Author Topic: Okay... but...  (Read 1469 times)

Jen

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Okay... but...
« on: July 10, 2016, 08:40:36 AM »
Today makes 27 months. A blip, in the grand scheme of things, so why does it feel like a million years? An eternity ago I was safe, I was loved, I was secure in my world. Even uncertainty was fine, because I knew I never had to face anything without my Jim beside me. Then he left and I broke and nothing has been right since.

It's getting better, I guess. I'm functional. I have more good days than bad. Last month I didn't realize it was the 10th until the day was half over, and I called that a win. This month I've been watching the calendar, watching the clock, and dreading today... I don't even know why. 27 months doesn't mean anything in particular.

I'm okay. I have support and people who love me and encourage me. I have a trip to look forward to next week... admittedly, that's the end of my line to date; I don't really have anything after that, but I'll find something, surely. There's got to be something around the corner... right?

Today I'm fragile. One good bump and I'll shatter, and I have no real idea why. It's just 27 months.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2016, 09:49:05 AM by Jen »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Ruth

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2016, 09:39:04 AM »
Hey Jen,

You're not alone in this. For me it's almost 15 months and indeed it feels like an eternity. I think that is because life is so very different now, it feels like another world, another life. Life together seems a lifetime ago. I also think that 27 months does mean something.

We start out by counting the moments, the days, then the weeks, the months, the three-months, the halfyears and finally the year. It takes time to get there, personally I'm far from there. I'm still counting the months, occasionally slipping back into the weeks and even the days. But no matter what I count, the passage of time reminds me that he is gone and that that will not change.

The time between our life together and the present is only getting bigger and bigger until one day even my memories will feel distant. I dread that day. I dread the day where it will feel, on some level, like he never existed, like it was all a dream. I'm already forgetting how he smelled or how his skin felt. I'm forgetting things I never thought I would forget. I'm trying to make a memory book now, for that very reason.

All this to say - you're not alone and we will find our way through this.

Gentle care,
Ruth
As your wife I was proud and honoured, as your widow I will be too.
You died the way you lived - trying to do what was right.

Jen

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2016, 09:48:50 AM »
((((HUGS)))) You're right, of course. We keep going. My life before already feels like a dream, a beautiful story I told myself, but if I'm very still, if I concentrate, I can still remember the feel of him, the way the hair curled into ringlets at the back of his neck, the smell that meant comfort and safety.

Oh... that hurts. But at least I can still remember.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

JeanGenie

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2016, 11:45:24 AM »
Today I'm fragile. One good bump and I'll shatter, and I have no real idea why. It's just 27 months.

Hugs to you both. No great words of advise other than to acknowledge that you're not alone. These particular days, when we're suddenly feeling so fragile, just seem to happen, without warning, without any real reason why. Maybe it's because we prepare ourselves for the significant milestones, but then these random days, something triggers the memories and the pain. All you can do is ride the wave and know that this too will pass.
I miss how happy I was with you.

SoVerySad

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2016, 09:44:59 PM »
Tight hugs and love to you, sweet friend. At my last therapy session, my counselor asked me to list 10 adjectives to describe myself. The first one I said was fragile. I then asked her if it made sense to also list strong. She told me it made perfect sense.

Also, check your Facebook messages for a potential addition to you timeline. ;)
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Taurus

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2016, 01:35:47 AM »
My beloved was taken from us on the 20th of March, the date I have to file (and pay) the previous month's Income Tax deductions from our employees' payroll to our Inland Revenue Department (your IRS). So I can't get away from my beloved's passing date, month after month. It's not too bad really, it's just one of her previous responsibilities I'm happy to pick up and run with it for a while...

GrahamsGirl

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2016, 05:17:43 PM »
Strangely enough, I too have been feeling fragile for the last few days.  And, I too just passed the 27 month mark three days ago.  Like you, I suppose I'm doing better.  Most months I don't even consciously take note on the 25th that another full month has passed.  I haven't even felt the need to do more than occasionally lurk these message boards for quite some time.  In fact, several months had passed since my last serious sob session.  But both those clocks have now been reset  ;)

I have come to realize that I will never get over my husband's death but I am learning to live with the horrible fact.  I still don't like it but the truth is that I have been forever changed by his death and I will never be as I was before.  Not sure if this is good or bad, it's just my reality.

So maybe there is something about the 27 month mark, who knows?  But it is always reassuring to me to know that I am not alone on this terrible journey.  Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

     
To the world you may be just one person but to one person you may be the world.

canadiangirl

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2016, 09:06:57 AM »
I dread the day where it will feel, on some level, like he never existed, like it was all a dream.

I was just thinking of this this a.m., thanks for sharing.

I still don't like it but the truth is that I have been forever changed by his death and I will never be as I was before.  Not sure if this is good or bad, it's just my reality.
 

And this, thank you GrahamsGirl.

Hugs Jen.  I hope your trip is wonderful and makes you feel alive and joyful. 

Amor

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Re: Okay... but...
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2016, 11:02:15 AM »
Cherishing the memories, the best feeling the best part of my love.  The touch, sweet words, smells.  I am so glad I have those memories.  I wish I will never forget those memories.
Amor