Author Topic: Surviving the suicide of a spouse  (Read 7982 times)

keeptrying

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2015, 08:52:29 AM »
I can't bring myself to tell anyone when they ask. I don't even allow myself to think about it, or try to understand it. I can't. - It is SO confusing for me. I heard people put their spouses on a pedestal after they die, paint a picture of them. - The issue I have is that we HAD that life. Everything I could have dreamed of and more. I would tell him that a few times a week. He was happy, smiling loved and lived for us. Never mean, never said anything hurtful. We just built a house, I was pregnant, got back from vacation. We had it all. There were NO signs. How can you live with someone, he worked from home, so spend every minute with them, and not know they are hurting? He never touched a drug or drank or cheated. The people who did know him said out of ALL the people in the world, they would NEVER have guessed HE would have done something like this. My dad, uncles, everyone who met him said, wow, there are no guys out there like that, you got lucky. I did. - I don't know if it was better to have the love of my life that I won't ever get again, or wish I never had it at all, so I don't know what I will miss for the rest of my life. - I hate this. I hate my new life. I will never truly understand.I have TERRIBLE guilt. It eats me up. I can't even put into words. I am embarrassed to ever tell anyone the "suicide" word. I can't even admit it to myself

AndysWife

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2015, 10:50:34 AM »
Keeptrying, I felt much like you also when he first died. I think it's the shock of it all. 4 years later and I can now see him for who he really was rather than who I thought he was.
I received similar comments from our friends and my family but my inlaws were not surprised. They neglected to mention his history (as did he) to me before or during our marriage but told me about him before the funeral. Great huh? That's helpful (sarcasm).

I don't tell people how he died. I don't like to think about it either but I keep it to myself these days as it's nobody's business unless they knew him. The rest are just nosey I find and I wont indulge them. It's hard to speak highly of someone when it ends with suicide - rightly or wrongly. People judge and I have a short fuse so it's best to skip the whole thing.

We had a 5wk old son when he died and one thing that stands out to me is a comment that he made the day before he died.
"I've ticked all the boxes now" which causes me to think that he was dis-satisfied, hoping for to feel something different or something.. I dunno, we never will.
A.B.D.  26/01/1969 - 08/08/2011

Forgottenwife

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2016, 01:48:34 PM »
Still, after nearly five years since my husband's suicide, I come here once in a while to read this amazing post by Trish K.

I survived all the fear and guilt and horror, complete with coping from trauma and walking that awful road of the suicide survivor. Although I am so sorry that any of us have reason to be here, I am grateful we can share and support one another.

Forgottenwife

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2016, 06:18:30 PM »
I remember that morning, before leaving for work, that I should take the gun out of the house and I felt horribly guilty for a long time after because I didn't. But honestly, it wouldn't have mattered.

My point in all this being, it wouldn't have mattered what I did - he would have found a way to end his life, and there wasn't anything I could have done differently.

This. I am an avid gun collector from a family of hunters and military members.

I removed all of the guns from our home.
I notified our family physician and doctors where my husband was receiving care.
I told my husbands family and friends and requested help. Some of them tried. Some of them simply didn't know what to do.
I watched him for days.
I called the police.

He's still dead.

kae

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #19 on: September 04, 2017, 09:49:55 PM »
Wow.  Trish K., I don't know if you're still on these boards, but your words have resonated with me.  My husband took his life just over 4 months ago.  I'm reeling...actually broke down in Costco today...ug.  Thank you so much for your calm, rational, and measured post.  I will be back to read it often. 

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #20 on: September 04, 2017, 10:58:18 PM »
kae please come back often and read and post as much as you like. I have found so many people here on this site that their words resonate with me so much as well.  I know how you feel about crying in Costco.  Been there done that. 
Hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Working on me

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2018, 09:40:50 PM »
Hi, I know it has been a while since you posted this but I only read this message yesterday. I have never joined a forum or talked to anyone apart from counsellors and a couple of friends about my experience. I find a lot of people who grieve the death of their spouse experience is so different from my own. The spouse and the relationship seem so perfect and the loss so profound. I feel loss and pain even now after nearly 5 years but my grief is not simple like that. I also felt relief and freedom from financial and emotional stress. My husband was daignosed with depression in 2007 although they subsequently thought he may be bi polar. He tried therapy, medication and we did have good periods. He also self medicated with Marijuana and eventually a lot of alcohol. He was a funny, kind and generally easy going and charming man. People loved him but he was a terribly conflicted man. Things were very bad financially and emotionally for us when he killed himself. He got very drunk which sadly often happened and we argued. I was at the end of my rope. We had two young boys one aged 5 and one only 18 months old. He struggled to work even part time, spent the days lying around the house while I worked 6 days a week and nights too trying to make ends meet. He struggled to help me with the boys too so I had them in daycare and worked evenings when they were asleep. I had begun to fall apart in that last year. Bills were mounting up and I felt angry at him. I have a good career and earn reasonable money but we had nothing. We were always struggling. Hindsight is wonderful. Money didnt matter after he died. I looked back at many things and judged myself harshly for being so material but i just desperatly wanted the pressure off my shoulders and a normal partner that shared the burdens of daily life with me. He was angry when he left our house. He threatened he was going to do it. I begged him not to go and tried to take the car keys off him. He locked me out of the garage and took our only car and drove it at very high speed in to a tree. I have had so many what ifs and many other feelings of guilt and regret but I have also had a lot of anger at him. I know he was ill but he was often reckless and didnt think before he made split second decisions. Quiting job after job and never taking responsibility for our financial situation. I loved him and we were together 13 years but in the last 5 years I lost myself. The truth is I felt like he meant to hurt me and I know he was troubled but he left me with nothing, no car, a financial mess and a funeral to pay for. I also found out from friends after he died that he hadnt been loyal to me. Trying to sleep with my friends on a number of occassions. It has been nearly 5 years now and his boys have grown. I always try and be positive with them about their dad saying he loved them and talking of his illness like any other just in his mind. But in my heart i am still conflicted and have felt such guilt for that too. I cant just simply mourn his passing. I find it hard to stomach when his friends and family talk about him with rosy coloured glasses. Everyone has even his worst critics since he died. To the point where his parents will barely admit he killed himself. His brother and sister still dont know. And they dont want to know. Ive been told they just want to think of him how he was to them and dont want to know about his troubles or how he died. I dont believe in hiding it but I also have to respect their own grief. I supported him in all those years when these friends and family barely saw him or talked to him and now i feel like the one who is being critical for telling the truth. I have worked a lot on this with counsellors and this year I am flying back to the UK where his family live with my boys. I know I will have to deal with it all. I am glad to be going to see my family who are all very open and have been since his death and I felt i was ready to see his family. As it gets closer though i feel torn and conflicted more then ever. I think I will just focus on the boys and my new life but I feel it is not fair to ignore and pretend this huge part of my life and my story never happened especially with those people who have shared my pain more than anyone - his parents and siblings. Thanks for listening

TheWidowWhisperer

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Re: Surviving the suicide of a spouse
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2018, 07:13:24 AM »
@keeptrying Thank you for sharing. I'm not sure if your experience is a rarity or if people simply don't tend to share it. Not everyone who ends their life is depressed. Some people make a rational decision to do so, and often make the decision in secret. One of the hurdles one must jump to engage a doctor in assisted suicide is PROOF that one is not depressed.

We can never really know someone and that is scary as all get out. We share our lives, our home, the air, with someone and yet can never really know who they are.

I wish you peace and send you comfort.
Hoping my experiences can help
https://thewidowwhisperer.com