Author Topic: Where to go what to do?  (Read 2529 times)

Amor

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Where to go what to do?
« on: February 09, 2016, 03:30:01 PM »
Hi All,
I have traveled a lot in the last 18 months.  Trying to find somethings, running away or just trying to work out grief I am not sure but it helps to just get in the car and drive for some reason.  Now I am home cars here are not currently working (my husbands job was to keep them running). 
What place was best for you to stay where you loved and lived or move?  If you moved how did you choose to move there? 
I came back home hoping with every piece of my soul my Love would be home waiting for me with open arms.  Even just a piece of him here would be something I could hold onto.  Other than his things there is no piece of him here.  What I want more than anything in the world is gone and no way to get it back.  Where do I go from here?  How do I pick myself up from the boot straps and continue when my world is shattered? 

 ?I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.?


― Douglas Adams

So where do I need to be?  Where can I be a benefit to others and able to actually live?

Amor

donswife

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2016, 03:59:37 PM »
Amor-  I have been feeling this way also
couldn't figure out why i have felt so out of sorts recently and what you wrote made it crystal clear 
I tend to get outta town when I know things are going to be especially tough on me
I think its a way of being away from our home and like you said, where he isn't there waiting for me
when you find the answers please let me know :)
take care
My everything

lcoxwell

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2016, 11:24:34 PM »
In all honesty, my decision on where to go and what to do came far more easily than I originally thought that it would. When I first met Kenneth, I packed up my things and my children and I moved across the country, leaving all my friends and family behind. I gave up pretty much everything to be with him.

The problem is, my whole world was tied to him. Once he was gone, my whole world was empty, and I felt that I had nothing left that was worth living for, anymore. My life felt was completely falling apart. I knew if I stayed in that house and in that town that I had moved into, just to be with him, I would never be able to put my life back together again.

My choices were to return to my home town back in NC or to find somewhere new to start over.

If I returned to NC, my family would welcome me with open arms; BUT, I would have to take a significant cut in pay and would potentially struggle financially. A move to NC would have also opened up a whole can of worms with two previous exes that were still interested in me, but who also were involved in serious relationships of their own, and who needs those kinds of complications in their lives? I certainly didn't.

Soon after Kenneth died, before I even had the chance to really start thinking about where I wanted to go, or what I wanted to do, I met New Guy. There was just something special about him, right from the start; and I just KNEW that I wanted to be closer to him. This time, I didn't have people to give up. I had already done that. That made the idea of completely starting over again much, much easier for me. Once I made the decision about where to go, I started looking into what to do, and a teaching job fell right in my lap, which only reinforced the fact that I had made the right decision.

I am so happy that I started over, and I am so happy that I chose to move here. I love where I am and what I do. Since I have made the move, I have felt more at peace than I have felt in a very, very long time.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Mizpah

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2016, 12:09:26 PM »
I lived in NYC for over a decade.  There came a point a couple years after DH died where I started to crave a huge change.  My friends were having kids and leaving the City - I was the only one left in Manhattan.  I said to a friend at some point casually over lunch: "I wish I was married to some guy who had to move somewhere random for work, someplace I'd never want to go, like South Dakota or something, something I have no choice in and just have to make the best of it and have our little life."  OMG that "be careful what you wish for" thing was never truer.  I didn't really mean I wanted to move to South Dakota!  I should've said Corfu or Moorea or something!  I started thinking about moving to Israel.  But I shortly thereafter met a man who doesn't have geographic flexibility for various reasons, and we got serious and now we're raising our daughter together out in the country near where I grew up (not in South Dakota).  I'm not one of those people who believes that if you throw your wishes into the universe, they come true, but it's kinda crazy how I got what I wished for - and it's been HARD.  Not sure what the lesson is here, if any, but that's what happened. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Amor

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2016, 07:44:12 PM »
I got my car here fixed today.  So I can drive at least.  Freedom to drive is so nice to have. 
I wish I knew the best way for me to live with this new me.  I do not like it.  I wish my Love was here.  This house and place we loved together having almost everything.  Now I do not know why it hurts so much to be here alone.  Just wishing to be together.  I am not sure if the place will change this feeling of hurt without my love. 
I am very glad some people have gotten the opportunity to have a new love in your life to make a new life with someone who will love you for the true you.  Maybe one day I can find that or be at peace without it. 
I hate this journey.  I wish I still had my love here. 
Thank you all for your input.  It is nice to know what works best for others who have been in my shoes.
Amor

Wheelerswife

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2016, 09:46:27 PM »
Amor,

I think I could have written a lot of your post.  I moved a year after my first husband died.  The home we shared for 18 years was more about him than me.  It was where his family lived, and in a suburb, which is not my favorite kind of place to live.  My family all lived hours away.  When I met my second husband, John, I was completely open to change. I moved halfway across the country and started a new life, really.  When my second husband died just 3 years after I moved, I was left to try to figure out what came next.  Other than finishing school, I haven't been able to make decisions about staying where I am or moving. 

We loved our little house.  We wanted to live here into retirement.  But he isn't here, and it definitely doesn't feel the same.  I am also a traveler.  I call travel my drug of choice.  The good part about travel is that I can escape some of my reality through the newness and adventure and the contacts I make with friends and family.  The hard part about travel is that I again return home to my empty house and his absence is so unbelievably palpable and it brings me to another low place.  This is really obvious after I have been away for a long time.

So...where do I go from here?  I don't know.  And I hate not knowing.  Do I stay?  Do I move?  Where would I go?  I can't decide.  Next December, I graduate with a new degree and I'll be ready to embark on a new career.  But where do I go??  I hope the answers fall together.  I'm tired of stressing over it.

I am so repetitive!

Hugs,

Maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Amor

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2016, 02:55:21 PM »
Wheelerswife:
Yes I guess travel is my drug of choice too.  It does help for the time you are traveling. 
Our home here was our paradise we had almost everything we wanted.  But without him it hurts.  I love the smell walking in the door and hope that he is there waiting for me.  I know there is no part of him here anymore and that makes it hurt even more.  This is the world we wanted all shattered in a moment.  Gone and can not be regained no matter what I do.  When I say where do I go, what should I do that answer is without my Love.  Which makes this decision so much harder. 
Amor

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2016, 08:26:13 PM »
Awe Amor, I too could have written your post. DH and I built this home together in 2001.  It's on the lake and beautiful. I have finally found peace with my decision to move.  There's a difference between peace with and happy about this decision. I wish people would listen to my words. So many think I'm happy about it. Nope, not happy about any of this I just know it's best for me to do it.  Widowhood sure sucks doesn't it.
Hugs to you.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2016, 10:16:57 PM by BrokenHeart2 »
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Trying

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2016, 09:13:30 PM »
Moving far away would not have been good for my kids, especially my youngest who is only in 6th grade, otherwise I might have been tempted to pick up and go.  Instead I moved across town, 20 minutes away to the most remote part of town with a lake across the street.  My youngest didn't have to change schools, still plays sports with all of his friends but it feels like a big move in a lot of ways.  DH and I built the house we lived in, picked out the design and every last inch of the house together.  The house was too big and costly for me to manage and there was a lot of pressure on my older boys to try to keep things up to Dad's standards.  All 3 boys were on board with the move, we have a boat we used to keep on another lake and the marina was a big expense and inconvenient.  Now we can have the boat across the street for nothing and it's way more convenient.  Now I feel like we aren't being haunted by the absence of DH in our old house or on our old lake and we can make fresh memories.  It doesn't change the absence in our lives or in our hearts but some how the change of physical space did help us.  I'm sure that's not the case for everyone and I'm not sure how I instinctively knew it would be right for us but I've never made such a major decision so quickly in my life.  Everyone seemed shocked except for my kids. 

I also think that CHOOSING to move is empowering.  Some people, unfortunately are forced to move for financial or other reasons and that is a completely different situation that must be incredibly difficult.
You will forever be my always.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2016, 10:20:23 PM »
Thank you T. So well stated. I get what you are saying. I'm so glad you and your family found what's right for you all. I hope I can find that too!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Amor

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2016, 04:55:26 PM »
Brokenhearted I am hoping for peace.  My job is per diem now and I am not getting the hours I need to be able to live the lifestyle I am used to.  I applied for a stable job and waiting to hear their offer.  This means leaving my paradise my love and I had. Leaving so much of what was but will never be again. This hurts so much.
Amor

Amor

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2016, 03:37:19 PM »
Hi all,
I have decided to change many things to see if I can live life.  I am moving, got job. Rental place, ect.  Something I decided to try to stick with for at least a year. I love to travel and I am not sure if this job will let me do that as often.  But it will give me something stable which I have not had for awhile now. 
Really bad part now is that I will have go through our things. I would be fine leaving everything the same way my love left it and staying there forever but I know I could not truly live life there right now. What a very painful truth. I need to be able to stand on my own.  I hope with this move I can do that.
Wishing everyone peace and comfort knowing the best path of healing.
Amor

lcoxwell

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2016, 09:48:23 PM »
I found I was in very much the same position last Summer. I could have very easily stayed in the home I had lived in with Kenneth and left everything just where he had always had it. The problem was, I wasn't really living. Staying there would have kept me stuck in my grief, and I would not have been able to move forward.

I made the decision to move, and it was the right decision, for me. Yes, it forced me to go through things and to give up things, that I hadn't wanted to even touch. It was a painful process, for certain. In the end, though, there was a certain amount of healing that came with letting go and moving forward, and it allowed me to do some of the hard work of grieving that I would not have done, otherwise.

I hope your move will be just as positive for you, as mine has been for me. Many hugs, and much love to you, dear one.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Amor

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2016, 05:23:44 PM »
Lcoxwell,
Thank u so much for the encouragement lately. This this post and so many of your other posts. I know you are going through alot right now but are still taking time out to help others. Thank you for this!
I am very much hoping to be able to live my life for so long all i want to do is have my love walk through the door. I know that willnot happen but wish for that so much! I am glad your moved help you to do that.
Amor

linda5

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Re: Where to go what to do?
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2016, 07:58:07 PM »
I'm also thinking about moving.  My kids moved out and my house is too big for one person.  But, I'm also not ready to go though every single item.  So, I guess I'll stay put for at least the next 2 years and then decide if I want to downsize.  It seems that everything is a big decision when you're on your own. 

Congrats on the job Armor!