Specific Situations > Young Widow/ers with No Children

Mother's Day

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Jess:
I hate Mother's Day. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. About four years ago, I had a miscarriage 3 days before Mother's Day. It was a hard time for my husband and I and we never got to the point where we felt emotionally recovered enough to try again. Then he died.

Mother's day is the day I mourn for the family I was supposed to have, so I thought, but wasn't meant to be. Instead I lost it all.

I hate Mother's Day.

Blue14:
I am so sorry for your loss. I hate it too. I could never get pregnant despite years of trying. Each Mother's Day is a stab in the heart that is even worse since I lost Bob. If we'd been able to have a child at least I'd still have a piece of him and would still be part of a family. Big hugs to you.

Tatianakm:
Jess, oh how I know all too well that nagging feeling on Mother's Day! For years I hated it, as if it was a slap in the face, a notion that somehow I was a less of a woman, damaged goods. I wanted to have a child so much!  After several attempts at trying, some setbacks and heartbreaks along the way, one very wise nurse once told me that I needed to do what was the hardest things for me- give up control and put my trust in my doctors and just go with the flow. Being used to be a decision maker personally and professionally, sometimes a control freak, it was very hard. But I realized that I could not influence an outcome, just had to trust and hope for the best. I became pregnant at 40 and gave birth to an adorable baby girl at 41. Unfortunatly, my first Mother's Day I am facing alone with my 3 months old daughter, in deep grief and still having to give up that control. Grief is beyond my control...still hate Mother's Day.

On a positive note, for you starting a different phase of your life, motherhood can be a very real possibilty, if you still like to pursue it. You can PM me if and when you would like more details and advice about that journey.

MrsT85:

--- Quote from: Jess on May 08, 2016, 08:30:30 PM ---
Mother's day is the day I mourn for the family I was supposed to have, so I thought, but wasn't meant to be. Instead I lost it all.


--- End quote ---

Tim and I were waiting until he finished his teaching degree to start a family - he would have been done in May 2013, we were planning to have one more care-free summer together, and then I'd start trying to get pregnant in early September 2013 right after I turned 28.  I'm a type 1 diabetic so even a best-case-scenerio pregnancy would be high-risk, so I really really wanted to have a child before 30 to try to limit the risks to myself and the baby-that-never-was.

He died April 2013.  Less than a month before he finished the teaching degree he had spent the past 6+ years chipping away on and less than six months before we had planned on starting to have a baby.  I had literally just stopped taking birth control pills a month or so before his accident to try to get my body back into the regular hormonal swing of things...it made the timing of everything feel even more unimaginably cruel than it already was.  I never wanted children before I met Tim, but he was such an amazing person that I changed my mind and couldn't wait to see what a combination of our two brains and hearts could produce.  We'd even picked out names - Morgan Margaret for a little girl and Ian Jacob for a little boy.  He would have been such an incredible father, and it certainly adds a special twinge to my grief to know that the world will never see the wonderful person he and I could have created together. 


--- Quote from: Tatianakm on May 08, 2016, 10:17:23 PM ---On a positive note, for you starting a different phase of your life, motherhood can be a very real possibilty, if you still like to pursue it.
--- End quote ---

I guess for me thinking things like this really isn't much of a comfort.  Yes - I may still have time to be a mother, but that's not really the point.  The point was to have HIS baby.  To start a family with HIM.  Like Blue14 said before me, if we had the chance to become parents together "I'd still have a piece of him."   

((HUGS))   

Mizpah:
A widow friend of mine put it best when she said, "All of our babies died when he died."  The babies they never got to have, the babies DH and I never got to have, and all of you too.  One of the hardest parts of losing him was knowing there was no piece of him left in this world.  Even though I now have a daughter (with a widower), it breaks my heart that he never got to be a father (he was a ball of love - he would've been amazing at it), that there's no living being who may have his eyes or that one mannerism or anything.  His native language was Hebrew, and he never wanted me to learn, because he wanted to have a secret language with our kids.  We were about to start "trying."  Every time we walked past a reflective surface - a mirror, a storefront, water - he'd grab me and make me look at us and say, "Look how beautiful our babies will be."  Sigh.  All our babies died when he died. 

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