Specific Situations > Suicide/Addiction/Mental Illness/Abuse

My ex boyfriend has gone

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18 months ago, I met a man who was perfect in every single way but had a fatal flaw, he was an addict. He stopped using to win me over but replapsed fairly quickly.

Despite my obvious determination to end the relationship, he worked hard to get me back, he got a job and started going to counselling, after a while, we got back together as I really thought he was trying. We were happy for another few months, he would do anything for me and I really thought that I'd fell on my feet. But, I suspected he was using again, he denied it and convinced me that he'd stand by me to work with my trust issues, so I immediately got help. There were further clues to him using and finally in July, I decided to trust my gut, I didn't need him to admit it, I knew in my heart that he was and he was also lying about it. I ended the relationship there, ignored all calls and went to visit a friend in another country to get away from it all. Whilst I was over there, his parents were ringing me asking me to give him a bit of hope as he couldn't live without me. I refused to give in and ignored over 40 calls and messages from him also.

When I returned from my friends, his parents begged me to ring him or go round as he said he was going to kill himself. I again said no but then decided I couldn't live with his death on my concious, so I went to his house and he had attempted suicide, an image that I will never forget. We resuscitated him until the ambulance came, he lived and I was so distraught and vulnerable at that time, I didn't have the strength to walk away. I then found out I was pregnant before I'd ended the relationship and somehow it seemed like we'd all been given a second chance. Sadly I miscarried which was devestating. We stayed together a while longer but guess what, I suspected that he was using again. He was getting diagnosed left right and centre for aspergers, bipolar, depression etc, but in all honesty if he had given up the drugs, I'm sure many of his issues would have got better. I struggled to deal with finding him when he tried to kill himself, was put on anti depressants and signed off work.

Our relationship was turbulent to say the least, I didn't want to be in it but he placed me at the centre of his world and often threatened to kill himself should I leave him, which I was only too ready to believe with that image haunting me. Several incidents happened, he tried to break into my house, threatened to kill himself when I asked him to leave so I contacted the police who charged him with harassment, he broke his bail conditions (not to contact me by any means) and with a heavy heart, in October, I rang the police again and they bailed him again with the same conditions (not to contact me) but told him in no uncertain terms that he'd go straight to prison if he broke them again. I was still receiving counselling at this point and I was working towards understanding how he was manipulating me and I was growing stronger every day. Sadly, he broke them and no matter what I thought was right or wrong, I could not bring myself to tell the police as I knew he'd go to jail. The calls got worse, he rang me over and over the desperation in his voice was heartbreaking, I knew we couldn't be together but I couldn't help being there for him. He stopped for a while in December and I started to feel better and returned to work. He started posting on Facebook pictures of his slashed arms and saying he was going to kill himself, every time he did this, rather than contacting him to see if he was okay, I rang the police and they would visit him. The restraining order was still in place but the phonecalls didn't stop. :cry:  :cry:

Valentine's evening came, he kept ring and ringing, I knew he was desperate but fought with all my strength not to answer and then finally gave in, we argued, I shouted at him, I was probably the meanest that I've ever been to him in a desperate attempt to make him stop. Eventually, after 30 phonecalls, I told him that I'd had enough, we weren't in a relationship so stop contacting me. He asked me if I was seeing someone else and I told him it was none of his business.

The next day the police arrived at my door, I knew as soon as I opened it what they were going to say. He had committed suicide, I don't remember much else apart from screaming and crying. The last week has been a blur.... I'm not even sure what day it is. His family have asked me not to attend his funeral as they believe the last time we spoke had made him kill himself.

I am devastated beyond belief, I can't cope with the guilt and the fact that he made such a final decision based on my words.

Thanks for listening X

The hugest hug I could possibly give.

You weren't at fault, but the heartache must be so deep.

The hugest hug I could possibly give.

Captains wife:
I'm so so sorry....please take good care of yourself after such a turbulent experience. Please try not to bear the burden of guilt- this was his destructive decision. I am sorry the pain that this is causing you- I am also sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for this complicated loss.  You are not at fault; he made the decision.  His manipulation proves that you needed to keep your distance, and whatever you felt you needed to do to do that has to be OK.  Addiction is frightening and complex, and while he had a tough time dealing with it, he had to find a way to be the main person to deal with it.  He did not succeed.  Your feelings of love for his good parts and anger for his broken parts have got to be a very tough thing for you to deal with.  I am sorry that his family made you feel unwelcome at his service, and I hope you can do something meaningful to note the day.

Take care,
Rob T

I'm so sorry for all the heartache you've been going through. It sounds like you tried very hard to fix a problem that could only be fixed by him. I'm sorry he didn't find a way to do so. His family is surely devastated, just as you are. It is very unfortunate they are lashing out by blaming you when his actions were not your fault.

Sending you tight, tight hugs...


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