Author Topic: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago  (Read 4638 times)

Kenneth

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« on: March 25, 2016, 08:41:34 AM »
My wife passed away 5 weeks ago today. We were married for 15 and 1/2 years of which she was fighting a rare cancer for the last 4 years. Despite countless struggles and hardships she was constantly bouncing back, a little bit weaker every time. We always thought she would pull through in the end....

She was so full of life, she was a ray of light that lit up every place she went. We loved each other more than anything in this world. She was my best friend and in fact my only friend. We spent every minute of everyday together, always together except while at work. From the moment we first met and hugged each other we knew we were meant for each other. We never had a fight, we had an unbreakable bond of trust, love and friendship.

She was my entire life, I depended on her for everything and with her gone I am completely heartbroken and lost. The pain and loneliness without her is more than I can bear. I would have given my life for her so she may live, she was such an amazing person in every way possible.

The only thing that kept me going so far is my pursuit of finding a headstone worthy of her which I'm still working on and trying to setup so that our 2 golden retrievers will be taken cared if I no longer can. I feel that I'm getting a little bit weaker for every passing day..

I have been told I need to reach out to support groups which is not an easy thing for me. I'm not sure how I found this place or why but here I am laying bare my pain.

Kenneth

Wheelerswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1096
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2016, 08:57:19 AM »
Hi, Kenneth,

Welcome to the family.  I'm sorry you had to pay the price of admission to this club that nobody wants to belong to.  We get it here.  Your wife sounds like an awesome woman and you were the recipient of her love and gifts in your life.  You are in the midst of the toughest part of this whole ordeal.  You are having to somehow swallow the reality that she is no longer here.  How can that be?  How can we possibly go on like this?  The reality is that we all somehow manage to do it...one day at a time.  Life is forever changed, but nobody can take those years you had with your wife away from you.

Yesterday should have been my 5th wedding anniversary with my second husband.  I can hardly believe that it is the third anniversary that I have commemorated without him.  Has it really been over 2 years since he died?  How did I get from where you are to today?  One day at a time.

The best advice for right now is to drink a lot of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, spend as much time reading and posting here and not to be afraid to connect with others with whom you resonate, especially those close to your time table.  They will understand your feelings and experiences the best, as they are also in the same phase of "What the heck??" and "What do I do with all of these thoughts going through my head??"

Hang in there,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

SoVerySad

  • Member
  • Posts: 865
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2016, 10:07:25 PM »
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I also was lucky enough to have a spouse and best friend  I was inseparable from. While I am grateful for every minute we spent together, living without him has been so excruciating and bewildering. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. This forum (and its predecessor) has been a very real lifeline for me. I hope you can find comfort and support here as well - from people who understand because they've experienced the loss of their spouses as well.

Sending you hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Kenneth

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2016, 06:37:58 PM »
@Maureen and SoVerySad.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my "outcry for help" when I had my wife by my side I think I could have gone through anything. With my soulmate now gone and the feeling of being all alone I dont know how. I am so lost.

Eating I can barely do and drinking I have to remind myself to. As a grown man I didn't think I could cry this much. It's embarrassing but I have lost control, I just break down, while at home, work, the few times at the grocery store.

Kenneth

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1634
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2016, 08:04:23 PM »
Kenneth I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like your relationship was extraordinarily special.  These early days and weeks and months are brutal and there is no short cut around the pain. Take it one day at a time, try to be gentle with yourself.  You have found a place where there are many people who understand, it has been a life raft for me and I hope we can be there for you too.
You will forever be my always.

SoVerySad

  • Member
  • Posts: 865
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2016, 08:30:50 PM »
Kenneth,

There is nothing to be embarrassed about with breaking down. This is a very hard experience. I think the crying is necessary to let some of the pain out. It is too much to keep in. The grocery store has been a crying trigger for many of us.

Do try to keep drinking water. I was having issues with my blood pressure dropping low. My MD told me I was really dehydrated. I didn't realize crying so much can actually cause dehydration. I pretty much ate only yogurt, cottage cheese, peanut butter, crackers, or fruit for the first few months. Try to find something easy and just eat when you can.

It is awful that when we are going through the worst experience of our lives, we don't have our spouses here to help us through it. Keep reaching out and we'll support you as best we can.

Sending more hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

rifatheroffour

  • Member
  • Posts: 226
  • Widowed 1-13-13 joined YWBB 6-10-13 Loc: RI
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2016, 09:23:01 PM »
Kenneth,

I'm very sorry for your loss and need to join us.  I lost my wife a little over three years ago after fighting an unknown lung disease for a number of years.  We were also very close and best friends who never seriously fought with each other.  She was my life along with our children.

I completely understand the crying and how it sneaks up on you when and where you least expect or want it to happen.  I found giving into the emotion as it comes helped work through my grief.  As a good friend of mine said, honor your feelings by allowing them to come as they need to. This may mean quick departures from a grocery store from time to time. Eventually these emotional outbreaks and breakdowns will lessen but it will take time.  As far out as I am there are still times that the reality of my life and the loss of my love hit and I still can end up in tears.  It's completely normal.

Take care and as others have said reading, posting and connecting with others here can be very helpful.
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

Kater

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2016, 11:39:31 PM »
Kenneth,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am just short of 3 months out since I lost my husband, my best friend and soul mate, so not too much further ahead than you.  Yes, the grocery store is awful. I go in with a very specific list, and get in and out as fast as possible.  I think I have only been 3 times in 3 months so by no means have mastered that yet.

I feel like I have just in the last week come out of "survival mode".  So it takes time.  Initially I was looking for places and times that would make me really sad.  Maybe trying to rip the band aid off and let all the grief come pouring out at once.  What I now know is that the grief will come every day to some degree.  I once heard that grief is a like a suitcase that we leave at the foot of our bed each night to be picked up every morning and taken with us.  Some days the suitcase is very heavy; others it is light.  I have felt this to be true.  Some days are starting to be tolerable.  I was never suicidal, but definitely did not care if I lived or not (a very common feeling it seems).  I think I am starting to get through that feeling too.

Hang in there.  Do whatever brings you comfort, no matter how crazy or weird it seems! I have a fairly extensive list of those things.  And don't put any pressure on yourself to do more than needs to be done right now.  A few people have started asking me about my husbands "stuff".  I just laugh and say that I am in no way ready to deal with that and may not be for another year.  I have found this discussion board and connecting with other wids to be very helpful too.

Take care,
Kate


Kenneth

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2016, 04:58:54 PM »
Thank you so much to everyone that replied. I'm am so sorry for your loss as well, no one should have to go through anything like this, ever!

When I do go to the grocery store my basket looks as pathetic as I feel, pretty much just bananas and tissues.

I think it's a really good advice to try to keep busy with something you like. My wife and I had so many interests and passions but we did them all together and it's too painful for me to even consider any of them without her. Even reading we did together, laying in bed each reading a book, it was so cozy. I was never one to watch much TV, now I haven't even turned it on for over 5 weeks.

I have been told I should start taking anti depressants, but I don't know, I never was one for medecine either so I don't know how that would affect me. I had a few panic attacks which I barely managed to fight off going into this weekend, I'm afraid taking something would make my mind less effective regain control over myself. Or would it get better?

Kenneth

Kater

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2016, 08:15:48 PM »
i started having panic attacks which is completely not me.  A good friend who was with me when I was having one was stunned.  She said of all people she knew, I was the last she would ever think would have an anxiety attack.  The comment validated my complete surprise that this was happening to me.  I did talk to my doctor about it mostly because I had planned a short trip and didn't want to be stuck on the airplane having a bad one.  She gave me Adavan but not too many just to see if it helped.  I rarely use it.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it seems to make it worse (which is why I hesitate to use it).  Honestly, a glass of wine helps me more, but day drinking is somewhat frowned upon at my job 😳😄 I rarely take any pills for anything, but I think this is a time where if it's what gets you through, why not.  My advice would be to talk to your doctor. 

oh, and I am with you on the empty grocery basket.  Dinner many nights has been wine and potato chips, so the grocery list is usually a short one.  I do tell my friends I am having lots of fruit and vegetables, so kinda being truthful, right?

Take care.  Lots of love and support in this community.
Kate


Wheelerswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1096
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2016, 08:35:46 PM »
I have been told I should start taking anti depressants, but I don't know, I never was one for medecine either so I don't know how that would affect me. I had a few panic attacks which I barely managed to fight off going into this weekend, I'm afraid taking something would make my mind less effective regain control over myself. Or would it get better?

I believe that the decision about medication should be between a person and his or her doctor.  Some people around you may be seeing signs that they interpret as depression, and you may well be depressed, but you are grieving, which is a very normal process that you are experiencing after the loss of your wife.  Friends around us usually aren't qualified to diagnose us or recommend we be medicated.  That being said, it can be helpful to talk about how we feel and if your friends are concerned enough about you to be thinking you are depressed, it may be worth seeing a doctor or some type of therapist or counselor experienced in grief.

I, too, started experiencing panic attacks right after my second husband's death (but not after losing my first husband).  I saw my doctor right away because they were very debilitating and I was going into panic just trying to go to bed every night.  I still take one short-acting medication before bedtime every night.  I haven't been able to tolerate longer acting medications and medications that impact depression and anxiety because I had very unacceptable side effects from them.  I quit trying them and opted for a service dog who intervenes at my earliest signs of anxiety.  Overall, my anxiety is under much better control, especially because I can recognize the onset of anxiety much more readily with my dog and I can usually use strategies to shut down some of the anxiety response. 

It has taken me some time to get to the point where I can function better.  I know from (too much) experience that the awful pain from the loss of a spouse becomes softer and it is possible to get back into living again.  It may take quite a bit of time, but you have to believe that this will get better.  You will always love her and you will always miss her, but it becomes more bearable.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Guaruj

  • Member
  • Posts: 218
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2016, 08:00:31 PM »
Hi Kenneth -

I hope you're feeling better these days.

The only thing that kept me going so far is my pursuit of finding a headstone worthy of her which I'm still working on and trying to setup so that our 2 golden retrievers will be taken cared if I no longer can.

I also found it helpful to commission my wife's headstone. Unless you live in the southern hemisphere (where winter is starting), now is a good time to start working on that. It does take work, and you can't make it happen in just a week or two - it took me about 3 months from first contacting the dealer to when the stone was finally in place. That caused me some anxiety along the way, but only because Winter was approaching.

Speaking of anxiety...

She gave me Adavan but not too many just to see if it helped.  I rarely use it.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it seems to make it worse (which is why I hesitate to use it).

When my wife, Catherine, was in treatment for cancer, she suffered frequent anxiety attacks (and I could scarcely blame her for that). She found that Ativan worked wonders for her, but everyone is different. As far as I know, you should not drive a car when taking that drug.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

Jen

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 1076
  • Jim: 7 April 1974-10 April 2014
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2016, 08:25:02 AM »
(((((Kenneth))))))

I am so, so sorry. I lost my husband and best friend almost 2 years ago, and it's still so hard... I wish I had magic words that could make it easier for all of us. Be gentle with yourself. We're here to listen... we wish we didn't get it, but we do.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 746
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2016, 09:20:48 AM »
When I do go to the grocery store my basket looks as pathetic as I feel, pretty much just bananas and tissues.

I think it's a really good advice to try to keep busy with something you like. My wife and I had so many interests and passions but we did them all together and it's too painful for me to even consider any of them without her. Even reading we did together, laying in bed each reading a book, it was so cozy. I was never one to watch much TV, now I haven't even turned it on for over 5 weeks.

I have been told I should start taking anti depressants, but I don't know, I never was one for medecine either so I don't know how that would affect me. I had a few panic attacks which I barely managed to fight off going into this weekend, I'm afraid taking something would make my mind less effective regain control over myself. Or would it get better?

My heart's breaking for you (and all the new widows and widowers we've got here).  I'll just share little snippets to let you know that we can relate and that there is light "at the end of" the tunnel - not that this tunnel ends really because they're dead permanently, so maybe it's more correct to say that there's light along the way, the lights get closer together and brighter as you go on....

I subsisted on red Gatorade and a half a banana and a half an English muffin a day for months.  Terrible.  My shopping cart looked just like yours and I carried packets of tissues everywhere - in the first week, lacking all sense of decorum, I actually carried a regular old home-sized tissue box and engaged in loads of public crying.  It's not pathetic, it's right - this is how you SHOULD feel.  It is unbearable and yet we must bear it.

Like you, DH and I spent all of our time together in a happy little in love bubble of two.  I spent a lot of time in solitude after he died.  It was comforting somehow, to be able to have quiet to process my thoughts and feelings.  But too much of it can be too much of it....

Finding something "to do" was really key for me.  I felt like things were so bad in my life that I needed all other things to be stable and good and ok, so (once I started eating again), I ate super healthy, I ran and worked out a lot, I didn't drink - I felt like stability had to be the most important thing to safeguard because I felt so unstable and in despair.  It was also really important to me to pay tribute to him.  I learned Hebrew (took classes) because he was Israeli and I felt closer to him.  I read books he loved.  I went to synagogue on Friday evenings to say the mourner's prayer for him, because he loved our Jewish identity and because I needed to replace our Friday nights of excitement to have the weekend together, with something other than going home to be alone.  I planted a garden in the shape of a heart.  I bought a memorial bench/plaque in the park in the City where we spent a lot of our time.  I went to the cemetery once a month.  These things gave me ritual and purpose and meaning, until I was strong enough to begin to rebuild a life that had more to do with me and less to do with him and us. 

About meds - it's individual for everyone.  I did it without meds.  I went to therapy twice a week for a few months, and continued once a week for two years.  It was very good for me to have that oasis, that time and space. 

We all know where you are and understand your feelings.  Just keep breathing and putting foot in front of foot.  It won't always hurt so much.  But for now, suffering through is the thing.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

donswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 549
Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2016, 07:50:48 AM »
I am so sorry you had to be here but I am also glad you found us
I lost my husband and best friend , the person who I spent all my time with and loved
its so hard  and the beginning can be some of the hardest times
Having to miss the person who knew us the best
and would be the one to stop this heartbreak is at times unbearable
but you can go on because she would want you to
that is what I kept telling myself and it did help
also carried tissues with me at all times(still do ) and dreaded the grocery store
lived on chicken fingers and ginger when I did eat
just do what you can
take care
My everything