Author Topic: 1-Year on and it's still raw...  (Read 1241 times)

Taurus

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1-Year on and it's still raw...
« on: May 15, 2016, 04:34:44 PM »
I'm a newbie here from NZ. Lost my soulmate 20th March 2015 after a short valiant fight against that pernicious disease cancer: diagnosed in October 2014, and she left us 3 days before our 30th wedding anniversary. I'm tearing up as I type this...something which seems to come too easily to me these days.

One year on everything is as fresh and as raw as if my love left on 20th March 2016. We have 2 beautiful daughters (26 & 15) who appear to be managing the emptiness in our lives a lot better than their dad. One year on and I have not moved any of my wife's clothes, except to have all her beautiful dresses. coats and jackets dry-cleaned and sealed in plastic bags which hang in our wardrobe. I have kept her mobile phone connected and call her number daily just to hear her voice. There is an emptiness in me which feels all-consuming - our daughters provide the only comfort in seeing my beloved in them. Even the temporary relief of sleep seems a distant dream, with only short bursts of sleep at night interrupting  the nightly questioning of Why her? Why my soulmate? Why not me?

I had always envisaged us growing old together, and I had often said to her that I hoped I died before her as I would not imagine life without her...now I'm finding out, and it's as painful and as empty as I had dreaded. An only child, I was used to being alone, growing up alone made me tough and confident. And then I met my soulmate and realised the joy and someone sharing her life with me... there was so much I took for granted, including never contemplating death. The temporary relief that she was no longer in any discomfort when she left us was quickly replaced by the finality of it all, and the questioning of whether we did enough, could or should we have done more...

Our daughters are my life now, and I am happily doing things for them to make up for mum's absence which I find very helpful. I see sadness in their eyes in moments of unguarded reflection and it cuts me up. But they do their best not to reveal their hurt to me out of concern for a heart-broken dad...

I plan for a future when I can join mum after our young one has graduated from university. I don't even see any new relationship in my life in the future. Setting our lovely daughters on their path through life is all that's left for me to complete - I can hardly wait to join my soulmate.

rifatheroffour

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  • Widowed 1-13-13 joined YWBB 6-10-13 Loc: RI
Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2016, 08:21:27 PM »
Taurus,

I'm so sorry you lost your soulmate. I lost mine 40 months ago. I also felt the pain of losing the one person in this world who truly meant everything to you.  I have four kids and my youngest is now entering high school next year. I have often remarked on and off over the last three years that my one real goal is to get them all settled and then it doesn't matter what happens to me.  The truth of that is, and I am still learning this myself, that your children have already lost their mother. Their path through life needs you now more than ever.  I struggle with the aloneness I now feel juxtaposed to the growing old together I always envisioned. Right now I am alone and when I was a year out thought I would be forever as well. Having had a brief encounter with a beautiful person around 20 months out showed me that my heart had the capacity to love another and while it has not worked out that way long term yet I do know that it is possible in time.

Feeling your pain and tears and wishing you peace,

RIFF
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

SoVerySad

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2016, 12:33:47 PM »
Sending you a tight hug, Taurus. I can relate to so much of your post, especially how raw that one year mark felt. I think subconsciously I thought if I made it to a year, I'd be rewarded in some way for my endurance. Then the reality that nothing had changed in that my husband T was still gone hit me full force.

I've spent the last 3 years living completely for my children. It is what has gotten me through each day. I am just now starting to find ways to begin to live my life for me - to get an idea of who I might be able to put together from these shards of myself I have left. The loss of a spouse is terribly difficult. We each find our way to keep living in our own ways and within our own timeframes. I wish you and your daughters didn't have to endure the pain.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Taurus

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2016, 02:40:24 PM »
Thank you Riff and SVS, I'm glad I stumbled through the doors of these forums. I don't know about the other men but I am finding and doing things which I had taken for granted, realising now that I could have done a lot of these tasks for and with my beloved wife. "Little" things like washing and ironing the girls clothes when needed, cooking (THIS is a biggie - thank you youtube!!), running the young one to dance and netball and volleyball and soccer practices, grocery shopping (it always amazed me how my wife can recall instantly the price differences on the same grocery items between supermarkets!!)....

In some ways, doing these tasks gives me the sense of "being" her as I walk down familiar aisles, seeing familiar faces who knew my lovely wife as they smile with genuine fondness but with the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. I have happily changed habits of a lifetime to suit our changed circumstances. My 2 sometimes 3 rounds of golf a week is now down to 1 (and I don't miss the other 2) but even then the return from a day of golf to be greeted by my lovely wife ribbing me just not the same any more.

Little things, sounds, smells, songs seem to be everywhere constantly reminding me of my soulmate, bringing a smile but also causing tears to well up. I tear up so easily these days (this from a recognised hardnut not known to show emotions). It's as if a protective shell has melted away with my lovely wife's departure...

I've always believed that life is for the living, and found it a lot easier to maintain this belief when others lost close ones. I accept it for our life now, but comfortable in the knowledge that there is always the constant presence of the 4th member of our family. My dreaded fear is that mother nature may interfere and make me forget how my beloved looked and sounded. I have reminders everywhere to ensure this does not happen any time soon...

Thank you for listening...and good luck to you all.

Mrskro

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2016, 02:55:43 PM »
Taurus;

We have all found ourselves doing things we took for granted.   I had to call a friend to ask how much gas to put into the gas can to fill the lawn mower  :(.  It was like a magical can, it just never ran out before. 

You've come to the right place, to share, to vent, to grieve.   

I completely understand living for your children.  I lost my husband in Sept of 14.  and I will admit 90% of what I do is still for them.   

Hugs across the ocean to you

Taurus

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2016, 03:41:18 PM »
Thank you Mrskro. You lost your soulmate a month before my beloved wife was diagnosed, and so began the most emotionally intense 6 months of our lives as we spent every every minute of every day in the hospital with her, watching a vibrant fit bundle of energy gradually succumb - but it never broke her spirit. Ironic that it was hospital-acquired pneumonia which eventually stole her from us, but the darned cancer had already compromised her immune system.

It's nice to meet (and share with) others who have experienced the same emotional rollercoaster brought on by similar circumstances. Warm embrace and hugs back to you...

SoVerySad

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2016, 04:12:46 PM »
Taurus,

I had to smile when you mentioned youtube being a resource to helping you complete tasks your wife normally did. I am in the reverse, but same position. My teenage son and I have referenced youtube on many occasions to figure out how to do tasks my husband always did. We've changed the furnace filters, fixed the toilet and garbage disposal. We even changed a lock set on the kitchen door after the lock broke and locked us out of the house. I found out how to open a locked door using a credit card on there and was successful at it so we could at least get in the house. I am so appreciative of the people who post how-to videos on there. I wonder if they have any idea how helpful they are to widows/widowers suddenly thrust into new job descriptions without any training.
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

donswife

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2016, 06:55:06 PM »
I am so sorry you for the loss of your wonderful wife
sounds like you were best friends and soul mates
which is something I truly believe we have when you meet that perfect fit
 
Please keep posting and telling us about your wife and anything else you need to share
take care


 
My everything

twistedmensa

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  • Embracing the suck since 1968!
Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2016, 10:03:48 PM »
Google and YouTube have saved my life many times...lol.

Taurus

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Re: 1-Year on and it's still raw...
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2016, 02:34:26 PM »
My daughters love the recipes I've borrowed from youtube. Our dinners are now a nightly lucky dip as to which recipe I cook - and more importantly how it turns out  :)
Fortunately, we've only had a couple of mishaps but the fun of not knowing what they're getting for dinner is anightly source of amusement for our household now..