Author Topic: going back to work  (Read 2887 times)

sandrine2279

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going back to work
« on: May 30, 2016, 02:06:35 AM »
Hello,

I'm pretty lost with my job too.

lost the love of my life three weeks ago and I can no longer be away of my office.

to tell all of you every thing, I am a lawyer and we are  only two in the office.

it's still very difficult. I avoid talking to clients on the phone or taking appointemenst.

Just try to make the written work wich is alreday a lot to do.

But it's fucking hard to go on.

I do break down very often during the day and got home so earlier than before cos all I want is to go and talk to my love before the cemetary is closed...

How do you go trough this?

thank you for your support.

sandrine
« Last Edit: May 30, 2016, 08:34:28 AM by sandrine2279 »

Wheelerswife

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2016, 07:57:26 AM »
Sandrine,

Going back to work was very hard for me, too, especially after my first husband died.  I was back in school when my second husband died, just part time, and that gave me a lot of space to be with people for short periods and then go home. 

Sometimes we need to choose to take care of ourselves.  I don't know if it is possible for you to hire an assistant for a while to manage the phone calls and help you stay organized so that you don't have to face everything all the time.  Perhaps you can have a personal conversation with your partner in the practice about how the death of a spouse is a huge stressor in someone's life and you need more time to grieve and get back to functioning better.  Some people do find that work gets to be a good distraction from the pain.  I hope you can find a balance between the need to work and the real need to take care of your broken heart.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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canadiangirl

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2016, 10:16:18 AM »
Sandrine,

I was lucky compared to some and had 6 weeks off - I could've used 6 months.  Some people actually found it was good to get back into the routine though, and that work was/is a positive distraction.  You might find that when you are in it, it makes the time go by more quickly.  I think this is easier if you love or even like your work. 

Going back I put on a happy face, only cried in private, tried hard not to let my private life become an excuse, and tried and still try to break things down into smaller parts (and made lots of lists) in order to avoid being overwhelmed, because my energy levels were and are low.  Grief is exhausting and going through the trauma of losing a loved one often does have an effect on our cognitive functions e.g. memory -that is something to explain to your partner in an objective way.  It's to be expected (although not inevitable), so anything you can do to make it easier on yourself, even in the short term, would be worth the investment.  Bonne chance.


TooSoon

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2016, 10:30:07 AM »
Salut, Sandrine,

I went back after one week.  It was hard as my job, like yours, is high stress and includes a lot of "face time" and performing (college professor).  But it did keep me going.  It gave me some building blocks for starting to put my life back together - structure, responsibility, routine, people (which sometimes I didn't want but other times needed desperately).  In retrospect, it was the summer break, once the term ended and that structure was gone, when I really fell apart.  (Actually, I packed my kid up and took her to Paris for two weeks when school let out and I thought very seriously about never coming back....)  Anyway, I like the idea posted below about getting a temporary assistant even just to help you keep track of things (my memory still hasn't recovered completely).  Also, is there any way that you can work from home some of the time, especially on the days when you don't have appointments with clients?  There are going to be days when staying home is necessary.    I have always been career minded, and while maybe I went back too soon, I think not working would have done me in.  Je te souhaite, aussi, bonne chance et bon courage.

sandrine2279

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2016, 01:59:46 PM »
merci beaucoup...
thank you for your support.
yes for a while I ll be able to avoid appointement for clients. I also began  to work  at home  but ended  speaking  to him  at the cementary.
I love him so....

Mizpah

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2016, 09:48:27 AM »
I'm a lawyer too.  I went back after a week and a half.  I worked in a large office, though, so my bosses allowed me to do a lot of behind-the-scenes work.  It's very hard being "on" and performing and interacting a lot in the early days/months.  I have no advice but a lot of sympathy.  It *does* get easier to function over time, though some days are harder than others. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

sandrine2279

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2016, 01:07:10 PM »
yes, this is exatcly what I do, avoidind the "scene".
I've been a lawyer since almost 12 years so I work slowly and not for a very long time but I 'm still able to do the minimum I have to do...
and for a short time I forget... my brain believes I'm working before getting home with him.
big f...k to my life.
Sandrine
« Last Edit: May 31, 2016, 01:45:39 PM by sandrine2279 »

sandrine2279

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2016, 08:31:36 AM »
Hi,

I wonder if people here can tel me something about that.

I feel so guilty when I manage to focus on something at work. at four weeks and a half out.

how can I do that? auto-run mode?

thank you .
« Last Edit: June 08, 2016, 01:21:44 PM by sandrine2279 »

TooSoon

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2016, 12:58:32 PM »
Sandrine,

Of course it is surprising when you find your mind focused on something other than your pain.  When we took our trip to Paris, I remember having a genuinely good time going to Rouen for a day without my daughter to work with two of my research partners and longtime friends.  Up until that point I'd been on auto-pilot and in 24/7 professor/Mommy mode.  It was like an out-of-body experience to step away from it all and it's all encompassing overwhelmingness even for just a few short hours and I did not know what to do with that feeling at the time.  I realized that I was ENJOYING myself - a sensation I hadn't had in almost 3 years.  It was an odd mixture of guilt, liberation and confusion. 

Work allowed me to put my energies into someone other than myself and my pain and fear and in the long run it has continued to serve that purpose and it has helped (even if it has driven me crazy sometimes).  At just over a month, I was still in such a haze that I cannot believe they even ALLOWED me to teach (art history/archaeology of the late Roman Empire in North Africa, to answer your question from before) but I still think it was and remains good for me.  It kept me in the land of the living and, like I said before, it gave me some structure and routine. 

Right now, do what you can and be KIND to yourself in whatever form that might take for you.  Don't try to do too much, too fast.  Try not to hold yourself to a crazy, unattainable standard (a mistake I made and paid for).  One foot in front of the other is sometimes all you can give it.  Sometimes not even that.  And that is ok. 

Bx!
« Last Edit: June 08, 2016, 03:54:36 PM by TooSoon »

Trying

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2016, 02:10:23 PM »
Be grateful for those moments you can focus on something other than your grief, whether it's work, a movie or a good book, you need those breaks to build your strength. I took too long off of work after losing my DH, about 3 months, and found when I went back the distraction was good for me.

This is a long journey with many twists and turns. There is no right or wrong way to feel along the way.
You will forever be my always.

Tatianakm

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2016, 05:42:15 PM »
Sandrine,

I was so dreading my return back to work and facing the numerous people with the questions about my newborn baby and ultimately about my husband. In reality, I welcome everyday I work outside of the home, as it is where I feel most normal, familiar,  in control and able to influence outcomes.

It is coming home that I find so difficult; as soon as I get to my car, my mask comes off and I cry for the most of the ride home. I am also thankful for this time alone in my car, so I can get crying out of my system for the moment and face my baby in somewhat normal state.

I am sorry you feel guilty for letting your mind to switch off for the time from your dear sweetheart to work related tasks, but I think this is what allows your brain to start processing the trauma and begin healing. And yes, as much as you think it is not ever possible, your body will start slowly to recover from the trauma of the loss. It does not mean that your are forgetting the most important person in your life; it means that your are surviving...

Hugs.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

sandrine2279

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2016, 01:55:59 AM »
Hello.
thank you for your kind answers. it really helps me since you all know what I'm going trough.
indeed,  I must be surviving for the moment.
oh, I miss so much my Dear Bear. nightmares every single nights. I'm so tired at work.
just wanna go home with him...

hugs   

sandrine2279

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2016, 05:34:22 AM »
today I want to thank especially one of my partner's client for asking me  "how I am and"  telling me that  what happens to me is "catastrophic".... wtf ???? well, it's kind of  true but it's beyond that. people are just so stupid.

At the same time, my partner keep asking me if I really don't want to go to the Court right now....
Well, no.  just to avoid 20 pepole per day not kowing what to say to me  and making me cry in public....


 >:(

« Last Edit: June 13, 2016, 05:36:07 AM by sandrine2279 »

Laurat679

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2016, 05:34:32 PM »
I was super fortunate to no have to work for the past few years once we started moving around for his job.  I'm not sure how I'd concentrate or deal with people because I have no patience now.  I'm now scared to death I won't find a job fast enough but I have no choice.  Between the tears and short temper I'm sure that interview will go just swell.

TofinoMan

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Re: going back to work
« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2016, 11:56:53 AM »
It is very different for each person.
I am self employed and own multiple businesses.
For the most part i have great employees.
Its more if i get a cranky customer that i worry i may get pissed off.
The part of my job i really enjoy is ths flying aspect.
I self access if i am stable enough to fly before I take off.
Thing is that the flying makes me happy so much more than any other parts of my day. I'm engrossed in what I am doing so my thoughts of Jenny don't haunt me for those times i am airborne. She used to go with me somedays so its sad that she will never be a long in the helo with me again. But otherwise work is like my therapy. She is not home till tomorrow yet from her visit, but often my daughter goes with me to.
She since she was 3 has  been with me most often.
She would even do little work road trips with me or sit and play on her tablet or build lego while i was in meetings....she loves rides in the helicopter and said by age 4 she was going to be a pilot when she grows up...I'm sure that will change 15 years from now, but her current career choice is Helicopter Pilot. Lol

You have to do as much as YOU can handle at work....not what anyone else thinks you should be able to do.
When to overwhelmed maybe just go for a walk and let the sun shine on your face.
Do only what you can.
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....