Author Topic: Questions from my 5 year old daughter  (Read 1839 times)

TofinoMan

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Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« on: July 01, 2016, 07:24:43 PM »
My daughter Kate (aka Boo) turned 5 just this May.
Today she asked me why I was sad and mad.
I said because it hurts and makes me mad that your Mama went for a run, fell, and hit her head, and died from that.
So she asks me what it is to be dead? I have explained that as best i can to her several times already...but I am not good at explaining it to her.
And she asked also if jogging is bad?

I'm usually pretty good at answering her questions.
But I just sat there speechless.
I admit that the hardest two things lately is dealing with my anger,
and trying to answer questions from Boo.

There is no longer a way to get my brain wrapped around how to answer her.
As i am trying to explain that going for a run isn't bad, everything we do has risk, it then leads to Boo asking me at least 5 more questions that i don't have any answers to.

I refuse to lie to her.
Or just ignore her.
But i got no answers either.

I still cannot accept that she went running in her womens run group and died.
And I surely cannot explain why to my daughter.

So when your child has a question for you that you cannot answer, what then?
« Last Edit: July 01, 2016, 07:42:16 PM by TofinoMan »
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....

Tatianakm

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2016, 10:50:18 PM »
How cruel it is that you dear wife's death was caused by what should be a healthy and a wellness creating activity. I am truly sorry for you tragic loss.

I can't dispense any advice on parenting- you are at a much advanced skill level already, as I am just learning the ropes with my little girl. I would imagine I would be also honest with my daughter and just admit that I can't answer this question at the moment, but one day we would figure it out together. You already share an incredible bond with your little girl, give yourself a break, not everything is needing an answer at the moment, there is not an imperative "to make sense" of it. It makes no sense.

Hugs to you and your sweet Kate.
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

TofinoMan

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2016, 12:29:17 AM »
How cruel it is that you dear wife's death was caused by what should be a healthy and a wellness creating activity. I am truly sorry for you tragic loss.

I can't dispense any advice on parenting- you are at a much advanced skill level already, as I am just learning the ropes with my little girl. I would imagine I would be also honest with my daughter and just admit that I can't answer this question at the moment, but one day we would figure it out together. You already share an incredible bond with your little girl, give yourself a break, not everything is needing an answer at the moment, there is not an imperative "to make sense" of it. It makes no sense.

Hugs to you and your sweet Kate.

Thank you.
I am not used to not having answers for her.
Basically my world revolves around her.
She is inquisitive, on many topics....usually I have answers for her.
But this is her hardest questions yet.
I'll never get why Jenny is gone.
So explaining that is impossible for me, because I don't know and I'm 38 not 5.
This was a rough rough rough day for me.
I'm hoping tomorrow is better.
Thanks for this place and you great people where i can vent.
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....

daysofelijah

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2016, 09:43:20 AM »
5 is such an inquisitive age. I know my youngest is 4.5 right now and she drives us all nuts with her incessant questions. Sometimes we just have to say "Okay Eden that's enough questions right now, let's go play outside..." or something. I can tell her to go bug her siblings too, it sounds like it's just you two so I'm sure it's even harder not to have another person to help field the questions or distract and redirect.

Also at that age their thinking is so concrete and specific, they don't really grasp the things like dead is forever, and there is always another why to any answer you give.

Have you utilized and grief counseling resources? My kids have all had different stages in the last four years where it has been helpful for them to go talk to someone. Or there are even videos and kids books about death and grief that can give some answers. I would think your local hospital/clinic could recommend some resources, or even your public library or if you have a church you are comfortable asking.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

TofinoMan

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2016, 01:12:02 AM »
5 is such an inquisitive age. I know my youngest is 4.5 right now and she drives us all nuts with her incessant questions. Sometimes we just have to say "Okay Eden that's enough questions right now, let's go play outside..." or something. I can tell her to go bug her siblings too, it sounds like it's just you two so I'm sure it's even harder not to have another person to help field the questions or distract and redirect.

Also at that age their thinking is so concrete and specific, they don't really grasp the things like dead is forever, and there is always another why to any answer you give.

Have you utilized and grief counseling resources? My kids have all had different stages in the last four years where it has been helpful for them to go talk to someone. Or there are even videos and kids books about death and grief that can give some answers. I would think your local hospital/clinic could recommend some resources, or even your public library or if you have a church you are comfortable asking.

Amy, thank you for writing this.
I have not been or taken Boo to counseling.
When I asked her she was very addiment that she did not want to go.
I'll try asking her again, and look into where.
Today was better.
She spent the morning with me at work, then went to a friends to play with her kids in their pool, and when I got done working I joined them for a BBQ she was hosting.
Not a single tough question today though.
I'm very appreciative of your reply....Thanks again.
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....

daysofelijah

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2016, 12:38:05 PM »
My son didn't want to go at first. I dragged him to the first counselor and it didn't really work out. We tried another a year later (again dragging him to the first appointment) and he really clicked with this one and he enjoys going every week.

Sometimes I have to say you need to try this one (or a few) times and give it a chance. If you still don't like it after giving it a chance you don't have to go again (or we can try later or someone else).

Glad to hear you had a good day!
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

twin_mom

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2016, 09:21:23 PM »
You could try hospice for grief counseling- yours may even have a group for children that young (mine does). And it doesn't matter the cause of death, anyone can utilize hospice's grief counseling.
Just something to consider- my kids loved seeing their grief counselor and ours has a large play room with all kinds of things...

TofinoMan

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2016, 01:22:37 AM »
Thank you.
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....

iloveyoualways

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2016, 01:58:20 AM »
Hi TofinoMan, I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to be here. I lost my young, healthy husband over five years ago to a back country skiing accident. Our son was two at the time. I never lied to him but told him what he needed to know. I told him that death is when all life ceases, like breathing, circulation, digestion, ect. So that his dad could not come back. That way I never used the word "sleep" or "heaven" which are difficult concepts for our children to understand.

But I was also careful about the details. It was in the television and online news but they got lots wrong. My son is also a risk taker but I  wanted to weigh prevention (his own accident or fatality) versus creating too much anxiety that wound stop him from enjoying activities which he loves. I did not include details of the blunt force head trauma even with those images singed into my brain.

I also told him that most people live long lives and die from diseases like heart disease and cancer. He feared my death for years. I told him what happened to his dad was an accident and happens very rarely. He had a lot of anxiety. I told him information that was age appropriate but never lied.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2016, 09:22:55 PM by iloveyoualways »

TofinoMan

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2016, 10:08:59 PM »
Iloveyoualways, thanks very very much.

So sorry for your loss!
I have a daughter named Boo, a dog called Stick, and a truck named Zane Grey. My neighbors think I am nuts when they hear me yell Boo and Stick get in Zane.
Best part is neighbors leave the crazy guy alone.....

jonesandjenn19781979

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Re: Questions from my 5 year old daughter
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2016, 10:13:56 AM »
Maybe taking her to a counselor would be a good idea. She is still so little and at the very inquisitive age. Children have so much going on in their daily life that they forget so easily. I wish I had the innocence of a child; maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Children think of death with a different mind set; well most do. They think of anything with a different mind. They are growing and learning and observing. I'm so sorry and I know this is so hard on you. I am a parent. I was so scared to tell my daughters, ages 14 and 11. I was worried about the affect the news would have on my youngest child because she was Clint's "shadow." She is so sensitive. She was okay when I told her and went on about her day. I was surprised but I didn't push the issue any further. Clint wasn't my husband, but we had dated for a good length of time and the plan was to make something permanent. So maybe this affected the way she accepted the news. My oldest was broken; I think more for me since she saw how devastated I was. I wish I could give good advice. I know it's so hard on you and my heart goes out to you.