Author Topic: Need the pain to end  (Read 1941 times)

LTSLforever

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Need the pain to end
« on: April 12, 2016, 01:47:44 PM »
I am 5 months out.  I am so sick of living in pain.   I am on medication, see a therapist and attend a grief support group.  Nothing helps.  There really is only one way to end the pain.  I know I can't take that road but this thing called life was not meant for me. 

Mrskro

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2016, 01:55:59 PM »
LTSL; 

Hugs to you.   I'm so sorry you are in such pain.  None of us wanted to be on this journey.   My only advice is one minute at a time.   Unfortunately there isn't an easy answer. 

Nic

Mizpah

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2016, 01:58:11 PM »
Five months feels like forever, but my memory of it all only really starts at about 6 months, that's how bad and how raw and "early" five months is.  It's bad.  It's really bad.  It *does* get less painful.  Your life very slowly and very gradually becomes less torturous.  You are doing all the right things to try, to turn toward light by doing therapy and support group and turning to us.  Every person is on a different timeline, but for me, I didn't start feeling "alive" again until about two years out.  A friend of mine said six.  Others have said 14 months.  Some earlier, some later.  I do hope that you continue to be unable to take the road opting out.  Is it unbearable.  But we've all borne it and are here for you. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

SoVerySad

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2016, 03:42:59 PM »
LTSL,

I'm sending you some very tight hugs. The pain is tremendous. I often felt like there was no way I could continue to bear another minute of it. I have managed to, but it takes time to lessen. As Mizpah said, that timeframe is different for everyone. One of our members, Wifeless, told me in a post probably very close to when I was at your timeframe to remember that I would not always feel the way I did then. I really held onto those words and can say with some time having passed, he was right. Unfortunately, that doesn't help much with the current pain you are feeling, but I hope it can give you some hope to hold on to. I remember the 5-6 month timeframe being especially difficult for me. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

More hugs...

Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Justin

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2016, 06:35:55 PM »
As the others have written, you are doing the right things. It feels like there is no end to the tortuous hell, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will make progress.


For me, it was like being on a long hike: bone-tired and having to climb a mountain with night falling. I just kept trudging alone along, staring at the bumpy ground trying to remain sure-footed and not stumble. It felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, and then at a few months out I decided to look back and could see that I was making a slow, steady progress. Real progress that gave me hope.


The pain will start to ease, and you will learn how to manage what is there. I am at 21 months now, and although it does still hurt and I am able to have fun and most days are good. (I actually had to stop and do the math on the number of months.) A watershed moment for me was taking a week-long road trip with my daughter at 3 months. A change of scenery and perspective was paramount to my journey toward healing.


In the early days, I actually spent most of my time on the forum (the predecessor to this one) reading posts of those further out than I was. It gave me much-needed hope and the will to do the grief work, just like you are doing now.
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Guaruj

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2016, 07:04:51 PM »
For the first 5 months, I didn't want to go out in public at all. I certainly couldn't go to any restaurants or bars. Sometimes I went to the gym. I would get up early (5:00 AM), visit my wife's grave for 5 or 10 minutes, then get to work by 7:00 AM. I would then leave work early to go home, eat dinner and go to bed early.

I still maintain some of these habits, like getting up early. I visited my wife's grave this morning, as I did on Saturday and Sunday. I'm happy to say that it no longer bothers me to go out in public. :)

Hang in there! Keep us posted.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

LTSLforever

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2016, 12:53:04 AM »
I must keep reading all of your comments and let them sink into my brain.

Yesterday, I completely lost it. I told my mom that I am not going to be around much longer.  Even if I felt that way, I should not have expressed it to her.  I am sick of talking, sick of fighting the pain and sick of the feeling that things will never change.  Losing Steve, combined with something that I am not comfortable publicly sharing but has caused me horrible emotional pain, have put me over the edge.  Maybe I am too early out but I have no hope. 

   

SoVerySad

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2016, 09:19:17 PM »
LTSL,

Do not fault yourself for not feeling hope right now. It is very hard to feel any sense of hope when you are in such tremendous pain. I remember feeling that the only hope I could ever have would require my husband to come back which couldn't happen. So hope wasn't possible at that time. Those of us who have been exactly where you are want you to know we understand how excruciating it is. We also want you to know that we have found a way to keep living, despite the pain. We want to encourage you that while you may not be able to believe it now, you can do it as well. We'll be here to support you as others supported us when we didn't think we could make it either.

Sending you love and tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Amor

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2016, 10:36:39 PM »
"When you find yourself in hell keep going."
Unknown

Kater

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2016, 01:21:45 AM »
LTSL - this is a journey that brings us all to our knees.  I can honestly say I have never had a single suicidal thought in my 45 years of life.  In the last 4 months, since I lost my husband , I have had many.  But I know in my heart it is not the route for me, or any of us, to take. 

I wish I had words to take even a sliver of the pain away, but I know there are no such words.  I can only echo what others have said - I think you are doing the right things and please be patient.  I do really believe that time helps, but in a way where it might be a moment of improvement rather than a gradual process.  What I mean is that I don't think tomorrow will always be better than today, but that one day in the future - maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in a month - you will notice that the weight has lessened.  And maybe you will feel worse again the day following, but it is those days and moments of reprieve that will get us through.

Sending you light and love,
Kate




donswife

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2016, 10:08:06 AM »
 I wish I had words that could take this feeling away
I think we all go deep into if I just stopped living the pain would go away
like others have said when I felt this way I did come here and read and post
even just to put down in words how you feel I hope helped a little
this isnt easy but you are here so keep coming back
take care 
 
My everything

TooSoon

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2016, 03:57:25 PM »
Like mizpah, I don't remember much from before about 8 months.  At 8 months is when I started to feel again and it was not a pretty picture for a while there but it needed to be done.  The good news is that it all softens over time.  It becomes less confusing and less overwhelming and less consuming.  But it will never completely go away.  How can it?  For me, it is the defining punctuation mark of my life (so far - god forbid anything else happens).  There was that life and now there is this life.  I'm sorry you are hurting.  Now is the time to be kind to yourself and just let it wash over you because you can't stop it, run from it, or wish it away.  BUt if you keep putting one foot ahead of the other it does begin to morph into something less raw and less sharp around the edges.  Sending support. 

Jen

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2016, 11:20:01 AM »
((((((HUGS)))))))

I wish I had magic words that would fix it, take away the pain and give you some peace. All I can say is that I know those thoughts all too well. Hold on... you're not alone.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

piecesofapart

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Re: Need the pain to end
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2016, 07:16:31 PM »
Hoping today you've had some moments of hope. Sadly I felt the same way you do- about 2 years ago- I lost my husband of 17 years in Aug. 2013. It's hard to know what to do- but if we carry on..one deep breath at a time we will find a way....wishing you peace...