Author Topic: 2nd Year is harder  (Read 4736 times)

Sam Fritz

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2nd Year is harder
« on: March 17, 2015, 05:07:03 PM »
Hi All:
I'm new to this forum and have never posted before. I also am still figuring out how this works - how to search, reply, etc. But I wanted to write that the second year was much harder than the first for me. The shock and novelty wears off and everything is more real. It's been almost 2 1/2 years for me now and I cry about my husband's death and miss him now more than I ever did.
Anyone else?

Trying

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2015, 05:49:25 PM »
Welcome to the group no one ever wanted to need.  I hope you find the comfort and support I have.

There is a lot about the second year that is harder.  The first year was all about surviving, I kept thinking "I just have to get through this day" whether it was a holiday, special event, anniversary, all of the firsts.  Then the all of the "firsts" were behind me and I realized that I still had to keep going alone.  Now I am left to figure out my new life and how to start living instead of just surviving.  It's quite daunting  and all the while I still miss him every day. 
You will forever be my always.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2015, 07:27:10 PM »
Yes SF and Trying, I have found year two very difficult. Maybe not harder but hard in a different way but still as difficult. This just all sucks and sometimes I feel so hopeless.  I hate it so much.
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

shan12

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2015, 07:48:21 AM »
Yep.... I am finding the second year even more difficult than the first. I am not really sure why this is so...Nobody in my life has any inkling how much pain I am in on a daily basis or how incredibly fragile I feel. The normal everyday stresses of life just knock me for a loop WAY more that I think they should. I had to put my beloved 14 year old dog down earlier this week... my faithful companion who hasn't left my side since the day my husband died.... I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I KNEW this was coming and yet the added loss just sent me spiraling down to that horrible place we all know about. I received a call from my daughter, who is in college 10 hours away. She was crying about a minor issue (big deal to her), and I comforted and consoled her. Then I got off the phone and lost it.... ended up more upset than she was!!! What is wrong with me??? I know I really need to get myself together, I am just so worn out and tired of the struggle.

TooSoon

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2015, 09:50:12 AM »
Hi there.  This thread is timely; I've just spent the past few days trying to sort out what my latest prolonged meltdown was about.  I passed year two at the beginning for February - so its about 26 months over here.  In year two I pulled myself together.  It is still no walk in the park but I owned it, this life that got foisted on me.  And I started living again.  Imperfectly but living to the extent that I could experience real joy and be present in the moment and trust in a future.  In year two I let go of pointing fingers and of expectations and anger.  In year two I forced myself to face some things that needed changing.  As I put it to someone the other day, I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop for the first time in a long time! 

Most importantly, I learned to accept that some things in life just suck simply because they suck.  They don't suck because Scott died.  They suck because that's just life.  Some things are just a condition of being alive not a condition of being widowed.  For me, and I am just one person, that was a major epiphany that sort of jolted me out of my longtime mind set. 


Jen

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2015, 10:16:36 AM »

Most importantly, I learned to accept that some things in life just suck simply because they suck.  They don't suck because Scott died.  They suck because that's just life. 

This is precisely what I'm trying to come to terms with. Not having a lot of luck, but I'm working on it.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

tableforone

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2015, 10:20:52 AM »
The second year was very difficult for me as well. It seemed that I had worked so hard to get through the first year and somehow had thought that year two would provide some relief. It didn't. The loneliness was ever present. Year three was much easier. Hold on.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2015, 08:56:10 PM »
I'll hold on, the alternate is not an option. It still sucks though.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Mr C

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2015, 03:04:52 AM »
I am now at 13 months. The tide of grief had been rising for over a week and the waves finally came crashing down with a vengeance this weekend. They felt as strong as ever and really sucked the life out of me. I am hoping that was the end of this round.

I have so much I want to accomplish that is right in front of me. But I have been tripping over this grief again and it is so demoralizing.
Mrs.C, You have been my Sweetheart, Best Friend and Love since 1987. You will be my Wife forever and ever and ever. Love Always, Mr. C

littlebirdie

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2015, 09:19:03 AM »
Yes, the second year was harder. All of the small things that he used to handle really got to me, and it was during this time period that I realized that this is how my life is going to be forever. It was really difficult to come to terms with that fact. I will hit the three year mark four months from today, and the third year has been a whole lot better for me. Not easy, but a lot less sucky.

Carey

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2015, 09:38:26 AM »
16 months to the day today. I agree, year 2 seems worse. It makes the "foreverness" of him being gone more real, if that makes any sense at all. So much of year one was shock and survival, frantically trying to move and handle finances and just cover the hole with a bandaid.  Shock protects us from more than I think I ever knew, and when it's gone the reality is harsh.  This doesn't have an end to it. it's ALWAYS going to be there.  He's NEVER coming home.  Finality speaks volumes when you're forced to face it.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

Gabzmom

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2015, 12:53:58 PM »
I agree.  The second year seemed to be harder for me.  I became acutely aware of the finality of it all during the second year.  I at nearly 33 months. 
"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry." ~Cat Stevens

Eddienhp

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2015, 01:13:50 PM »
3-1/2 years for me. First year I was just numb and surviving. Like someone posted, just trying to get through significant dates (anniversary, birthday, etc). Second year around 18 months was tough. Reality hit. This is what my life had become. It wasn't pretty. I am thankful to have my kids who needed someone to help them so I had to be an active participant in life. We went places and had fun but deep inside me there was overwhelming sadness. That mostly dissipated around the 3rd anniversary. Now I feel I can be joyous again. I remember my husband without the sadness and pain associated to him.
E
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

CBB

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2015, 08:52:03 PM »
Right there with all of you. The second year has been a real suckfest! Just when I think I have this figured out, the grief monster grabs me and pulls the rug out from under me again. 22 long months and counting..It has to get better, right? 
I am different! How could I not be?

MamaZ

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Re: 2nd Year is harder
« Reply #14 on: March 27, 2015, 06:53:33 AM »
I am just entering year 9, now. Year 2 was awful for me! I had somewhat gotten my kids through year one, and managed to not burn the house down (widda brain), BUT had not been able to work through my own grief yet. Society withdrew its support after completion of the magical first year. I was alone, no longer cocooned by shock, and REALLY feeling it. It stunk, big time.

I will say that I learned to roll with the waves, and started chiseling out a new life for myself, in time. It sounds cliche to say it gets better, but oddly, it does, despite not getting my wish (him back).