Author Topic: Trust  (Read 2568 times)

mikeeh

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Trust
« on: March 17, 2015, 08:11:33 PM »
Being my first official post on the new, new board I must first thank those wonderful people who stepped up and started a new board for us.  I was not very active on the old YWBB board lately but almost losing the forum I guess has spurred me onto be more active and 'coming home'.

I am 21 month in this new 'life' of mine.  Just a few months shy of finishing year two.   A couple pieces have just fallen into place and I realized that I don't think I could ever trust anyone enough to not be alone again.  I think that many of us have experienced the loss of friends or distancing of family out of awkwardness or fear about what you are going through or hae gone through.   I think maybe mine was an extreme circumstance.

During the 5 years of my wife's illness I heard little or nothing from any of my friends or family.  In the later years when he decline was significant and care giving much more hands on and involved I heard nothing from my family or my friends.  As a result when I finally lost my wife I decided that I would keep in touch with all of those who were there for me and there for my wife during her illness and eventual death.   For those keeping score at home that would be nobody.  I have not talked to any of my siblings for over a year and a half.  My 'friends' I have not heard from or wanted to hear from since the funeral.

It has just recently dawned on me that the result of this betrayal is that I don't think I will ever trust anybody to any significant degree again.  Not only in establishing new friendships for just hanging out and doing anything, but also for any other 'soulmate' or partner that I would hope to find to spend my life with. 

The actual realization that I will be alone for the rest of my life is quite the bummer.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Trust
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2015, 08:53:03 PM »
Mike,

You know yourself better than anyone and will do what is right for you.  You know me, too, and you know some of my attitudes about life.  I hate being miserable and unhappy and some day, I hope to find a new special someone because I'm not meant to be alone.  Perhaps some of us are...but I'm willing to take that chance again.  I know you've been burned by family and friends, more so than I have.  I might feel the same way if I wore your size 10's.

Glad you are here.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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BrokenHeart2

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Re: Trust
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2015, 01:11:02 AM »
Hey Mike
I too have been very burned but I still have faith that there are people out there that will be kind to my heart. I just have to be more guarded than I used to be. Please don't give up on us or people in general. There are still some good folks out there. Trust your instincts.
Hugs to you Mike
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Jen

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Re: Trust
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2015, 08:33:16 AM »
Trust is a huge issue for me. HUGE. After 13 years in a very toxic marriage, I was sure I had lost all ability to ever trust anyone again. Never say never, I guess... my Jim found me, and he never gave me a minute's cause to doubt him. He was my rock-- I tested the limits, I kept expecting him to let me down. I was positive the other shoe would drop, but it never did... until the day he died and left me shattered. I had finally relaxed, learned to trust that he would always be there-- and then he wasn't, and I went straight back to square one. :-\

I was exactly where you are-- convinced I could never regain a capacity to trust anybody. I was shocked to find out it wasn't true. I have managed to find one person-- a dear friend, maybe the best I've ever had-- hell, no maybe about it-- that I've been able to let into my heart and allow myself to trust completely. That is a priceless gift, and one I will always treasure.

It doesn't fix the "will I always be alone?" fear. I still want to be half of a pair again-- I don't know that I'll ever feel truly whole without that. But I have at least one person I can count on, and that goes a long way toward making me feel secure enough to keep going.

So many hugs, Mike. I can't honestly believe you'll always be alone, or that I will, or any of us here. We have too much love inside of us to let it go to waste. Hold on, okay?
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Mizpah

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Re: Trust
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2015, 10:45:04 AM »
I completely understand getting rid of false friends/family.  I did too, but my Simon was killed in an accident so I had no protracted time for people to suck - they sucked pretty immediately or didn't. 

I hope you'll remember this important part though when thinking about future partners, if that's something you deep down want in your life: YOU were there for her.  And likely, if the roles had been reversed, she'd have been there for you.  With love and caring.  So the tally isn't zero; it's two.  Which means there may be hope that there are others. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Captains wife

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Re: Trust
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2015, 11:53:36 AM »
Your post on Trust resonated with me and I am sorry you have gone through this. I have serious trust issues I am trying to overcome - not only did I lose my husband suddenly but I felt abandoned by alot of people (including certain family members) after he died, and then I also found out some "secrets" my husband was keeping from me when I went through his stuff 4 months after he died. So I initially tried to reason with myself that I dont need anyone except me and my toddler son. Yet, as I drift through widowhood, I have realised that I needed to let people in a little bit more and I am trying hard to trust again. But its not easy...by a long shot. There is also a part of me that thinks I will be alone too, over the long run but I am trying to change that because I know deep down that isnt what I really want. Wishing you all the best,

Kamcho

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Re: Trust
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2015, 08:24:38 PM »
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« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 07:29:37 AM by Kamcho »

ThalginsLuv

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Re: Trust
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2015, 02:08:10 AM »
I am on the "I hate people" band wagon too. When your loved one is gone or sick you get inundated with all the bullshit of:
- just call if you need anything
- I am so sorry for your loss... what can i do...
- I am here and just a phone call away...

... and so on. Then when you DO call, all of these phone "do- gooders" just seem to vaporize. It's like the freak out because they didn't actually expect YOU to call so if they can ignore your or pretend you don't exists then you will just go away. Sometimes I feel like we are the diseased ones. You know that widowhood is contagious or something.

I can now see why it is to easy for people to fall into the sway of cults, communes, and such. Hell I think I want to start my own cult and keep these phony asses out!

littlebirdie

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Re: Trust
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2015, 07:41:54 AM »
People suck. The good ones are the exception, but they're totally worth the risk. I know it's hard though. Getting your heart trampled is no fun.

mikeeh

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Re: Trust
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2015, 08:37:26 PM »
I often think that I don't really expect much of people.   Yet I find that no matter how low my expectations are of people they manage to continue to fall short.

I guess the only way to not be disappointed or hurt would be to not expect anything from anyone and not let them get in a position to hurt or disappoint me. 

Sure sounds like a lonely life but that may be just the question of lonely with periodic bouts of pain or  just lonely.

AC

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Re: Trust
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2015, 08:46:26 PM »
This is a really tough one for me for a variety of reasons.  Life is really all about weighing costs and benefits and trying to make the best choices based on what our goals are and what we know of how things tend to work.

With regards to trust I have a theory that seems brilliant to me.  It's just a theory - I try to put it into practice, but for me that is a tough thing to do.  I agree that to some extent people can be a huge disappointment.  On the other hand, I don't want to live in isolation and even the most disappointing person has much to offer.  The trick for me is to manage expectations.  There are people I look to for compassion and understanding.  Others I look to for a tough dose of reality when needed.  Possibly my favorite are those who just make me laugh and feel happy - even if it is just in the moment.  NOTE - I did not say those are the most important or useful people, just my own personal favorite ;)

So in life, I if I need comforting, I look to certain people.  If I need a laugh, I look to others.  If I need a swift kick in the butt - I call my family  :o  Some people excel in many areas - some seem to have more difficulty.  That's just life.

I refuse to give up on humanity.  At the same time, I am not here to just play the sucker.  I think it is true that we are all responsible for our own happiness.  Part of that for me personally is doing the best I can to recognize the unique strengths and weaknesses of individuals in my life and to manage my expectations accordingly.  As with most things, this is a work in progress.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2015, 01:52:22 AM by AC »

Kamcho

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Re: Trust
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2015, 10:10:16 AM »
I don't want this to sound like sparkly fairy dust bull crap, so please excuse me if it ends up like that...

I've discovered that the most difficult and important relationship I have us with myself. Good relationships with worthy people, for me, have happened organically, with many dry spells of solitude. I once removed myself from an entire group of friends because I finally feared loneliness less than the toxic effect of staying in contact with those people.

None of it is easy. :( I do have a degree of detachment to people I trust now, but it's not as much mistrust anymore as accepting that the only person I have any control over is me. If other people hurt me and I don't communicate it's on me, or not, if the hurt removes the possibility of a continued relationship. If I do communicate and they don't respect my boundaries, it's on me to decide whether or not to continue. Most people and drama isn't worth it.

I'm enjoying people in the now, knowing full we that they may bail. I don't make deep friendship pacts anymore bc past experience has shown me I'm not a fortune teller.


I often think that I don't really expect much of people.   Yet I find that no matter how low my expectations are of people they manage to continue to fall short.

I guess the only way to not be disappointed or hurt would be to not expect anything from anyone and not let them get in a position to hurt or disappoint me. 

Sure sounds like a lonely life but that may be just the question of lonely with periodic bouts of pain or  just lonely.

TooSoon

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Re: Trust
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2015, 10:20:46 AM »
I guess the only way to not be disappointed or hurt would be to not expect anything from anyone and not let them get in a position to hurt or disappoint

This is my MO with, perhaps, one exception - my significant other who has never once let me down and who has patiently permitted me my own pace in opening up again.  But everyone else? Not so much.  At the beginning I took perceived slights and real disappointments very much to heart but as with so many things on this journey, I have found a lot of peace in letting go of expectations.  It feels good!

SimiRed

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Re: Trust
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2015, 02:07:46 PM »
Mikeeh,

Just know that I understand what you are saying.  I think a lot of us lost family and friends, especially the ones that made promises they never kept.  Trust, not sure I will ever trust again either, for reasons that you mention above and for other reasons that I deal with now.

Maybe one day in my life that will change, but it would have to be someone who is extremely willing to prove it to me... over and over and over, just so I "get" it! 

I build my walls too, it's easier that way.
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.