Author Topic: so when does it get better...  (Read 2664 times)

paulhaltom

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so when does it get better...
« on: February 04, 2016, 05:43:08 AM »
its been 8 months....8 months - I got sober - ,which in some ways I regret , because now I just feel it all the time, I didnt want to come to this group until I had something positive to contribute, but its not getting better, and the darkness is starting to scare me...the kids have abandoned me completely ....." murderer, you killed our fatther...why didn't you tell us" - these are the postings i just  had removed from my face book page, we were married for 15 years ...I adopted two of them, thhey saw their father go from a virulent strong man - to a 93 1lb blind quad that couldnt breath or swallow on his own - they all saw iut - so why am I the murderer now they wont return my calls, give me my DOG, my fucking6 year old Dachshund, they won let me have him after I let them take them during the very end , it was to hard for me to have an animal that needed walking when your soulmate could die at any second - and they wone let me see my grand son , I promised my Husband i would help with the child - but If I am not around how can I- , I already lost him. I moved - I left Austin, I moved to Lawrence KS - I came here to go to nursing school - but was excepted in their art textiles program - so I am going back to study printmaking and textile art - but nothing is better, the pain is so fresh and raw all the time i forget he had been gone for as long as he has been . I miss him more each day m- I am still starving myself and resisting taking meds, i guess in a subconscious hope that the universe just takes me too - I don't care any more - I wouldn't try again - but I cant take the screaming silence anymore - I still here the machines - see him  in the corners and wake up EVERY Morning thinking I hear him,I dont think I can take this much longer- I should be better - i am strong - I walked with him for 4 years while his body disintegrated and when I get came time - i did it - I turned off the machines, I am strong - i was able to kill the only thing that ever loved me (for 16 years) but I dont feel like I am strong enough to get through this anymore - If anyone has any advice that would help, I would REALLY appreciate it - its getting dark again...and to all of you going through this too - God be with all of you...

SoVerySad

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2016, 06:59:31 AM »
First. let me offer you a tight hug. Please also don't feel as if you can only post here if you have something positive to post. We are here to support you. That support includes pats on the back when you've made accomplishments, but also reaching out a hand to help pull you through those really dark patches so many of us know well. Also, if people only feel they can post positive things, it makes everyone else who is really struggling feel like there is something wrong with them.

Next month will be three years since my husband died. I can tell you that the timeframe you are in now was one of the most painful times I've been through. The reality of the finality of the situation and what it meant for me really set in. I missed him more every day, because it had been a day longer since I had last seen him.

Shame on your children for lashing out at you in their grief. It must feel impossible for you not to take it very personally after you cared for him so well right up until the end where you put his needs before your own wants and suffering. You are strong for being able to do so and you clearly loved him very deeply. They may feel the need to blame someone, but I am so sorry they've chosen to focus their anger at you. Just keep reminding yourself you made a loving and selfless choice.

I'm so sorry about the dog as well, because my cats have been a great source of comfort to me. Would you be able to handle two dogs? If you thought you might be able to, perhaps you might consider getting another dog who needs you in the same way you need him/her. Hopefully the kids will come to their senses with additional time and allow you to have the dog back, but the companionship of a pet now might help things feel less dark.

One other piece of advice is to stop telling yourself you should be better by now. We feel how we feel. We can't compare ourselves to others as just as each of our lives are unique, so too will be our way through our losses. You've experienced a lot of additional losses since your husband died as well (dog, relationship with kids, access to grandchild, moving). That is really a lot of heartache added onto your grief.

I wish I could be of more help to you. I know those times when you just don't feel like you can stand another minute of the pain and sadness are excruciating and scary. Come lean on us when you need to. It gives us the opportunity to pay it forward from those who have helped us get through the really rough spots.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Wheelerswife

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2016, 07:28:56 AM »
" murderer, you killed our fatther...why didn't you tell us" 

thhey saw their father go from a virulent strong man - to a 93 1lb blind quad that couldnt breath or swallow on his own - they all saw iut - so why am I the murderer now

the pain is so fresh and raw all the time i forget he had been gone for as long as he has been . I miss him more each day

i guess in a subconscious hope that the universe just takes me too - I don't care any more   

I still here the machines - I walked with him for 4 years while his body disintegrated and when I get came time - i did it - I turned off the machines, I am strong - i was able to kill the only thing that ever loved me (for 16 years) but I dont feel like I am strong enough to get through this anymore -

Hi, paulhaltom,

I can relate to much of what you are saying in your post.  I don't know what degenerative disease process your husband had, but my first husband had a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy.  It affects the same nerve cell as ALS.  For him, it took his toll over 53 years instead of 4 or 5 years.  He lived his life with severe weakness, always in a wheelchair, losing function one straw at a time.  In the end, he also needed a ventilator (non-invasive - he didn't ever want a trach) at night and he had suffered through hospitalizations, intubation, pure hell.

His family watched as he declined as well.  His mother was the one, in the end, who blamed me for my husband's decision not to be intubated in the end - so that she could have him longer.  I was also the one who removed his ventilator.  I knew at the time that he was dying.  He was tired of the mask on his face, and I wanted him to die with as little discomfort as possible.  I slept next to a ventilator and all of the accompanying sounds for quite awhile, and the silence when it was all over was deafening.  I get it.  I also posted once, on the board that was a precursor to this board, that it would be okay if I just fell asleep on my side of our plot at the cemetery and died.  All they would have to do was dig a hole and roll me in.  You aren't alone in your feelings that it would be okay to die.  There is a difference between that and wanting to end your own life.  If you ever feel that you can't keep living, please ask for help.  All of us who are here have made it through this awful pain, and I've done it twice.  It does get softer, more tolerable.  Maybe not at 8 months for you, yet, but it does get more bearable.  My life even got really good again, and I'm hoping I will get to that place again.  Soon!

When you love someone as deeply as you loved your husband...and when you take care of them with every bit of energy that you have...and you strive to make them comfortable in a condition where nothing is comfortable, your world is suddenly devoid of meaning when they die.  What else is there?  Other things don't matter as much, do they?  But days keep passing by.  What got me through the first months after both of my husbands died was just putting one foot in front of the other.  I motored through my job after my first husband died, and through school after my second husband died.  I'm still motoring through school now...and it has been two years since John died.  Fortunately, I can distract myself with my work with students some of the time, although I attend and work in the university where my second husband taught.

Please don't wait until you have something positive to post.  Take advantage of the people here who care and use this place to put words on all of the feelings you have.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Jess

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2016, 07:39:19 AM »
First. let me offer you a tight hug. Please also don't feel as if you can only post here if you have something positive to post. We are here to support you. That support includes pats on the back when you've made accomplishments, but also reaching out a hand to help pull you through those really dark patches so many of us know well. Also, if people only feel they can post positive things, it makes everyone else who is really struggling feel like there is something wrong with them.

This! Widowhood is hard.. so hard and a major reason this community exists is to share the dark, awful stuff you can'talk say elsewhere. We are here for you. We don'the need the guise of "everything is so much better now" to want to be here for you. We have all been there, many of us are still there and some of get there on occassion. I have said so many things to this group of people I could never say to people in my every day life because they would be terrified of my thoughts. To me, it is positive to share, no matter what you are sharing. So please toss out the idea of positive posting vs posts that show the pain. All is welcome here and more than that, we need those posts!

I am sorry things have been so rough. I wish I could make it better for you. Sharing here is a positive step. I am wishing you peace and comfort. For me, when it really hit, I was in your time frame and spent some catatonic days, and that was without everything else you have had to deal with, which frankly is so much I am baffled anyone could treat you that way. How completely awful.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

donswife

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2016, 07:47:29 AM »
sometimes the best time to post is when you are in the darkest of days and thoughts
we all know those times
I am sorry for all that you are going through and I wanted you to know we are here for you
take care
My everything

Justin

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2016, 02:58:47 PM »
Paul, hang in there man. I think that some of what is going on could be delayed grieving; that using numbed you somewhat from the pain and now that you are sober, it is hitting you full-force. What you are feeling is terrible, and it hurts, but it is not going to kill you and it will get better. As others have written, there is no timeline - you will feel better when you feel better. Don't pressure yourself to arrive in a place before you are ready. And you are right - you are strong!

You have to think about yourself and what you have to live for, and it sounds like you already have started by following your heart in the art textiles program. Think about the things you want to live for - even those dreams not realized yet. Work to make them happen. Those same drugs that numb the pain, will numb the passion. Do your best to stay busy and do the work, even when you don't want to. Work a little closer to your goals each day.

I had been drinking more than I should for quite a while, and it became worse after my first wife died. I leaned on my crutch HARD, and kept my secret from most people. A few months ago, I abstained for 60 days to hit my reset button. I was scared to be without alcohol, but one thing that really helped was I immediately entered into an art project with my fiancee (now wife). I didn't produce any masterpieces, but it kept my mind and time occupied. We committed to posting a daily joint work on Facebook, so I had to crank out a contribution each day that wouldn't embarrass me (or her). Folks even commented on how much they enjoyed the postings, and that made it even more worthwhile. I am in no way trying to equate my struggle with yours, just sharing something that helped me.

I am so sorry that you have been betrayed by those so close to you. As SVS wrote, it sounds like they are hurting, and just trying to someone to blame. Since you were closest to your husband, you have unfortunately become the target of their ill-placed accusations.

There are times that I still miss that sweet oblivion of totally checking out, and I have to remind myself of the cycle of missing memories from the night before that then fueled my anxiety even further. Keep on being strong.
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Amor

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2016, 04:05:19 PM »
If possible forgive yourself.  Be patient with your self and family.  It is not ok what they are doing at the moment.  Remember people grive in different ways and hopefully soon they will understand what they are doing.  Be there and open when they are ready. 
Grief takes many forms and hurts all around.  Do not rush yourself, you have lost so much. 
Amor

MamaZ

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2016, 02:09:27 PM »
Eight months, some day looking back, will be the early days. In MY grief, I hung a ton of hope on society's "end of year 1" time point, only to find out that a non-grieving society has NO clue... I actually found year 2 harder in many ways as most expected me to be ok. I spent year 1 in a blur, tying up loose ends and getting my kids through. Year two was MY year. I wonder if I had put some grief off by keeping so busy. Eventually, I started to recognize grief waves and that they were beginning to space further and further apart. So, It DOES get better eventually, though at times, surviving might feel like a penance. Reach out as often as you can, and focus on what helps YOU.

Mizpah

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2016, 08:34:15 AM »
First, F positivity.  If, in the circumstances you're going through, you were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, you'd be insane.  That being said, maybe going to therapy can help you slog through this horrid darkness.  You need all the support you can get.  Therapy helped me so much.  It helped me process things, it gave me that haven where I could be hopeless, so I could put my armor back on at the end of a session to face the world.  I don't know what I'd have done without it.  Write here as much as you want/need, and don't worry about being positive.  All of us know the darkness, and are not "fair weather friends." 

Edited to add: when you feel better is different for everyone.  For me, it was at about two years.  That's not to say that there aren't still hard moments, and it's also not to say that there weren't good moments before then.  But that's when I could really take note: "Wow, I kinda feel alive again.  I didn't think I'd ever have feelings again.  I feel a little bit like myself again."
« Last Edit: April 25, 2016, 10:45:54 AM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Jen

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2016, 10:36:01 AM »
First, F positivity. 

THANK YOU.

At two years out, I still need to hear this. ((((HUGS))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Portside

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2016, 01:23:02 PM »
First, F positivity.

I'm sorry, I must respectfully disagree. To reject a positive bearing, even when one has great cause to be low, darn near guarantees a lack of positive interactions from all other aspects of one's life. Which then only continues to feed into the cycle of negativity and poor results from others, organizations and the like.

I suggest all, to the best of their ability, should try to put forth a positive front - no matter how you feel behind the mask. A bathtub can be emptied one thimble at a time if the faucet is turned off. If the water keeps flowing in, well, I think you see where I am driving.

Good luck and best wishes - Mike

The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Mizpah

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Re: so when does it get better...
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2016, 02:13:21 PM »
^ See?  It's different for each person.  I adopted a "genuine at all costs" approach, while my boyfriend (a widower) and perhaps Portside opted for the "fake it til you make it" outlook. 

Edited to add: I certainly didn't mean be a jerk to everyone you encounter.  And I didn't get back negativity from people - I got an amazing promotion at work, maintained great friendships, forged ahead with love with DH's very difficult family, etc.  I simply meant that I didn't put pressure on myself to feel other than how I felt.  The pressure to be positive can be self-defeating when you simply cannot feel ok.  But I don't mean to argue with Portside - I can certainly see the merits in his outlook. 
« Last Edit: April 25, 2016, 03:07:03 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)