Author Topic: My ex boyfriend has gone  (Read 3395 times)

devastatedbroken

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My ex boyfriend has gone
« on: February 26, 2016, 06:15:05 AM »
18 months ago, I met a man who was perfect in every single way but had a fatal flaw, he was an addict. He stopped using to win me over but replapsed fairly quickly.

Despite my obvious determination to end the relationship, he worked hard to get me back, he got a job and started going to counselling, after a while, we got back together as I really thought he was trying. We were happy for another few months, he would do anything for me and I really thought that I'd fell on my feet. But, I suspected he was using again, he denied it and convinced me that he'd stand by me to work with my trust issues, so I immediately got help. There were further clues to him using and finally in July, I decided to trust my gut, I didn't need him to admit it, I knew in my heart that he was and he was also lying about it. I ended the relationship there, ignored all calls and went to visit a friend in another country to get away from it all. Whilst I was over there, his parents were ringing me asking me to give him a bit of hope as he couldn't live without me. I refused to give in and ignored over 40 calls and messages from him also.

When I returned from my friends, his parents begged me to ring him or go round as he said he was going to kill himself. I again said no but then decided I couldn't live with his death on my concious, so I went to his house and he had attempted suicide, an image that I will never forget. We resuscitated him until the ambulance came, he lived and I was so distraught and vulnerable at that time, I didn't have the strength to walk away. I then found out I was pregnant before I'd ended the relationship and somehow it seemed like we'd all been given a second chance. Sadly I miscarried which was devestating. We stayed together a while longer but guess what, I suspected that he was using again. He was getting diagnosed left right and centre for aspergers, bipolar, depression etc, but in all honesty if he had given up the drugs, I'm sure many of his issues would have got better. I struggled to deal with finding him when he tried to kill himself, was put on anti depressants and signed off work.

Our relationship was turbulent to say the least, I didn't want to be in it but he placed me at the centre of his world and often threatened to kill himself should I leave him, which I was only too ready to believe with that image haunting me. Several incidents happened, he tried to break into my house, threatened to kill himself when I asked him to leave so I contacted the police who charged him with harassment, he broke his bail conditions (not to contact me by any means) and with a heavy heart, in October, I rang the police again and they bailed him again with the same conditions (not to contact me) but told him in no uncertain terms that he'd go straight to prison if he broke them again. I was still receiving counselling at this point and I was working towards understanding how he was manipulating me and I was growing stronger every day. Sadly, he broke them and no matter what I thought was right or wrong, I could not bring myself to tell the police as I knew he'd go to jail. The calls got worse, he rang me over and over the desperation in his voice was heartbreaking, I knew we couldn't be together but I couldn't help being there for him. He stopped for a while in December and I started to feel better and returned to work. He started posting on Facebook pictures of his slashed arms and saying he was going to kill himself, every time he did this, rather than contacting him to see if he was okay, I rang the police and they would visit him. The restraining order was still in place but the phonecalls didn't stop. :cry:  :cry:

Valentine's evening came, he kept ring and ringing, I knew he was desperate but fought with all my strength not to answer and then finally gave in, we argued, I shouted at him, I was probably the meanest that I've ever been to him in a desperate attempt to make him stop. Eventually, after 30 phonecalls, I told him that I'd had enough, we weren't in a relationship so stop contacting me. He asked me if I was seeing someone else and I told him it was none of his business.

The next day the police arrived at my door, I knew as soon as I opened it what they were going to say. He had committed suicide, I don't remember much else apart from screaming and crying. The last week has been a blur.... I'm not even sure what day it is. His family have asked me not to attend his funeral as they believe the last time we spoke had made him kill himself.

I am devastated beyond belief, I can't cope with the guilt and the fact that he made such a final decision based on my words.

Thanks for listening X

Damiansinc

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2016, 06:23:21 AM »
The hugest hug I could possibly give.

You weren't at fault, but the heartache must be so deep.

The hugest hug I could possibly give.

Captains wife

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2016, 12:00:43 PM »
I'm so so sorry....please take good care of yourself after such a turbulent experience. Please try not to bear the burden of guilt- this was his destructive decision. I am sorry the pain that this is causing you- I am also sorry for your loss.

RobFTC

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2016, 02:49:04 PM »
I am so sorry for this complicated loss.  You are not at fault; he made the decision.  His manipulation proves that you needed to keep your distance, and whatever you felt you needed to do to do that has to be OK.  Addiction is frightening and complex, and while he had a tough time dealing with it, he had to find a way to be the main person to deal with it.  He did not succeed.  Your feelings of love for his good parts and anger for his broken parts have got to be a very tough thing for you to deal with.  I am sorry that his family made you feel unwelcome at his service, and I hope you can do something meaningful to note the day.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

SoVerySad

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2016, 04:17:27 PM »
I'm so sorry for all the heartache you've been going through. It sounds like you tried very hard to fix a problem that could only be fixed by him. I'm sorry he didn't find a way to do so. His family is surely devastated, just as you are. It is very unfortunate they are lashing out by blaming you when his actions were not your fault.

Sending you tight, tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

swilson

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2016, 04:51:43 PM »
{hugs} I'm sorry devastatedbroken. Please be good to yourself.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

twistedmensa

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2016, 07:43:47 PM »
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Your feelings must be so conflicted. Cyber hugs.

canadiangirl

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2016, 11:28:55 PM »
Dear DB, I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-boyfriend and for this heartache.  You don't deserve it and it is not your fault.  Something a bit similar happened to me when I was 16 - he did not complete suicide, but he threatened to commit suicide if I did not stay. So I stayed (I was young), until he cheated on me with someone else.  That person in turn cheated on my ex, and he did attempt suicide at that time (he survived and got help, and part of his supervised therapy was getting back in touch with me and understanding how he was trying to control and manipulate me, and the impact that had on me).  It's not your fault.  His family is wrong to treat you in this manner.  I am not being trite when I state the obvious that people break up in anger and under pressure-filled circumstances all over the world, all the time, and mentally well people do not kill themselves because of it. Reading your story I feel sad for his pain, but it's not your fault. I hope you can get some more counselling.  I hope you can find peace. Best wishes.

WifeLess

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2016, 08:14:00 AM »
devastatedbroken,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse (including long-term boyfriend) whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

There are a number of us here who have borne the extraordinary burden of the SOS widow(er), and we have often shared our stories on this site. Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone.

As I have posted in the past: When an issue such as mental illness, suicide, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc., is involved in our spouse's death, dealing with the aftermath can be especially difficult. Life was frequently frustrating, exhausting and sometimes even dangerous for years before their death. It was very likely an ambiguous love / hate relationship with a wide range of behaviors, some loving, some argumentative, some violent. And so for those of us left behind to deal with the consequences, feelings will likely be conflicted, just as they were before our spouse's death. And grieving may be a more complicated process for us than for those widowed under more "normal" circumstances.

Sorry for your loss and for the complex road to recovery that you must travel.

 --- WifeLess
« Last Edit: February 27, 2016, 08:17:58 AM by WifeLess »

bumbleb

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #9 on: February 29, 2016, 01:50:00 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss. {Hugs}
This life after your death is a strange journey. M 1973-2009

rememberingjason

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2016, 05:01:49 PM »
So sorry you had to go through this. You are NOT at fault. Hugs
Remembering the Good Times - Always

devastatedbroken

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2016, 05:07:59 AM »
Thanks for all your support, it means a lot.

His funeral day was fairly traumatic, my friend who attended the funeral took me to his grave after all the family had left which whilst was heartbreaking, made me realise for a moment that he was actually gone.

The next week, his friends and I all got together and went for a few drinks to celebrate him. His friends of 20+ years knew him very well and didn't blame me, even before they knew what he had been doing to be the past few months. This was very helpful to me as the blame and exclusion from his parents was excruciating to bear.

I'm still going through periods of guilt, despair, hopelessness, anger and sadness but sometimes there is a ray of hope that I am finally free of the mental gymnastics that he put me through. I tried so hard to keep him alive for so long, even if it meant that I was unhappy and the point when I decided to put myself first, he ends it in a horrible way which is not easy for someone who is naturally unselfish.

I'm working through my feelings with my counsellor but I just wish with my whole heart that he didn't have to take it to a level that was impossible to return from.  My heart wrenches for his family, they must be going through hell, from finding him to living without him must be heartbreaking.  I can in some form move on but they will have constant reminders of him. I'm still upset that they blame me but ultimately, he was their son.

Anyway, thanks again for all the replies, I really do appreciate them and they gave me a lot of comfort in my darkest hours.


Bluebird

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2016, 07:16:19 PM »
Dear devastatedbroken,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend and the loss you have suffered. I too lost my husband to addiction (alcohol) and although he did not complete suicide as we understand it, I've come to think of his drinking as a slow form of suicide. Knowing it will eventually kill him, and doing it anyway.

I can relate very much to the things an addict will do to not only keep the drug of choice in their life, but also to keep someone in their life who deep down they want a healthy relationship with, but their addiction gets in the way. It's such a paradox to try and hold on to something that will kill them, and something they see as the only good. It's desperate stuff.

But I hope that you will eventually see that you hold no guilt and no blame for the consequence of his addiction. I recall very clearly dreaming once that my husband was in the middle of an ocean, being battered by waves and unable to keep his head above water. I dived in to save him and he was frightened to come to the shore. He asked me to stay there with him, which I tried to do, but as the waves got bigger, he started pulling me under with him. I woke up with a start and knew deep down that I had to save myself. You did that. You made the choice of self care and that is something that you should never feel guilty for.

Take care, Bluebird
My First Love, Peace Be Thine

TalksToAngels

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2016, 11:28:05 PM »
The family blaming you is so expected. I figured this out before I even read it. Free your soul and life. There was absolutely nothing you could have changed. We all learn life's lessons, and you need to concentrate on your healing.

TornApart

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Re: My ex boyfriend has gone
« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2016, 06:15:31 AM »
"I am devastated beyond belief, I can't cope with the guilt and the fact that he made such a final decision based on my words."
((DB))
He didn't make his final decision based on your words. He was ill and broken. You tried for so long to try and help him get better. It was HIS decision. Not yours. You can't take responsibility for his choices. Is there truly anything else that you could have done, short of sacrificing yourself for him? It still wouldn't have worked. You tried everything possible. You were so strong and brave. Be kind to yourself, as I can tell that you are a kind person to others.
I know that this happened months ago, but I have only just come across this post. I hope you are doing better, and your counselling has been helping.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." Kahlil Gibran