Author Topic: Self-destruction  (Read 1544 times)

CappysWidow

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Self-destruction
« on: May 09, 2016, 03:09:36 PM »
How do you deal with it. It will be 6 months on Thursday...it is also his mothers birthday that day and our daughters birthday the day before.

I had a tendency to do (or not to do) at work to get myself fired or sent home even before Adam died. This time it's worse. On Friday I stayed home and didn't call in...I didn't care. I still don't but went to work today anyways. All I want to do, or be is drug myself. Not to OD or anything but to not hurt anymore. Just to be numb. Even worse I am trying to figure out if and how I can be drugged at work (I sit at a desk all day with little human interaction).

How do you deal? How do you get yourself out of this?

Wife of Tomasz

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2016, 04:13:47 PM »
Hi CappysWidow,
I don't have any advise for you. I don't really know how to stop the self destruction. I just wanted to say that I do it too (I am at almost 8 month). I want so bad to get fired. Having to get up in the morning day in and day out and face another day is so exhausting, but I know that if I was to be let go things would only get worse for me. At least I eat on the days that I go to work. For the first 5 month I used to show up hungover or still drunk a lot, have not done that in some time. I am hoping that its something that will get better on its own with time. I drink less now. I don't take meds besides for anxiety when I need it. I hope you will find something that works for you, and hopefully your workplace is understanding as mine is. Hugs.
 

Mrskro

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2016, 07:27:42 AM »
CappysWidow;

I didn't think of it as self destruction;  more as my give a damn is broken.   It's hard to care about work and the mundane day to day.   The firsts were the hardest.   My only advice is to do the things that need to get done.  The rest can wait.   Be kind to yourself.  Many have found counselling helpful.   This is a shitty road none of us asked for.   

LTSLforever

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2016, 10:11:43 AM »
Hi CappysWidow,

I am in the same time period as you - my 6th month was last week.  Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you.  I use Xanax to escape the pain; plus I am an antidepressant (all prescribed by a psychiatrist).  I wrote about my struggles in almost 6 months (I think that's the title).  Reading your post, I can feel the pain and that pain sucks beyond belief.  How do we go on?  How do we keep putting one foot in front of the other?  I am in therapy and attend a bereavement support group.  I took a few weeks off of therapy/group because I wanted to give up.  All the talking in the world (as well as medication) was not going to bring my love back to me.  Currently, trying to figure out a way to survive.  What is keeping me going is knowing that Steve lives on through me, and that I must live for him. 

Mizpah

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2016, 10:53:08 AM »
I was scared of how badly I felt, how dark.  It gave me the opposite urge: everything was so dark inside, that I tried to make everything around me as good/light/healthy as possible.  I ran a lot.  I worked out.  I spent as much time as possible outside in sunshine.  I didn't drink - things were naturally so bad, I was scared to introduce any chemicals at all into me, especially depressants.  I embraced routine.  I did lots and lots of therapy (twice a week at first, then once a week).  Once I stabilized a bit, after over a year, I allowed myself a little more regular life and flexibility.  In my opinion, you have to let yourself fall apart a little, or else it's all bottled up and toxic.  But you also have to kick your own @$$ a little and force yourself to set yourself up for surviving/thriving/healthiness so you don't compound the already huge misery that we were thrust into.  Just IMHO. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Mizpah

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2016, 10:56:04 AM »

I had a tendency to do (or not to do) at work to get myself fired or sent home even before Adam died.

Maybe you want out of this job and it is only compounded/magnified by grief.  Have you thought about looking for a new one?  The timing is bad - I can't imagine interviewing for a job 6 months out, but I also couldn't have imagined moving at 5 months out, and I was forced to and it was ok. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Amor

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2016, 12:27:56 PM »
It will be awhile until you start feeling like anything else does matter. Remember your brain is over loaded with grief, pain, anger, trying to figure out a new way of living. Start one step at a time when you are ready to build your new life. The fog will start to clear in time and you will care more than now. Perception of what you care about and the degree will now change. Try to make the best choies you can.
Amor

Sugarbell

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Re: Self-destruction
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2016, 07:15:39 AM »
Please be careful. Not everyone is prone to addiction...I spent my first 4 years of widdahood drugged out of my mind in a purple haze. It ultimately almost killed me.

Looking back...I realize I needed more positive coping skills. I agree with spending as much time as possible outdoors...working out also helps...only doing what you have to do and nothing extra. Getting plenty of sleep. Antidepressants can also be a lifesaver.

The pain is raw and deep..and all I wanted to do is stay outta my mind to be numb to it. But trust me...if you don't work though it now...it will catch up and you may have to work through it years down the road. I know it bites..but you can and will get through this
B.W.H. 9/24/2007