Author Topic: Second time loss  (Read 1346 times)

arneal

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Second time loss
« on: April 29, 2016, 01:08:23 PM »
Hello. I found this site through a blog and am very grateful. I lost my second husband on February 1 of this year after an extended period of illness. He had been fighting congestive heart failure since 1999, had survived prostate cancer, survived being intubated last spring, and survived fistula surgery in the fall since the doctors said his kidneys were in trouble. His kidneys held in so he never went on dialysis. They diagnosed him with the flu when he went to the hospital the Saturday before he died. We talked each day since we had decided it would not be good if I caught the flu from him. We talked Monday morning and he said he was tired, that he wanted to rest and would call me later. The next call that afternoon early was from the doctor, telling me he was gone.

I have my moments of being 'okay' (whatever that means) but then something happens and I cry hard for a while. I've done everything I can at this point in an automatic sort of way. I went through the death of my first husband 17 years ago, but that was very different. That was not a good relationship, I was young, my son was small ... this time, I've had to say good-bye to my best friend.

Yet, I am hopeful. For what, I can't say. I'm somewhere in between wanting to move forward but am unsure how.

Thank you for being there. I hope I didn't share too much? Haven't really had anyone to talk to about this sort of thing ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Mrskro

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2016, 01:23:13 PM »
Aneal

I am so sorry you are going through this again;  I have no words except hugs and I'm sorry. 

One thing though, there is no such this as too much sharing here.  There are a ton of supportive people that understand at least a little what you are going through.  I'm sure our second time widows will chime in with better words than me.


Wheelerswife

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2016, 04:48:13 PM »
Hello from another who has been widowed twice.  I lost my first husband about 6 1/2 years ago after a long decline, also after having been hospitalized for extended periods in the last 16 months of his life.  I lost my second husband unexpectedly a little over 2 years ago after a short and adventure-filled marriage. My experiences of my two losses are very different, and although I knew what to expect after losing a spouse, in many ways it still didn't prepare me for the challenge of trying to figure out how to live without my second husband.  I already knew how to handle the paperwork and making arrangements.  I had much less success in coping with my own broken heart.  But...there are people in my life, some of them on here, who have held me up when I was pretty darned low.  And it seems like there is only one way to keep living after loss...which is to put one foot in front of the other, however difficult that is in the moment, and to keep breathing one day, or one hour, or one minute, or even just one second at a time if that is all you can handle in the moment.

I'm sorry you had to renew your membership to the club that nobody wants to belong to.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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arneal

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2016, 09:02:24 PM »
Thank you both -- it's good to know I can openly share.

My stepdaughter sent me a video of the celebration of life they held back east (we're in Southern California and had one here, but we agreed that she would take his ashes back so he could be buried with his parents) and I watched it today. It was already a low sort of day but that did me in. My eyes are still swollen from crying and other than that sense of missing him, I can't say what it is. Sad doesn't cover it. Like you, Wheeler's wife, I knew what to do, it's the living without the other half of my heart that's weird. I walk around the house, talking to the dogs, talking to Christopher in my head, because it feels like nobody else would understand what it is I want to say about a thing I saw on TV or something that happened with work.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Amor

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2016, 02:04:17 PM »
(((Arneal)))
I wish you peace and glad you are trying to find it.
Amor

arneal

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2016, 02:32:09 PM »
Thank you, Amour!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Jen

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2016, 09:19:00 AM »
Oh, hugs, hugs. I am so, so sorry. Peace to you...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

arneal

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Re: Second time loss
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2016, 12:24:41 PM »
Thank you, Jen. I realize I was mourning for some time as he got sicker. I want to find myself in a strong relationship again and am grateful for encouraging friends and family. My mother is in my corner on this point, which is very inspiring to me. I am concerned about how my son and stepdaughter will feel when I tell them I'm looking ... they don't live with me so I have time ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b