Author Topic: Out of my league parenting teens  (Read 3931 times)

Quiet Storm

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #15 on: June 27, 2016, 04:14:08 PM »
Oooh do I relate. Last night, my 16 year old called me lazy when I asked him to put the dog outside. What?! I told him, "Don't ever say that to me again." When he countered that I call him lazy all of the time (which is NOT true), I ignored it and let it go. Like others have said, I pick my battles. One thing, however, is that I give them recognition for being good students and for not drinking and doing drugs. That last part seems absurd, but it is what it is. Most of their peers, at minimum, smoke marijuana. "Mom, it's not like when you were a teen. Even good kids smoke." But thank the stars mine do not yet indulge. And they appreciate that I recognize verbally that they make good choices.

My house is a mess, my kids laugh at me like they are my older sibling, and I'm not sure I am the best parent I can be to these boys, but we're getting by. Best of luck to you and to all of us with teens.

(My oldest has super greasy hair, too. I bought him dry shampoo, and he uses it.)

Virgo

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2016, 03:51:53 PM »
Thankfully my teens have no interest in smoking or drugs. They've witnessed the long term effects with family members. 

Just a different perspective here. The way your teens are researching a comeback argument (although annoying I'm sure) is impressive.  It sounds to me like you're doing a great job preparing them. They sound like strong willed, independent thinkers.

If you feel they are disrespectful, then I would discuss that with them. That would bother me the most, unacceptable.

My approach is doing things around the house to help each other out. It's our house, not just my house. Pick up after yourself and the house will stay organized.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Sugarbell

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #17 on: July 15, 2016, 11:04:28 PM »
Omg my 13 year old is going to age me immensely over the next 5 years.
He's always been "Bossy boy"...but "Bossy Boy" lost weight..is 6'1..looks 16..and has quite the entitled self centered attitude. My 9 and 11 year old are still sweet...but he is driving all 3 of us crazy!!

I spend 75 percent of my energy dealing with him. It's not bad stuff..he has good qualities (lawn business, brilliant, gets along with everyone except his siblings and his Mom. Rolls his eyes, thinks I know nothing...very into being with his peers (which are good kids but it's getting exhausting).

I have yet to let him have friends over (still getting settled and I know his friends parents well and frankly I don't want to start being the hang out like I did in Stepford for a while).

He's an Ass. To us. I know his hormones are ranging and going to the gym does help. But bossy boy has turned into "Know it all Asshole". Makes a 4.0 in honor society...is nice to EVERYONE else except us..well we get the attitude.

Then I lose my shit....hardball him, take away his phone...and he tucks his tail and is kind again...
A few days...I ease up...gets privileges back...attitude and asshole again.
Continuous cycle. But the kid does use lawn money and buys his own shoes for golf..tee times..he has caviar taste and we are on a hamburger budget so I appreciate his responsibility.

He's always been a 40 year old man trapped in a kids body. But now he's a teenager with outta control hormones and has physically changed his appearance (5 inches taller since Jan, size 13 shoe, hairy, contacts, looks like a clean cut jock instead of a nerdy little boy)

And I don't think he knows how to handle it. Nor do I. Girls like him (he never had that before).

Oh lord..it's a nightmare.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Nuggets

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #18 on: July 24, 2016, 01:14:37 AM »
I used to pay mine to shower --- it was part of that 'picking your battles' philosophy. 

The eye lash batting works -- I only had to shell out a couple of twoonies, and nature took it's course.  My daughter went from being paid to draining a 30 gallon hot water heater in about 4 months....
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov

mmg19

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2016, 10:04:44 AM »
Thankful that we are still intact this summer.  13 and 15 year olds must feel it is a right of passage to check frequently on the meaning of the word "NO".    Actually I enjoy the more mature conversations but realize and accept the moods can change on a dime. 

Zero tolerance for disrespect, foul language, and drugs and alcohol.  My learning curve being a parent of teenagers has its peaks and valleys but so far more peaks than valleys.   As someone on this thread said it's not for the faint of heart. 

RobFTC

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2016, 04:16:01 PM »
13 and 15 year olds must feel it is a right of passage to check frequently on the meaning of the word "NO".

Oh my gosh, yes.  I have one that has to touch the line and feel how thick it is with her toe on a regular basis, as well as step across it every so often to test whether the limit is really going to be enforced.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

SimiRed

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2016, 12:56:43 PM »
I can relate to everything written here!  Absolutely!  I have a 15 year old son that has to negotiate everything.  I think I have learned to dislike Google, gives him more negotiating power.  He has an answer to everything and anything. 

My 6'4" son is a great person!  He has manners, treats others with respect and dignity, says "Yes Madam and Yes Sir", but when he is home, I have no clue where that kid is...since I don't get that proper, respectful, can I help you with anything attitude. 

I pick my battles, which is difficult at times.  I do have limits on Wi-fi, his phone, computer and xbox all shut down at 11pm during the week.  He does not like that at all, but it's Mom's rule and I'm sticking to it!

Some days I stand there and talk to my late DH about how in the world can I do this, he so like you and you would understand him better!  I do the best I can, some days better than others, some days not so good. 

School starts on Friday, though I'm not looking forward to the homework battles, I am looking forward to some quiet time!
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

JustLola

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #22 on: October 09, 2016, 02:21:08 AM »
I have two teens, a girl and a boy. My daughter - who will be 20 next week - has had about a week total of typical teenage behavior so I guess I'm lucky there. My son, though? He's 16 and I can sometimes feel the gray hair growing when I talk to him. When he was 12 my daughter told him "You're more teenaged than I'll ever be."

I don't think it's a coincidence that a lot of the comments here are from mothers about their sons. That's a very special relationship, and as cuddly and close to us as they were when they were small, that's how much distance they want when they're teens. I found this article a few years ago and I refer to it regularly because I find a lot of truth in it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201011/the-challenge-mothering-adolescent-son

But what to do about it? I find the more space I give my son the better. The less I talk, the more he does. My kid doesn't learn by having things explained to him. I can ask, talk, yell and plead until I'm blue in the face and it makes no difference. He has to feel the consequences of his choices so I make sure there ARE real consequences to his breaking the rules (especially if he's disrespectful), and I deliver them as emotionless as possible. Man, it's hard! He really tries to push my buttons and I fail, a lot. But slowly, slowly I'm seeing the benefit of it.

His room is messier than I like, there are lots of dishes in the sink and I'm only marginally convinced his homework is getting done but our relationship is improving. We fight a lot less than we used to and I know more about his inner life. The other night, just when I was worrying that he was avoiding me, he plopped down on my bed and spent the next 40 minutes telling me about his favorite things. I was so happy I could have cried. Hang in there. It will get better.

mmg19

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #23 on: October 09, 2016, 03:51:05 PM »
Thanks for the link JustLola.  Lots of incite and much to think about.  Two teenage boys here.  13 and 15 and so different in the approach of adolescence.  I have much to learn and really try not to be hasty in reacting to the frustrations.  Consistency in my words and behavior seem to have worked best. 

Respect is utmost in my approach.  The 13 yr. old questions me and my decisions more than the 15 yr. old and I have what I would like to think is a good relationship and rapport with both of them.  Picking my battles carefully keeps me from losing my cool with their messy rooms and choice of haircuts.  I figure neither will cause permanent damage.   Listening to their issues and  saying I need to think about them before reacting has worked pretty well for me.  For example, checking out friends and their parents before agreeing to allowing them to visit or engage in certain activities with friend's family.

Right now we are reaching a compromise with the use of phones.  I can't control what other parents allow but I have a responsibility to control what I will allow.  They are having problems with my new found "tech knowledge" in being able to set controls and monitoring.   I believe when you are the sole parent you leave no stone unturned in protecting the safety of your children.  There is a fine line between giving too much or too little space in these teen years.  When in doubt, I take the side of hovering Mom.  Tell myself this will be the way for 5 more years. 


Abitlost

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #24 on: July 10, 2017, 06:46:04 PM »
It has been a year since I initially wrote this post. I am happy to report that things with DS1 have normalized; he now values and respects me, we operate as part of the same team, and we have returned to our previous state of closeness.

DS2 is a whole different story.

My youngest was 5 when DH died and is now 14. Since DH died, DS2 has treated me like his enemy. Despite years of grief counseling and therapy, we are in bad shape. Tension between us is at an all-time high. He goes out of his was to annoy me. He deceives me. He lies. He disrespects me, my house, my things, and my rules. He’s like a bull in a china shop and has destroyed so many of my things (denying most of them). He refuses to do what is asked of him — I’m talking minimal house rules. He got himself a job which he enjoys and I have told him he can only work if he does his responsibilities around the house. Still, he fights me. It is ugly more than not.

And then, out of nowhere, he will do something extraordinarily sweet for me. Although it has been a while, I know it's in there and pops out from time to time.

Last week I required him to go to a therapist for the first time in years (he has been refusing to go). This was our first meeting and mostly a meet-and-greet session to see what we want to work on. DS2’s response was nothing, he thinks our relationship is just fine and there is nothing to work on. Toward the end of the session, I was describing a recent behavioral example to which DS2 responded in his typical extraordinarily disrespectful manner. The therapist was completely appalled. For some reason, DS2 thinks it is okay to treat me this way. It is not. The therapist confirmed for me what I already knew - that his behavior is way beyond that of a typical adolescent. Then DS2 said he wouldn’t attend again. I am at a loss.

My son is an ass. I feel a total failure of a parent. If he treats others as he does me, he will be unsuccessful in personal as well as professional relationships. At this point I have given up hope of us ever being close. I now just wonder how we will make it four more years.

abl

Trying

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2017, 08:35:10 AM »
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this and can relate to the pain you feel as a mother.  I am wondering about some more  extreme form of intervention like one of those outward bound groups for troubled youth.  It sounds like he really needs a big wake up call.

Make sure you are getting the support you need, my therapist helped a lot with the guilt I feel about my older boys and the struggles they have had.  I still sometimes deal with the guilt and have my moments of thinking I'm the worst mom in the world but now I know that the guilt stopped me from being as strict as I should've been.
You will forever be my always.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #26 on: July 11, 2017, 09:32:57 AM »
Wow Abitlost I was at a total loss after reading your post then I read Trying's post and thought excellent idea!!
I am so sorry you are going through this.  I hope you find a way to turn DS around and get some peace and harmony happening.
Hugs.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Abitlost

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #27 on: July 11, 2017, 09:07:56 PM »
Thanks, Trying and BH2. I have looked at "troubled teen" programs and I think they would actually be a horrible idea. DS2 doesn't cut school, get in fights, do drugs, smoke, drink, steal, run away, hurt himself or others, or any of the other behaviors typical of that group. There was a social media situation his friends got themselves into recently and DS2 had the sense to remove himself and not participate (proud mom moment). His negative behaviors are just things like talking back to me, debating my every word, refusing to do chores, destroying my house, doing things he knows will annoy me for the sake of annoying me, etc.
And then, out of nowhere, he will surprise me by making dinner for me, make me hand-carved animals out of fruit with lovely little messages, make heart-shaped pancakes for me, make me ice cream sundaes, etc. I think being grouped with troubled youth would make him angrier while giving him a plethora of ideas of more troubling ways to act out than he is doing now.

Today was a good day. I got multiple compliments on dinner and he even cleaned up afterward. I received a "thank you" for ordering some new shorts for him. And shocker of all shockers: he held a door for me and didn't walk 50 feet ahead. If he acted like that more often, it would be easier to tolerate the odor stemming from the uneaten, moldy sandwich under his bed...

abl


BrokenHeart2

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #28 on: July 11, 2017, 10:57:59 PM »
I hear you Abitlost, I agree it wouldn't be such a great idea.  You seem to be recieving the rath of his anger (pain) and every now and then shows you that he appreciates and loves you.  Interesting.  Could it be that he knows you are safe for him to express this to you?  I don't know what to say.  I hope you find the key to all of his rath.
Hugs.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

imissdow

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Re: Out of my league parenting teens
« Reply #29 on: July 12, 2017, 04:15:45 PM »
Your teen seems somewhat like mine. She's a good kid, got decent grades, volenteers, works, very involved. However at home she's lazy, difficult and does as little as she can. She is rude to me and her sisters. He older sister was much the same at that age, but is now pretty decent 2 years later. Was told by a friend that her dd is behaving quite the same as my middle dd. She leaves for college in y weeks, in some ways I can't wait.