Author Topic: There it is  (Read 11493 times)

mikeeh

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There it is
« on: August 12, 2016, 07:30:11 PM »
There it is.  There is that feeling I remember so well.   That empty hollow feeling of loneliness and isolation that was such a prevalent part of my earlier widowhood.

For 10 months I wasn't a widower anymore.  For 10 months I once again had someone that cared for me, that loved me.  I had someone to share my life with.  Someone who would wish me good morning, someone to say good night to.  Someone who cared how my day was. 

I wasn't a man who lost a love to breast cancer.  I was a man who found love with a wonderful, beautiful, loving caring woman. 

Gone now though.  Once again it is Friday night and I am sitting on my sofa alone thinking about how long and lonely the next 20-30 years of my lonely life is going to be.  Except this time I have experienced  a wonderful passionate love and with beautiful, sexy loving woman.  I think a nicer more passionate love than the one with my lost wife.  Mostly I think because I had lost

Maybe I will lucky and get a similar diagnosis as my wife did 8 years ago.  Then this pain will go away.   This heart ache will be over.  If I only get 10 months of happiness for years of pain then it hardly seems worth it.

SoVerySad

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Re: There it is
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2016, 08:21:58 PM »
I'm so sorry, Mikeeh, that you are hurting so much right now. I don't have any experience with a relationship since my husband died, so I can't offer any advice or perspective. But I can send you some hugs and my hope that you will find another relationship, if that is what you would like.
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Trying

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Re: There it is
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2016, 04:38:42 AM »
My heart goes out to you.  Take the time you need to grieve the loss of this relationship and for your heart to heal again.
You will forever be my always.

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2016, 07:44:00 AM »
Thanks,

This is our time.   I should be holding her in my arms right now.  We should be kissing like we haven't seen each other in a year.  Even though it has only been a week.

We should be just starting to share our wonderful day together with love and romance and fun.

Now is the time we would have been together, and I am sitting on the sofa fighting back tears.  Not very successfully.

This will be the first of "our" weekends that we will not be together.  A landmark, that once I go one of 'our' weekends then it is really over.   

I sent a letter she should get today.  I know it won't help, and will probably hurt.  But I have already lost her so how much more harm can it do? 

We will exchange an occasional text as "friends" but the coldness, and the formality of it may be worse than not hearing from her at all.

SoVerySad

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Re: There it is
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2016, 12:06:31 PM »
More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2016, 01:13:24 PM »
Thanks SVS,

Sorry to go on so much about this.   I know it must seem silly.  Nothing everyone else hasn't gone through many times.

Abitlost

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Re: There it is
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2016, 01:30:29 PM »
Thanks SVS,

Sorry to go on so much about this.   I know it must seem silly.  Nothing everyone else hasn't gone through many times.

Not silly at all, mikeeh. Heart ache is a pain like no other.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but the pain will lessen over time; even the thought of that I'm aware can cause pain.

Hugs,

abl

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2016, 03:51:27 PM »
Thanks ABL,  you are right just the thought that I will get over this loss is painful.   The idea that I will not have her back in my life hurts.   That it will be a time when I don't miss her, or that the thought of her doesn't make my chest ache and the tears flow.

It is amazing how much this is like when I lost my wife.   Right down to the fear that I will stop missing her.  That I will get use to her not being a vital and intimate part of my life.

It is amazing how quickly the universal widow fear of eternal loneliness returns to your mind and your every thought.

She thinks the pain of our break up will spur me to personal growth and teach me to learn to live life again.  She says that you need darkness to appreciate light, you need pain in order to truly appreciate happiness.   Doesn't she think I have had enough pain in my life with having to watch my wife die over an almost 5 year span.

Captains wife

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Re: There it is
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2016, 07:08:53 AM »
I'm very sorry - loss upon loss is really really tough and painful. I know you want to speak with her/be in touch but one piece of advice I would offer is if this wasn't the right relationship for you please try a no contact period. Having been through this heartache, it did wonders for me (self help books recommend about 90 days). Please also be very good to yourself - it isn't "silly", the pain can be very real. Wishing you all the best,
« Last Edit: August 15, 2016, 07:11:17 AM by Captains wife »

momtokam

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Re: There it is
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2016, 07:43:55 AM »
I sent a letter she should get today.  I know it won't help, and will probably hurt.  But I have already lost her so how much more harm can it do?

I'm very sorry Mike. I know how much it truly hurts to go through this after our initial loss. I agree with CW and the no contact advice. She may have been giving you a story about her feelings and reasons or it could have been the real truth.  It really doesn't matter in the end. You are hurting either way. You think that letter can't cause any more harm but you may be wrong. It can cause a lot more pain, on both sides, depending on what was said.

You have learned you can open your heart again, and that is a good thing. She had a purpose in entering your life, for whatever time that was. Take your time to heal, and you will. I know it's hard to see that but you will.





Mizpah

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Re: There it is
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2016, 09:19:28 AM »
I'm so sorry you're suffering.  Breakups are so hard.  I'm thinking of you. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Taurus

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Re: There it is
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2016, 05:54:18 PM »
You sound like how I felt when I and my first-ever girlfriend broke up in college (your High School). It felt like the end of the world but I learned from it and grew up a lot. My soulmate was taken from us 17 months ago, so I know about the emptiness, the sense of loss, sense of incompleteness..but we have two daughters who remind me daily of my soulmate (our young one is a split image of her mum).

I don't know the circumstances of your break-up, but it can't be as sad as the loss of your wife. I know nothing comes near it for me. You've experienced closeness to someone since your loss: don't let it drag you down. You met someone, go out and meet others. The last thing you need is to feel sorry for yourself and give up...Learn from it.

fairlanegirl

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Re: There it is
« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2016, 06:36:15 PM »
She thinks the pain of our break up will spur me to personal growth and teach me to learn to live life again.  She says that you need darkness to appreciate light, you need pain in order to truly appreciate happiness.   Doesn't she think I have had enough pain in my life with having to watch my wife die over an almost 5 year span.
I cannot really comment as have been in my first and hopefully last post-widowhood relationship now for about four years, and know I would crash badly in your situation. My heart really goes out to you. But this comment leapt out at me - did she really say this to someone in your situation?! Basically I suppose she was simply no longer into you - let's face it that's the usual reason - but as 'letting down gently' goes, the lady needs some lessons. What a load of pretentious, unempathetic tosh.

mikeeh

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Re: There it is
« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2016, 04:33:57 AM »
The "need darkness to appreciate the light" comment was told to her daughters when talking about why we are splitting up.   I think as much also for herself to deal with her own pain.

We have written.  Letters and email exchanged.   I went to her house last night and we had a 3 hour goodbye with lots of talking and hugging and kissing, and just holding each other.   

She has a strong spiritual side to her,   a woo side.  She is into all the spirits and auras and ghosts.   She says my wife brought us together so she could open my heart again.  She claims a sensitivity to emotions that can really bother her.   She finally told me last night that after every time we were together she had to do her little rituals to get the negativity out of her house and off of her.  That my negativity really affected her, but she loved me so much that it was something she put up with.

I'm not sure I buy it as she says it, as far as the woo side of it.  But I will acknowledge that there was something there. There was something that bothered her.  And I can't do anything about it so I have to admit it is over.  Even if it is not to hurt her anymore.

She let me see her one more time now that I understand why it is happening.   I don't like it any more than I did before but I understand.  We are going to do the 90 day thing.  I have un-followed her on FB.  If necessary I will un-friend but I can't really wrap my  head around that concept.  There is still a hope that we can be friends in the future. 

It still hurts and though I did fine last night with minimal tears I am making up for it this morning.  Especially when knowing last night was goodbye forever, with no chance of texts or emails or anything that will let us know we are thinking of each other.  Un following her this morning was like sticking a  knife in my own heart.

Trying

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Re: There it is
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2016, 06:56:50 AM »
As difficult as it is I think it's better that you know the door has been closed.  Stick to the no contact and take this time to heal.  I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and while I do think we learn from painful experiences there comes a point when you think you don't have the strength to learn one more thing. 
You will forever be my always.