Author Topic: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?  (Read 3516 times)

MissingSquish

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
  • widowed 5/20/12
Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« on: May 21, 2016, 04:24:52 PM »
My best friend and I have been drifting apart from each other for a while now (even before I was widowed).  A few things have contributed to this change aside from becoming widowed; she has gotten married, still speaks to her toxic family, her in laws live overseas and now has a 1 year old.  We used to see each other every few months and spoke on the phone twice a month.

I think I saw her twice during her pregnancy, and once was at her baby shower and the other was my birthday.  I speak to her maybe once a month, and the last time I saw her was Christmas. I haven't spent any one-on-one time with her (wouldn't care if her kid tagged along, that would still count) in probably 2 years.  Everytime I've seen her, it's always been in the company of our other friends. I've mentioned to her that I miss her and have offered to help her around the house just so I can see her and have some quality time. She'll agree, but then she brushes me off and I don't see her.

Yesterday was the 4 year sadiversary. She called, we talked and it was nice to hear from her. Tomorrow, I'm planning on doing a charity walk for a rescue group, and told her the date months ago.  It's only 2 hours total tomorrow in the afternoon, and it's my Squish's birthday.  And it's literally the only thing I've asked her to do since my birthday last year.

Her in laws just came to town from overseas a few days ago, and I know she's busy with them. She said she'd do her best to come to the walk over the past few times I've talked to her. Last night, she says that she may meet me at the end because her kid hasn't been feeling well lately and she thinks it would be too much for him.

I check Facebook today and she's checked into the city zoo (further from where the walk is) with her kid and husband. That is a heck of a lot more walking and outside time than this charity walk would be tomorrow.  I'm really hurt.  She knows how much this walk means to me.

Am I overreacting? Wids with kids what do you think?
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Mrskro

  • Member
  • Posts: 289
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2016, 05:59:47 PM »
MissingSquish;

I have no advice, but I can relate and in my opinion its really shitty.   

My bestfriend lives 6 hours away and has drifted away as well.   I'm not sure why people can't just be honest about what they are thinking or feeling.

Hugs to you.

MissingSquish

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2016, 06:03:12 PM »
Thanks for the hugs and support. Shortly after I posted, I sent her a message saying I was disappointed and wished she was honest with me about the walk. Haven't heard back from her yet.

Sigh.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2016, 07:57:43 PM »
I don't have any advice but this is exactly why I don't ask people to do things that are important to me, I don't handle the disappointment well.  My approach is not what I would recommend because I have very few friends left as a result.  I think it's good that you let her know you are disappointed, it may not change anything but friends should know that their actions have an impact.  I hope this is a turning point in your friendship and she starts to come around.
You will forever be my always.

MissingSquish

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2016, 08:24:33 PM »
I got a message back from her, and it left me still a bit unsettled. She was upset that I insinuated that her kid wasn't really sick (not what I said). I said I wished she was honest with me about her reluctance to come instead of telling me her kid wasn't feeling well. She said she wanted to do a few things with her in laws and husband despite the fact that her kid wasn't feeling well.

She also said since she doesn't have a car it's much harder for her etc and it's longer than 2 hours round trip, yet they had to drive today to get to the zoo (the alternate is likely 2+ hours of public transit there).  I offered to pick her and her kid up tomorrow for the walk (her neighborhood is on the way and I'm driving there, and so is another person she knows), but she has yet to respond.

She said she has been dealing with a lot lately and apologized for being out of touch.  She doesn't want to burden me with the stuff she's going through. I said that I may not completely understand what she's going through but I can be there for her in whatever way possible.

She says she's going to try to still meet me at the end of the walk, but she wants updates as we're walking etc so she can time it and everything. I have no clue when it is actually going to end, so I can't give her much to plan on tomorrow.

Honestly, I don't want to be tethered to my phone and not actually experiencing everything going on around me tomorrow. It's going to be an emotional day as it is, and I don't want to deal with trying to find her amongst everyone there and coordinating.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Portside

  • Member
  • Posts: 355
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2016, 09:17:22 PM »
Am I overreacting? Wids with kids what do you think?

I'm not certain but I think you may be. Her life is more important to her than your's. Your life is more important to you than it is to her. These are the facts. It's generally true for all of us. But isn't that the way is should be?

Each of us, with our own specific life demands, cannot always help our buddies to the extent that they would wish we could.

I wish it was different but that's just the way it is.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

MissingSquish

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2016, 09:56:51 PM »
Am I overreacting? Wids with kids what do you think?

I'm not certain but I think you may be. Her life is more important to her than your's. Your life is more important to you than it is to her. These are the facts. It's generally true for all of us. But isn't that the way is should be?

Each of us, with our own specific life demands, cannot always help our buddies to the extent that they would wish we could.

I wish it was different but that's just the way it is.

Best wishes - Mike

All relationships have some sort of expectation on each side. If either party is being unreasonable in their expectations of the other and is disappointed, then I think that would fall within the realm of overreacting. Maybe asking her to come to something when her in laws are in town was being unreasonable, however, it is not unreasonable to want honestly from the other person.

Her life is very different from my life now. Holidays are a time of rest and reflection for me, as I am not in contact with my family. For her, they are a time of obligation and stress. She works from home, but has some more free time during the day. My work schedule leaves no free time, and I'm usually only able to speak after work.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

serpico

  • Member
  • Posts: 272
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2016, 10:47:05 PM »
Am I overreacting? Wids with kids what do you think?

I think it is perfectly acceptable to be upset with her, but when you accused her of being dishonest I believe that was an overreaction.  She's got a lot going on and from what you told us she didn't commit to doing the entire walk. She may have a million reasons for this, and I dont think she should have to give you one that is ironclad and unimpeachable.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Bunny

  • Member
  • Posts: 265
  • widowed 2012
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2016, 11:14:30 PM »
I don't have children, but I can tell you about my experience of about 30 years of friends having kids. Luckily, I like 'em so that's made things easier in that I have no problem hanging out with kid(s) in tow. But I gotta say- after a while, when someone announced their pregnancy/pending adoption I'd give a happy and sincere congratulations, but in my heart I'd be thinking wistfully- see you in 2 or 3 years...because babies- especially that first one- are just so all consuming, both emotionally and physically. There's simply not a whole lot of time for friends, no matter how much they may miss you. Eventually, they came back to me on a more consistent basis once the kids reached toddlerhood. In fact, they craved that adult time. (Well, a few did lose interest in me because I chose not to have children. But that was rare).

Yes, I've been disappointed by my friends with kids. Yes, I sometimes got tired of having to always be the one making all the concessions. But I love them, I value what they bring to my life, so I did. I still do it. Mother/fatherhood, just like widowhood, can test a relationship. Not all of them have been able to survive, but I'm okay with that.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

MissingSquish

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2016, 06:15:27 AM »
I told her not to come. I apologized for being unreasonable to ask her to do something when she already had other plans. I also apologized for insinuating that her kid wasn't sick; I didn't realize she already had other plans.

I don't think there's enough left for a friendship with her to be sustained at this point. Maybe things will change in the future.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 607
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2016, 06:18:44 AM »
There are some great responses on here. I have a young child so know how much time and energy it takes and parenting does consume a lot of time and focus. However, saying that....it just seems like your friend is wrapped up in her own world and probably doesn't fully understand how important this walk is to you. And probably won't. It's fine to say something although not sure why she isn't being 100 percent honest why she can't go - maybe she feels bad? But it was a positive sign that she called on your 4yr sadiversary- at least she understood that and thought about you. I honestly find these days that my married friends with kids make limited time for me- even though I have kids my life is seperate from theirs, and different. I have just accepted it and keep in touch with those I want to and accept the limitations. When I was married I spent and made time for my single friends and as a single parent I make time for my single friends...but that's me.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2016, 06:20:24 AM by Captains wife »

Bunny

  • Member
  • Posts: 265
  • widowed 2012
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2016, 10:37:52 AM »
I don't think there's enough left for a friendship with her to be sustained at this point. Maybe things will change in the future.

One of my oldest closest friends lives mere minutes away from me, out in the suburbs with his wife and three kids. We can go months without speaking or texting, years without seeing each other, but when we do it's like there has been no time at all. Actually, I have several friends like that now that I think about it...

The two girlfriends I saw on a regular basis both recently moved out of state so that's been an adjustment. And honestly, since I've been widowed, I've been less accommodating when it comes to seeing friends- they have had to adjust to putting in more effort, or seeing me less- or not at all.

My point- I know you're hurt, but give it time. Lowered expectations are not always a bad thing, as long as they are done with love and mindfulness.

And Captain'sWife- boy do I understand the being treated differently. It made my husband and I sad when friends started families and stopped inviting us to their social gatherings. I had someone tell me it was because he assumed, since we were childless, we'd be bored. Ah, well. I guess for some it is harder to socialize with families that don't look like them- childless or spouseless can look like not-a-family to some, ya know?
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Needytoo

  • Member
  • Posts: 393
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2016, 01:00:47 PM »
I am proud of you for at least communicating to her about what you feel. Something that I really have a hard time doing, but I am working at it.  I really in a situation like this is always try to remain positive. For example I might have said "hey I saw on Facebook you made it to the zoo, that is great how was it?  Hope you are still able to come out to the race." 

I think there is more going on here.  When your friend said she had so much going on and you told her you are willing to help and I got the feeling she wasn't able to ask you for help pulled a bit at my heart strings.  I am getting the same feeling from a few of my friends and it hurts.   

I really have no clear answer on this, I am going to wait and see how things develop and try to keep a clear mind.

trying2breathe

  • Member
  • Posts: 370
  • Widowed August 2013
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2016, 03:43:08 PM »
Some great thoughts here - I'd consider keeping the door open with this friend.  Friendships ebb and flow, the essence of a relationship changes as life happens and family dynamics come into play.  Sometimes things are great and you can relate to each other on a personal level, at other times there's a distance there and the reason why is not apparent.  You may never know exactly why there's not a better connection between the two of you right now, but if the friendship is close and real you will find each other again.  As I get older my experience is that I connect in a different way with friends that I've had for awhile.  I guess the question to ask is if you're willing to continue this friendship that is changing and may not be same as it was before.   


Like Bunny mentioned, I say give it some time.   
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

MissingSquish

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
  • widowed 5/20/12
Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2016, 01:43:34 PM »
Thanks everyone for the advice. We've texted back and forth a bit over the past few days, but it's been all surface stuff. Nothing deep.

I offered to drive her to a wedding she needs to attend near me next weekend, and she hasn't responded to my offer directly. I doubt she is going to take me up on it.

This is the last offer of help I'm going to extend to her. I'm distancing myself from the situation and from her from now on.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!