Author Topic: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function  (Read 5889 times)

Tatianakm

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2016, 09:22:49 PM »
Thank you so very much to all of you, guys! I am finding myself being addicted to this forum and checking things constantly. I am sure this will change when i will have to get back to work. For now i find some strange comfort in reading everybody's stories.
Today was exactly two weeks since the entombment, he wanted to be put into a wall...We joked about it when he was alive, but i am so relieved that i was able to arrange for his final wish. When i was driving to visit him, strangely i felt almost happy in anticipation to see him, almost as if we had a date. This is all so sad and pathetic. I brought our baby to show her off to him, how she is thriving and growing. He would be so proud!
On another note, his parents, who are still well, were quick to share with me that they bought out a double space right under his. This was never a plan, they never wanted this until now? Their relationship was rocky when he was alive. His father always competed with him for the accomplishments and never could be just proud and accepting, always had to "one up" my husband. His mother guilted him constantly. This was some sort of co-dependancy, instead of love all he felt was guilt. Now, even in death, my poor husband can not be left in peace. They had to "one up" again. This left me angry and helpless that i could not shield him from them.
When i got home from the cemetery, his car was in the driveway, i almost forgot that he is gone, for a split second i felt like he is home. I am not sure what to do with the car. I am not ready to let it go, hell, i want to keep his beer in the fridge forever. This is pure agony...
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Wheelerswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1095
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2016, 10:47:44 PM »
I am finding myself being addicted to this forum and checking things constantly. I am sure this will change when i will have to get back to work. For now i find some strange comfort in reading everybody's stories.

Tatianakm, we don't find this odd at all.  Many, many of us come here and read several times a day.  It is really common to spend hours on here in the early weeks.  I've read this board and its precursor for about 6 1/2 years.  Don't feel bad for reading.

I used to visit my first husband's grave almost every day.  I would stand there and talk to him and tell him about my day.  I would tell him how sad I was that I couldn't keep him alive any longer.  I told him a lot of things...thankfully nobody overheard my conversations.  When I met my second husband, I went there and told him that, too. 

I'm sorry about your in-laws.  Some people's perception of reality just isn't the same as others, eh?  You know his truth, and that is what matters. 

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

linda5

  • Member
  • Posts: 193
  • My one, my only
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2016, 09:50:08 AM »
Tatianakm, I'm so sorry for you loss.  Your story brought tears to my eyes.  I also lost my husband suddenly, but our kids were older... the youngest just started college.  Even after 35 years of marriage, you brought back all of my emotions I had when my husband first died.  I just want you to know, that I still grieve every single day for my husband, but I can survive.  I do find joy and happiness in some days and I'm praying you will too.  Just take it one day/one moment at a time.  I know it must be so difficult with a newborn ... just hang on.  I'm praying for you.

Amor

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
  • Amor Para Siempre
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2016, 09:56:31 AM »
I am glad you are able to get something good out of the boards here.  I know it has helped me being here. 
I often want to leave everything that we had the same.  If I had enough money I would not change a thing. When you are ready you can decide what to do with any of your things, do not let anyone rush you into anything now.
Amor

Guaruj

  • Member
  • Posts: 218
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2016, 08:07:03 PM »
Tatiana -

I'm glad you find it helpful to come here. I hope we see more of you.

Today was exactly two weeks since the entombment, he wanted to be put into a wall...We joked about it when he was alive, but i am so relieved that i was able to arrange for his final wish. When i was driving to visit him, strangely i felt almost happy in anticipation to see him, almost as if we had a date. This is all so sad and pathetic. I brought our baby to show her off to him, how she is thriving and growing. He would be so proud!

Please don't describe yourself as "pathetic" for doing this. Cemeteries exist so that the bereaved (such as yourself) may do these things. I lost my wife, Catherine, in July 2014. Like Maureen, I visited her grave nearly every day during my first year of widowhood. I was there this morning tending to the grass and shrubs. And, yes, I do talk to her while I'm there. It's not rational behavior, but it is human.

As you already noticed, it's helpful to you to remain as faithful to your spouse's wishes as possible.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

p.s. I thought it was wonderful that you brought baby with you to visit your husband.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2016, 08:15:43 PM by Guaruj »

Tatianakm

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2016, 08:27:38 PM »
Thank you so much for all support and words of comfort, guys! Today marks 3 weeks since my husband passed away.  I can not say "died", it seems so final. Passed away seems like he is just away... I had to cancel his cell phone line several days ago, told AT&T that he passed, only to receive a letter today that "they missed him" and invitation to join back. That was when i have lost it, he is dead and will never be able to "join back".

Mondays are just so hard, i can barely stand it. Monday was the happiest day of my life- my baby girl was born on Monday. Monday is the most horrible day in my life- my dear sweetheart was taken away on Monday. Just 6 weeks today since my daughter was born and three weeks since my husband passed. I am so lost. I meant to be a hands on mother and very much so. We had so many plans and visions how we are gong to parent and bring up our baby. I feel so guilty, as i am barely mastering feeding and diaper change and outsourced most of caring for the baby to my mom. Thank God she is here! I feel like a total failure as a mother.
The Fly Dubai airplane crash reminded me of our trip to Madeira almost 10 years ago. When we were to land in Lisbon, we were in the most horrific turbulence, that we thought that was it, we were about to crash, i am talking like nothing both of us ever experienced before. We held each other and said our "good byes", thanking each other for great 10 years of the love and care. Funny thing was, none of us felt scared, the feeling was light and we were really OK. Now i almost wish we did die together that day... I feel like a dog that was abandoned by the owners; do not know what i have done wrong to deserve this? And the thought that i will never feel his love, hear him saying that it will be OK, feel the comfort of his embrace, just unbearable.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2016, 08:55:35 PM by Tatianakm »
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

kjs1989

  • Member
  • Posts: 182
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2016, 11:11:06 AM »
I am so very sorry, Tatiana.

Everything you said takes me back three years. The panic in the grocery store about a week after his death when I finally ventured out of the house for the first time after the funeral. Oh, yes. I felt completely out of body. All the people wandering around with their carts like zombies. I thought I was in another world. It was all very surreal. My sister was with me. I started to hyperventilate in the check-out line while the cashier made small talk to the customer in front of us. Horrible. My sister saw it coming on and told the cashier we needed to check out quickly and be on our way.

Also, driving... I did not drive myself anywhere for several months because I could not focus. I know I would have had a panic attack in the car. It was a very gradual thing. I drove a few blocks here and there. Gradually, I began to function just a bit better and could get myself places.

Please, don't be afraid to do whatever you need to do to survive at this point. My doctor put me on Xanax which was a lifesaver for me. I still am prone to anxiety which I never dealt with before in my life. Now, if I feel uneasy I take 1/2 a pill, not every day, but it has helped me to function and live life and I am not afraid to admit it.

Tatianakm

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2016, 08:45:38 PM »
Hello, my fellow wids. I thought i would post an update. It helps to share my thoughts here, sort of like writing a journal. Never actually had a journal, this is another first for me.

I started to deal with a lot of necessary items, like estate settlement. My husband passed away without a will and all the property is in his name only, naturally, we were just living carefree life, not planning for death, but living life to it's fullest. Everywhere i am forced to share my story and recount the events, only to see deep sympathy on people's faces. I just hate it and can not stand it at all. Especially when the other person hears that i have a six weeks old baby. Even the estate attorney was so touched that he waved his consultation fees, as a father of two beautiful girls, he said this was the least he could do. I am of cause very thankful, but i hate to see that my baby's birth turned into a charity case. I was so proud before this, thinking i can handle anything what comes my way, thinking i was invinsible. Boy, this is some humbling experience. I feel beat down now.

Everything that mattered in mylife before the death of my husband now seems so shallow and superficial. This was some sort of the lesson i was supposed to learn. Boy, with a newborn i can not even get drunk once, i could use some heavy liquor just about now. Have to stay put, the baby needs me.
Thank you for listening...
« Last Edit: March 24, 2016, 09:17:27 PM by Tatianakm »
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

SoVerySad

  • Member
  • Posts: 865
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2016, 01:31:54 PM »
I'm glad to read your update. Making those calls to settle things is so hard. I had to limit myself to one per day, because it was so hard to tell the story of why I was calling. I can understand not wanting to be considered a charity case or feel like others are pitying you. That said, I hope you can see that your situation doesn't make you any less strong than you were. You've been put into an extremely difficult and sad circumstance, so you are being challenged in ways you never were before. Of course you feel beat down right now. That is understandable and to be expected.

My heart breaks for you, not in any sense of pity, but in the sense that you're going through such a sad loss at what should be one of the best times of your life. I wish you didn't have to be.

Sending you hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Tatianakm

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2016, 11:51:00 PM »
Today was exactly one month since my husband passed, or as you call it, "out"; I am one month out. Not sure why it is "out", as I am really one month in, IN to this personal Hell of unbearable loss. I drove today to the cemetery alone and had a good long cry there. It actually felt a little better after. I spent the rest of the day counting down the hours and minutes to the actual "event" as it happend, the time he could have felt his heart malfunctioning, the time someone started CPR, the time the ambulance arrived, the time they tried to resuscitate him, the time he was pronounced dead... 22:06, exactly the time my life ended together with his.

I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other for my baby girl, who just started to recognize my face and smiles now when she sees me; this is really bittersweet and I fight back the tears every time.

I spend all my free time reading this board, all the topics, really trying to determine what is ahead for me. One thing is clear that there will be no "moving on" or "getting over" , not really, not for me, as it is not for many of the regular widows/widowers who post here. One friend today said that she admired my strength and at the same time vulnerability through this time. Hell, I hate being strong, I would give everything to feel like a little girl in his arms, him hugging me and telling me it is going to be OK...

I hate that I have to be here, but I am so fortunate that I have found this board. Thank you again for listening...
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Mrskro

  • Member
  • Posts: 293
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2016, 08:18:34 AM »
Tatiana;

I know it seems as if you are stuck; and I don't agree with the people that think we ever "get over" or" move on"  I do know life has change in the most unimaginable way.  And it does get easier.   

I don't understand and hate when people tell me "how strong" I am....I wasn't, you weren't given a choice. 

One day at a time.

Hugs

Jen

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 1076
  • Jim: 7 April 1974-10 April 2014
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2016, 08:22:54 AM »
(((((HUGS)))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Tatianakm

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2016, 10:14:05 PM »
I started to have just horrible mornings. Every morning I wake up to the realization that I am alone now and my husband is never coming back. For a split second my mind just wonders where he might be: went out to get breakfast for us, sitting at his computer... Then this horrible panic sets in and I have to admit to myself over and over that he is gone forever and will never be back. This is a pure torture and I wonder how much of it is self-inflicted. I am forced to stay in bed for a little while, crying and coming to terms with this "new" morning, then drag myself out of bed, shaming myself for letting my mind to forget yet again that this IS the new life now. I thought I would never say it, but I am actually looking forward to going back to work in two weeks; hopefully I will have no time to really think about it then and things improve.

At the same time I am dreading  going back to work, as I visit a different account and a client each day. Last time I saw some of these people they were expressing their congratulations on the upcoming addition to my family ( my baby girl's birth). Now with inevitable questions about the baby, I will have to tell my other sad news and keep it all together. I wish I could just have one office to go to and one time of sad looks and condolences; I will have to repeat it all over again, day after day, until I visit all the accounts. Where to find strength to keep it together and not fall apart?

Are any of you had to face the same upon return to work? Any coping strategies that worked?

Thank you, as always.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Kater

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #28 on: April 09, 2016, 02:12:31 AM »
My husband had a heart attack late one Sunday night.  He was in the hospital until he died, about 36 hours after the heart attack.  For the longest time - probably 2 months - my first thoughts when I woke up were of the events over that time.  Every day, I saw him in the hospital bed.  I think it was my minds way of trying to process that he is gone.  I saw it with my own eyes sort of thing.  I stayed in bed those days until I just could not any longer without being late for work (not good as I teach at University).  I don't have those same thoughts every morning any more (just past 3 months out now), but I still have lots of moments where I have to remind myself it's true. 

Work, for me, was helpful.  It was the place I felt most "normal" because my husband was never there with me, so I didn't notice his absence nearly as much.  I had an opportunity to tell all my "customers" (students) at once in my first class back, but it was very difficult, and I choked up a few times.  Boy, how to freak out fifty 22 year olds at once!  But after that I found everyone to either be very caring and understanding or to just avoid it,which was ok too.  I completely understand not wanting to cry, but I don't know that anyone cares about that as much as we do.  I think people will be understanding.  If they care enough to ask about your baby, I would assume they will care enough to hear about your husband and will understand any tears.  Well, at least that is my sincere hope for you.  My only suggestion is to have a bit of a script ready.  That way you can detach a bit and just recite what you prepared.  That's what I did for all my classes.

Take care.

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 745
Re: Lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/29, can't function
« Reply #29 on: April 12, 2016, 11:17:45 AM »
Today was exactly one month since my husband passed, or as you call it, "out"; I am one month out. Not sure why it is "out", as I am really one month in, IN to this personal Hell of unbearable loss. I drove today to the cemetery alone and had a good long cry there. It actually felt a little better after. I spent the rest of the day counting down the hours and minutes to the actual "event" as it happend, the time he could have felt his heart malfunctioning, the time someone started CPR, the time the ambulance arrived, the time they tried to resuscitate him, the time he was pronounced dead... 22:06, exactly the time my life ended together with his.

I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other for my baby girl, who just started to recognize my face and smiles now when she sees me; this is really bittersweet and I fight back the tears every time.

I spend all my free time reading this board, all the topics, really trying to determine what is ahead for me. One thing is clear that there will be no "moving on" or "getting over" , not really, not for me, as it is not for many of the regular widows/widowers who post here. One friend today said that she admired my strength and at the same time vulnerability through this time. Hell, I hate being strong, I would give everything to feel like a little girl in his arms, him hugging me and telling me it is going to be OK...

I hate that I have to be here, but I am so fortunate that I have found this board. Thank you again for listening...

There is no getting over, this is very true.  This will be a part of who you are, a part of your life, the fabric of your being, for the rest of your life, and I truly believe there is a part of me that will forever, until I die, be that woman who stood next to his hospital bed in the surgical ICU, and muttered, "My life is over."  Is IS unbearable, it is true.  And yet you are bearing it, and will bear it, as we have and do.  It is Worst Case Scenario.

Not only are you grieving and traumatized, but you're taking care of a newborn.  I have a 2-year-old, so I still recall the difficulties of that time period, and that was without fresh trauma/grief.  I really cannot imagine more difficult circumstances. 

It's totally normal, in my opinion, to be addicted to the board.  I was, and so were my fellow widows on the same timeframe.  I can't remember if you are or not or if you're able to, but I strongly, strongly recommend therapy if you can find someone you think is good. 

I returned to work in less than two weeks.  It was good in that I had to try to function and it was bad in that I had to try to function, if that makes sense.  I had an office and a door, so it was different for me - if I wanted to close a door and cry, I could.  Carry tissues.  Before I lost DH, I was in court one day (I'm an attorney).  I was at a conference with opposing counsel.  There was a break and we were chatting.  Out of nowhere (seemingly, to me, innocent of such things at the time), she teared up and began talking about how she had lost her soulmate, her husband, 20 years prior.  I felt terribly for her.  I can't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was feeble and awkward.  And then I was her.  My point though: it's normal to break down.  It's ok.  It's a nightmare.  (I do agree about the script.  Know how you're going to phrase the news.  It'll start you off on somewhat stable footing.)

Mornings were my hardest time as well. 

You don't get over it.  But time continues and so does your life, though at the beginning and for a very long time, your life is grief and mourning.  What you believe will be your life, what you believe your future will be, what you believe of yourself - the difference between that and your future reality may surprise you.  I have widow friends who were angered if anyone ever suggested they may find future happiness, who are currently married and very happy in their lives.  I have widow friends who dated again very quickly and seemed very open to future happiness, who are still very deep in grief.  And everything in between.  (I had never been in love like I had with DH - hadn't known it was possible to be that in love, and thought I'd never have true feelings for anyone again.  At about 2 years "in," I came alive again (through traveling by myself halfway around the world), and met a widower who I had feelings for - it was a huge surprise to me.  I won't lie - my life isn't the sparkling jewel it was, but there is sweetness in my life, and love.)  The future may be what you believe it will be, but it also may surprise you.  But right now, honestly, the future doesn't matter - it doesn't even really exist except as a hypothetical and something that seems desperately sad and never-ending without him.  My advice is to focus on the here and now - surviving this day, finding tiny little pieces of light, enjoying your daughter as much as you can, exploring your thoughts and going where they take you even when it hurts.  Take care of yourself and take care of her.  One foot in front of the other.  "Just keep walking," I would tell myself back then.  Just keep walking. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)