Author Topic: Do I have to take off my rings?...  (Read 4195 times)

alone13

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Do I have to take off my rings?...
« on: June 06, 2016, 06:07:17 PM »
October 2015, I suddenly lost the love of my life after 13 years together and 2 kids. I struggle everyday still but taking care of our young kids has kept me going. His legacy has become my driving force.
But my question to you all, who are in the same boat, is do you wear your wedding ring(s)? Is it weird that I won't take mine off?
I feel like there is a category for single-no ring(s). A category for married-ring(s). And a category for divorced-get rid of the ring(s).
But I don't fit any of those. I guess in my mind I feel like I fit into "married" still. He didn't divorce me. I'm not a "single mother" by the standard definition. He didn't decide to leave me, and I'm still married to him in my heart.
So... does anyone else feel like I'm weird? Or does anyone think I'm okay for how I feel?

Wheelerswife

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2016, 06:35:03 PM »
Hi, alone13,

Nope.  You don't have to do anything with your rings that you don't want to do!  If you want to wear them, then wear them!  I wear my wedding band on my right ring finger.  I may always wear it.  I don't know right now.  When I lost my first husband, I moved my rings to my right hand on New Year's Eve, 3 1/2 months after he died, and I took them off all together another 2 months later.  I don't quite remember exactly when I moved my wedding band (I didn't have an engagement ring) after my second husband died, but I'm still wearing it after almost 2 1/2 years.

So...you get to choose when and if you want to move or remove your rings.  Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something because they think it is what you should do.

Hugs...and welcome to Widda.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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alone13

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2016, 07:38:55 PM »
Thank you. It means a lot to have someone understand.
And thank you for the welcome. I have struggled for the last 8 months without anyone in my circle of friends that understand what I'm going through. I found this forum and have gained a lot of peace and help through the messages I have read. I appreciate that this exists. And to everyone out there that has had a loss, I send you my prayers and best wishes.
Sus

Trying

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2016, 08:00:25 PM »
I agree, there are no rules, do what is right for you.  Around 6 months I started trying to take them off but I would endlessly reach for my finger to twist the rings that were missing.  I didn't like the idea of looking "single" without my rings and hadn't taken them off for over 20 years.  On our first wedding anniversary apart I bought myself a new ring for my left hand and I continue to wear it now.  For me it symbolizes my past and my present with 2 ropes connected.  Other widows wear their rings for years. no one gets to have an opinion but you.
You will forever be my always.

SoVerySad

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2016, 11:21:08 PM »
My husband died over 3 years ago and I still wear my wedding rings. For me, they still feel right being there right now. Do what feels right to you and don't worry about anyone else's opinion on the issue. I'm glad you found us, although very sorry you had a reason to. There is comfort in being around people who truly understand.

Hugs to you...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jess

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2016, 12:13:57 AM »
If you do not want to remove them then do not remove them. I remember combing through article after article about grief etiquette trying to find some sort of guideline. There is none other than what your heart tells you. I took mine off about 3 months after he died because it felt right, but I have never thought it was strange for people to keep them on for years. Do not feel pressure. If the time comes that it feels right to take them off, you will know. If it never comes, that is okay too.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Quixote

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2016, 12:15:48 AM »
Long story, but my ring was stolen some years ago.  It was a one off (we made them ourselves with lost wax technique), so I didn't wear a ring for many years.  When she died, I got a jewelry chain and wore hers around my neck for a year and a day.  Then I put it away in her old jewelry box.

That's probably of minimal use to your question, save that the real answer is: listen to your heart. It will tell you what is right for you.

donswife

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2016, 06:48:13 AM »
I still wear mine.
I also wear his wedding ring around my neck on a chain
I still feel married and when I no longer feel that way I will take them off , that could be tomorrow or never
do what feels right for you ,
you are the only person that has to feel right about this
My everything

Beyondlife

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2016, 07:00:08 AM »
I am 5 1/2 yrs out.  As I am not interested in dating, I still wear mine.  I tried to move them to my other hand a few times, but, on those particular days, my fingers swelled and I couldn't get them off.  Coincidence or Grant saying "Nope, not yet"?????
If I decide dating is in my future, I would remove them and wear them another way.
You can wear, remove, wear as often as you need.
When, and if, you are ready, you will do it (or not). 
It really is all about what you, and only you, need.

Big hugs
?There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.?

― Washington Irving

Tatianakm

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2016, 07:59:03 AM »
We both loved our wedding bands. We changed them at 10 years wedding anniversary; they have special engravings and a date of our wedding anniversary, actually tomorrow, 6/8, would be 19 years.
I attempted to wear his band on a chain, but it is platinum and way too heavy. I then put it on my left hand before mine. I love the idea that my band sort of anchors his. So I do intend to wear both of the rings on my left hand, where they rightfully belong.  This feels right to me; and my opinion is the only one that counts when it comes to my life. Do what you feel is right, what gives you comfort and helps to continue to survive.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Bunny

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2016, 08:29:31 AM »
They're your rings, on your hand, so the decision is solely yours, yes? I wore my rings for about 21 months, until I came to the (at the time) very painful realization that I didn't feel married anymore.  They were my late grandmother's rings so I was feeling sad to be losing that connection with her also. I did try to put them back on a couple times, but I felt my husband in my head saying 'No, Bunny...'

It's a very personal decision, whether they are taken off immediately or worn for another 50 years, it's okay.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

April

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2016, 10:39:05 AM »
I'm 13 months out.. I still wear my rings.. I bought a black stoned "anniversary style" third band that matches my set.. and I wear his band on my right hand pointer finger.. to me this expresses the loss of my husband.. that I'm not a typical single parent.. I didn't get divorced.. I didn't chose to go down this path alone.. and that he is with us in spirit..  I don't know if others see it that way though.. they probably just think I can't move on..  :-\  but fortunately I couldn't give a crap what people think of me.. for now.. this is how I feel and how I'm going about it.. maybe I will feel different about it some day.. and I will be ready to take the rings off.  Go with how you feel about it.. There are even some websites that sell widow jewelry. 
« Last Edit: June 07, 2016, 09:04:17 PM by April »

MrsT85

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2016, 01:35:49 PM »
I'm over three years out and getting remarried at the end of the month, and I still wear my wedding ring and engagement ring on my right hand (sometimes on my ring finger, sometimes on my index finger depending on how swollen my hands are at any particular time).  I switched it over at a few months out and there is had remained even as I wear my new engagement ring on my left hand.  And there it will stay even after my wedding - I never wanted to stop being his wife, so I never intend to take off the ring he gave me (his wedding ring is with him in his urn, along with the ashes my wedding bouquet that I had cremated along with him).

And just as an aside, I've taken a similar approach with my last name.  When Tim and I married, I was happy to leave my old identity behind so I took his last name without hesitation.  This time around though....I never never wanted to NOT be Mrs. Tim, so very very early on I made the decision that I wouldn't ever drop his last name.  I'll hyphenate and just be Mrs. Tim-NG to honor them both.
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Suki1

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2016, 08:19:39 PM »
I'm not quite 2-1/2 years out and I still wear my wedding ring on my left hand. It feels appropriate. But as others have said, it's up to you. If the time comes when it feels right to take it off – or to put it back on if you did take it off – the choice is yours and no one else's. No one has ever asked me why I still wear it, by the way. I suspect they don't even notice it. Or if they do, they don't think about it – another one of the things the outside world doesn't understand.

Amor

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Re: Do I have to take off my rings?...
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2016, 07:07:49 AM »
I like how you said "I still feel married." So do I. 
Amor