Author Topic: lost my loved bear four weeks ago today  (Read 1493 times)

sandrine2279

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lost my loved bear four weeks ago today
« on: May 26, 2016, 01:23:04 PM »
I'm new here.

first, excuse me for the mistakes because I'm french.
I've read a lot of messages here and I realized I didn't find the same place in french yet.
finally,  a few pepole widowed at a young age without children and I could'nt really find people living the same thing right now.
My loved bear came and see me at my office at the end of the afternoon.
went to see a friend and never came back.
police told me he fell from a motorcycle as a passenger.
in fact he had a heart attack ou a brain attack....
I 've waited for him for 34 years old and I lost him no I am almot 37.  He was 32 .
my tall and beautiful bear with a so big heart.
we were just perfectly fine together and made projects that I don't want to realize without him.
I still go and see him every day to ask him to come back also I never believed in god.. neither did he. .
I just can go back to our house (I bought it myself two months before I met him).
He had noticed me since four or maybe five years before I sent him a message via a forum kowing that the love of my life was somewhere close to me.
we never leaved each other since then.
how can life be so beautiful then so ugly??
pain is just awfull. regrets that I'm not dead instead of him are there too.
really don't know  how to handle this. and in fact  I don't want to go out of this beacuase it would mean let him behind.
I still don't accept it.
Thank you for reading this. I needed to write it.

Sandrine
« Last Edit: June 03, 2016, 03:59:37 AM by sandrine2279 »

Wheelerswife

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 02:26:18 PM »
Bienvenue, Sandrine.

My French goes back more than 30 years, so I will continue in English.  I'm so sorry you had to lose your bear.  It is really difficult, I know.  No one should have to lose the great love of their life when they are young.  But, sadly, this has happened to many of us.  You will struggle with sadness and longing for him for some time.  Right now, just try to keep breathing through all of the pain.  My second husband was my polar bear...I lost him 2 years and 4 months ago and I still talk to him and wish he could come back.  But you will survive this, even though you may not want to survive right now.

Hugs to you.  I'm glad you found us.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Bunny

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 02:32:55 PM »
I am so sorry you lost your beloved, my heart breaks for you...and, though English is not your first language, you expressed your feelings most beautifully, I understood. I hope you continue to find comfort here. Being younger than most widows, and childless, can make one feel so alone. Now at least you have us here.

Just take things one day, or one hour, or one minute at a time- whatever you can handle. You can get through this, though I know right now it feels absolutely unbearable. For me, the most shocking part of widowhood was how much it hurts physically in the beginning.

Some of the best advice I have read here is this: be gentle with yourself. You have experienced a great amount of trauma, it will take time to heal your heart. Keep pouring it out here, there is always someone to listen.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Mizpah

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2016, 03:32:28 PM »
Nous comprenons.  The feelings you express - we understand them perfectly. 

I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss.  You shared a great, beautiful love. 

I felt just how you feel - I could have written nearly every sentence (except I was 32 and he was 28).  It hurts so badly.  I'm sorry you have to go through this.  We are all here for you. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MrsT85

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2016, 04:05:05 PM »
Please don't worry about your English, you made yourself perfectly clear.  I'm glad you were able to find our little community here - it is so hard being a young, childless widow.  There are so few of us, and it can be so isolating that its very important we find each other so we know we aren't alone.  I was 27 when my Tim died in a car accident, he was 36.  We were a few months away from our plan to try to start a family.  Like you and your bear, we were/are both atheists, so I found no comfort in thinking it was "god's plan" or that I'd see him again in heaven one day.  It was just pure pain and wishing that I had been sitting next to him in the car that night so I could be gone too.

Please take care of yourself the best you can, and keep coming back to read and share if it helps.  You're not alone, and here we do understand. 
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

Tatianakm

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2016, 09:39:45 PM »
I am so sorry, Sandrine, that you had a reason to seek us out- the group that no one wants to be a part of,  but oh so thankful to have during this very tragic time. Do not worry about your English, you've expressed yourself perfectly. I can so relate to this horrific discovery of how in one moment life can go from wonderful and exciting to horrible and hollow. I also joined this group just 3 weeks after my husband ( also called him my bear) suddenly died from a cardiac arrest. This pain can't be compared to anything you had to endure before. I have gotten the advice to take the pressure off myself and just survive one moment at a time, which will turn to one minute, and one hour and one day... I also found it comforting to visit cemetery often, went every day for the first two months and just cried and cried and talked to him about everything. I had an awesome and very comforting experience with a medium then; that was able to give me some comfort and minimize some of the trauma. My husband came through and his personality and sense of humor and very special private things that no one would know were a validation that he will be there for me and our daughter, who was only three weeks at a time of his death. One message was very clear- it would be just so wrong to think of him as dead, he is not dead, he is very much present and will help to re-calibrate future for me and our daughter. I realize that this is not for everyone, but it was really a turning point for me from a complete despair to at least some glimpse of hope for the future. Everyone finds their own way to put one foot in front of the other. For now just survive, breathe, drink water, or whatever else that helps to take an edge off, it's OK for now..., eat, sleep, and lean on people to get through one moment at a time...Bisous...
« Last Edit: May 26, 2016, 09:44:55 PM by Tatianakm »
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

sandrine2279

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2016, 02:14:31 AM »
Hello everyone,

I'm really thankfull for your kind answers.

In fact, readind widda.org ans especially your messages soften a bit the grief for a short moment .. more than the psychotherapist I saw yesterday before I wrote my story there.

probably  she was not really used to young widowing. it seems she didn't expect I can be either in tears either empty with no feelings at all.... which I consider to be normal  because of the circumstances, the shocking  death ot my love, but it's also something  making me feel so so guilty . and she did'nt help me about the guilty feelings except that I shouldn't feel so .....
she wasn''t prepared for me to telle her that durind the forst ten day my body could have eaten but my brain didn't wanted  me to.
she was probably not prepared that I feel guilty not to be dead instade of him....
I'll probably go on with the pain on my own.... which means without this king of person.

I'd like to know how to deal with all these feelings.....

thank you

regards

Sandrine


   


Kater

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2016, 04:42:11 AM »
Sandrine, I am so sorry for your your loss.  And I am sorry that your therapist would ever tell you that you should not feel a particular way.   Personally, I think we feel what we feel.  We may need to understand why we feel that way, and how we might change the feeling if it is not serving us in a beneficial way.  But nope, nobody gets to simply say I should not feel a particular way.

How do we deal with these feelings.  Sometimes just minute by minute.  I have done a fair amount of yoga and Pilates - both of which are cantered in breath.  Consciously breathing has got me through many difficult moments.  It also helped me to read these boards. To know I was not alone in my thoughts and in my pain.  Allow yourself to do whatever feels needed in the moment.  don't worry about what others think or expect of you.  Just do what you need to do to get through the day.


Mrskro

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2016, 06:18:54 AM »
Sandrine;

Welcome and I am so sorry for your loss.   

I'm glad you've found us and are finding some measure of comfort with us. 

I will say I'm shocked and sad your therapist says you should not feel a particular way.  I would dare say most of us have felt that guilt of surviving; of wishing it was us instead of them.   I would almost be tempted to find someone else.  A therapists job, to me, is help work through feelings, not tell me I'm wrong to have the ones I've got.

Right now, I would recommend taking things one day at a time, momemt by moment,  the pain is still so fresh for you and raw. 

Drink lots of water,  crying is dehydrating.    Eating is a whole different animal, I know I couldn't eat much.   Many of us have experienced the widow diet. 

Please reach out to us, read our stories. 

We are here for you.

hugs

sandrine2279

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Re: lost my loved bear three weeks ago
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2016, 01:44:38 AM »
thank You for your supportive answers.
bad Dreams continue. .. Last night he was ill and  il was seeking for a medicine
since  three days, grief is growing more and more
How could it be diffĂ©rent since I can't  be with  him. ...

Sandrine.


« Last Edit: May 28, 2016, 01:55:17 AM by sandrine2279 »

sandrine2279

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Re: lost my loved bear four weeks ago today
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2016, 04:00:50 AM »
four weeks ago today. still don't want believe it.
definitly waiting for you my bear .