Author Topic: That fucker  (Read 901 times)


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That fucker
« on: May 31, 2016, 10:42:03 AM »
This was a pretty emotionally intense weekend. DD and I met my boyfriend's daughter for the first time and it triggered all kinds of emotions. I found myself thinking about some secondary losses I've experienced in the wake of Dan's death (namely the estrangement of most of my friends and family) and found myself getting so angry at Dan. And angry that he had the opportunity to have a wonderful father/daughter relationship, and he threw it all away. I had one of those sobfests that involve screaming at Dan and hugging my dog.There were a lot of ups and downs, but yesterday it ended on a pretty good note. We had dinner with BF and his family, and he sent me some lovely and sweet texts right before bed.

When I woke up, I had the feeling that I had dreamed, you know that feeling where you know you dreamed, and that it was good but you can't quite remember what it was about. I felt loved, felt like the dream was about my relationship. Then I realized, it was about Dan. I haven't had a dream about him in months. I feel like I'm moving forward, in a relationship that feels good and with far less guilt than I ever would have anticipated. I want to feel good again, and I do, much of the time. But there will always be this mark, this blemish that I will carry for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, it will always be there. And just in case I "forget" or manage to put it aside for a little while, there's always some trigger, some reminder.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.


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Re: That fucker
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2016, 02:59:02 PM »
I'm sorry you and your daughter have to carry this.  But I'm so glad that the get together with BF's family went well. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)