Author Topic: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?  (Read 3502 times)

MrsDan

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #15 on: May 23, 2016, 03:02:30 PM »



Each of us, with our own specific life demands, cannot always help our buddies to the extent that they would wish we could.



Translation: People care more about their own day to day superficial shit than they do the heavy, next level traumas that others, even those they call friends, are dealing with. I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like a good friend and I think it's in your best interest to cultivate friendships where the support is more equitable.

Also from my own perspective as a parent. I only had 84 days with a co-parent. But in my opinion, in a lot of two parent families, people use their kids as a cop out when it comes to other relationships in their lives. I can't devote as much time to other relationships simply because it's just me. Going out with a friend requires a sitter, for example. But in cases where there is another parent to shoulder the load, I'm sorry but, weak.  I get that there are activities and things, but I think it models good behavior for kids to know other people's needs matter as much and sometimes more than theirs.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2016, 03:04:10 PM by MrsDan »
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
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serpico

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2016, 03:48:25 PM »
Translation: People care more about their own day to day superficial shit than they do the heavy, next level traumas that others, even those they call friends, are dealing with. I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like a good friend and I think it's in your best interest to cultivate friendships where the support is more equitable.

That's not a very good translation.  How does anyone know what is 'superficial shit' versus 'next level trauma' without walking in that person's shoes?
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Portside

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2016, 07:57:19 PM »



Each of us, with our own specific life demands, cannot always help our buddies to the extent that they would wish we could.



Translation: People care more about their own day to day superficial shit than they do the heavy, next level traumas that others, even those they call friends, are dealing with. I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like a good friend and I think it's in your best interest to cultivate friendships where the support is more equitable.


“Always remember that it is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood: there will always be some who misunderstand you.”
―Karl Popper
 

So it goes. :)

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

MissingSquish

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2016, 11:45:14 AM »
She called me late last night to talk, but I didn't feel like picking up the phone at 10 PM. The conversation would have likely left me angry and frustrated, and would have worsened my already crappy sleep lately. 

She's always been a help-rejecting complainer, and it's been even worse now that she has a kid. Anytime she complains about her kid being sick, not sleeping etc, I make informed and helpful suggestions to help and she shoots them down every time.

It's insulting, and that, along with her preference to spend time with our other friends that are married and have kids just reminds me of my asshole BIL. He was so ridiculously defensive and wouldn't ever let me or my husband babysit his kids, because we didn't have any kids and we couldn't possibly know how to take care of them for even a few hours.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

MissingSquish

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #19 on: June 28, 2016, 05:30:05 PM »
Thought I'd give a quick update. I saw her around the beginning of June, twice, but haven't really spoken to her since.

When I saw her, she talked, I listened. She said she's having a hard time recently.  She said she is very overwhelmed at the moment.  I get the impression (though she didn't directly say it) that her husband doesn't help much with childcare when he's home. It may be because she doesn't want to burden him with it and/or wants to have control, or that he can't handle/doesn't want to take care of their son from time to time.

She said that she appreciated the offers of help from me in the past, but can't quantify what her needs actually are.

The bottom line is that she needs to a) get a babysitter for a few hours each week, b) she needs to see a therapist one on one more regularly and c) needs to go back on her depression/anti-anxiety medication again.  We came to these solutions together, and I wasn't harsh or judge mental about the trouble she is having.

I've known her for 20 years, and I can say with confidence that these are the things that she needs to get herself out of the hole she is in right now. 

As long as she actually follows through with these things at some point, the friendship can be saved.  It will take some time to mend what was broken, but we've been through more difficult things together previously. If she doesn't do any of the above, then the friendship will be essentially over.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

MissingSquish

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #20 on: December 14, 2016, 08:08:03 PM »
Some of the wids that saw me at the Bago this weekend know the news. The relationship with my best friend is essentially over.  She's been in sporadic contact with me, and I was continuing to try to reach out to her and be a listening ear. I can't make the effort anymore.

She texted me tonight after not speaking since Halloween.  She asked what my plans were for Christmas and New Years. She invited me to Christmas dinner with her toxic mom. I appreciate the gesture behind the invite, but if I'm avoiding my own toxic family for the holidays, I certainly don't want to spend time around hers. I expressed this to her in the past, and she knows that I will always refuse the invitation.

I did say my New Years was open, and she said she wasn't sure of her plans, but that she would let me know. Later on, in that same conversation, she admitted that she was invited (and planning on going) to another friends house (one who is married with kids and that I no longer speak to) for NYE and seeing her mom on NYD. She said that again, her son was sick with a stomach bug and wasn't sure if those plans would happen. If she's home sick with the kid, I am sure that her plans would not change to include me.

I don't get why she couldn't just say that she had plans already for New Years? 

I've been crying over this lost friendship for months. I feel like even more of my connection with Squish is dying, and that I feel more alone in this world than ever.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Eddienhp

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #21 on: December 15, 2016, 08:34:14 AM »
Missing Squish,

Maybe a break from the relationship is what you need for now. I have been disappointed by people who say they are not available only to find them posting on Facebook they were out having fun during the time we were supposed to meet. I try not to let it offend me but it does anyway. Take a break and let the dust settle. Keep yourself busy with other people or activities.

Best wishes to you,
Eileen
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

momtokam

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #22 on: December 15, 2016, 08:53:58 AM »
I'm sorry MS. I know it hurts and I don't know why some people are like that.

They really are not worth you effort or time or energy.
Try and concentrate on other things and other people.

If someone wants to be in your life, they will make the effort. If no  effort is there, move on. This is my new mantra in life!

Captains wife

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2016, 01:15:36 PM »
MS - I have come to realize that people come in and out of our lives unexpectedly....sometimes multiple times and for many different reasons - and it can hurt. I am sorry she isn't being more sympathetic and she seems focused on her own life. That often happens too. Maybe you two just need a temporary break from each other and, although painful, it doesn't mean that the relationship is gone forever. Maybe you two are just in different places right now or maybe your lives just demand different attention now ? I have come to realize that when people are upsetting me or draining my energy, I don't need this in my life now especially as I am trying to rebuild my low post-widowdom. I would give her some room for now, maybe give this relationship some time and focus on your other friendships, interests, people or others in your life. I understand she has children and thus a lot on her plate but its important to keep in touch and not have you make all the effort. I have children AND a full time job and although I don't see certain people or am in touch all the time, I try and make some effort to keep connected as best I can - more so if the person is a close friend. Sorry MS...this cant be great to deal with : (

MissingSquish

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #24 on: December 15, 2016, 02:39:40 PM »
I think what bothers me most is that she can't be honest about her plans/commitments in general. All of the other stuff is upsetting, but doesn't impact me as much as the dishonesty does.


I've always prided myself on keeping only honest people close in my life. I have many acquaintances but few friends.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

MissingSquish

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #25 on: July 15, 2017, 07:26:53 PM »
I finally ended the friendship Thursday evening.  There were a few other things that have happened in the past year that have made maintaining this friendship impossible.

 I sent her a quick text, saying that I cherished our friendship, but that we had grown apart. I also said that the decision was difficult. I feel sad, but relieved.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Needytoo

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #26 on: July 16, 2017, 09:08:06 AM »
I am so sorry MissingSquish it is such a hard thing to do isn't it?  When I finally got to the breaking point with my friend I too also felt relieved to let the friendship go. 

Monique

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #27 on: July 16, 2017, 01:58:46 PM »
It sounds to me as if she isn't that invested in the friendship anymore, but doesn't want to hurt you or completely end the friendship by actually telling you that she feels that way. As another person said earlier, give her some time. It's likely she's just caught up in her family obligations and new baby, and once her own life settles down a bit, she may become more interested in spending time with you again. It sucks that she didn't make time for this walk when it's important to you, but unfortunately we can't really depend on anyone to always be there when we need them. I hope that you have lots of other friends there to support you, and that it goes well!
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." --The Princess Bride

MissingSquish

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #28 on: July 16, 2017, 03:24:26 PM »
Thanks all. It was really sad. I have been feeling like a second class citizen with her for a while, and the walk wasn't even the breaking point for me to end the friendship.  Me not having kids is apparently very inconvenient for her. I've been excluded from quite a few events with our other "friends" from high school, because I'm the only one left without spawn.

I am lucky that I have a few other good friends that are there for me.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Monique

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Re: Best friend is drifting...advice from wids with kids?
« Reply #29 on: July 16, 2017, 04:51:09 PM »
Just realized I didn't see the second page before replying. My apologies for the rather out-of-context comment. I'm sorry you ultimately had to let go of this friendship, but it sounds like it was the right decision for you. Hugs...
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." --The Princess Bride