time to find some new ones. Take up a new hobby. Challenge yourself physically.  I don't want to go all self-help and cheery chirpyness but there is probably something out there.

I found distraction to be good and necessary.
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Jen

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2015, 01:53:48 PM »
I agree, it's *not* healthy to stay in an acute grief state all the time. It's just frustrating when my time-tested coping mechanisms are all offline, apparently!

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: this grief journey reminds me a lot of labor. I've gone through labor twice-- the first time in hospital, a big medical production with IVs and wires and monitors, and the second time at home-- a much lower-key affair that was actually enjoyable at times. I remember, though-- with my first labor, I developed a ritual to get through each contraction (a common response among laboring women). I would count-- a slow, measured count to 20. I knew that once I got to 14, I could make it "down" the contraction and start preparing for the next one. Got through 12+ hours that way. So when I was getting ready for my second labor, I thought I had it figured out-- I assumed that ritual would work.

Guess what? It didn't work. I remember feeling so cheated-- damn it, I had this labor thing figured out! But what worked before was absolutely useless the second time around. I had to adapt-- find something else to get me through. And I did (howling like a wolf-- not in pain, just vocalizing), and it went swimmingly well. But I was still pissed, lol.

I don't know... maybe I'll take up racquetball. Or basket weaving. Something...
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 01:56:17 PM by Just Jen »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

anniegirl

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #19 on: March 19, 2015, 02:03:29 PM »
Basket-weaving! :o

Let's not do anything drastic!

You will adapt. Adapt is good. There's a learning curve. That unfortunately shifts with time but nearly everyone figures out what they need to do.

And sometimes, doing nothing at all is all that's required. Stuff comes back online all on its own.
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Jen

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #20 on: March 19, 2015, 05:30:18 PM »
Basket-weaving! :o

Let's not do anything drastic!

 ;D

Right now, in this particular moment, I'm okay. I'm trying to think about what comes next... and that's terrifying. I know, I know-- don't get too far ahead, take it one day at a time... But at some point I have to figure out what to do next, if I want something different than what I currently have. I have to think about the future if I want one, you know? This is a genuine question: how do you go about doing that?

I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I'm okay where I am-- I'm employed, I'm stable. But I don't love it, and I know it's not what I want the rest of my life to look like. How do I start forming a picture, then making it happen? I'm serious-- I'll take any suggestions anyone has. I just know that I don't want to be the widowed mum of three who lives with her mother for the remainder of my days! I don't even want to be a nurse for the rest of my working life. I want-- something. Just have to figure out what that is...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Mangomom

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #21 on: March 19, 2015, 05:49:05 PM »
 I know it's not what I want the rest of my life to look like. How do I start forming a picture, then making it happen? I'm serious-- I'll take any suggestions anyone has. I just know that I don't want to be the widowed mum of three who lives with her mother for the remainder of my days! I don't even want to be a nurse for the rest of my working life. I want-- something. Just have to figure out what that is...


Just this afternoon I had this conversation with my therapist and I am 2-? years out.  Let me know what you come up with.  We can compare notes in NY... :-/

anniegirl

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2015, 10:24:48 PM »
Quote
But at some point I have to figure out what to do next, if I want something different than what I currently have. I have to think about the future if I want one, you know? This is a genuine question: how do you go about doing that?

How? You already are.

Do you know how many people go through their whole adult life and never ask themselves, "what do I want?" or "where am I going?" or "this can't be it, right?"

What can you do with your nursing background/education that's not nursing? Probably more than you think.

But when in doubt, seek someone out and ask. Book an appointment at the guidance department of your nearest college or trade school or start smaller by looking at their course offerings to get ideas. And where do you work? Hospital? Clinic? Ask management what opportunities there might be for other assignments, moving up the ladder (yeah, you want out but maybe up or over or related will do in the meantime).

Lots of us question after being widowed. What's it all about? Is there more? Where? When?

You will figure this out because you've opened Pandora's Box by stating your discontent. It's out there and won't be ignored.




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Ursula

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2015, 01:07:11 AM »
Jen, hope you are feeling better in the meantime (((Jen))).
Yep, fiction ued to take me into another sphere, but can't read, could not all this year. I am reading a lot of psychological stuff. Can't deal with love and death in writing, find it hard enough when it appears in movies etc. Have been on an extremely low burning flame for the last couple of weeks too. Just don't even get the energy to do much besides watching movies in the evenings/night when baby boy is sleeping. And I have crying fits all the time and moments of real desperation. And yes, this endlessness, this limitless pain without hope of termination is debilitating and an emptiness that fills my heart , or the part of my heart that is his. Why do our hearts have to break thus, and keep breaking??
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

Jen

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #24 on: April 29, 2015, 05:51:00 PM »
I don't want to start a new thread in this section, since I've ostensibly "moved past" it, so forgive me piggybacking onto an old one... honestly, if I had one in the 0-6 board, I'd post there. I feel like I'm back at square one-- any progress I'd made is gone, wiped away. My heart hurts. I don't want to do this anymore. Other than my kids, I have exactly three things to live for right now. One will be done in 3 weeks; one comes at the end of June; the last comes in late July. After that-- nothing. Nothing. And right now I truly believe that nothing is all I will ever have.

I can't do it. I'm sorry. I thought I had some hope of getting out of hell, but it's gone. Every day lasts at least 80 hours. I've tried everything I know, but nothing works. I've had a few brief respites, but mostly there's just pervasive sadness and a vast sucking emptiness that I can't fight anymore. I'm just done.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Jess

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #25 on: April 29, 2015, 06:12:27 PM »
You know, yesterday I said to someone "I am so SICK of being a widow." I am sick of hurting. I am sick of having to figure out things by myself. I am sick of taking out the trash. I am sick of being the only one to clean up after the dogs. I am just sick of it.

Here's what I think. What you are feeling is normal for this crapfest for your specific journey. We all deal with this differently and while I wish with everything I have in this moment you had an easier path, this is the path you have. I also think those moments you had where there was even a small glimmer of light, no matter how fleeting, is proof the light IS THERE. I have no idea how to make it better for you so I have no suggestions or advice... but what I do know is it is there. I am sure of it. Don't give up looking for it.

Hugest internet (((hugs))) I've got! And remember, we are all real people behind these screens and I consider you a real friend. :)
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

linda5

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #26 on: April 29, 2015, 10:09:52 PM »
Just Jen, I felt the same way with my life.  3 years ago, if somebody would have told me what my future would hold in just 3 short years ... my beloved husband would die suddenly, my youngest will get married and move to the East Coast, my oldest will have our first grandbaby and then take that precious light of my life and then move her family to Phoenix, and my middle daughter will move out of my house and into one with her fiance, I would have rolled over and died on the spot.  I went from being a happy family of 5 to now just me!  I HATE IT!  My biggest fear in life was living alone, and somehow that is the life I'm living.  (Ironic, isn't it?) 

I don't like it, don't understand it ... but it's the hand I've been dealt.  Oh, I kick and scream and carry on to God about how unfair this is.  I keep thinking my reward is heaven is going to be GREAT!

Just want you to know that I understand how you're feeling.  We've got to just keep trudging along ... what is that saying ... Fake it until you make it.

Sending you positive thoughts and hugs!

SoVerySad

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2015, 08:56:02 AM »
Jen, I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. It feels so unfair to feel like we've made some progress only to be pulled back again and again. It is so exhausting to feel sad and empty for so long. I agree with, Jess. I am so tired of all of this.

Is it any help to remember that when you felt this way before, you didn't think you had anything to look forward to, but now you have a few things at least. Hopefully as you pass those events, more things to look forward to will keep emerging just as these things have for you. I do understand that hope is hard to hold onto when you can't envision things getting any better. I'm still hoping they will for all of us.

Sending you tight, tight hugs, and love...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jen

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #28 on: April 30, 2015, 10:49:43 PM »
I feel so empty now, like there's nothing left of me... I'm just a ghost, haunting what's left of my life. It hurts too much to think of the past, and I have no discernible future-- there's just the here and now, and it's a virtual wasteland. I guess that's not entirely true... there are a few things, a few people. I suppose there's an infinitesimal chance there *might* be something else out there... all I can do is hang on, white-knuckled and desperate, until something shifts. But what if it never does? How long can a person last like this?

Thank you for listening to me. I'm truly grateful that you're here. I wish I had more to offer right now... :(
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

tableforone

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Re: ... and the roll stops dead
« Reply #29 on: May 08, 2015, 03:06:31 PM »
I read that you set the goal of one year. The week after my husband died suddenly, I wrote in my journal that I would give myself two years. After the first year, I really looked around expecting some sort of prize...a new toaster, or really that he would magically reappear.

So glad to hear that you are looking forward to and enjoying bagos. Nothing like the company, hugs, laughter and understanding of people who understand.

Thinking of you!!