Author Topic: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling  (Read 1680 times)

Ruth

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Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« on: July 06, 2016, 03:32:54 PM »
My name is Ruth and I'm still very new here, but I did want to talk about something/ask something (which is actually the reason I started looking for something like this in the first place).

Tomorrow two of my friends/people I know are getting married. It has brought up so many memories and so much sadness. Due to various circumstances I don't have much support in this at the moment which makes it even harder. I'm just not sure how to do it, how to be there and not get overwhelmed, how to just be happy for them, instead of heartbroken for myself.

It's been a little over a year now since I lost Michael, we were married for a little over five years. He was only 25 and I still find myself so confused that he could just be gone like that all of a sudden. The past year+ I've mainly been running from my emotions, trying not to think or feel. I had to keep going. But now I'm starting to feel again and I miss him a lot. Idk, it's just been hard lately and this wedding isn't helping much.
As your wife I was proud and honoured, as your widow I will be too.
You died the way you lived - trying to do what was right.

canadiangirl

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2016, 07:59:10 PM »
Hi Ruth, I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I get it.  I haven't attended any weddings but new family babies have been born since my husband's death and it has been bittersweet (emphasis on sweet, but still...).   I am really sorry that the numbness has worn off and that you are feeling isolated as the feelings rush in.  That's the worst.  i am not sure if you are looking for advice, but I do think it's one of those times where you fake it til you make it at the ceremony/reception itself (editing to add totally agree with posters below re: do not deny feelings in general, and in private face them and do not beat yourself up, whatever happens).  I think it's wonderful that you are going, and of course wedding ceremonies are a perfectly safe place to cry--it might even be cathartic as long as you can fly under the radar with it!  I wish you courage, and I hope it in fact is not overwhelming and if not fun, at least supporting your friends is something good. Good luck today.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2016, 09:22:40 AM by canadiangirl »

Trying

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2016, 10:15:15 PM »
Weddings are tough, I've only been to one since DH died and there were definitely some tears.  You will have some difficult moments but hopefully you can be swept up in their happiness too.  However you are feeling, don't beat yourself up about it.  Tight hugs to you.
You will forever be my always.

donswife

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2016, 07:04:13 AM »
hi Ruth
Both my nephews got married the summer after my don died
it helped that it was family around but it still was hard
I will let you know I did feel moments of happiness for them and did have a bit of fun
I will warn you one of the hardest parts was it was the first big event without don by my side
which took me off guard
take care 
My everything

Mizpah

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2016, 08:36:26 AM »
I went to my first post-death wedding about 14 months after DH died.  It was really really hard.  I didn't allow myself to have any feelings until it was over.  I put on a crazy plastic smile and clapped and danced and loved love, but the second - The Second - I got in the car at the end of the night, I sobbed my heart out.  (My poor brother and his then-girlfriend, now-wife, driving and sitting in the front, while I scream-sobbed - reaching back to awkwardly pat my knee every few minutes....)  My only advice as someone 5+ years out, face your feelings.  Process them.  Allow them.  I know some disagree, but in my opinion, feelings denied eat you alive.  (My DH was 28 and was killed by a car accident that came up onto the sidewalk where he was standing, so I know the feeling of still being stunned and in disbelief - even still, though I was never "in denial," I feel that this incident was too improbable to even have occurred, though it did.  How could he be healthy and young one day and the next non-existent?)  My thoughts are with you. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

sandrine2279

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2016, 10:18:07 AM »
Hello,
A friend of mine is getting married in less than two months. and I'm two months out today.
She carrefully asked if I still want to come but adding that she undertands if I can't do it.
My bear was supposed to come with me. I can't even think of going to a marriage even in 10 years...
Hugs Ruth

Bunny

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2016, 10:45:04 AM »
I went to my first wedding six months after he died- they were close friends to the both of us. It was very small and in their home. Their young son was my date- the other six in attendance were all couples, which felt extremely awkward to me. Yes, there were tears, but I really wanted to be there for them. Whenever I got too overwhelmed I stepped outside for some fresh air and to compose myself. I felt bad that I brought in any sadness to such a happy day, but the bride and groom were pleased I came and everyone was very gentle with me.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

DavidsKtBeth

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2016, 10:21:39 PM »
I totally get it!! I have been to like 6 weddings since David died last June.  It's one of the hardest parts of being a young widow (I'm 27 now).  All my friends are having weddings or anniversaries and we didn't get to even have 1 anniversary.  And don't get me started on all the babies.  I honestly found the ceremony is what makes me the most anxious.. "until death do us part" gets me everytime.. I know it's coming every time and it still stings.  But I have also found frinds are very aware that it's a hard time for me and are very supportive.  I know it's hard but the receptions are always fun!!
?Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.?

"You could meet somebody tomorrow who would have better intentions for you than someone you?ve known forever. Time means nothing, character does."

Ruth

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2016, 02:23:30 AM »
Canadiangirl, Trying, donswife, Mizpah, sandrine2279, Bunny, DavidsKtBeth, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me!

At first I could only think 'this was a mistake, I should just leave', but in the end the wedding was really beautiful (I only went to the church service) and I'm glad I could be there with them for that part of the day. I did feel incredibly lonely, especially because there weren't any people I really knew. I sat with people I knew a little, but it was kinda obvious they weren't thrilled about that. DavidsKtBeth, yes the 'until death do us part' really did sting. They were so happy together and so full of dreams and imagining a life-time together and I found myself just wishing for them that it would indeed last a very long time. I remembered our dreams and how they were shattered. I'm creating new dreams now, but it's not the same, it's just not...

I'm sorry, I'm rambling on here. Just thank you so much for your replies!
As your wife I was proud and honoured, as your widow I will be too.
You died the way you lived - trying to do what was right.

Trying

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2016, 06:00:11 AM »
Ruth I'm glad to hear you went and that you found some positives in the day.  There are so many difficult things to face in this widowed life and whenever we can feel happiness for someone else it's a sign that our hearts are still beating.
You will forever be my always.

Jen

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2016, 12:38:19 PM »
Hugs, hugs, hugs. I know that was hard. I went to my sister's wedding last fall, and was present for the birth of her baby recently, and while they were, of course, joyful events, they were still painful for me. Someone told me early on that even the good things will always be bittersweet now, and I guess she was right. :-\
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Captains wife

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Re: Friends are getting married and I'm struggling
« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2016, 09:08:42 PM »
Sorry - I know that is so tough as it is triggering to what we lost. My sister asked me to be the maid of honor at her wedding last year and while I was very happy for her, I had to plaster a smile on my face and I found the evening really tough (lots of thirty something couples with kids). When the minister said the "until death do you part" I started to get tears in my eyes and it took everything not to start crying at that one line.