My husband lived with congestive heart failure for 17 years. Whenever we saw his primary doctor, she would say hevwas a miracle because people don't tend to stick around for that long. He had a pacemaker, was a prostate cancer survivor for almost nine years, had been intubated after a severe infection last spring, had kidney issues and fistula surgery last fall, and was going for pericentesis every week for about two months. He was feeling more poorly than usual, went to hospital, was diagnosed with the flu on top of everything else, and didn't come home. In an instant, I went from full-time work outside the house to stay at home worker, primary wage earner, and caregiver to widow.
I am taking care of myself as best I can; I have to pay my own insurance so it's tough on the budget and I don't go to the doctor much to avoid the copay. However, as has been said on a few other threads, I have mourned for years now. I am happy that my Christopher is not in discomfort or sick anymore and that he is with God, but I am sad and lonely without him. I am irritated at him because he had once said that he didn't want me to be alone if he were to go and I scoffed at the idea. Now that I am not filling the wall calendar with trips to the doctor and juggling my work around them, I find myself pondering the potential of trying to connect with someone. But I feel too ... scarred? empty? exhausted? afraid? I am not particularly social in that I am very much an introvert. My husband understood and accepted that about me. It's hard to think there is anyone else could.
Is it typical to feel so conflicted after caregiving ends? My first husband died suddenly so this is my first experience with caregiving.
