Author Topic: Lifes unrealistic expectation  (Read 5406 times)

Trying

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2016, 07:25:46 AM »
Portside, I have to agree with SVS. 

Taking positive actions and choosing to focus on today and my future has been helpful for me but I do recognize that it's not always possible for everyone. Depression, physical illness, lack of support, financial insecurity, PTSD and a host of other reasons can complicate the grief process and there is no shame in that. 

I think it's important to share positive stories to lend hope to those earlier in their grief process but for someone who is suffering with depression these stories can be triggering. For those who feel hopeless, depressed or just plain stuck I encourage you to seek help. Don't give up if your first few attempts to find help are unsuccessful, keeping trying a different therapist, a different medication, alternative options. There is no shame in needing help or extra time to manage your grief and managing your grief and finding contentment in your life is not disrespectful to the spouse you lost.

You will forever be my always.

hachi

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2016, 07:33:00 AM »

About feelings and being ashamed of them if you have them....



I have always believed that you can't control your feelings, you can only control what you do about them. So don't be ashamed of them, just face them and see what you are supposed to learn.

I found this article interesting, though pretty long and hard to get through.

http://pathwork.org/lectures/the-self-regulating-nature-of-involuntary-processes/


About depression and choosing to be sad. I am not sure if this is an unfortunate choice of words. April said that she can't understand it and that is pretty clear in this statement:

" I hope if I ever do find myself within those dark shadows with no will to go on that I take the proper steps to get myself help.. "

In my experience, when you are in this place, you can't get out of bed, let alone seek help... 
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

LTSLforever

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2016, 07:55:10 AM »
So Very Sad, Jen, Trying, Hachi

Your comments made me cry - in a good way.  You all understand.  After reading some of the earlier posts, I started to believe this forum was a very unsafe place for me.  I have depression, anxiety, PTSD (from watching Steve die) and complicated grief.  There are lots of issues surrounding Steve's illness and death that have completely destroyed me.  There are days that just getting out of bed or making a phone call is difficult for me. There are days when filling my feline kids water bowls seems like too hefty a task.  Thankfully, I have days when the pain is not as severe and I am able to function fairly well.  But when it hits, it hits so hard I just can't take the pain.  As Steve was getting sicker, my mom was also very sick. Shortly after Steve died, my mom was diagnosed with leukemia.  Unfortunately, I can't see the wonderful in anything right now because there is no wonderful in my mind.

April

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2016, 09:25:52 AM »
Quote
"Although I can not wrap my head around mental illness.. depression.. drug addiction etc.. I do recognize and respect that it so very real for so many people.. including some of my own loved ones.. I don't understand why people chose to be sad.. chose to be addicts etc.. it is a darkness I don't understand and pray to God I am never shown first hand.  I feel so bad for people that can't bring themselves out of sadness."

My first paragraph.. I'm in no way belittling anyone or their feelings.. I'm stating.. I don't understand.. and wish to never experience it.

What I don't understand is the sensitivity and defensiveness.. There are lots of diseases that are misunderstood.. for instance Type I and type II diabetes (my sister, niece and great nephew have type I).. they do not get offended when people don't understand that it's not their eating habits that gave them the disease.. that they were born with it.. that it's an autoimmune disease..  it simply gets explained.. some people are open to listen and eventually understand.. some people still don't get it and say treat it with better diet and exercise. .. I am open to listen.. what brought you to such a darkened place.. I've heard the place being described.. but never your road to it.. does it start with sadness and just steam roll to a state of non-functioning? Or is it something you are predisposed to or born with?

I know all these mental conditions are real.. my husband suffered from war related PTSD (he would never in a million years admit it.. because to him that would be admitting weakness).. He would have night terrors.. flinch in his sleep because he was dreaming he was being shot at.. he felt the lives he took haunted him.. he felt the lives he couldn't save haunted him (he was a combat medic).. He had flashbacks and warned me to never wake him up when they happen because I was not a part of that scenario and he is afraid of what he would do.. he stashed knives EVERYWHERE!!  I had to call before coming home so I didn't get greeted at the door with a 12 inch machete.. I made sure that I entered the house before the kids because I didn't know what they could be walking into.. he struggled.. tried to mask his mental pain and anguish with pain killers..  refused to get help real help.. it eventually consumed him.

Two of my sisters and my brother battle addiction.. my grandmother for the life of her can not understand why they just don't stop.. why they chose to destroy their lives and the lives around them.. she will never understand it.. I have a hard time understanding it.. but I do.. I see it.. I see their daily struggles..  I get it.. I've sat and listened to my 6 foot 3 brother cry.. saying the only way he's beating this thing is through death.. he breaks my heart... I just want to shake him and scream.. "JUST STOP TAKING DRUGS!!!".. I know it's not that simple.

I used the word "chose" because like diabetes or any other disease (as you compare it to).. there is help, there's medication, there are ways to treat it..  I see that this is a very sensitive subject.. I obviously can not compare depression to my grievance.. but it's the closest thing I've been through that I can compare to a level of sadness that is described in depression.. and I have chosen to not stay there.. I could have very easily stayed in my curled up position on my couch and allow it to consume me.. I imagine that is how depression starts.. I could be dead wrong... and if I am..  I'm sorry.. I'm trying to understand..

So many people don't understand learning disabilities.. my oldest son has ADHD.. one time one of his football coaches asked me if he had a learning disability because he just wasn't grasping onto the plays.. but the way he said it was so derogatory and smerky.. did I snap at him.. was I offended.. no.. a little taken back but not offended.. I explained that he has ADHD.. some people get it.. some people don't understand it.. "he's just bad.. you don't discipline him.. you must not make him study.. don't you work with him?! don't you dare drug him up".. it is a chemical imbalance in his brain.. it can be treated with diet and routine.. or medication.. but there are options to help.. and we chose.. we chose to treat it.. or we chose not to treat it and live with it.

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone.. I have a feeling nothing I can say here will be right.. I hope you get better and can live a happy life.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2016, 09:33:46 AM by April »

Wheelerswife

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2016, 09:29:33 AM »
First, I want to say that there has been expression of some opposing thoughts and opinions on this thread and I am happy to see that people are expressing their differences with civility.

As much as I am a resilient person, I also struggle with what is essentially PTSD myself.  Did I ever expect to find myself in this position?  Absolutely not.  Who would have thought that I would be paralyzed and shaking, with my heart racing and trying to beat itself outside my chest?  Certainly not me.  But I sought immediate help for my panic attacks and I went to a grief counselor and I tried several medications unsuccessfully, as the side effects such as blurred vision and tachycardia were intolerable.  I now live with a service dog at my side 24 hours a day and that intervention has helped me tremendously.  I now can catch my triggers much more quickly and manage my anxiety more easily, although I often need time to process what have experienced.  My biggest triggers are related to not having control over what happens to me.  No surprise, eh?

It is my opinion that it is important for all of us to have a safe place to express our experiences.  Most of you don't know me from my earliest days of loss over 6 1/2 years ago, but for a short period, I also had a sense that if people just had a positive outlook, they could overcome their grief.  Some people gently and not-so-gently educated me to a different level of understanding.  I still believe that some of us grieved before our spouses died, especially those who faced a long-term physical or mental illness with our late spouses.  For some of us, there was an element of relief when our spouses died, and expressing that reality is not always appreciated by some others who might not be able to imagine that the death of a spouse had any "positive" elements. 

Just as anyone can join our club at any time, any of us can also be hit by some life experience and we can find ourselves reacting to that experience in ways we never would have expected.  People react very differently to things such as losing a house in a fire, receiving serious injuries, or like me, losing a second spouse.  I think the important lesson here is that we have to understand that people aren't choosing their reaction to their losses.  I didn't choose to be anxious.  Others don't choose depression.  Some may be able to tap into healthy resources better than others early on.  For some, recovering from loss seems to be easier, others, quite difficult.  I think this board has a mix of people and their experiences.  Perhaps we need more people to post about their day-to-day successes and struggles so we all can know the reality out there.  We can't be afraid to show all sides of this journey because feeling too positive will make some people feel worse, or because feeling less positive will bring judgment.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Jess

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2016, 01:18:27 PM »
I've been reading this thread and have considered saying something several times but was concerned anything I would say would upset someone so let me begin by saying that is not my intention and I have much genuine love and respect for all.

All perspectives, experiences, and journeys should be welcome here. I will freely admit that forcing myself towards positive thinking bit by bit as I processed my loss was essential to my healing. And by that sentence, I mean ME. The struggle to do this has been immense. This is my story, not a roadmap to follow or a judgement of those with a different story.

When I watched Joe have the first and only seizure of his life, hearing him scream, trying to help him as he thrashed in pain and landed punch after punch to my body, I thought that would be the most difficult thing I had ever done. When the doctor at the hospital told me he was dead, I thought that living that experience was the most difficult thing I had done. Those things affected me deeply and have left me with panic, uncertainty, fear, and profound sadness, but they were not the most difficult thing I have ever done. They were the most difficult things I have ever experienced. Instead, I would say finding a reason to keep going while existing in the deepest pits of despair is by far the most difficult thing I have done.

At first, there was no reason whatsoever to want to go on. I didn't have children to take care of to stop me going off the deep end. Even today, I cannot tell you with absolute certainty why in those early days I didn't just end it all. I wanted it to end more than anything, even more than having him back, which in hindsight while understandable feels like a twisted thought. I thought a lot about what would happen if the roles were reversed and he was the one left behind. He had issues with depression and stress so I felt like there was a good chance he would end it for himself (he had said as much a few times), and that thought filled me with so much sadness I knew I couldn't do that to him. So, the way I saw it, I had two choices- find a reason to want to live again or allow myself to wither away over the years and die. I knew he would want me to do the first option, so that is what I set out to do.

I started counseling at 11 days out. I kept attending counseling for a year. At first I went every week, then every two weeks, then every month. It helped me immensely. I joined this community. I remember when I first found all of you feeling like I had found my tribe, even though I had trouble even acknowledging I was a widow. I read and read and read. The dark places my mind went were the same places other people's minds went. Thank God. And I read a lot from the people that picked up the pieces of their broken lives and built a positive future. It WAS possible, and just knowing that gave me a small spark that somehow I could figure out a way to not always feel so overwhelmed with despair.

At my counselor's suggestion, I wrote down one positive thing that had happened every single day, much like the 3 Good Things thread we have in General Discussion. At first, the good thing of the day was pretty lame. It would be something like "My dog chased her tail and that was cute." It felt so futile, but I kept doing it despite some days just the idea of doing the exercise was daunting. As time went by, it was easier to think of something good that had happened. My mindset slowly but surely was shifting. I also made a conscious decision to say and write the sentence "I will get through this somehow." Sometimes it would be said to myself in the fetal position with words punctuated by sobs, but I still did it.

I feel like something it is hard for people to understand is that although I did my best to adopt a positive mindset, it did not mean that I did not struggle. It was three months before I could even try to sleep in the bed we shared. I worked partial days from home for the first 6 weeks that I returned to work. I left the house so seldom, my puppy had a Pavlovian response to me putting pants on because that meant I was leaving and when I left the house, it meant she was getting a treat. I didn't have the energy to do laundry so it piled up and I just would order new underwear from Amazon. I probably had 75 pairs of underwear at one point. People stopped calling and stopped checking on me. Offers to help evaporated. I was alone.

It was during this time I realized that I was indeed dead already. I had died just after midnight on July 26th, 2014 when my husband was pronounced dead. Who I was was gone and I had been trying to live as though I was still her and that all I had to do was face my grief, work through it, and find her again. I realized that she would never be back, just like Joe would never be back. So in reality, I had been offered a blank slate. How did I want to fill it? If I can't be the me I have always known, then who should I be? I decided I wanted to be kind, less prone to anger, more giving of myself, patient, and adventurous. I wanted to take chances and follow my heart wherever it lead me. I pictured some day being able to see Joe again and how he would want stories of all the adventures I had, and I couldn't have these adventures from my sad spot on the couch. This revelation propelled me forward.

I know that some people view grief as a monster trying to claw them down into the pits of despair. I have always viewed it as a companion. At times, as we walk together, it grabs me by the arm and has me sit with it a while, sometimes days or weeks. Sometimes it slows my pace. Sometimes, I appear to be walking normally among those that do not have this sort of loss to process and they are not even aware of my companion. The thing is, no amount of positive thinking will ever dispatch that companion from where it came. Even when others don't see it, I know it is always still there.

I have shared all of that to say for me, fighting tooth and nail to find a positive outlook was the right path. It may not be the right path for others, but it also should not be construed as not struggling as much or worse yet, avoiding grief in the first place. Sharing these stories and outlooks should also not be viewed as an attack or an insult to people that walk a different path. As humans in general, we understand our own experiences and view the world through a specific lens. It is hard to really understand why someone is on one path or another when it doesn't match the one we have for ourselves. Not understanding it is fine, but it is also important not to view our own paths as the cookie cutter solution. If things were really so simple, we'd have no need for forums such as this in the first place.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Portside

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2016, 07:23:13 PM »
Portside,

I really wish you'd have just stated your opinion without adding this statement:

 "I’d be ashamed to admit such feelings if I had them."

I find it to be inappropriate in this forum where we try to provide a place for people to share what they are feeling. No one should be shaming another for doing that here, IMO. Who are you to say what is right for another to feel? And if people add that they feel the same as another, that is their right as well.


SVS, I am sorry you have misunderstood me. I meant my 'ashamed' comment to be limited to those acts of folks who exclaim "It's not fair" and the like. I stand by it – I feel it is childish to put forth such statements. My comment was not directed to anyone suffering from any degree of mental stress. Further, you’re right – each of us are free to say whatever we wish within the guidelines of the board. However, that doesn’t mean a reader must agree with that statement.

And thank you to the others attempting to help me understand the trials of depression, etc. Seriously, I mean it. But it is truly unnecessary - as you may remember, my late wife died as a result of her depression of 18 years. I, like many of you, have seen firsthand what it can do and what it’s like to live with. I was lucky in that I could fall back on my training after my combat tours (Navy Corpsman attached to elements of the 1st Marine Division) provided by the Bureau of Navy Psychology Training Programs at Bethesda Naval Hospital. After that, I was stationed at Yokusuka (Japan) Naval Hospital providing psychiatric services to Navy personnel and their dependents. Much of my work consisted of working with patients with what is now called PTSD. I saw enough of it in the field and in psychiatric wards in the Navy to last me forever.  I know both what it is, and also, what it is not. I completed my service and training at Balboa Naval Hospital (San Diego) providing the same type of care.  I don’t claim to know it all. I am always open to learn something new or be pointed in a different direction by anyone. Please reach out to me at any time to help me along. I welcome your input.

Ladies, look – I know I come across as a bit of a hard ass sometimes – especially when we discuss feelings or mental issues here. I may in fact be. But it troubles me greatly when any one does what I consider to be whining (here or IRL) and then receive what I term the ‘tea and cookies’ type of treatment from the untrained. My professional experience, although dated, has led me to believe it simply doesn’t help the one suffering. I hope you’ll excuse me for pushing back. Poor therapies offered by unskilled, although very well meaning, folks can be harmful.

I’m afraid we will have to just disagree on many of these items. 

I am simply sharing what I know in hopes that it may be of use to someone else here. Nothing more, nothing less.

April, I understand what your husband experienced and, as a fellow medic/corpsman, I hold his spirit close to my heart. He was a healer in the field and provided tender care to those that needed it the most and gave his life in service to others. No matter the branch of service, we all lived and died by the motto “Leave no man behind.” May his memory be Eternal.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

SoVerySad

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2016, 08:31:00 PM »
Mike, I didn't misunderstand you in the way you think I did. I find nothing wrong in pointing out that life is unfair. Trust me, I learned very early on that life isn't fair. Still, there is nothing wrong with a person sharing their pain that comes from the unfairness that we know exists in the world. The term whining has a really judgmental negative aspect to it. If you are in the position of being able to compartmentalize anything that happens to you as just the realistic result of an unfair world, that is good for you. I genuinely mean that. I'm not a black and white person. I find degrees of "unfairness" if you will.

Hard ass approaches can benefit a person, but so can tea and sympathy (and even virtual hugs ;p ), even if it might not benefit you personally. We all respond differently. There is no one on this board, even some members with whom I have established relationships and real friendships outside this community, whom I feel I know enough about their life experiences and all they are going through to see myself taking a hard ass approach to someone else here.

The training you may have received might work for some and not others. I don't believe much of the mental health community would support the notion that one approach to treatment will best benefit everyone. You may want to view the members here who haven't been through professional mental health training as being less qualified to respond to posts than you with your training, but there is value in experience as well as training. It is why support groups for so many situations exist and why we look for both education and experience in filling job positions. We may not have degrees in mental health, but we've earned honorary degrees in understanding having the challenges of being widowed at a young age thrust upon you.

I recently started counseling and I can tell you that the counselor I was assigned to would differ greatly from your approach, just as my other healthcare providers differ from each other and sometimes hold opposing opinions on what treatment plan would be best. I don't see our roles here as professional counselors in any way. I feel we're here to provide a safe place for someone to share their honest feelings, to offer support and understanding if we feel moved to do so. Even if your assessment about one person's situation seems fitting, there are likely many others reading posts here none of us know anything about, because they don't feel comfortable posting. Some may likely never do so if they feel this is an unsafe place to do so. That saddens me when I know the important role this forum and the ywbb played in my recovery thus far. I have had plenty of perhaps well-meaning family and friends in my real life who act horrified if I share what's on my mind at times. Having this safe space to do so has meant a lot to me.

Even my counselor has told me she cannot fully grasp the anguish I've been through as she has never been widowed herself, but she will do her very best to help me sort out my feelings and reorganize my thoughts to find the best path forward I can find.

I'm not saying you shouldn't share with others what has worked for you or suggestions that may be helpful. I really just only took issue in classifying people as "7 year old whiners" for stating their struggling with the unfairness of life. While unfairness exists, it doesn't mean it doesn't suck or that there be an expectation that everyone just needs to find it acceptable and get over it. For some that may take longer than for others, and years later the sense of unfairness may revisit with events and triggers for some people.

I do appreciate the discussion of differing thoughts. I recently realized that actual real discussion with others on greater than superficial issues is lacking in my life since my husband's death.

Take care...

Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

April

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #23 on: May 15, 2016, 09:24:06 PM »
My husband went in Navy.. and was a combat medic for the marines.. He was stationed in Okinawa Japan.. He served in the first gulf war..

My oldest son completed 4 years of Navy ROTC for his high school (they just did the change of commands last week.. he finished an officer.. 3rd rank down).. he was also Captain of the football team and captain of the wrestling team.. My husband passed away the end of his Junior year.. my son took it really hard.. all my kids did.. but his grief was different.. he was much older then the my other 3 (at the time my younger ones were 11, 9 and 2 yrs old)..  my son fought with him before.. which created a snow ball events that was forcing my husband to seek help.. which he took his own life the day before counseling was going to start.. so he blamed himself.. It was/is just too much for a kid to carry.. but after all he has witnessed he still wants to join the military.. I had to call emergency services for him because I didn't know how to help him and he was breaking down.. The grief counselor said his death has reaffirmed my sons decision to join.. 

he still hasn't decided what branch.. he didn't score all that great on his ASVAB test.. Marines want him as a mechanic or infantry.. I originally wanted him to go Navy (nice and safe on a boat for 4 years.. as long as he doesn't go into special forces).. but they want him as a bomb detonation specialist.. He plans on speaking with an Army recruiter.. I know most kids already have this figured out.. but he has to wait for a knee injury from wrestling to heal 100%.. which has given him time to think about what branch he wants to enter.. he was dead set on Marines.. but now he's second guessing..

I went to the recruiters with him.. this was something my husband was supposed to do with him.. I didn't know what I was doing.. I heard infantry and I just started crying lol .. my ears just went numb.. after the recruiter tried to tell me that infantry wasn't what I thought it was.. and it would be the best thing for him to go in for my sons long term goals.. I tried so hard not to lose it.. I knew every word out of his mouth was complete bull shit.. my husband warned they will tell you anything to get him to sign.. then once you sign you are theirs and they can ship you wherever they want.. I think I kept my composure pretty well.. but of course my son said I embarrassed him.. I cried.. but I wasn't a basket case.. I think it's pretty normal for a mother to get upset when their baby is getting ready to sign a blank check for an amount of up to and including his very life .. and especially right after my husbands battle with depression/PTSD ended is such a horrific way.

My heart will always bleed for our soldiers.

Jess.. I think you are very brave to take those steps to well being.. they are hard steps.. impossible for some.. like my husband.. who would rather face death then face a councilor.. maybe that's part of my reason for not understanding.. it was right there.. he was going to see a councilor the next day.. why was it so hard for him to take that step?  Why were we not worth it?  I don't know if I will ever understand.

I respond to the "hard ass" approach.. maybe it was because I was married to a soldier.. or maybe that's just because it's who I am.. and it's how I'm raising my kids.  Am I too insensitive.. maybe for some.. I will empathize to a degree.. our grief counselor said.. if you want me to sit here and ask you.. "so.. how does that make you feel".. "then.. I'm not your guy".. 'I'm going to push you.. I'm going to ask you questions that you are not going to like".. and he most certainly did.. but it opened my eyes.. to negative thinking.. he called it "junk thoughts".. and how to counter act those junk thoughts.. he asked me how I could put up with my husbands behavior for so long (15 years).. I thought I was doing my "duty".. he said.. "please teach your daughters to have more respect for themselves then you have for yours".. that was a hard one to take.. it hurt.. but.. it was true... I thought I was being strong for them.. but I was in survival mode.. putting up with things no one in their right mind would.. and in doing that gave my children the wrong message.. At our very last session (about 9 months ago).. he said.. I felt bad for you when you first came in.. but.. I don't anymore.. you can and will be ok..  you have the tools to help yourself and your children.. please call me if you ever feel like you can't handle it.

xoxo
« Last Edit: May 15, 2016, 09:32:13 PM by April »

Tatianakm

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #24 on: May 15, 2016, 10:34:00 PM »
Thank you, SoVerySad, for YOU and being a voice for some of us who just don't have enough energy to spend on this healthy debate of how one should grieve. After reading this thread, I thought, just like another member, that perhaps this forum was not what I needed after all. It sadden me, because I grew to like some of the authors.

Portside, it was me who posted that " life is not fair- jealous of other couples- ashamed to admit" post some time earlier.  I did point out that it was not my proud moment. I own it, no matter how silly or childish this might sound. I don't battle depression, not that I have spoken to someone in the professional field, as I have very little faith in the medical community and it's ability to make any significant impact. I am a true believer of " we are in charge of our own destiny and can influence outcomes". Let me correct, I was the believer; that all has been shattered. I do not find fair that my husband dropped dead, literally, 3 weeks after our daughter joined this world. I think it was a reasonable expectation for me to raise this long awaited kid together with her father. I am a straight laced person and on the outside my life looks OK; during the day I am just a regular can-move-mountains-feel-so-in-control overachiever corporate America demands. But then, when my happy and nothing suspecting baby is soundly sleeping in her bed, I allow myself some comfort in reading this board and exposing my most honest feelings, in crying myself to sleep, in talking to him and asking why did he have to leave now...I do not need anyone to tell me to suck it up; I do this well enough on my own.  Call it whining, but I am so thankful for some supportive members of this forum who can find empathy and offer that virtual hug without judgement. Who else will understand me and sympathize, if not the people who have been through similar situations. After all, the only person with whom I shared all my highs and lows is gone...
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #25 on: May 15, 2016, 10:54:46 PM »
Hugs, Tatiana.  Big hugs to you.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Bunny

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #26 on: May 15, 2016, 11:52:06 PM »
One of my best friends is a total optimist, I definitely think it's important that they feel free to express themselves here. just like I think religious people should feel free to express that method of coping as well. Me? I respond pretty poorly to God talk or tough love, but one of my favorite widows is all about those two things- and yet we get along wonderfully. I think it's because we don't take each other's choices personally- we can be the kind of cheerleader the other needs without judging or feeling judged. I personally don't recall experiencing envy towards others in my widowhood, but that doesn't mean I can't have some empathy for a friend who is struggling with that in her own widowhood.

I worked hard to become an optimist in my 30s. It took years of concerted effort. And I was proud of what I'd accomplished. I thought widowhood took all that away- washed the optimism clean from my personality. But it's been coming back. And I welcome it. This coming from a woman who spent her first two years of widowhood on an unapologetic path of self-destruction. There are many moments of happiness in my life now. I have such gratitude for this. From years of reading this board and the last one, I've noticed that the only thing that truly seems to help heal us is Time.



'In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible Summer.'
-Albert Camus



« Last Edit: May 16, 2016, 07:04:41 AM by Bunny »
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

LTSLforever

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2016, 01:56:34 AM »
The more I read, the more I question whether I belong her.   Maybe I am just too weak, sensitive, etc.  for this forum.  However, I view my sensitivity as a gift; a gift to which I am grateful - it allows me to care and love in a very deep way.

Life is not fair.  Expressing feelings is not whining.  Admitting your feelings is helpful.  It is not unrealistic to feel envious of other couples.  We lost the most important person in our lives and we are human.  Part of being human is feeling but that doesn't mean we wish anything but health/happiness for others.  However, for a moment, we feel a sting and that is okay. 

I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences.  I will not post anymore on this thread.  Some people may be just stating their opinions but it feels a little too judgmental for me.








SoVerySad

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  • Posts: 865
Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2016, 04:25:56 AM »
LTSL, you do belong here. Please don't give up on a possible source of support. Your sensitivity is a gift and I've already seen signs of you using it to reach out to others despite being in such pain yourself. We need you here. You are not too sensitive. I've been here (well here and the predecessor to it) for probably close to three years now. I can assure you the supportive people outnumber the judgmental ones. I've been quite publically ridiculed a few times for offering cyber hugs to other members. I still do it, except for those I know have stated it bothers them. I don't turn down hugs of any type since I've been become a widow, because I enjoyed them on a regular basis before, so I'm suffering from a serious deficit of them now.

Tatiana, your post was perfectly appropriate and yes, your husband should be here with you now raising your sweet baby together. Of course, you feel it is unfair. It is unfair and tragic. No harm comes from acknowledging it.

April, I'm sorry that you weren't always treated well in your marriage. I read your comment about not understanding why you and your children were not enough to keep your husband from taking his own life. I have not been in your situation, but I know others here who have been and felt the same as you. Maybe they can chime in to offer support. You might even want to share you feelings about that by starting another thread under the "Special Circumstances" sub-forum as more people who are SOS follow that sub-forum. I don't think the issue was in any way that you weren't enough to keep your husband here. I suspect given his challenges with the PTSD that he believed you would be better off without him. Of course, that isn't true, but he likely was too ill to be thinking clearly. I'm so sorry he suffered so much from the PTSD.   

Tight hugs to each of you...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

April

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Re: Lifes unrealistic expectation
« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2016, 07:39:57 AM »
I believe I am being misunderstood.. and I never felt I was mistreated by him.. having drug addict siblings.. I felt he was sick.. and he wasn't awful the whole time.. it was a gradual spiral down.. periods of getting better and things looking up.. then rock bottom.. so I didn't feel.. "abused".. although the therapist explained there is a lot more then just physical abuse.. my first husband was physically abusive.. it took just a few punches to the face for me to grab my son (my husbands step son.. my now 18 yr old.. he was 2 at the time and considers my husband as his father) and leave for good.. it's much easier to leave when there is physical abuse.. but the not so obvious abuses.. not so easy.. and I never felt I was abused by him.. his words could hurt but I knew it wasn't him.. it was this crap medication he was hooked on.

Please don't think for a second I didn't go through the.. "why me's".. "this isn't fair" (especially for my children.. they deserved a father.. and didn't deserve to feel guilty).. the.. "what have I done's to deserve this.. I must be a horrible person".. "God must hate me.. he's punishing me".. the what could have beens.. what should have beens.. "we were supposed to grow old together"  and that started way before my husband passed away.. like one of my son's councilors said.. when I questioned my lack of grieving.. "you grieved for him long before he passed away"

I also went through being angry at him.. for leaving me with 4 kids to raise on my own.. for not trying.. for leaving his kids.. for hurting them this way... they blamed themselves (as I did).. Oh how guilty I felt.. "I didn't do enough to help him".. "I didn't love him enough"

It took me over a year to get to this point.. to realize I have no control over the universe.. I had no control over my husband or anyone elses actions.

It was this kind of thinking (like in my original post).. that.. hey.. this is not my fault.. God doesn't hate me.. unfortunate things happen to people every day..  my life isn't over and I can and will go on.. and it's ok to be happy again and not feel guilty about it.. I am not and will not be a victim.. I am a survivor! 
« Last Edit: May 16, 2016, 07:45:46 AM by April »