Author Topic: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\  (Read 3267 times)

Mizpah

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2016, 12:21:03 PM »
I'm thinking of you Jen.  I hope something good happens in your life really soon.  I'm sending hugs and love.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Jen

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #16 on: May 14, 2016, 07:35:20 AM »
I want to thank you all for listening to me, and for responding... it means more than you know. My world looks so bleak most of the time, it's easy for me to forget that I'm not alone. I feel as though I've given all I have to give, and I feel too guilty to take, so I just stay quiet.

I can't do this anymore. Something has to change. I can't continue to exist in misery and despair-- I have to find some way to live. I just have no clue what that is.

I try to find things to look forward to, but they're few and far between. If I had the money and no responsibility, I would throw some things in the car and just drive-- see the country, maybe get some perspective and a place to start over. But that's not possible, so I have to do it here, somehow.

I keep thinking of that Dixie Chicks song-- "She needs wide-open spaces, room to make a big mistake, she needs new places... "

I can't be this anymore. I'm killing myself by degrees. There must be something more. MUST be. I just don't know where else to look.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Jen

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #17 on: May 14, 2016, 02:48:58 PM »
I think... I honestly think... I'm just done. No more, please.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

LTSLforever

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2016, 10:59:23 PM »
Jen - I can relate to that pain.  I can relate to I can't do this anymore.  Those words frequently come out of my mouth.  The last few days I have been so low and I see no way out of the pain. I have a therapist who really cares and has told me to call him if I need him.  However, I can't even make that phone call.  The pain/depression causes me to isolate and I don't feel comfortable bothering my therapist when it is not my time.  Of course, he told me it is fine to call him. Do I call him during those super lows - NO.   When we feel we can't do this anymore, we need to remember that not every day/hour/minute will be this bad.  I am not working and I don't have kids (except for 2 wonderful feline children - they give me a reason to live) but I am still overwhelmed by the pain.  I am wishing us both and everybody on this board some light in the future.

Jen

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2016, 07:21:20 AM »
I do try to tell myself, in the lowest moments, that it will pass. And it does, eventually... I won't go so far as to say as I'm okay today, but I'm better than I was when I posted yesterday. I'm grateful for that, at least.

(((HUGS))) Hopefully the light will come, and soon.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

LTSLforever

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2016, 07:31:42 AM »
I really understand you.  I don't know if I will ever be okay.

Just want to let you know that you are wonderful.  Before I registered for the site and began posting, I used to come here and read.  Your words always made an impact on me.  You help me to not feel so alone and that is so important!

Trying

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2016, 07:35:45 AM »
Jen you have so many of us in your corner, cheering you on and wishing you peace. I'm glad to hear that today is a little better. Hold onto that and keep searching for things that bring you moments of happiness so you can begin to string those moments together. I have been exploring many alternative treatments to depression with my education and am more open to looking outside the box. If you are open to this I suggest you look outside the traditional medical model to supplement what you are already doing to treat your depression. There is no one single answer that fits everyone but I believe there is an answer for each of us.

As always, sending you hugs.
You will forever be my always.

Joey

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2016, 02:23:26 PM »
Jen,

I've been around here for almost 2 years (also a YWBB transplant). During this time, I often read, but seldom post. But when I saw this thread, I simply could not resist taking a moment to let you know how very "by-my-side" you have been through this whole ordeal, even if you don't even know it.

Please include me on the long list of wids who wish to offer a hug and say "thank you".
"The winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so
When love is pain it can devour you, you are never alone"
In The Light
Led Zeppelin

Taurus

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2016, 05:06:23 AM »
I think... I honestly think... I'm just done. No more, please.
Hi Jen,
I've lost count of the number of times in the last 14 months when I've felt exactly the same. Staying awake til early morning because the release of sleep never arrives..falling asleep only to wake up 2 hours later..the cycle repeating night after night. In the daytime I would visit my beloved's grave and just sit there and talk to her..on her birthday in February we visited her with a birthday cake and...on Mother's Day...

Night time has always been the most difficult part of the day and still is. But I now just lie in bed and reminisce, reading and re-reading the paperbacks she stacked up on her side of our bedroom which has remained unchanged since she was hospitalised. I just cannot bring myself to change anything..the pain, the emptiness, at times the hatred against the injustice of it all...in time, maybe. I'm in no hurry..

April

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2016, 08:14:33 AM »
Jen,

You should take that drive.. it doesn't have to be too far.. nothing heals my soul more then seeing God's beautiful work.. whenever I'm feeling stressed.. or worried.. I pass the time with a long drive... usually to the ocean.. I could just stare at that gorgeous horizon for hours and get lost in thought.. sometimes I just drive to get lost.. to see where the road will take me (I know GPS will bring me back).


kjs1989

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2016, 10:09:33 PM »
Jen,  I am so sorry.  So many of us get it.

Until very recently, I hadn't cried for a long time. The magnitude of this loss often feels too big for tears.

But last week, the kids and I lost what felt like our final connection to D, our 12 year old dog. He was D's dog, his  buddy who never left my avid outdoors-man's side. Boz grieved too, when D died. He slept by his side of the bed for weeks. He was a just a dog, but it felt like he carried my husband's energy in his dog soul. We all felt it. And now Boz is gone. My daughter and I sat on her bed and wailed. The scarred over wounds have been ripped wide open again.

 These past 3 1/2 years I feel like I keep climbing the stairs; every day I climb the stairs, a few at a time, and then I retreat back down a few at a time, up a few, then down a few, and then there are the times like now, where I have fallen all the way back down the damn stairs and here I lie at the bottom, broken, for days on end. Eventually I have to start climbing those stairs again. But no matter how hard try, I just don't think I will ever get to the top. This journey SUCKS and I just want to go home, but I can't.

I read another thread today, where a veteran poster from this site made the assertion that we should be ashamed if we say this is not fair, that we are acting like children to make such statements. Well ya know what?? I am not ashamed to say it is not fair. I am not ashamed to whine about it, I am not ashamed to be authentic because I get so damn sick of faking it all the time and I am not about to grieve according to someone else's smug guidelines because they got it all figured out.

I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and forge ahead up the damn stairs because I have to, but on MY time frame.  We can do this, Jen. Hang on to my hand  and everybody else's on this site who gets it. We will climb the stairs together and catch each other when we stumble. It is okay to be down at the bottom of the steps for however long it takes to find the strength to just go up one or two. There are people at every step, forging their own journeys, who will help you. Just ask.

HUGE HUGS
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 09:05:21 PM by kjs1989 »

Jen

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Re: Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\
« Reply #26 on: May 21, 2016, 02:28:30 PM »
Hugs. More hugs. Thank you all. Thank you. <3 <3 <3
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton