Author Topic: Four Years  (Read 1667 times)

Alexswife

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Four Years
« on: April 12, 2016, 07:31:08 PM »
Thursday will be four years since our wedding day. We never even celebrated one anniversary. I have been doing alright. My future is looking brighter and everything was going fine until... I went into our house and found our honeymoon suitcases. My wedding jewelry is in my bag. So many memories came rushing through.

My favorite time ever was our honeymoon. We made so many special memories that week. It's still hard for me to think about that time without feeling like I can't breathe.

Four years ago, I was getting ready to be his bride. Now, I'm entertaining the idea of chapter 2 and cleaning out our house. It has been a LONG journey and has taken me a long time to be ok. But tonight I sit here crushed. I miss who we were. I miss him. I miss us. I miss our life. I always will. He was my best friend, my world, my everything.

There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.
 For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. - Hebrews 4:7-8
Alex 1/31/91-7/19/12

Wheelerswife

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2016, 07:46:59 PM »
Hugs, Alexswife.

My heart broke the day you joined the old board.  You and Alex have a beautiful love story that ended so tragically.  I know that these next days will be heartbreaking for you, but I'm seeing hope in your message, too.  I hope that when you are ready, you can find another wonderful man who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.  Alex will always be a part of you, like my guys will always be a part of me.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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SoVerySad

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2016, 10:03:33 PM »
Sending you love and tight hugs, AW. You brought tears to my eyes talking about going through your house finally. It took me a long time to go through T and my house as well. Although we had very different lengths of marriage (I so wish yours could have been much longer), I think we both had really special men that have been so hard to live without.

It is hard to experience exquisitely beautiful memories that can bring you the best feeling and yet be accompanied by so much pain at the same time. Maureen is so right. Alex will always be part of you. You are so lovely inside and out. You deserve much happiness and love.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Torn

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2016, 02:53:52 AM »
Alexswife,
  I'm so sure the flash back to 4 years ago is/was bitter sweet...had to be, I'm sorry..

  But, I'm sure you know, that simply entertaining the thought of love again for you in monumental.
  I'm sure you've accepted the truth that your husband,loved you so much, there's not a doubt he'd want you to feel whole again in love.
    He'll always be with you and journey through time as you lean to find yourself again.
  Bless you and ,like each of us,I wish you the very best. ~ToRn
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

MrsT85

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2016, 12:47:08 PM »
I wish you so much strength as you clean out yours and Alex's home, finding those wedding mementos must be so hard!  :'( ((HUGS))  I've had to move three times in the three years that Tim has been gone, but so much of those types of of really emotional keepsakes (the toasting flutes from our wedding, our cake topper, honeymoon souvenirs...) have stayed boxed up at my Mother's house because I'm honestly just too afraid to face them.  I've had a few instances recently where the pain of missing him has literally taken my breath away, leaving me sobbing and hyperventilating.  I'm so so impressed with your strength and have been years. 

Let me echo was Maureen and SVS said.  You are such a kind and wonderful person.  I remember you were so welcoming and supportive of me (despite and through your own awful pain) when I first joined the YWBB as a broken, barely functional being almost exactly three years ago.  Your Alex loved you so much and would want you to be happy, to share that kindness and grace and love with another who deserved it and who would cherish you as much as he did. 

I'm marrying my own Chapter 2 this summer, and please let me assure you - Tim is still a part of me.  I still think of him all the time and love him as much now as I did the day I married him.  I will always  miss who we were.  Like you two - he was my best friend, my world, my everything.  My relationship now doesn't diminish any of that in the least - it may perhaps to outward appearances, but I know the truth in my heart just like you will. 

Just hugs.  And love.  And support.  You deserve so much happiness.   
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

Mizpah

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2016, 01:27:19 PM »
I'm so sorry.  These things get easier to bear I suppose, but are never less heartbreaking over time.  And not being able to share the stories together, being stuck alone with good memories - it's so hard, to hold it all inside us with no one to share and smile together with over it.  I mean, we can share it with others, but it's not the same.  I'm sorry your future together and his future were stolen.  I hope as you venture forth into a new chapter (I know we call it chapter 2, but I had a few life chapters (no, not counting men - counting life phases) before and during DH, so....), that you find sweetness and love and adoration and protection and happiness.  I hope you're having happy thoughts of the two of you on your lovely honeymoon.  I'm so sorry.  Big hugs.

(I remember your 4th of July post, about your argument (that was you, right? I hope), and I too think back on some instances and am like, "Wow, that really didn't matter.  Why did I act like that?"  We take that into our future with us, and become better.  It's part of their legacy.  I don't know why I'm thinking about that now, in this post, but I am.)
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Alexswife

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2016, 05:04:25 PM »
Thank you all for your support. Today has been awful but coming on here and reading your comforting and hopeful words have helped me.

Around 2:00 today (that's the time we got married) I had a panic attack. I didn't even know what time it was but when I looked and saw, I knew what brought on the panic. My body knew what time it was.

I wish more than anything that I could look into his gorgeous brown eyes and tell him how much I love and adore him.

For the first time ever, I want to watch our wedding video. Praying that watching it doesn't set me back in my grief.

It seems like yesterday and forever at the same time since I joined this group. Y'all have been the best support system. Thank you.
There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.
 For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. - Hebrews 4:7-8
Alex 1/31/91-7/19/12

Jen

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2016, 11:41:31 AM »
No words, just hugs and tears.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Captains wife

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Re: Four Years
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2016, 02:57:38 PM »
Alexswife - how heartfelt and brave that you watched the wedding video on your sadiversary. I haven't ever seen mine (we were saving it for our 3rd wedding anniversary but he died 2 weeks before that one) and I cant yet bring myself to watch it.

As I approach the 4 year mark myself in 2 weeks, I keep thinking - how can it be 4 years since we all came here ?? Sometimes it seems forever ago, sometimes it seems yesterday. And FB keeps posting memories on where I was 4 years ago with my husband so its almost like seeing the build up to my sadiversary.

It makes me sad but the other night I went to a widows/widowers social group and there were so many attendees there who were between 2 and 12 months out and my heart broke for them - I could see how raw the loss still was and it reminded me of how far I have come in these 4 years.
« Last Edit: May 02, 2016, 02:59:38 PM by Captains wife »