Author Topic: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt  (Read 1081 times)

greeneyedshannon82

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taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« on: August 10, 2016, 12:46:46 PM »
It's been 27 days since my sweet Josh died. I have a lot of friends but I have found myself talking to an old flame every single day for the last week. It's too soon to be dating and thay is not my intention. But I won't lie. I am extremely attracted to this person, and the fact that he is someone I can talk to and be honest with about the grief I am going through is adding to his attractiveness.  I know it's wrong and it can't go anywhere and I feel guilty that he is the one I want to lean on. I'm still angry. I'm angry with my husband's family for the greed they've shown since he died. He had nothing and they still want to take it from me. I'm angry at my husband for leaving me. Talking to my old friend makes that worse too. I'm so angry that Josh left me. Not his choice I know.... but I find myself justifying my friendship with old flame guy, by feeding on that anger at Josh. And then I feel guilty for all of it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for the thoughts I'm having about EVERY ONE right now. I'm selfish for wanting this person. I'm selfish for being angry. Part of me just doesn't care. Or at least I don't want to care. This sucks

SemperFidelis

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Re: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2016, 01:19:46 PM »
It's a crazy time in the beginning. Really crazy. Dont be too hard on yourself for now.  When our primary comforter is gone, we can be left in odd positions. Its normal.

Just be careful with your heart, guard and protect it fiercely. I don't know this guy, but I have known a lot of guys....and many wouldn't be above dishonorable conduct when a woman is vulnerable. Use your best judgement.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2016, 01:29:06 PM by SemperFidelis »

Mizpah

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Re: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2016, 01:26:45 PM »
^^^ yes

I don't think the down side is that it's wrong.  I think it's that it is seen as wrong by people from the outside.  I don't think it IS wrong.  You wouldn't be betraying your husband.  You love him and would be with him if he were here.  It's not cheating.  And in a life so full of pain right now, the idea of a bit of comfort is so amazing. 

It's not that it's wrong - it's that it could be dangerous, for two reasons.  The first and main one being what SF said: you are very emotional and very vulnerable, and this could lead to even more pain (though I'm sure you can't imagine anything more painful than what you're going through right now).  The other is public opinion.  It doesn't matter and shouldn't but it can cause problems. 

widowed 2011 (DH 28)

greeneyedshannon82

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Re: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2016, 02:09:47 PM »
I agree with both of you and see your point. As good as it feels to have someone to talk to who seems to care... this won't end well. I think maybe I will stop talking to him so much. Thanks for good advice

Mizpah

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Re: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2016, 02:35:02 PM »
Just want to clarify: I wasn't saying don't do anything.  I think that choice can only be made by you.  Just telling you to make sure you take care of yourself.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Kater

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Re: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2016, 01:24:01 AM »
I had something a little bit similar happen.  I had a very good male friend.  I will call him Mark.  Everyone assumed Mark and I were dating 22 years ago.  We were not, but would often stay over at each other's house (we would sleep - literally sleep - together), etc.  I can't say I wasn't attracted to him, but a relationship was not in the cards for us.  So Life happens.  I find my husband, he gets married, friendship cools.  About 14 years ago, out of the blue, his wife demands he no longer speak to me.  We both agree it is what he needs to do.  My hubby wasn't crazy about our friendship anyway.  We completely lose touch.

He reached out to me about a month after S died.  The news had made its way to him.  We email and I find out he left his wife early December (S died end of December).  It is an ugly separation and he is dealing with a lot from that.  My immediate thought is "why is the universe giving him to me in these circumstances? Are we meant to be together?" I though a lot about him.  Imagined him walking through my front door and us barely making it to the bedroom (the spare one, of course, not "our" bedroom), leaving articles of clothing behind in the hallway.  I went to see him about a month and a half after S died.  I don't know what would have happened had he been willing, but he wasn't.  But he was soooo great.  He listened, he sat with me when I cried, offering no advice or pat answers.  Just sat with me.  And hugged me, and was so supportive.  We also took a trip together in June.  We had an awesome time, but it was very clear that we are in the friend zone. 

Anyway... The point of all this...technically, he isn't my "ex" but he sort of is.  I think when we lose our dearest love, our emotions are so raw.  Sex and intimacy are a way to release all the stress and adrenaline.  I craved intimacy so much - way more than when S was alive (the term I have learned here is skin hunger).  And so here is this guy that is attractive, that I trust wholeheartedly, that I love in some way that is just being so damn awesome in supporting me.  Why wouldn't we think of that?  I am glad we have established we are in the friend zone.  However, he holds a unique position in my life.  He is kind of my brother, my friend, the "man in my life", my love....a bit of all that.  And I know why the universe gave him to me.  He has been so helpful to me in this journey.  I have needed him.  Hopefully he would say the same about me, as he works through his divorce. It is a bit easier in that we live far apart, so we talk on the phone, but don't see much of each other.  I don't know how I would feel if I saw him more often. 

This whole grief thing is hard, impossible at times.  I think it is important not to judge our thoughts or feelings along the way.  They are what they are.  We can control how we act on those things, but I don't think it is beneficial to feel guilty about what you are feeling or to judge them as bad, or wrong.  Recognize it is part of this crazy journey where what is up is down and what's down is up. You seem to have a handle on what is a good idea or not for acting on it which is what matters.  If it truly is a relationship that is meant to be, it will be once you heal and feel ready for it. 

Hugs to you.

TooSoon

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Re: taking comfort from an old friend... and the guilt
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2016, 05:17:15 AM »
My husband had glioblastoma, terminal brain cancer that required surgery.  After his brain surgery, he was never the same again.  He wasn't only not the same but he was a different person every day. 

I ran into my best friend from high school shortly after the diagnosis and surgery.  I hadn't seen him in over 20 years and we hadn't kept in touch but we were thick as thieves as teenagers.  Like Kater's experience, we were just connected to one another from the day we met.  Looking back, it seems weird now that it just never occurred to either one of us to be anything more or other than just the very best of friends. 

After we ran into each other that night, we began a very strange and intense texting relationship that was a) not appropriate and b) not going anywhere.  I needed him then and he needed me.  It was hard to extricate ourselves from it, though, and it nearly ruined our friendship.  Several years down the line now though we've managed to put it behind us and we remain close.  It was in some ways never a question that we would somehow remain friends because that's what we've always been. 

I think people sometimes come into and out of our lives at different times and for different reasons.  In my situation, I did not protect my heart at a very confusing and vulnerable time and in the end, I was hurt.  We all need someone to lean on and trust but it is important to protect yourself, too.