Author Topic: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago  (Read 4649 times)

Max2507

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2016, 12:57:48 PM »
so sorry for your loss Kenneth. What you have described is perfectly normal considering your situation. 5 weeks is no time at all, tears are healing. I cried everywhere for a while, the bank, the grocery, at work all the time. I had a roll of viva papertowels, visine, and afrin nasal spray on my desk for at least a year. i could have done an ad for viva papertowels I had rolls of them everywhere. I would hesitate on the antidepressants at this point unless you are unable to function enough to at least go through the motions of life. I heard that early on as well and I was grieving and crying and sad but what I considered normal given the situation. At a year and a half I got to a point where I could hardly get out of bed, felt like a zombie, didn't care if I showered for days just was not functioning well and having anxiety that felt paralizing. At that point I did go on antidepressants and it helped make me a lot more functional. Grieving is not depression but you can become depressed along the way.

I also found that I could no longer watch the same tv shows, sit on the same couch, go to the same restaurants. It was so painful. Now at almost three years I have come to realize I have had to find totally different things to do, that I now enjoy, but it is like starting your life over, it will come in time but do what you feel like doing.

Be gentle on yourself, drink plenty of water, eat regular, don't worry if other people are uncomfortable. Try to get enough rest. Come here and post. The old forum and this one got me through along with cat and dog videos on the internet.

Kenneth

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2016, 01:14:32 PM »
Thank you so much for all the kind words everyone

How do or did you handle the loneliness? I am so lonely without her and it's hurting so bad I don't know what to do, it is especially bad on the day of the week she passed. She was my only friend and that was all I needed as we did everything together.

Kenneth

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2016, 05:01:14 PM »
For me Kenneth it was Thursday.  Excruciating early on. Never felt any pain like this ever.  Give yourself time to heal.  5 weeks really is very early out.  Do what you need to do to get through the day remembering to breathe.  Crying is dehydrating, drink lots of water and you may not care to eat but please do. 
My DH and I also did everything together so yes, its a very lonely journey at times.  We're all here for you as we get what you're going through.
Big hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

SoVerySad

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2016, 10:24:18 AM »
Kenneth, I didn't have many friends besides my husband. I fought the loneliness by watching endless amounts of TV. I used to love reading, but still struggle with my mind wandering away to thoughts of my husband. TV held my attention more.  I was never a huge TV watcher before, but it became a refuge of sorts. I avoided shows he and I used to watch together, except for a few we watched as a family with our children. They still wanted to watch those together, so we did.

There was also a panda cam for the Washington Zoo at the time as the panda was expecting. I watched that often, even felt like an "aunt" of sorts when the baby was finally born. I still watch too much TV, though I'm actively working on trying to get out more (but I am 3 years out).

I came here a lot and still do. I met a few wonderful friends here who have continued to be part of my life. Some others have moved on.

Finally, when I went out, I tried to smile at others as much as I could manage, hold doors, return shopping carts for people, etc.. I realized that there were likely other wounded hearts walking around out there. Maybe I could give them a moment of human contact they were missing and benefit myself as well. Even the minimal smiles and thank yous I received in return helped me feel a little more connected to the world and less lonely.

The loneliness is really hard, especially if you were someone who spent a lot of time with your spouse and thoroughly enjoyed being with them. Eventually you may well find that your memories can fill some of the loneliness, but it is likely too soon for you to find comfort in them yet.

Sending you more hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Mizpah

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2016, 10:56:20 AM »
How do or did you handle the loneliness?

It's a really rough part of it.  I took a lot of walks on weekends, to be *among* people, even if not *with* them.  Sometimes it helped and made me feel less lonely, sometimes it made it worse - I felt separate.  I took classes, and was among people and made a few friends and had awesome teachers.  I started going to synagogue, and always sat in the same spot - other people do too, and my synagogue neighbors became weekly chit chat people who I ended up looking forward to seeing a lot more than I ever would have anticipated.  I leaned on my siblings to talk to about DH and how I was doing, and I made permanent friends with people on YWBB (this page's precursor) who were in my same timeframe - 5 years out, and they're some of my best friends (this is an understatement).  But: there's no way to fully eradicate it.  Your whole world is gone.  The loneliness is part of the grief/loss.  It gets lesser with time and less raw with time, as do many of the other aspects of his unbearable situation.  I'm thinking of you.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Tatianakm

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2016, 09:22:38 PM »
I am really sorry for your loss, Kenneth.
I too can relate to your feelings about the day of the week our loved ones passed away. Today, Monday, 22:06 exactly when my dear sweetheart was pronounced dead. I am dreading Mondays altogether and then counting down to the time, panic just sets in stronger and stronger. I am just about in the same time frame as you are, 5 weeks today. I am vising the cemetery almost every day, especially on the days I feel really rough. I have my cry and my talk, telling him everything as if he is here; I do feel calm after it just long enough to carry me over till the next day.  My only comfort is this forum and great people who assure that it does get easier over time. I don't believe them, not just yet.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #21 on: April 04, 2016, 10:57:40 PM »
That's ok T  I didn't believe them either earlier out because how could it be possible to go on without him/her for the rest of your life. Just the thought of that would make me angry and bring me to my knees. Just couldn't imagine.  Remember to breathe ( I had times when I was so intense I had to just try to breathe calmly) and drink lots of water. Oh and post here whenever you want, we get it!
Big giant hugs!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Quixote

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2016, 03:30:12 PM »
Re:  loneliness.  It's awful. My wife and I did everything together, and work aside, were rarely apart for two decades.  We had a fair number of friends, but hanging around with them wasn't the same. We were the only two people on the planet who really understood each other. She used to half kid that we were our own subculture.  You get the idea.  It's not something that can be replaced by hanging about in crowds or similar suggestions well meaning people make. If anything, being at parties or public spaces just seemed to intensify the loneliness. 

So instead, I just found as many projects as possible, preferably things that forced me to go outside (though not always with people. Animals are always good, though) The nights and mornings will always be hard, I hate to say. But if you can just get moving, you can distract yourself away from the pain. Not always, but enough to more or less function. 


Kenneth

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2016, 07:06:02 AM »
I also wish I could believe that things will get better, it's impossible for me to see how that could be. But then I see so many of you have done it so maybe there is a way, I just can't see it. If it weren't for my 2 dogs I would go straight to bed after work and not get up until it was time to go back to work again. Loosing ones soulmate is like loosing yourself.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2016, 07:53:07 AM »
Yes, Kenneth, we do, in fact lose so many aspects of ourselves, don't we?  I know that people say that things get better.  I have said it myself.  I've lived through things getting better.  Yet when I lost my second husband 2 years ago, I still didn't know how I was going to get through it, even though I had personal experience of survival.  You aren't alone in how you feel, yet I really understand how alone you do feel, even surrounded by people, some of whom really care about you...and even "surrounded" here by a group of people who share your experience and really care, even though you haven't met them.  Being without your spouse...it might as well be that we are the last person on earth sometimes...because it sure feels that way.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

donswife

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2016, 08:37:04 AM »
 Being without your spouse...it might as well be that we are the last person on earth sometimes...because it sure feels that way.


Maureen : this says it all
it does feel like this even if you are surrounded by people
to fight the loneliness I do have my dog ,
sounds simple but if it wasn't for her and the fact it gets me up and outside I'm not sure what I would do
take care and keep coming here .
My everything

MamaZ

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #26 on: April 23, 2016, 02:01:40 PM »
I am SO sorry that you've had need (loss) to join us! Like you, I was shattered for a long time after that dreaded day. We also were the very best friends who got real joy out of everything that we did together (which was darned near everything!). To get by, I started trying some new activities or places that did not have a husband sized hole, almost an act of rebellion when I went through many "pissed at the universe" phases. Only later, did I tackle things that were more "ours". Whatever works to get you through. There is no playbook full of rules.

Heartspy

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #27 on: April 23, 2016, 08:26:33 PM »
Kenneth,
I hate that we have to welcome you to this board. Cancer is a brutal beast. There were many months I wished that I hadn't survived my husband's cancer, either. The grief was too much.I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I'd beg him to come get me- to take me with him. I'd come home from work and sometimes only make it to to the living room floor before I'd break down and cry. I cry really ugly, so I'd try my best to hold it together in public. But, had a few melt downs: at the grocery store, work, the car dealership, the doctor's office, the nail salon, the vets office - you get the picture.  WidTip: ALWAYS keep your sun glasses on!  8)
I did meet another widow on this site (well, the old one: YWBB) and we became and still are great friends. But early on- we would text each other all night. Neither could sleep, so we'd text each other our tears, fears and some really funny shit, too! It helped more than I could ever articulate. We were never shocked or offended by our outburst of insanity, caused by grief.
The anxiety (which I never experienced before his diagnosis/death) was alarming! I didn't take meds, but my doc wrote the Rx for them and told me, "This isn't because I think you're crazy, this is because I don't want you to feel crazy- through this insanely difficult time." Just knowing the script was in my drawer made me a smidge calmer. Weird, but, true. This board and all the beautiful wids are my pillow - I come here to rest my head. It's been 3 years since my husband had to leave his body, but he has never left my heart. Love Is Stronger Than Death. Trust that.
You'll Always Be My Bug, Love.

linda5

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #28 on: April 24, 2016, 07:57:42 PM »
I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, Kenneth.  I read your post and it put me right back to that time in my life 3 years ago.  I wrote the same things as you ... felt my life was over and at that time wanted to die with him. BUT, now at 3 years, I have found some joy and happiness again ... not every second of every day, but joy and happiness is there!  No, I'm not with anybody.  I had my soulmate and if I never find another, I was still blessed for the time I did have him.  I just want you to know, that yes, you are going through some very dark days and times.  Please know (and I know you think you'll never laugh again) that it will get more tolerable.  But it doesn't happen overnight.  Just hold on. 

Mizpah

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Re: Lost my wife 5 weeks ago
« Reply #29 on: April 25, 2016, 08:21:23 AM »
Loosing ones soulmate is like loosing yourself.

Yes, it is.  When DH died, I turned to my mother and said, "My life is over."  And it was.  A new life emerged, but very slowly and very gradually.  I think of us (widows/widowers) like starfish now.  Our arm is gone - arm being our heart, or our life, or our self, etc.  A new one grows in its  place, but it takes a long time, and it's different, even if no one else can tell it is.  Be patient with yourself.  You can't see hope right now, but that is natural.  Surviving comes first, thriving after.  The intense grieving is all-consuming.  It hurts so much.  That is your occupation right now.  Very slowly and gradually - that's how the healing and rebuilding happens. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)