Author Topic: Going through old posts...from 4 years ago...a letter to my first love:  (Read 2476 times)


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Dear Barry,

Hi, my love. I have been wanting to talk to you so badly. I just can?t seem to find you here in Kansas. You are not here. I left you back in Connecticut, buried in a nice little spot in the cemetery close to the road so your parents could visit you more easily. The last time I was there, snow had been falling by the foot and the plow guy had managed to pile about 8 feet of snow on your grave. So much for the spot I picked for us on the corner near the road.

I have so much to tell you. When I was last on the east coast, I told you and our families about my new life and my plans to marry a beautiful man who is known in the world of the widowed as Polarbear. Well, my love, our time has arrived and Saturday, we will go to Hawaii and one week from today, we will profess our love to each other in nature?s sanctuary. We chose a beautiful setting of warmth and fresh air and the ocean and volcanoes and simplicity. The island is a great symbol of the things we have come to appreciate together on this journey which started with the loss of two beautiful people.

I have learned so much in the time since my heart was broken by death. I have known deep sorrow?.sadness that stripped me down to my core in anguish. I have known emptiness and hollowness and despair so deep that I have contemplated leaving this life behind. Somehow, in allowing myself to be broken, I have also found the desire to live on in fullness again. You and I had a most special bond, my love, unlike any I have ever seen. We always knew we would some day be torn apart. We clung to each other as if doing so would perhaps keep the monster of death from coming between us. I tried, my love, as best I could, to keep you here with me. In the end, the monster of death was stronger than you and me together.

I am left here on this earth without you. I feel sadness and sometimes even anguish over having you ripped from me. But some part of you lives on in my soul. I feel you urging me to live. I thank you for that. Love has found me again, Barry. John is a beautiful man, broken in ways similar to my brokenness. He loves me in profound ways. He holds me and comforts me in the times when I mourn for you. He brings me joy and tenderness and fun and adventure and security and so many other things. I love him, Barry, and I will marry him and live on in love, remembering you and our love as well.

Thank you, my love, for all that you have given to me. I love you??.and I always will.


My happy ending lasted less than 3 more years.   :'(

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Huge hugs Maureen. Sending support and love.
Gone but not Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!


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What a beautiful love letter, honoring both of your loves. 
You will forever be my always.


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Sweet Maureen.  I hold you always in my heart.  Here is my tribute at one year:

"Dear Scott, I remember the third time I met you and we were lying on my living room floor looking at old photos from my travels and art books. We had so much in common. The next day I wrote to Sarah and Pauline and told them I "was in big trouble" with you. I liked you from the moment I met you. Thank you for coming back to me and limping through a New Year's Eve in Brooklyn because you just wanted to be with me (turkey legs and all). Thank you for the Grand Canyon, Los Angeles and Alicia's wedding. Thank you for 12th street and our pre-wedding, totally perfect Honeymoon in Croatia. Thank you for Marina, she is so beautiful and just like you, and the shot gun wedding. Thank you for your patience through 3 Balkan summers; I know it was not easy. Thank you for loving me through the drunken Edith Piaf and Brandi renditions in the car, without ever making fun of me. Thank you for helping me finish my PhD, coming to my defense, helping me get tenure. Thank you for getting your certification and becoming one of the most beloved teachers in this town. Thank you for the sculptures you made and left for us as a reminder of you. Thank you for being a partner that I can only remember arguing with one time - the time I stormed out of the house, drove the car two blocks away, called Sarah to unload but then watched a squirrel pick up a tiny American flag, take it across the street, carry it up to his nest and by then I'd forgotten why I was mad and had to race home to tell you what I'd seen. Thank you for wtaching movies you hated just because I picked them. Thank you for embracing craigslist, thrift stores and garage sales and my need for everything we own to be second hand - you know it was hilarious sometimes, the stuff we found. Thank you for putting up with my mother and football and the general Z craziness. Thank you for understanding my imperfections during your illness and death and for being strong always no matter how crappy you were feeling. And Rome! So grateful we went to Rome together. Mostly, thank you for the laughter. We laughed so much! None of this I ever could have done without you. Thank you for being the best Daddy this world has ever known right up until the day you were no longer able to see or walk. What a 10 years we had. It was too short but I will do both for M and for me what you long ago asked us to do. We move on day by day. You would be proud of us. I am who I am because of you. Thank you. And, as we say each night, rest well sweet love; you will always be part of us. You're the best friend I've ever had. I'll carry that and your wish for me to move on for the rest of my life.

Voila. I've said it now. I can go to bed and go to work tomorrow like someone who isn't waiting for the weight of the world to crush them. What's the difference between today, Saturday or Monday anyway?"

I will never forget him but I have learned that life does go on.  We move forward with our memories held close.  At two years, I had no need to say a word but I still ache.  I think we all always will to some degree.  All my love to everyone.


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Love these letters, thank you for sharing.  So poignant and indicative of the love you clearly bore for them.


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Oh Maureen, this is so powerful I cant even fathom. Sending hugs and love.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡


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Maureen, so poignant was your letter. I am so sorry that you mourn not one, but two husbands...unfathomable that anyone should have to do that. Thank you for sharing this letter with us.

Tight hugs to you!

Though lovers be lost, love shall not, and death shall have no dominion--Dylan Thomas


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Your words are beautiful, my friend. You have such an amazing capacity to love. I'm so sad for you now, knowing how much happiness you found with John. I also know you are destined to love again, in your own time. There is so much goodness and life within you. It needs to be shared. The hope, support and friendship that you give to others -- I wish all of that--and more--for you.

I still think of you, Mick...every SINGLE day!


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{{{HUGS}}} Couldn't have said it better than Donna.
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.


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so very beautiful ... both of them. I haven't sat down to do that. I think I should.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter


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  • Jamie, 35, Dec 2, 2014, Unknown Cause
Re: Going through old posts...from 4 years ago...a letter to my first love:
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2015, 11:50:16 AM »
That is such a beautiful letter, Maureen.  Thank you for sharing it with us.
?Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac??
C.S. Lewis

?Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.?
C.S. Lewis