Author Topic: My heart passed away..  (Read 2991 times)

Laurat679

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Re: My heart passed away..
« Reply #15 on: June 12, 2016, 10:25:02 AM »
I feel the same way as you...it has been 4 days since the funeral and I just feel like I'm stuck in this nightmare being tortured.  I want to hate him for leaving when he wasn't suppose to till at least 70.  I also have to move asap!  We recently relocated and rented a place till we decided where we wanted to be so,luckily we hadn't bought a place yet but he was the money maker. I stopped working a couple years ago when we started moving for his job.  It just freaking sucks!  Like you can't deal with losing him first before figuring out where to live. 

Pauleena89

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Re: My heart passed away..
« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2016, 12:19:13 PM »
I feel the same way as you...it has been 4 days since the funeral and I just feel like I'm stuck in this nightmare being tortured.  I want to hate him for leaving when he wasn't suppose to till at least 70.  I also have to move asap!  We recently relocated and rented a place till we decided where we wanted to be so,luckily we hadn't bought a place yet but he was the money maker. I stopped working a couple years ago when we started moving for his job.  It just freaking sucks!  Like you can't deal with losing him first before figuring out where to live.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know saying that means absolutely nothing. I've heard it so many time that I want to stab people, and I am not a mean person. Plus I also have the feeling I come off completely rude to people. I hope that you some how figure things out, since it looks like we are in the same boat. I have not been angry at him yet though, I keep seeing him laughing and acting goofy in my head over and over and I just can't get mad at all that sweetness . I do know the anger will come, I've had a lot of drama with his family and that's where my anger has focused. If you ever need to talk I'm here, I know I can't help but I can guarantee I will understand. This moving thing is so horrible, I do not want to move, I do not want to pack his stuff or even move it anywhere other than where he left it or liked it. It's just so much financially for one person that I don't know if I can do this. But I feel like he's in my head saying baby you got this. And I don't want to let him down. I don't wanna let us down. I never in a million years thought this would happen, we always planned forever plus infinity and beyond, kids this business we started we were a team. Again, if you just need to talk I'm here and I check this thing religiously.. Gets my mind a little off the extreme sadness. Just keep thinking that he's watching over you, I thanked Karl today for helping me fix the vacuum. Looked up at the sky and smiled.

Pauleena89

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Re: My heart passed away..
« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2016, 10:57:16 AM »
It's been a few days since I've written anything. I don't know what I feel anymore. Empty? The world empty comes to mind. I've found a job, actually two jobs so I will be doing both.. And running our business. Yes, that's crazy. I went to see a therapist again, she told me that in moments of crisis people tend to go back to their baseline. It makes sense, I was a workaholic prior to moving in with Karl, my career consumed my life and I was very good at what I did. That's my baseline, work, keep house, pay bills. I feel like this is auto pilot.. Then come the sudden moments where I burst out crying, especially when driving. I feel like I try so hard not to think that he's gone, that I my head I'm starting to believe if I do everything right and keep this house he will come back, somehow walk through the door and kiss me and hug me one more time. Oh how I miss that man, the pain, the pure emptiness is just unreal. I keep thinking of his smile, his hugs, the way he smelled, the clothes he wore... I can't even write anymore.. Baby, you're my life. I miss you. I love you. I need you.

sandrine2279

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Re: My heart passed away..
« Reply #18 on: June 16, 2016, 04:47:47 AM »
Hello Pauleena89,

I feel the same everyday .. that if I'm strong and wait for him doing everything OK (maybe even making the room for his dvd collection at home his was supposed to do)... he will come back.
and I like to believe it.
my best friends tells me if I don't accept the loss I won't come over it (by the way, easy to tell when you're not even really happy with your longtime  boyfriend and have no projects together)..... but the fact is I don't wanna get out of it most of time. I want  him.

hugs

jonesandjenn19781979

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Re: My heart passed away..
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2016, 10:52:06 AM »
I sit and cry on a daily basis. I ask why all day long. I go through the guilt and replay the nightmare. It's never-ending at this point. I too agree that I don't care what becomes of my future. He was my future. I'm 36 and he was 37. I'm old enough to know that I've been married and had kids and then divorced and Clint was my new life. We had our lives mapped out together. I could care less about finding anyone else and it's the furthest thing from my mind. It makes me sick to think of anyone else standing beside me other than Clint. I'm "young" but "old." I'm set in my ways and there is no moving on from Clint. It hasn't even been 2 1/2 months and the days seem so long and seem to go so slowly now. It is heart wrenching and I know how you feel. His family has been so gracious to me and my girls. They accepted us with open arms. They have been the only people I can be around and feel "ok" but not "ok." None of us are okay but when we are around each other our grief is the same and we don't have to hide it whereas in the world around us, normal people don't understand. They cannot comprehend loss so they expect us to be the same when we can never be the same. We can't go back to who we were. I wish, a million times over, that I could go back and fix things and continue my blissful ignorance. I will live this for the rest of my days. I wish I had more people around where I live to understand me and my grief. It's so lonely when you only have your own mind and nobody to lean on.

Pauleena89

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Re: My heart passed away..
« Reply #20 on: August 09, 2016, 07:29:49 PM »
It's been almost two months since I've posted here. You can say I locked myself inside myself and have decided to push away all emotion and replace it with work.

That only worked for a few weeks. What I have learned about myself is that I put up an amazing front. My whole family and everyone around me simply doesn't give a sh*t anymore and ignores the subject. You can say that I've passed onto anger. I am angry with everyone, I am a dry with my family and friends for making me feel like I should have gotten over it by now. Nowadays all my mom talks about is my dad and his sadness over arguing with his sister, my dad? He hasn't called me once to ask me how I feel. And my in laws, well I haven't heard from them in over two months. But then again, my sweet husband and I didn't keep in contact with the over the last three years.

So here I am, all alone with two dogs. My babies, OUR babies. It's harder to get out of bed and extremely hard to listen to other people's stupid problems. And yes I call them stupid because everything but death is fixable so being short on rent or arguing with your sister is a stupid problem. I have never felt this alone, and it's like I've actually asked my mom for help, I've reached out to my family and I got nothing back. I am not even exaggerating, my cousin who is like my brother stopped by twice and his gf and him spent the whole time on their phones, my best friend well she talks about is booking up with guys and how he'd dating is, my mom she's too stuck on my dad and his butt hurtness and my dad well he's too busy being himself and feeling bad for himself. I know I might get some backlash for this, but I am just so angry. Everyone acts like we're all supposed to be passed it like I'm really ok. Like how can I reach out to my family and tell them that I can't handle it and not get any kind of response. Nothing. Is everyone really that self absorbed? Am I crazy? All I hear everyone say is how strong I am, how well I am dealing with this, how my family members couldn't be this put together.

ALL I WANNA DO IS STAND ON TOP OF A ROOFTOP AND YELL THAT I AM NOT WELL PUT TOGETHER. I AM NOT STRONG, I AM SURVIVING THAT IS ALL I AM DOING. I AM NOT OK.

With each day I miss him more, with each day I realize he's not home waiting for me, he's not telling me I'm beautiful, he's not going to call me and make me laugh, he hasn't sent me any stupid selfies or videos of him laughing, he hasn't come home to me and told me about his day, our puppies haven't seen their daddy, I would give the world for an explation why this is happening and one kiss, one last kiss. I would give up my life for him to have his. I don't know what else to say. I'm just sad, angry and alone in a room full of people who are ignoring me. That's all.

I miss you Kochanie ❤️ You are my life ❤️ I love you ❤️