Author Topic: A big step...  (Read 1484 times)

SoVerySad

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A big step...
« on: June 27, 2016, 01:49:06 AM »
which remains to be seen if it will actually be forward or not, but today I took off my wedding rings. I had originally set a goal for myself for Friday, but didn't actually accomplish it until today. There were a lot of tears involved in this decision and finally actually taking them off. I've worn them for 30+ years now (including the 3 years since my husband died). I rarely ever took them off. There is an indented circle around my finger, like a fossil imprint I will continue to carry with me of a life I've realized no longer actually exists.

I have continued to feel married to my husband. In my head, I kept remembering our vows "until death do us part". I've argued with others they still count for me as I am still alive. In truth, I'm not. I'm at best existing. The wife me died the day T died. I will never be her again. I will always love him. I thought my many memories of our time together could sustain me and keep me going. However, ghost husbands never come home, they don't hold you when you are sad or frightened, they don't answer when you talk to them. I so wanted it to be enough, but it isn't. Still feeling married has become more frustrating to me than comforting, so it is time to at least start being realistic about where I am, so I can try to establish goals of things to want that may be achievable, rather than returning to a past that is no longer available to me.

I don't love my precious T any less without the rings on. I will always love and miss him. I also miss human connections, though - having a real person who can hold you when needed, add laughter to your day, be able to fall asleep snuggled up to, etc.. I had been really blocking those needs out, pretending I didn't have them. In truth, I am doubtful I will find a partner who will want the rather messed up total package I've become. But I'm not closing myself off to the possibility and hope that someday I will. I've realized I can truly care about another man without diminishing my feelings about T in any way.

I asked my teen children how they would feel if I ever decided to go out on a date with someone. My son exclaimed yes, and asked me who it was. I told him there is no actual person, it was just a hypothetical question. He told me he thinks it would help to make me happy again and me being happier would make him happy, which brought me to tears. When I asked my daughter, she replied, "That is so weird". I asked her if she felt it would feel really weird to her. She told me that wasn't what she meant. She went on to tell me about a dream she had just the night before in which I was going out with a man. She said her dad was there and looked at her and told her it was a good thing and everything would be fine. She said he seemed very peaceful and encouraging. She said if her dad is good with it, she is too. It was an amazing gift to receive, but not surprising as T has been focused on ensuring my happiness for our whole relationship.

So, I don't know where things go from here or if I'll just be stalled in this place. It is scary to think about trying to build a relationship with another man. I'm just focusing on trying to get out some and reconnect with the world, which has been challenging in itself. More baby steps are needed.
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Trying

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2016, 03:50:45 AM »
Big hugs to you, this is a big step in so many ways. I got goose bumps reading about your daughters dream, I am a believer that they can get messages to us when we need them the most.
You will forever be my always.

Captains wife

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2016, 08:02:23 AM »
That is indeed a big step, especially after 30+  years of marriage. I know...it does feel odd when the rings come off at first. I took mine off early (within a few months). Baby steps are a good way to go...this is all so much change and growing.

donswife

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2016, 08:03:18 AM »
"ghost husbands never come home ,they don't hold you when you are sad a frightened"
this says it all

this is a big step for you but you sound ready for this
thank you for writing this post
the dream your daughter had must have been such a comfort to hear
and a blessing for you and her
Take care




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Wheelerswife

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2016, 08:13:48 AM »
SVS,

I know how deeply affected you have been with the loss of T.  This is a big step for you!  I still wear my wedding band on my right hand...and I may always do that.  I also wear the small diamond studs that my first husband gave me in the early years of our marriage.  I've probably worn them exclusively for 20 years now. 

I also know of other people who have had wedding and engagement rings transformed into a different piece of jewelry, such as a pendant.  I don't know if it feels okay to you to have your rings changed into something else, but it may be something that you or others might want to think about.  Jewelry can be so meaningful, especially jewelry that signifies our love with our spouses.

Hugs!

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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SunshineFL

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2016, 08:14:55 AM »
What a beautiful reflection SVS. We don't always get to recognize, in the moment, those pivotal moments of growth and healing (and in this case yours as well as your wonderful teens). I don't know you, but feeling proud for you (and them) - and grateful that you shared with us.

Jess

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2016, 12:40:22 PM »
SVS, wow, that is a HUGE step, not a baby step. Please remember if you feel like putting them back on, it is not backsliding, it is listening to yourself. When I wook mine off, they went back on a few times before I considered it "final".

I have always been really impressed with how self aware you are- of what you need to do for yourself for your own unique journey. This and your kids' encouragement gave me a big old smile this morning. :)
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

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Bunny

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2016, 03:07:57 PM »
thank you for sharing this, SVS. Yes, a HUGE step indeed! And that dream...what an amazing gift for you and your children! I am so proud of you for deciding to venture out into the world again, whatever it may bring. Thank you for the happy tears you've given me today. You are an amazing woman, SVS. Thank you for your continuing nurturing presence on this board, and for sharing your journey with us so beautifully.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

SoVerySad

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2016, 10:12:51 AM »
Thank you all so much for your support and kind words.

One more thing I wanted to add:
From the beginning of this widow journey, I have stubbornly refused to follow the many versions of advice I received essentially saying that I had to "let T go" to move on. I was determined to find a way to bring him with me as I move forward. It has taken me a while, but I truly think I am meeting that goal. Our children and I are bringing him with us in a way that continues to recognize the important part of our family he has been and how he has contributed to the individuals we all are and will continue to be. It may seem just a matter of semantics to some, but it was an important distinction to me.

Thank you, again.
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jen

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2016, 09:17:25 AM »
So many hugs!! This is huge, and I'm proud of you... if that matters, which it probably doesn't, because you don't need my approval for anything. (((((((((((((((SVS))))))))))))))

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

MrsDan

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2016, 12:19:02 PM »




I don't love my precious T any less without the rings on. I will always love and miss him. I also miss human connections, though - having a real person who can hold you when needed, add laughter to your day, be able to fall asleep snuggled up to, etc.. I had been really blocking those needs out, pretending I didn't have them. In truth, I am doubtful I will find a partner who will want the rather messed up total package I've become.


I was doing this too; trying to block out needs, and when I realized I just couldn't do it anymore, it was like a switch flipped and I was ready to date. I'll say also that found someone very willing to deal with my baggage. Although he's not widowed, he is dealing with a very stressful and emotional situation himself, and like you and me didn't think he'd find someone who'd be willing to deal with it. So you just never know.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

MrsT85

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2016, 01:02:55 PM »

From the beginning of this widow journey, I have stubbornly refused to follow the many versions of advice I received essentially saying that I had to "let T go" to move on. I was determined to find a way to bring him with me as I move forward. It has taken me a while, but I truly think I am meeting that goal. .... It may seem just a matter of semantics to some, but it was an important distinction to me.


I'm so glad to hear that you've started to feel like this - seems a lot of us in the 3ish year time frame are hitting this sort of emotional revelatory/breaking point the past few months.  I was/am like that too, so it was important to me to kinda figure out emotional and semantic ways that I could resolve what I knew I had to do with what I wanted or felt I was capable of doing.  I never say "I've moved on from my relationship with Tim."  That sounds callous and frankly isn't true.  Instead, I've "moved forward and am working on rebuilding my life after losing Tim." 

I don't ever want to fully "let Tim go" either, so I moved my wedding rings over to my other hand but haven't taken them off.  I like the suggestion that others have made of turning it into some other piece of memorial jewelry though if that's not something you want to do  I didn't divorce Tim - I wanted to keep his last name forever and still do - so now that I've remarried I'll be adding a hyphen to my last name so I can honor both my past and my present/future.  In some small way, it's helped me quiet and comfort the piece of me that still feels married because it still represents what I think of the piece of my heart that stays reserved for him.  It sounds like you have something even more meaningful and amazing to comfort your heart though, and that's just fantastic - you have your two amazing children who remember the life and love you and T gave them.           

I certainly don't have it all figured out - I think it's just been in the last month or so that I realized I needed to make some sort of huge life change in terms of passions and interests and I honestly don't have any idea how to go about it.  But I feel better now that I'm not stubbornly trying to stay the same person - the realization feels like a small weight has been lifted.  I hope the relief you feel is ten times as large and continues to grow as you take each subsequent baby-step.   

Tight hugs and love to you and yours

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SoVerySad

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Re: A big step...
« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2016, 02:58:47 PM »
Thank you all so much. Your words from those who have shared this difficult journey with me mean more to me than I can say. I shudder to think where I'd be now if I had never found all of you.

Love and tight hugs to each of you!!!
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.