Author Topic: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function  (Read 5883 times)

Tatianakm

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I have read through many posts and decided to share my pain. This is so unusual for me, as for the most part we have been very private about our life together, sharing everything and cherishing every moment, just me and my dear sweetheart, whom i lost on 2/29 due to cardiac arrest. This was not supposed to happen to us, we just had a new baby girl, Alice, whom we wiaited and pryed for for over 15 years. I gave birth on 2/08, we were on top of the world, overjoyed, making new plans for our new life together. My husband was so proud of our baby, showing her off to everybody.
That night, he worked nights, he played with us for a bit, practicing how he is going to carry her in the sling, placing baby in different positions and walking around with her, kissed us both, and left, happy and upbeat self. At 10:45 PM police knocked on the door, saying that his work was trying to get in touch with me and i should call local hospital ER right away. I panicked and called, doctor asked me to come in and would not tell me over the phone if he was responsive or not. I drove and cried, praying and pleading for him to be alive. Doctor said that they tried very hard, but he was unresponsive before He was brought in and they could not safe him. He passed very quickly in the matter of 5-10 minutes.
These last two weeks were just a black out. This was not supposed to happen, not now, not with our brand new baby, not to him, not to me...Being a problem solver and a project manager professionally, how do i "manage" myself out of this? How do i go on? How do i eat when he is not here to share a meal with me? Where should i go, if he is not there to accompany us? We were literally together in everything for close to 20 years. Now i just want to crawl into a corner and yelp until this physical pain goes away. I have to go on and take care of a newborn, have to be strong for her. Seems not possible, but i move in a daze counting down the hours until it is a bed time and i can wrap myseld in our blanket and still smell him.
Thank you for any words of wisdom, it helps to read all the posts of people who actually experienced the same and can offer some insight on how to survive.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Damiansinc

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2016, 06:50:16 PM »
There are others who are wiser than I.

Just hang on. Hang onto that baby. Try and remember that everything you feel is valid.

Sending deep love.

Trying

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2016, 08:44:56 PM »
I am so very sorry for your loss, especially at what should be the happiest time of your life with your new baby.  Right now you need to focus on the basics, one day at a time, one hour at a time.  Accept any help that is offered to you now because the offers will diminish over time.  Make sure you are drinking plenty of water, trying to eat and rest.  Hold that baby tight, there is nothing more soothing than rocking a baby.  Do your best to not look too far into the future just yet, now is not the time and it will only overwhelm you. 

There are other widows here who were either pregnant or had newborns when they lost their spouses who can probably give you some practical advice about caring for a baby while grieving but I would say start writing down anything you think someone can help you with, no matter how small.  That way when people give you the vague offer "let me know if you need anything" you can pull out your list and say "could you fold laundry while I nap with the baby" or "could you take the baby for a walk so I can have 15 minutes alone in the shower for a good cry". 

Keep reading and posting here, this group has been my life preserver for the past 2 1/2 years.
You will forever be my always.

SoVerySad

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2016, 07:04:34 AM »
I am so very sorry for your loss, Tatianakm. The loss of your spouse is always heartbreaking and hard to understand. Given that you've just had a long awaited baby, it is even more so. Being a planner myself, I can tell you that it is too soon to be trying to formulate a plan other than just making it through each day taking care of your baby and yourself. Sometimes you may need to readjust that to just making it through an hour at a time. And that is okay. The loss of a spouse is unlike anything else you've ever been through. Having put pressure on myself to be managing it all better (as I was used to doing), I know that made it worse for me. Right now just focus on the basics as Trying has said. She's offered you good suggestions.

Again, I'm so sorry for you to have lost your husband at such a promising happy time in your lives.
I'm sending you tight hugs....
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

daysofelijah

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2016, 08:13:27 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss. My LH died when my youngest was 9 months old. I think taking care of her gave me a reason to go on, to not crawl into bed and never get out. I couldn't because I had her (and her siblings) that needed me. It's not much comfort where you are now I know, but she will help you through this very hard time. One day, one hour at a time.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

Jess

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2016, 09:07:32 AM »
Tatianakm, my heart breaks for you. I did not have children, but my husband also passed suddenly from a seizure that resulted in cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They couldn't bring him back. In an instant, my entire life as I knew it, everything I knew to be true, was just gone. How do you pick up the pieces from that? The truth is, you will find a way. Things will not look like you expected or wanted, but you can do this. Like Trying said, we have had other members with young babies or even pregnant when they were widowed. You are not alone in this. Just keep trying to take care of yourself- eat, drink water, sleep. You can do this and we are here to listen to you and support you however you however you need.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Helena

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2016, 03:05:14 PM »
I?m so so sorry for your loss. My husband also passed away very suddenly and not at all expected, leaving me with three young children. Even if you don?t think you will survive another day -you will. I promise you. Your baby is going to keep you on your feet right now. Cry when you have to and try to eat.Vent here whenever you want. Many big tight hugs to you.

donswife

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2016, 03:39:28 PM »
I am so sorry.
I also lost my husband suddenly from a heart attack
we didn't have children but I do understand losing your best friend
and how hard it is
like it has been said , take people up when they offer to help
I made a list of things I needed help with and people really want to be able to help
Just for now try and take care of yourself and your Baby
remember to breath ,
you will be amazed when you realize you are holding your breath at certain times
take care and come here often
it has been a life saver for me

My everything

Tatianakm

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2016, 09:16:45 PM »
Thank you so much for all the kind words! I am so lucky to have found this forum, as i feel like I am totally alone in this. Today i had a major melt down in the supermarket. My LH and i had a routine when we would shop every Saturday at Trader Joe's and buy food for an entire week. I could not even step a foot into that store! But i needed some basics and took my mom, who traveled from Russia to help out with the baby, with me. Well, this was her first time in US supermarket and when she saw a wall of yogurt, she started to select the flavours she would like, also badgering me about my favourite. I just could have slapped her there, i got so angry and stared to cry in public. Who cares what flavour to eat, when i could barely get out of bed. She said that she just wanted to distract me. I am very thankful that she is here and she is very helpful with the baby, but even the most close person can not get it. There is no distraction now, every little thing around reminds me of him. I just want him back! I feel so lonely...oh, boy, i hate to see what tomorrow brings...
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

SoVerySad

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2016, 07:18:28 AM »
Tatianakm, Many members here could tell you how they have cried their way through the grocery store. It is really a triggering place for many of us, which is hard because we need to go there. I did so much delivery for dinners for my kids after my husband first died because I minded the grocery store so much.

Sending you tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jess

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2016, 08:41:33 AM »
Yes, the grocery store was impossible for me. I still hate it and put it off far too much. I had the realization at one point that I couldn'the even remember what I like to eat. It was always what we liked to eat and eating those things just made me sad.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Jen

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2016, 12:05:21 PM »
I wish I had something better... I am so, so very sorry for your tragic loss. So many hugs to you and that sweet baby...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Mrskro

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2016, 01:31:13 PM »
Hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine with a young baby.   Please know we are here if you need to talk.

Guaruj

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2016, 07:55:34 PM »
Hi Tatiana -

I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I hope you find yourself in good company here.

Today i had a major melt down in the supermarket. My LH and i had a routine when we would shop every Saturday at Trader Joe's and buy food for an entire week. I could not even step a foot into that store!

As others have already mentioned, it's not easy going to the supermarket during your first few months of widowhood. I avoided going out in public as much as possible during those days. My regular supermarket was quite large and always busy, so I didn't go there (also, the whole company went on strike at that time).

I tried shopping at another large supermarket, but I hated it and I was constantly disoriented there. I found it much easier to go to a small supermarket, which happened to be... Trader Joe's.

Do you have another Trader Joe's location nearby which might not trigger so much distress?

|+|  M a r k  |+|

Mizpah

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Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2016, 08:58:22 AM »
Being a problem solver and a project manager professionally, how do i "manage" myself out of this? How do i go on? How do i eat when he is not here to share a meal with me? Where should i go, if he is not there to accompany us? We were literally together in everything

I can very much relate, as I know many/all of us can, to this feeling.  ("I don't want to eat if he can't eat.")  (Public crying = totally normal!  You'll do it less over time.)  You can't manage yourself out of this.  You can only experience it, feel it, suffer through it, and very very slowly, gradually, with time, rebuild a life and a vision of your future that doesn't make you want to fall to your knees and scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!," for the rest of your time on earth.  My DH and I also spent all of our time together in a happy bubble, and I also lost him extremely suddenly (left for work Friday, looking forward to our weekend, and by noon, he'd been hit by a car while standing on a sidewalk).  That was almost 5 years ago now (5 years?!  WTF?!  How?!).  What I can tell you: the early days feel so long, you put so much pressure on yourself to make "progress," or you punish and judge yourself for wanting to not feel so much pain, because if he's gone, how can you have any relief?  What I can tell you: I barely remember the first few months, and it's probably a mercy.  Having to take care of your daughter will force you to function to a certain extent, but I hope that if you have assistance, you will avail yourself of it and give yourself time for you every now and then - to think, to cry, to write if it gives you solace.  I hope you will find bits of happiness in seeing pieces of him in her.  There's no getting around it: it's unbearable, and yet we are tasked with bearing it.  You will create a happy life/family for your daughter (and yourself), but for now, set the bar very very very very low.  Survive.  Feel the pain and sadness fully.  At about two years out, I felt alive again - I had died with him, and felt that way for a long time.  I have a daughter who's almost 2, with a widower.  Taking care of a newborn, baby, toddler - it takes away so much of your freedom and your ability to be a person yourself.  You've got trauma, and loss, and taking care of a baby - you have all of my sympathy, and I wish I could do something.  Feel free to message me anytime.  We're all here for you.   We've all walked your loss path, and some here had newborns when they lost their partner.  I'm thinking of you.  Just keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, hydrating, and feeding your daughter and changing her diapers and holding her.  The rest is for another time. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)